Chapter Fourteen

The rain is still coming down hard when Harry pulls up to Louis' house later that evening. He'd spent half an hour in the shower after arriving home in the middle of the afternoon, trying to get warm again. He'd had to sit and wait for another hour and a half following their impromptu dance number.

He's dressed in normal, black jeans and a large jumper which manages to trap the newly gathered body heat since his shower. He dashes from the driveway up to the front porch, forgoing grabbing his umbrella for the short distance.

The moment he presses the buzzer to the house, the distinct sound of barking comes from inside the house and he smiles quietly to himself as he realizes he gets to spend his evening with the two dogs.

The door is pulled open before him not much later, and before him once more is Louis. He's changed out of his wet clothes and into comfortable sweats and a pull over jumper, his hair still damp from a shower. And Harry can't believe this had once been his life, coming home to find a relaxed, content Louis at their home. Had travelled the world with this man, had loved him and dedicated hours and hours solely to learning every inch of him. Even after four years he could still feel the ghost sensation of what it was like to touch him, to be with him and know that they were so comfortable in themselves when they were around each other.

It hurts. It definitely fucking hurts.

He pushes the thought from his mind as Louis mumbles a Hey and steps aside to let Harry in.

"So who of the others have heard it yet?" Harry says as way of greeting as he trails after Louis into the open living room and kitchen space.

"Zayn's the only one who's heard the whole thing, the other two have heard a couple songs." Louis answers as he automatically moves around the kitchen bench to turn the kettle on.

It's much easier this time around, Harry notes as he pulls out one of the chairs, the same he'd sat in the last time he was here, and takes a seat. Louis doesn't ask him if he wants a drink, automatically pulling two mugs down from a cupboard and it's something that had once been so achingly familiar that it seems even four years apart can't drive between them in this case.

"How many tracks are there?"

"12. So it'll take some time."

"You know," Harry starts as the realization hits him, "You could still just send them to me. So, you know, you don't have to sit with me while I listen through it."

"Don't be silly Haz, we've missed enough of each others lives that I want to do this with you here." Louis says, his eyes briefly meeting Harry's. But Harry wants to scream at him in that moment, You left me! But he knows that'll only hurt both of them. Perhaps that conversation will come later, when they're both feeling fully at ease around each other. But certainly not right now.

"Do I need tissues or am I not going to cry?" Harry tries at humour instead, because it's much easier than giving in to his true emotions.

"Honestly, no idea." Louis says and that just wasn't the answer Harry had wanted. If anything it left him feeling more unsure than he had been about ever hearing the album. He'd written almost the entirety of Fine Line with Louis in mind, and it hadn't occurred to him as he'd thought Louis was happy with Eleanor and had moved on from him, that perhaps Louis had moments in his songs about their relationship. Had needed to express something about the years they'd spent together.

It was brave. Harry thought as he gratefully accepted the warm cup of tea, for Louis to sit in the room with him while he played him his album. He knew Louis had listened to Fine Line now, and even with him having to perform those songs on stage, in front of Louis and thousands of others, he knew he couldn't have done what Louis is doing now. Too listen through his album with Louis in the room for his first time.

Louis moved around the bench and gestured towards the sofas across the Harry. Reaching for his tea, Harry stood and followed slowly behind Louis, taking a seat on the sofa while Louis walked towards the large screen tv and the record player on a table beneath it. He crouched down before a stocked shelf filled with records. Searched for a moment before pulling out a single vinyl.

They were both quite as Louis removed the vinyl from its casing and carefully placed it down on the turner.

He wasn't expecting the first track. Kill My Mind wasn't what he'd been thinking when he had spent a long while lying in his bed one-night thinking about the songs Louis had written. He liked it though, enjoyed the upbeat tempo and catchy lyrics, bopping his head along while Louis sat mostly still, gaze trained on Harry while the song played.

As the song drifted off and the slow tempo of the second track began to play, this is more what he'd imagined. He found himself smiling as the song continued, he definitely liked this one, was more his type of music. But mainly he loved the sound of Louis' voice as it filtered through the room.

Don't you let it kill you, even when it hurts like hell, oh whatever tears you apart, don't let it break your heart.

When you give so much but it's not enough. When the high's too high and the lows too low, when you love someone, and they let you go.

Harry stills as the song continues, the smile fading slowly from his face as he feels his heart clench at the lyrics to the song.

Don't let it break your heart.

Don't let it break your heart.

The song finishes eventually, and Harry doesn't say a word. When the next song comes on it's the only one he's heard before. He physically shrinks when Two Of Us begins to play as countless memories of Jay filter into his mind as the song begins. He'd always had such a soft spot for Jay, he knew you were meant to like your partners parent/s but Jay had truly been one of the most loving and special women he'd ever met. She had stuck by his and Louis' side through it all. Offering wise words and endless hugs each time the pressure got to much for the two of them.

Her death had hit Harry hard. He and Louis were over by that point but he still remembered Louis folding into his arms when he'd come to support him at his X – Factor performance.

As the song reaches the chorus he doesn't say a word as he reaches forward and grabs the tissue box from where Louis had placed it down on the coffee table. He buries his head in his hands, not able to stop the flood of memories as the song continues and the lyrics hit him far too deep.

The next song is almost jarring as the tune changes from the slow piano to a building tempo.

We were only kids just tryna work it out, wonder what they'd think if they could see us now.

And that was undoubtedly about the two of them. He's yet too look up at Louis, too absorbed in his own grief and longer for times past to do so. Perhaps he should have insisted Louis just send him the songs.

