Caught Up: Chapter 36

Once Max is asleep in my arms, I get him settled in his crib so I can get out of this room, bolting right past Kai standing in the doorway.

“Miller,” he calls out, but I don’t stop or slow, needing to get to the bathroom. Needing a second alone after what Max just said.

Before I can get away, Kai circles my elbow.

I turn to face him, and I know there’s no hiding how upset I am from him. “I never asked him to call me that. I promise I didn’t.”

Kai shakes his head in confusion. “What? I . . . I know that.”

This little boy, who I love more than I knew I was capable of, just looked at me and called me his mom. “I’m going to ruin him.”

“What are you talking about?”

“His own mother left him, and now I’m going to leave him tomorrow, and he just called me that.” I gesture towards Max’s bedroom, tears streaming down my face.

“You’re not leaving him, Mills. You’re just leaving.”

“This was supposed to be an easy summer. I was just going to help you so I could spend some time with my dad. I don’t want to hurt him, Kai, and there’s no way around that now. What the hell happened?”

I’m frantic, spinning out of control. I’ve never been one to get emotional, but these two boys have turned me into an emotional wreck.

Kai steps into me, cradling my cheek with his palm, attempting to calm me the way he always does. “What happened is he fell in love with you, and I think you fell right back.”

I suck in a shuddering sob. “We had rules to prevent this kind of thing.”

Rules that didn’t do shit to keep me from falling for them both.

“No, Mills.” He gestures between us. “We had rules. You couldn’t have stopped him from feeling that way towards you, and I think a big part of me knew that from day one.”

Of course, he knew. I remember him telling me how scared he was for his son to grow attached to someone else who’d be leaving. Regardless, I stayed, and look what happened.

“You were right, Kai. I should’ve left after the first night in Miami.”

“Don’t say that.”

Hands on my head, I try to control my breathing. “I’m going to break his heart tomorrow, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with that.”

Kai swallows the distance between us, wrapping his arms around me to pull me into his chest. Sobs wrack my body then, knowing that he’s got me. He’ll settle me one last time.

“I haven’t earned that title,” I say into his shirt. “I haven’t done anything to be called that.”

“Yes, you have, Miller. Contrary to what you believe, you don’t have to be the best to earn a name for yourself. I know you. I know you’re having a hard time grasping what just happened because this wasn’t a goal you set out to achieve, so yeah, you’re feeling undeserving of the name. But what if I waited until I was the best possible dad to allow him to call me that? He’d be waiting for the rest of his fucking life.”

I bury myself deeper into his chest. He’s right about how I feel. I’m not good enough to be this boy’s mom. I don’t even know how to help him when he’s sick. I don’t have those natural motherly instincts.

“I see the way you are with him,” he continues. “How much confidence you give him just by being there for him. How much you love him. Trust me, I know how fucking scary it is for someone to view you that way, and tomorrow when you go, I’ll start straightening that out for him, but it’s not because you’re underserving of that name.”

It’s because I won’t be around to have it.

Inhaling a calming breath, I step back from him. “I shouldn’t have been so close with him this summer, Kai. I should’ve kept the line clearer that I was just passing through.”

Kai’s icy gaze hardens. “Why? So my son could spend time with someone who doesn’t make him feel like he’s the most important person in the world the way you have? Or so he wouldn’t know what it feels like to be loved the way you love him? That’s bullshit and you know it. Or are you saying that in regards to me? That you should’ve kept the line clearer with me that you’re just passing through.”

I should’ve kept the line clearer for myself because this hurts. Every word feels like an arrow straight to the heart, sharp and painful. This is exactly why I’ve remained detached because loving someone when your paths are running in different directions is the worst kind of torture.

Kai takes off his hat, placing it on the kitchen island, running an aggravated hand through his dark brown hair. “God, Miller, you try so hard to keep yourself detached. To live this lonely life, and I don’t fucking get it.”

