Chapter Forty

Arriving outside of Louis' family home hits him the moment the engine turns off. The two of them sitting in silence and he tries to recall the last time he'd been here. Back then he'd have leapt out from the car, gone straight inside to hug them all, spend hours in the kitchen with Jay, girls running around him and teasing him, stealing any bit of Louis or his affection in the limited time they had with them both.

But there was no Jay waiting inside for them this time.

He realised then how strong Louis had been over the past couple of years, he'd spent so much time away from his family and now that Jay was gone his best memories of her were in this house, surrounded by his family.

Louis seemed to be thinking along the same mindset as him right now, and instead of dwelling on it he reached over, taking Louis' hand in his and squeezing hard. He couldn't make this about his sadness, he wouldn't taint their first time back here together with solemn memories of what had once been. They needed to truly move past that now.

Last night had been a relief for both of them from the fast paced nature that had taken over their lives in recent months. He, Gemma, Anne and Louis had spent hours huddled in the lounge talking. Only moving to bed when he'd promptly feel asleep curled into Louis' side, having to been shaken away by a bleary eyed Louis and almost carried up to their bedroom. He'd not lasted half a minute after being lain down on the bed before he'd fallen asleep once more. He'd woken up that morning to Louis pressed to his side, arms wrapped around him.

Neither of them spoke as they pushed open their car doors, forgoing grabbing their luggage for now as they wander up the short distance to the front door.

They don't make it all the way to the front door before it flies open and three young woman and barreling out towards them.

Daisy and Phoebe go straight for Louis but he's caught off guard when Lottie slams into him and wraps him tightly in her embrace.

"Welcome back home stranger." She murmurs into his shoulder. He pushes back the tightness in his throat at her words and pulls her tightly into him.

Walking into Louis' families home is just as odd of an experience as he'd thought. He feels incomplete being here without Jay here to fold into, offering her endless wisdom and simply being like a second mum to him. There's also the missing excitement and energy from Felicity, he can't help the way his eyes trail across the room searching for them both but mentally draws himself back before it becomes obvious.

"We'll show you round come on!" Daisy says to him, the first time either of the older twins have addressed him yet and he smiles as he trails after him.

"It's nice to see him looking like that again you know." Phoebe says once they're out of earshot from where Louis and Lottie remain in the lounge catching up.

"Like what?" He questions.

"Properly happy. It's like a light went out in him over the last few years, he's been Louis but not quite Louis you know?"

He hums in response, thinking back to how different Louis had seemed on that first night he'd reconnected with him back in December. He'd noticed it too, that slight disconnect between the man that had stood before him compared to the memories he had of him.

"I think we'd both spent so much of those five years we were together in invested in each other that without that constant feeling around it was as if there was an incomplete factor in life, at least that's how I'd felt."

"We're sorry you know," Daisy says next, "About how we treated you back when we first saw you again." He goes to dismiss it but she continues before he gets the chance. "We were too young to understand what had happened between you two when things ended, all we knew was that you weren't around and Louis was miserable. That year was so hard for us and I think at the time we put some of the blame and anger we felt towards everything onto you just because we could. Louis never wanted to talk about it so we just continued thinking of it like that."

"He explained it to us you know, at least part of it." Phoebe chimes in as they make their way up to the second floor where all the bedrooms are. "It was confusing seeing you again that first time, especially since it seemed Louis was suddenly different again, we couldn't quite figure it out at the time, but seeing how he is walking through that door just know, I think it's pretty clear."

"It's not just me you know," He tries, fighting a blush, "He's back with all of us, touring and being back on stage where he belongs."

