20: I'll Never Leave, I Promise

❝ You gave me a shoulder when I needed it, you gave me love when I wasn't feeling it, you helped me fight when I was giving in, and you made me laugh when I was losing it ❞

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The early dinner went by smoothly. The steak was delicious, alongwith dill potatoes and some salad on the side. Susan turned out to be very good at cooking and I almost moaned as I took in the very first bite. They both laughed and pampered me with more servings. I ate till I felt my stomach was about to explode.

"Oh my god, not anymore. I'm full," I waved my hands over my plate as to stop Susan from serving me anymore potatoes. As much as I'd have loved to eat more, I was filled to the brim on the inside.

"Oh c'mon June darling, you eat like a sparrow!" She pouted and then moved to serve Ray who threw her a glare. "And now you remember your son, it was as if there was only June eating." Ray almost seemed angry and I laughed at his jealousy. He sure was possesive.

"You know that's not true, though June might've already started to grow on me." Susan smiled widely at me and even Ray couldn't stop letting out a small smile.

It was very nice being in midst of both of them and I could see that Ray was loved by his mother. This little insight on his life made my heart swell even more with happiness. He seemed to love his mom beyond any limits and it made me tear up a little.

Sure, he'd made so many mistakes and he'd been very cruel to people around him, even me, but I didn't like the idea of holding grudges against him.

I could be deemed selfish and over-forgiving by some, but I had always thought that if a person regrets his mistake and it physically pains them to have hurt you, he's forgivable. More so when you know they're trying hard at being perfect for you. What was important was that he was trying to make it up to me, he carried that guilt in his eyes whenever he looked at me and even if I knew he ought to feel the pain I felt, I couldn't do it.

I'd rather give him another chance and let him be happy by forgiving himself. We make mistakes. But the one who learns from them is worth been given another chance.

And this was my second chance to Ray, to prove himself and to also let go. The weight he carried around himself that he wasn't capable of being affectionate, and that he'd hurt everyone around him must be lifted. I would try my best to help him with that.

Of course, he was no broken vase for me to fix up, but yes, he was a vase who'd voluntarily filled himself up with darkness. And I wanted to make a path for him to find his light—his light which he needed to find himself, but with me by his side.

"Mommy!" A little voice squealed and brought me back from the alternate world I was swimming in. "Im back!" Sam jumped into his mother's arms as she cradled and peppered him with kisses.

"What have I told you about not running too fast? You should listen to me more Sam!" The little boy pouted and hid his face in his mother's neck as she chuckled at his behavior.

Then his eyes fell upon Ray and they lightened up immediately. Escaping his mother's embrace, he jumped next onto Ray who almost fell back.

"Whoa there, strong man. What's with this happy bubble you're surrounded with?" Ray tickled the kid a little as he squirmed in his arms.

"But I'm not a man yet!" Sam seemed so happy at being called a man. "Jess told me that I will be a man when I turn 18!" We all laughed at that.

"Yes, Jess is right. So you enjoyed your day?" Sam was now straddling Ray, his back faced to me and playing with Ray's shirt.

"Mhmm," he replied, a little unfocused as his fingers played around the shirts buttons. "We made clay toys today. Jess gave me different colors, and me and Alice made a car." A fond smile was painted upon Ray's lips. My heart was beating frantically as I eyed the happy duo. I couldn't have witnessed a more beautiful sight.

"Ooh, that's nice. Who's Alice? The same girl you gave your keychain to?" Sam giggled at this question and stuffed his chubby face in Ray's shirt as his mom winked at me. Ah, those innocent, lively and beautiful childhood crushes. They are totally a different thing and give the most jittery butterflies.

"Yes!" Sam said a bit loudly. "She's my best friend, just like you and June!" I almost laughed at the mention of my name when Sam turned around and his eyes met mine.

"Juneeeeeeee!" He squealed and then launched himself upon me almost knocking over my plate. I steadied him and his mesmerizing blue eyes met mine. "I missed you," he pouted and plopped a quick sloppy kiss over my cheek. From my peripheral vision, I swear I saw Ray throwing his little brother a glare while Susan laughed her guts off.

"Now now young man, where are your manners with girls?" Ray chirped in and came over to pick Sam up. Instead he clung to me tightly. "I wanna talk to her!" His adorable pout was back and I saw Ray melting in a second. He sighed and muttered a quick sorry to me that I waved off.