Too Young officially breaks his heart. Not just in two, but leaves it once more scattered through a bottomless pit. It's so painstakingly difficult to sit through it, but at the same time he isn't sure he could move even if he needed too. He's frozen in place as the words filter through him. And he wonders whether he truly expressed his feelings if this is what Louis had written.

I'm sorry that I hurt you darlin', we were too young.

I've been looking back a lot lately, me and you is all I've ever known.

Oh, I can't believe I gave in to the pressure. When they said a love like this could ever last. So I cut u off cause I didn't know no better, now I realize.

Now we can finally have a conversation, like I wish we could have had before.

We were too young.

He finally forces himself to look up at Louis as the song ends. He knows there's tears falling down his checks, but he needs to see Louis in this moment.

He doesn't think it was possible for his heart to break any further, but at the first glance of Louis, he honestly looks heartbroken as his eyes lock on Harry's.

They don't say anything, neither them moving either as the title track begins.

He doesn't think either of them break eye contact throughout the entire song. Harry's sole focus on Louis and the lyrics of the song and he knows nothing could pull him out of this moment right now.

He's so grateful when the songs ends, refusing to move from his spot curled on the sofa as the next song begins. He finally thinks he's going to get a reprieve till the second verse begins and he's plummeting through open air all over again.

Took some time cause I ran out of energy, of playing someone I heard I'm supposed to be but honestly, I don't have to choose, anymore. And it's been ages, different stages, come so far from Princess Park.

He doesn't even try stop the new flood of tears at the memories that surface from their time living together in the early days.

You're the habit that I can't break.

He barely registers this time when the songs change, that is until he hears,

It was always you, always you.

Should have never let you go, my baby.

Baby had always been one of Louis' preferred names for him when he didn't use Haz, Harold or Hazza.

He's crying in earnest by the time the song is halfway through. And he feels no form of shame or embarrassment at being so vulnerable in front of Louis. Recalls many nights when one of them had been so upset at something or rather, usually the unfairness of their closeted relationship, that he just knows Louis would rather him cry and let himself hear the meanings behind each song than bottle up his emotions.

He doesn't resist when he vaguely senses Louis stand from the small, one person chair he'd been occupying and comes to sit down right beside Harry. When his arm wraps around Harry's shoulder he doesn't resist as Louis pulls him down into him and Harry curls himself down into Louis. He's shaking slightly now but Louis just sits there, soothingly running a hand up and down his arm in utter silence.

Wasting my time when it was always you, always you.

I was chasing a habit, it was always you, always you.

Neither of them moves as the song fades out and the ninth track begins.

Strong enough to get it wrong in front of all these people.

Fearless.

It's going by in a blur now. His tears have stops but he wishes he had the strength to ask Louis to stop the tracks. He needs time to process this rush of emotion. But he doesn't. He knows he needs to get through this, so he remains where he is and continues to listen.

Every insecurity, like a neon sign, as bright as day. If you knew what you were to me, you would never try to hide away.

The last of his tears dry on his face, his breathe evening out and he closes his eyes and waits for the next song to start.

Been up, all night, all night running all my lines.

That one struck something in Harry. He vividly remembers the countless times management had forced them into acting and saying things they'd never dream of saying. He knew there had been instances which had damaged and put a large amount of strain on their relationship. They'd pushed through it all, and Harry had never doubted that their love would outlast anything that could ever be thrown at them. He'd apparently been wrong.

Defenceless ends and he does a mental note of the number of songs he's heard before realising that this must be the last song, track twelve.

The sole strumming of the guitar is a contrast to the other tracks. The different layers to Louis' voice as it comes through the speakers.

It's a church of burnt romances, and I'm too far gone to pray.

It's a solo song and it's only for the brave.

And oh... now he understands the references from his note to the two teenagers' boys and why their fans had blown up at the comment. Of course they must think that Harry had done it deliberately.

The song is short, far shorter than he'd expected.

The sudden silence that fills the room is deafening.

It's a long, long while before either of them speaks, or even moves. Harry's head resting now in Louis' lap and he has to contain his moan as Louis begins running his hand through his hair. It had always been a weakness for him, when Louis played with his hair like this. And it certainly wasn't fair for him to be doing so now with Harry so vulnerable.

"That's it." Louis whispers into the silence and Harry very wells knows that that is not just it. The lyrics went far deeper than he could conjure after listening only once through the album. The inserted references of a life lived together. Five years of being totally and utterly in love with one another.

And it just didn't make sense. Not in the bloody slightest. It had been Louis who had called for a break, had insisted that they both needed to live a life apart from one another, now that they were older and were free from their constraints. That they both needed to experience life without being absorbed in the other. Harry had spent four years learning to accept that, constantly wonders whether he ever did accept it. He knows he loves Louis. Whether he's currently in love with him is more debatable and certainly not something he wishes to delve into tonight. But after hearing Louis' album he's left with scrambling thoughts and a broken heart. He'd thought for so long now that Louis had moved on from him, but everything in that album suggested he hadn't. Went as far as to insinuate that he longed for it back.

He'd had Louis in his mind for so long, had him tattooed across his own skin and woven into the very person he was, that it was dam fucking hard to have listened through that.

But he knows he needed to have.

"Thank you." He says into the silence that's engulfed them since Louis' words. His voice is hoarse, as if he'd been yelling for hours.

Louis doesn't ask him what for, they both know the meaning behind those two words.