"Believe us Harry, it's mostly thanks to you."

~~~~

It's Lottie who finds him next. Later that night once darkness has fallen, Louis had gone upstairs with the twins to put Doris and Ernest to bed. The two younger set of twins had returned to the house with Dan two hours ago. He'd spent most of the time since wrapped up in one or the other, not able to get enough of their smiling young faces and endless stream of questions for him. Louis had looked at him afterwards like he'd hung the stars, seeing Harry fit so easily back in with his family now.

He startles now as Lottie folds her legs under her on the opposite side of the sofa. The retreating sounds of the five other Tomlinson's fading out as they make their way deeper into the house.

"Is this the scary oldest sister chat I'm about to experience? Think Gemma pulled Lou aside for that one last night. Seemed white as a sheet when he came up for bed."

Lottie just laughs at his words and shakes her head, "Think we've already covered that chat H years ago."

"Didn't stop Gemma from going for round two."

"I mean I can be scary oldest sibling if you want me too...."

"No!" He cries and they both burst out laughing. "Think I can live without that one."

"You'll both get it right this time won't you though." Lottie says after a moment, gaze lingering on the stairs and voice serious once more.

"Second time's a charm."

"I think the saying goes third time's a charm but..."

"Semantics." He mutters and she smiles at him.

"You've made it ten years, now there's only a few months left and you can be free together till the end of days."

He contemplates her words, thinking over everything they'll be able to do and share next year. An exactment begins to bubble inside him at the thought. It's not as if he hasn't thoughts about it till this point, but having someone else who isn't he or Louis say it so clearly to his face that they'll be free in only a few short months seems to only make it clearer who little time left of hiding in a glass closet they both have.

"I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him." He whispers then.

"He really loves you ya know."

"I know." He says with a smile, "I really love him too."

~~~~

"Hey." Louis calls out softly to him as he walks back down into the living room. Lottie had just got up to go to bed but he'd remained down here for a while longer, unsure how long Louis would be.

"Hey." He answers as Louis stops before him and leans down to kiss him softly. "Come with me?" He asks offering his hand. Harry takes it and pulls himself off the sofa, following Louis towards the kitchen near the back of the house. Louis diverts for a moment, grabbing a guitar from the opposite room, sending him a flash of a smile and continues to lead him outside into the back yard.

"What's this about?" He finally asks eyeing the guitar as Louis perches on one of the outdoor seating areas near the back of the property.

"I wanted to play something for you."

He thinks he melts a little bit at those words. It's not as if they never used to not sit around and sing to one another but this particular moment feels special.

"Ok."

"It's a little rough at the moment, but it's been on my mind for ages now and I just want for you to hear it."

He remains silent at the almost nervous expression Louis wears as he starts strumming a melody. He continues for a while, no other noise asides from the quiet sound of the guitar.

Eventually Louis' voice joins softly in with the guitar and the words he sings breaks a piece of him.

And I know, that you are, sitting waiting all alone

And you know, I'm sorry

So hurt me, come over

I'm sick of fighting all the time

And baby, I want this

Yeah and I'm sorry, that I am not there

But I hope you know, you know I care

Cause I don't want you to feel alone

Oh just please there, oh please be there when I'm home

And baby it's the same shit

Yeah every night that I'm not home

It taught me, to want this

It taught you, you to trust me

I can't help what is going on

But you know, that I'm trying

Yeah I'm sorry, that I am not there

But I hope you know, you know I care

Cause I don't want you to feel alone

Oh just please be there, please be there when I'm home

He's crying by the time Louis fades out the song. Tears silently streaking down his face as he looks up at Louis from where he's sitting in front of him. He doesn't have the words to describe how he feels in that moment but he blindly registers reaching out for Louis' hand.

Louis grabs for his floundering hand, wrapping it between both of his as tears spring in to his eyes also.

"I'm sorry, for everything Harry." Louis whispers to him.

There's still no words forming in his mind, he just sits and clings desperately onto Louis' hand.

"Writing that felt like the last sharp pain I'd been feeling was leaving me. It will always be there, the knowledge of how deeply I hurt you, and I needed a way to get it off my chest. That song will never go anywhere, but I needed you to hear it."

Words don't come to him but he kneels forward and wraps his arms around Louis, still crying in earnest. The guitar sits uncomfortably wedged between them but he pays it no mind. He pulls away only far enough so that he can kiss him, tears staining both of their checks. Louis kisses him back with such an equal amount of tenderness that he feels it chase all the way through him and it's all the conformation he needs to know that he'll never have to live without this man again.

"You don't have to apologise anymore. I know you're sorry. I know this is forever."

The song for anyone interest is 'Sorry' by Kookshill, would thoroughly recommend giving it a listen