"I missed you too monkey pie." He smiled and then started tracing the design over my tee. "I thought you left, just like daddy." Everybody visibly tensed up at his sentence and I saw Ray clenching his fist. Susan rubbed her brows in frustration.

"I will never leave, I promise!" He perked up at that and drew out his pinkie finger expectantly. I gladly wound my own with his and he hugged me sloppily before crawling down from my lap and running off upstairs.

Turning to face them both, I smiled and Susan started to clean the table. She motioned me to take Ray outside. Hesitantly, I grabbed his hand which was set on the table and he looked up. He sighed and intertwined his fingers with mine and we walked outside again to the garden.

The night was a bit chilly and and I rubbed my hands warm when a strong arm wrapped around my waist and crushed me against its torso. We stood there for a while, in silence, as the light of the stars illuminated the garden beautifully. I listened to the steady heartbeat of Ray and closed my eyes at the satisfaction that seeped through my insides.

How had I never did this before? How had I never felt this before? And now that I had, I don't think I could ever go back.

"Sam still thinks our dad left him." Ray filled up the silence. "We couldn't tell him because his condition was too fragile at the time. He used to get really angry and tired, he used to fret and thrash his legs because he wanted to listen to bedtime stories recited by dad. I doubt whether he understood a thing, but we knew he missed him."

I only drew circles on his back, letting him speak because he needed to get this out.

"Over the years, he started resenting dad because he left us so abruptly. Sometimes, it angers him, sometimes it saddens him. We still don't know how to break it to him that he's dead."

I didn't utter a word and let him compose his feelings. He'd been restricted too long. My heart clenched at the thought of Sam. These three didn't deserve what life had thrown at them.

I pulled back from his arms and looked up at him to already see him looking down at me. The moonlight lightened the right side of his face, and I couldn't resist but trace the lines along his face.

I straightened his forehead creases and then went down to caress his closed eyelids. He seemed at peace, a small smile decorated at the sides. Then my finger went down his nose, and then stopping at the corners of his lips. Tracing the outlines, my thumb swiped the wet, plump beauty. I was transfixed. How could someone be so beautiful?

Then my finger drew his jaw, which was already as sharp as it could be, with a little bit of stubble, which could be felt but not seen. He must've shaved two days ago or so. My mind imagined Ray in a trimmed beard and I couldn't help but agree to myself that he would look good in anything and everything.

"Sometimes, the thing about pain is that it demands to be felt. Your inner self wants to fight against it and convince you that the person gone loved you, cared for you but then the question pops in: why did he leave you in the first place? Why couldn't he have stayed or gave you a reason for leaving? Or atleast waved you a quick goodbye? Given you a last glimpse of themselves?

"You spent your childhood with your dad, you had many memories with him. But Sam? He didn't even get to say Hi dad! Love you dad! Can you play ball with me, dad? to him. Imagine his agony at seeing other kids walking hand in hand with both their parents. After all, he's a little child who just misses his dad." The words flew out of my mouth before I could take them back, but I felt relieved seeing Ray nodding at them.

"I know it's hard for him, especially with his heart disease going on." He sighed, and blew out a huff.

"What exactly is he going through? I mean, what disease does he suffer from?" I enquired, curious because Ray had never went into details about this.

"Cardiomyopathy." He sighed, swallowing a large gulp of spit. "This condition causes the heart muscles to harden or to—"

"Grow weak, I know." I filled in, as he looked at me intently. "My dad's a doctor, remember? And before joining the military camp, he was a renowned cardiologist." I smiled at the faint memory of me feeling proud as my dad walked out of the room wearing his doctor's coat.

"That's wonderful." He smiled, as he eyed me. "You miss him, right?" A sad smile coated my lips at that.

"Of course," I sat down on the grass, releasing a deep breath. "I do miss him. When I was little, I would always mess with him while he was researching. He never complained; he simply used to pick me up and make me comfortable in his arms while he filled me in with different heart diseases, parts of our body and how I should always eat healthy." He said nothing, just simply twined his fingers with mine.

"Now we see him once—or if we're lucky, twice a year." I turned to look at him. "That's the thing Ray. You have so many beautiful memories with your dad and so does Sam—only Sam doesn't remember them. It's your responsibility to make Sam not resent him."

