17: You Broke Me First

❝ I know you, you're like this, when shit don't go your way you needed me to fix it, and like me I did, but I ran out of every reason ❞

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I had totally skipped my lunch in fear of coming across the others. I stayed cooped up in my own little corner, behind a stack of books. I tried to immerse myself in the research assigned to me which otherwise I would've found very interesting—but my mind just wasn't there.

"Ms Williams. You have been there for quite a while. Go out and eat lunch." The librarian who I knew very well urged me.

"It's okay Mrs Barrels, I'm not hungry." Sending a small smile her way, I tried to convince her.

"It isn't. Please go and eat lunch. I insist."

I had no other option but to get up and go have lunch. On the bright side, lunch break had finished five minutes ago and I was sure I wouldn't come across anyone in the empty cafeteria.

Grabbing my bag, I stood up, and made my way towards the cafeteria where not a single soul was to be found aside from the workers who were cleaning things up.

A worker handed me the leftover food and I ate it down, for I was very hungry. Satisfied, I decided to go around the school for a bit since I was given a day off from school due to the assignment. But I had completed more than half of it, and the leftover could be done with at home.

My feet dragged me to the backside of the school where I had first met Ray's friends which were now mine as well. Honestly, remembering it made me wonder how far we'd really come as friends.

People had now stopped teasing me and mocking me because I was friends with Ray. I wasn't complaining because it would take a huge toll on me everytime someone bullied me. My life had always consisted of me being the nerd who couldn't be cool to save her life.

I hadn't planned on becoming friends with them but now— I would never have better friends than them—friends who understood me, friends who accepted me the way I was. They embraced me as if I was their long lost friend and gladly accepted Katie who came along as a package with me.

Murmurs and whispers drew me from my thoughts as my gaze landed on two individuals— whom I knew—arguing about something, or so it seemed.

Inching closer, I took the refuge of a wall.

"You. Like. Her." Stated Olivia in a calm but firm tone.

"God NO! How many times do I have to tell you that I don't like her? Have you seen her? She's the definition of a bookworm. Her childish ways never fail to make me feel like I'm living in an immature world. She's so different and weird—as if she was crafted by the aliens themselves. Need anymore reasons as to why I don't like her?"

My body went numb at the words I heard. I could recognize Ray's voice even if I was blind. And it was a not a calculus equation because I clearly figured out that it was me—June Williams—they were talking about.

"Ray it's okay to like someone. I know you've had a hard past, but it's sheer injustice on her. She likes you. Why else do you think she ran away yesterday when she saw you flirting with Kiki? Did you really have to go that far and hurt her in a way which you can never ammend? You should've seen the look on her face, it was as if she was betrayed by the only person she ever trusted with her life!" Olivia screamed at him.

"So what? Is it necessary to like her if she likes me? Don't force things on me Ol, you know you can't control why I feel the way I feel." The coldness dripping off his voice sent shivers down my spine.

"I've known you for twelve years Ray— TWELVE YEARS! You know you can't lie to me, so why don't you just admit that you like h—"

"SHUT UP OLIVIA! Not one word about that nerd, I'm sick of you all climbing onto me about her. I don't do feelings, I don't do relationships. I fuck, okay? So back off," He seethed. I saw his chest huffing up and down even if he faced my back. "And what are you looking at? What's that expression on your face?"

I had enough and so I had come out of my refuge. Olivia had seen me and that is why her facial expressions changed. She nodded towards me and Ray turned back to look at me.

He flinched.

But that didn't bother me.

"June why are y—" He started.

"Shut up. JUST SHUT UP!" My emotional dam had broken down at this point. I had held my feelings in for a long time only to have my self-respect trampled upon.

"June I—"

"You don't have to explain anything, " I said, wiping my tears off. He took a step towards me but I stopped him. A look of hurt morphed over his face. He should be acting in the movies with such great acting skills such as his.

"I heard everything that I had to. It was stupid of me to think that we could have had more but of course, I'll always be that nerd. I should've known, I should've stayed away from you. I am an idiot for liking you." His eyes grew wide as he took in what I said. Olivia clamped a hand over her face.

But hey, what did it matter now?

What did my feelings equal to now?

Nothing.

"I may be the girl who sticks her nose in books, I may be the girl who chooses cheesy romantic movies over action ones, I may be the girl who chooses to be kind to everyone even if they don't deserve it but at the end of the day, I am a human. I have feelings and no one has given you the right to hurt them." He looked like he wanted to say something, but I wasn't finished yet.

"You don't like me, I get it! But you really had to go ahead and pinch that very sensitive spot of mine by calling me an immature, childish nerd. Thank you Ray, for showing me that not everyone deserves my kindness, my love, my care and my worry."