I know he’s speaking, but all I can see is his hat sitting upside down on the kitchen island. The same photo of Max is tucked into the inner brim, but now there’s a new addition. I could pick out that picture anywhere. The bright yellow T-shirt is hard to miss after seeing it on my dad’s desk every day this summer.

“What is that?”

Kai follows my line of sight, staring right at his hat. His exhale is defeated. “You know what that is.”

“Why? Why would that be there? Why is it next to Max’s picture?”

He doesn’t answer me, so I pull my attention away from the picture to find him staring at me and it isn’t until he has my full attention that he says, “Because when life or work gets too stressful, too overwhelming for me, I’m able to see who matters most. And that’s you, Miller.” He shakes his head. “And it’s in there because I’m so fucking in love with you, it’s too painful not to be able to see you every second of the day.”

I shake my head frantically, as if the words will disappear if I do. “No, you’re not.”

We had rules that I needed him to follow. Rules that were set in place to keep me from hurting him. I can deal with breaking my own heart, but I can’t live with breaking his. It’s happened too many times in his life.

“I am.” He throws his hands up in defeat. “I fucking love you, and I’m sorry that neither my son nor I could control how we feel about you. I’m sorry that this is the last thing you wanted to hear, but I’m not sorry that I do.”

“Kai,” I cry, fresh tears streaming down my face. “You can’t. We just . . . we got caught up in this. We had rules.”

“Fuck your rules, Miller!” he bursts, pacing the hallway that leads to his room. “I’m not asking you to love me back.”

But I do.

“But I’m not going to keep pretending like I’m not absolutely fucking ruined from having you for the last two months. I know this is the last thing you wanted, but I’m not going to apologize. You’re my favorite person, Miller, and for once I had someone for me. I had someone taking care of me. After being alone for so long, I finally had someone looking out for me.”

“I haven’t been taking care of you.” I frantically shake my head. “You were the one taking care of me.”

“You’ve been taking care of my heart, Mills, and I’ve been taking care of yours.”

Using the back of my hands, I attempt to clean my face, but the stupid tears won’t stop falling.

“Fuck,” he breathes. “I didn’t want to tell you because I knew it’d scare you, make you run. But I guess it doesn’t matter anymore because you’re leaving tomorrow anyway.”

“You want a family to raise your son around. I don’t have that, Kai.” I swear I’m looking for anything to talk him out of his feelings. “I only have me.”

“I only want you! We already have a family, Miller. My friends, the team, your dad. And you. I just want you.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” I squeak out. “I knew I was leaving the entire time and I let you get attached. I let myself get attached, and now I’m just another person that’s going to leave you.”

Kai moves into the kitchen, hands braced on the counter in front of him. The kitchen where so much of my summer was spent. Where so many of my favorite memories were made.

“Miller, you’re not just another person.” He won’t look at me, his attention locked on the ground, and I catch the first tear fall from under his glasses, hitting the floor. “You put me first when I forgot how to. You reminded me what it felt like to be important, to be chosen first. I know you wanted this to be easy and detached, but you’re fucking in here.” His fingers meet his chest, tapping it a couple of times, blue eyes meeting mine, and full of pain. “You’re everywhere, and when you leave tomorrow, I’ll still see you everywhere. In this kitchen. In Max’s room. In my bed. There’s nothing about us that’s easy. This is fucking miserable, Miller, knowing there’s a clock counting down the seconds until I don’t have you anymore, but I’d do it all over again. I’d fall in love with you all over again. I’d break my heart all over again because loving you was one of the two greatest surprises of my life.”

His other being his son and being compared to the most important person in his life has my head falling back, trying to catch my breath.

Kai’s hands are fisted on the counter, shoulders low and defeated. He’s bent over in agony, a physical representation of how I feel.