"But I don't know what must I do for him to not resent him." He sighed, his head falling down.

I smiled at that. "It's easy, actually." I turned and closed my eyes at the soothing sound of the flowing river.

"How?" His voice held curiosity, and desperation.

"He doesn't have any memory with your dad. But you have." Ray seemed puzzled at my words. "Tell him your best memories with your dad. How you played with him, how he was with you and your mom. Tell him that if your dad was here, he would love you both so much. He would read Sam bedtime stories everyday." I explained further.

"But how is it going to help?" He asked.

"Pain can be only erased by love. By hope. By acceptance. The more you tell him how wonderful and lovely your dad was, the more he will find it hard to resent him because after all, you and Susan are a part of your dad. If you tell Sam you love your dad so much, he would start questioning that why do you still love hi—" I was interrupted by soft pattering of foot.

My feet were suddenly engulfed by little hands, and looking down, blue eyes which begged me to pick it up. He eagerly jumped into my arms as I opened them wide enough, and started staring at the beautiful stars with eyes wide open.

I didn't think I could fall in love with someone too fast, but Sam proved me wrong. The feeling was enormous and all I wanted was to protect him and shower this little bundle of joy with love.

"I thought you left again." He pouted at me. Ray tensed up again but I motioned at him to let me speak. An idea had just sprouted up in my mind.

"Do you know your dad never left?" I asked the little boy who now looked at me with a glint of hope shimmering in his eyes.

"He's back?" He asked.

"Hmm, no, but he's looking at you right now!" Sam gasped and started looking around.

"He's up there," I pointed at the sky and his eyes appeared a murky grey due to the moonlight.

"Up there? How did he go there? Will I never see him?" His questions were unstoppable. I chuckled and mulled over them for a while making him squirm and pout.

"Yes, he's up there, because God called him back!" Sam seemed puzzled at that. Of course.

"God needed an angel so he called your dad up there to help him!" I told him with a surprised and happy tone laced to my voice.

"Angel? My dad was an angel?" He seemed really happy at the new discovery. I winked at Ray who was quietly watching the situation unfold.

"Yes! He had white wings and a beautiful smile!" The pictures did no justice to Ray's father's smile. It was beautiful, as I recalled.

"Really?" Sam asked delightfully.

"Yes. And your dad was so powerful and kind that God had to call him up there. But he watches you from the sky, he sees you play with Alice, he sees you joke around with your brother. He sees everything and most importantly, he loves you so much!"

"Wow! Hi dad!" He screamed at the sky and started giggling.

"So whenever you miss him, or whenever you want to listen to him reading you bedtime stories, look at the sky. He'll always be there and gift you these beautiful stars!"

"Yes, they very pretty!" I almost laughed at his broken baby English. Still, he spoke very great compared to the other kids his age. "Okay, I want to tell mom! Bye June!" And he plopped another kiss on my cheek before crambling down and running off.

With a wide smiled laced on my face, I turned around to see Ray staring at me with a blank expression on his face. Oh shit, maybe I should have asked him before doing anything.

"Ray, I'm sorry if I spoke something wrong, I know it's not my place to say but I really didn't mean it, I just wanted Sam to let go and have something to—"

His lips crashed on mine, fervent and passionate. I tasted hunger, pain, care mixed with something salty. I pulled back to see him crying silently, not even bothering to wipe those tears off. With his forehead against mine, I kissed his eyelids and gently rubbed the pad of my thumb against the corners.

"Why are you crying?" I softly enquired, as he shook his head.

His lips met mine again, but this time gentle and soft, taking their time with mine. I was a mess, a soft mess, as my stomach convulsed and constricted, the butterlies fluttering for freedom, finally out of their cage.

He pulled back and kept looking at me.

"You don't even know how blessed, glad and thankful I am to have you in my life."

As soon as these words escaped the gate of his mouth, I knew.

I just knew that whatever this was between us, was not something limited to a crush. It was something more, and it was rapidly expanding against the walls of my heart.

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SO, I'm back after my one month hiatus 🤐 sorry ppl college is a bitch

+ Also, I'm shocked and so thankful that even when I wasn't updating, people still kept reading this shitty book. Thank you so much. We're close to 2K! Wow <3