When it Raynes: Chapter 33

I’ve never felt so conflicted.

I want to believe him. I want to crawl into his lap and seek the comfort I know he can offer me, but my squashed independence and the little voice telling me this won’t last won’t allow me to do that.

A man like Rayne Saint James doesn’t want anything long term. I’ve read enough tabloids to realize he’s a player, but if that’s the case, why is he moving me in? Does he have some warped sense of responsibility because I was attacked on his watch? Does he think I blame him for Russo and that’s what is making him do all these things?

“I can’t stay here, Rayne,” I whisper. There are so many reasons why, but the main one is that things are moving too quickly. If I allow him to take everything from me, if I allow him to take away my freedom, what happens when he grows tired of me, which will happen. There is no way a girl like me can keep a man like Rayne entertained for more than a few weeks at the most.

“You are staying here, Emerson. There is no argument you can make that will make me let you out of this penthouse, and if you continue to fight me on this, you will be locked up here indefinitely. There will be no going to the Center, there will be no going to classes, there will be you here in this penthouse until I’m sure you’re not going to run from me.”

I blanch at the thought of being his prisoner, of not being allowed to leave this apartment. I’d miss out on the work I love, and I would likely fail my courses if I’m not able to attend the few lectures they don’t stream online. He’s backing me into a corner. “You can’t do that,” I whisper.

Rayne chuckles. “Oh sweet girl, but I can. I don’t want to take away all you care about, all you are, but if it means you’re mine, and you’re safe, then I’ll have no choice but to do it.” He reaches for me again and this time I don’t have the strength to pull away because the reality is that I want this.

I want to be with Rayne, even if I think it won’t last.

I want to be with Rayne, even if it could put me in more danger than I’m already in.

I want to be with Rayne, even if the idea of being his terrifies me.

Rayne pulls me into his arms and holds me close to his chest, breathing a sigh of what sounds a lot like relief. “Never run from me,” he murmurs quietly into my hair. “I can’t lose you, sweet girl.”

I nod as I let the tears fall down my cheeks. Tears for the loss of freedom, for the relief the debt is gone, for the fact I could have been kidnapped last night and Rayne may not have been able to find me.

I cry until there are no tears left to cry, and then I let Rayne’s warmth pull me under, drifting off into a dreamless state where I can escape my harsh reality for a little while.

Iwake sometime later alone in the bed. The sheets beside me are cool, meaning Rayne likely got up not long after I fell asleep and I can’t help but feel a little disappointed. After all we went through this morning, him leaving me here feels almost unbearable.

As I climb from the bed, I notice the sunset over the Chicago skyline. It’s so unlike me to sleep for an entire day, but I guess after the events of the last twenty-four hours, my body craved the rest. I’m not surprised and sleep gave me the escape I so desperately needed from my new reality.

I walk to the bathroom and quickly splash my face with cold water as if I can wash the tiredness from my pores. Before I can think better of it I meet my own eyes in the mirror. The girl looking back at me is a stranger. Her auburn hair is messy, her normally vibrant eyes are dull, and she looks scared. The bruise on the side of my face is dark and ugly, the purple and green mark marbling together.

I drag my eyes away before I can allow myself to think too much more about how I got myself into this mess and stand at the closed bedroom door for long moments. Faintly I can hear voices somewhere in the penthouse and I’m not sure if I want to come face to face with anyone, Rayne included.

My stomach growls angrily and it’s all the encouragement I need to tug the door open and pad out into the living area. There are boxes stacked against one wall, my shitty furniture piled by the door. I don’t know why he bothered to bring that, but maybe I could put it in storage for when this inevitably crashes and burns.

“You’re awake.” Rayne beams from his spot leaning against the kitchen counter. “Wynter and Snow came to check on you, but I didn’t want to wake you.”

Both women wear bright smiles. Their faces are free of makeup, both wearing yoga pants and a sweater but they still look like they’re ready to walk a runway. The genes in this damn family.

I stand staring at them for a moment before turning on my heel. I need to change. I need to brush my hair. There’s no way I can stand in a room with the two of them looking like that, while I look like I’m about to drop dead.

Footsteps behind me only tell me that Rayne is a few steps behind, and by the time I close the door to the closet, he’s opening it and striding in. “Sweet girl?”

I take deep breaths as I stare at the expensive clothes in front of me. Labels I never dreamed of hang in front of me. Dresses and skirts. Shirts and jumpers. There’s more clothing in this closet than I’ve owned in my entire life, and I have no idea where to start.

“Emerson?”

“I’m never going to be able to pay you back,” I whisper. He may have paid off some debt for me, but the amount I’m in with him is more than I’ll make in ten lifetimes. No matter how much he says I’m not a prisoner, that he’s not buying me, I’ve never felt cheaper than I do right now.

Rayne wraps his arms around my waist and tugs me back against his chest. “None of what is happening here is a loan, Emerson. You are mine. My woman. My heart. My everything. Mine.” The rapture in his words makes me melt into him. A man like Rayne could lie until the cows came home, but even a lie on his lips wouldn’t sound that sincere.

“Do you mean that?” I ask quietly. My own self-doubt seeping in. It’s always been this way. I’ve never felt like I’m enough and while everyone blames their parents for their shortcomings, I know for a fact it was my mother that made me this way. When she left and started a new family, she told me I wasn’t enough. I would never be enough.

Rayne turns me in his arms before pushing me until my back is flush against the wall. His eyes flare with a mixture of need and anger as one of his hands trails up until it brackets my throat. There’s no pressure under his hold, only the promise of what will come if I don’t pay attention. “I need you to listen to me, Emerson. You. Are. Everything. Another woman hasn’t so much as stepped foot in this apartment unless I’m related to them, or they work for me. I’ve never thought about living with a woman. I’ve never thought about marriage and kids. I’ve never considered starting a war with the enemy because he threatened my woman. But guess what, sweet girl? All of those things are happening because of you. Never doubt that. Never doubt us.” His fingers brush against the sensitive flesh of my neck, hovering over my pulse as if he’s reminding himself I’m here and that I’m safe. “I know this is a lot for you, and I’m sorry I couldn’t take more time to ease you in, but I almost lost you last night. Honestly, I don’t know how I’m ever going to let you out of my sight again.” He sighs. “I need you to trust me to keep you safe. I don’t want to lock you up and take your freedom away, but I will if it’s the difference between keeping you safe and losing you. I can’t lose you.” His voice cracks and I feel the sincerity in his words. He’s scared. Rayne Saint James, enforcer for one of the biggest criminal organizations in the country, complete with muscles on top of muscles, is afraid of something. He’s afraid of losing me.

My heart swells at his words and tears gather in my eyes. No one has ever said something so sweet to me, never made me feel like I’m their entire world, and I realize I want this. I want to be his everything. I want him to protect me fiercely. I want it all.

I nod. “Okay.”

Rayne lets out a breath and tugs me into his arms, holding my body tight against his. “Thank you, sweet girl.” It’s the first time I’ve ever felt at home in someone’s arms, and so for once, I’m going against my head and running full speed with what my heart wants.