He stood there speechless as I wiped more and more tears off my face.

God, they wouldn't stop.

"Thank you Olivia for standing up for me. I'm glad to have you as a friend," I smiled at her as she blew me a kiss.

"This is a goodbye Ray Rutherford. You're free from my constant, immature, childish blabber and company." I had to be strong, I couldn't break down right now.

"I just thought I saw something in you, I thought I saw a good person behind all those layers. And I really liked that person regardless of his flaws, but I'm done now."

Turning around to never look back again, I could feel his piercing hot gaze on the back of my head but I wasn't weak. Not anymore. I had enough of people walking over me and treating me like shit.

Yet, the tears oozed down and wouldn't stop. The bell rung indicating the end of the fourth period and I straight away ran to Katie's class.

She was talking to her friend about something as I stood there, looking battered and worn down. People looked at me probably because I was a sight to see—a madman in the halls of high school—crying and just wanting the warm hug escapade of her best friend.

"Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow Sarah—oh my god June! What happened to you?" And in a moment she was beside me, shaking my shoulders and wiping my tears.

"I—I," I couldn't even speak now. Great.

"It's okay, come we'll ask for an early leave pass. I'll tell the nurse that you aren't well and that I have to drop you," She was spitting words like she was in a rap battle, as she multitasked between dragging me to the sickroom while her free hand was stuffing her books in her bag. "We'll go to my house, order double cheese pizza with shittones of Gatorade and then you can tell me what's wrong, okay?" She stopped and looked at me as I meekly nodded.

Satisfied with my consent, she threw open the sick room's door and tackled the nurse, who after a lot of coaxing, gave in and granted the both of us an early leave pass.

××

"Ray's an asshole. That's it, that's the fucking fact." Katie threw an empty bottle of Gatorade on the ground, as I aimlessly watched it roll over and come to a stop.

"I'm happy you stood up for yourself and told that asshole what he deserved to hear," Linking her fingers with mine she continued, "You've done nothing but been kind to him. You've helped him in ways no one could help him. I'm surprised he failed to acknowledge everything you've done for him, but then again, he's Ray. He doesn't deserve your feelings Joo-Joo." I laughed through my tears at the last part. It came out as a snort and we laughed some more at that.

"I thought I told you not to call me that!"

She shook her head and wagged her index finger sideways.

"Oh c'mon. My elementary school nickname game was strong. I remember how one day Sean caught me calling you that and the next day everyone was calling you Joo-Joo bear." We both guffawed at the old memory.

"I cried so much. I hated bears and the only thing I wanted at that time was to not be associated with bears!"

"It was kinda cute though! It suits you!" She stood up as she started picking up the trash we had made all over her room. Boxes of pizza laid strewn over the floor while her bed was a home to snickers wrappers. Bottles of Gatorade were lying here and there, and some were stuck in absurd places because we had been throwing them all around.

I helped her gather everything and she took the big bag from me.

"You stay here and turn on some music or something. I'll be back in a jiffy." I nodded. But she then paused at the door and turned back to look at me.

"Hey June?" At her voice, I turned up from my phone screen and looked at her.

"Yes?" I asked.

"Whatever Ray said—don't take it to your heart. You're the coolest kid I know around here and it's a surprise how you manage being social while still keeping up your first rank. I couldn't study to save my life. Your goal striven behavior and empathy are your pros, and it's very hard to find people who are like you. There's nothing wrong with someone wanting to be good at their studies and not be the one to get wasted and fucked up. Though it's fun to do it once in a while," She giggled at that, before continuing, "You do you, okay? Don't let them get to you!" She tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear and smiled at me.

My eyes welled up with fresh tears but I held them back, nodding and smiling at her. At her retreating footsteps, taking a heavy breath, I lay back down on the bed, wiping the tears away.

No matter what Katie said, the fact that the words had come out of Ray's mouth was never going to change.

I had believed in him, I gave him the power, I gave him the key to my emotions. Of course, I wasn't expecting him to return the same to me, but I trusted him enough to think that he would never hurt me the way he did today.

Was I really just some another girl for him? Just another one of those lowlife girls, who aimlessly studied and helped people because that's what they were good at? Just another one of those, who believed in love and commitment?

A knot formed in my throat as I let it all out, sobbing my heart away, for all there was left with me was me and my broken heart.

The words that flew out of Ray's mouth earlier today were tattooed in my brain.

And I had to learn to live with that every fucking day from now on.

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Damn, shit really got down :o And the fact that this whole chapter is based off my real life sucks, or it doesn't, but anyways, stay tuned for the next update :)