“If I could . . .” he continues, shaking his head. “I’d chase you. I’d spend every free day on an airplane to get to you, even if that meant I only got to kiss you once before I had to fly back to Chicago. I’d spend my off-season living out of a hotel or out of your fucking van just to be close to you, but it’s not only me I’m making decisions for anymore. And because of that, I don’t want you to say anything. Don’t tell me if you love me, and fuck,” he exhales a painful laugh. “Please don’t tell me if you don’t. But especially don’t give me any hope because if you do, I have a feeling I’d chase you across the country until you were caught.”

Unable to keep my distance from him, I slip under his arm to meet him chest to chest. “Kai,” I whisper, short of breath and overwhelmed by his confession.

There’s so much I want to admit, but when I search his eyes, looking for the right words, he simply shakes his head, begging for me not to say any of it. So instead, I lean up on my toes, pulling him down to meet my lips, kissing him in a way that I hope conveys just how much I love him.

Leaning back, I run both my thumbs across his cheeks before slipping his glasses off. He’s so handsome, so mine. At least for tonight.

One last time.

“Please,” I whisper, eyes searching his.

He chuckles, but it’s stunted without humor. “We’re past playing hard to get, Mills. You never have to ask.”

Craning his neck, he takes my mouth in a searing kiss, simultaneously lifting me from the ground and carrying me to his room.

He lays me back on his bed so gently, so reverently, before settling between my open legs, never once peeling his lips from mine. His chest is already pounding against mine as I try to take it all in. Every needy kiss, every tender stroke.

It feels cruel in a way, to indulge in each other one last time. The awareness that this is it, this is the last time, is heavy in the air.

Kai guides my arms out of his jersey I’m wearing and all I can think about is that day at the field when he told me he liked seeing pretty girls in his jersey and liked to take it off them too. But he’s not wearing that cheeky smirk he wore that day. Tonight, his face is tormented as he peels his last name off me.

When I take off his shirt, I follow with a path of kisses up his stomach and chest, his lean muscles contracting in the wake of it all. He cradles my cheek, pulling my mouth back to his, breathing labored against my lips.

Every movement is languid, focused.

We kiss for longer than we ever have. We touch and explore. We just do more, more of whatever will drag this night on as long as possible.

“Undo my belt,” he murmurs against my lips.

I do as he asks while we continue to kiss, tongues stroking, searching for one another.

When his pants meet the floor, he undresses me in the same explorative way, kissing every inch of my skin and worshiping my body until we’re both naked and writhing and wanting.

Kai’s hips are settled against mine, his rigid length rubbing right where I want him as we kiss and ache.

He reaches to his nightstand next to me, but I put a hand on his to stop him.

His confused gaze meets mine.

“I’m on birth control.”

“Miller—”

“Please, Kai.” Stroking the side of his face, I hold his attention. “I need you, all of you. One time. For the last time.”

His throat moves in a deep swallow. “Are you sure about this?”

“Yes, but only if this is what you want too.”

He searches my face for a moment. “It is.”

“I’m . . .” I shake my head. “I haven’t been with anyone else this way.”

“Me neither.”

“But—”

He exhales a breath of a laugh. “When I said Max was a surprise, I meant it. You’re the only person I’ve ever wanted to be this close to.”

His fingers find me first, dipping between our bodies and running the entirety of my core. I can feel how ready I am by how easily he slides over me.

His steely blues close when he feels me. “So wet, Mills.”

I open my legs a little wider for that, arching my back and running my pussy over his erection.

Kai uses his wet fingers to slick his cock, coating him in me. He settles on top of me again, holding himself up on one arm as I stroke his back, keeping him close.

He watches me with rapt admiration as he slicks himself against my seam, his lips dipping to taste mine again.

“Please let me say it,” he whispers against me. “I’ve tried to show you all summer, so let me just say it on the last night I have you.”

“Tell me.”

He nudges his nose against mine. “I love you. God, I love you so much, Miller, it feels like it might kill me.”

I quickly nod because he won’t let me say it in return as I try to keep the lingering emotion held back, my hands running to his lower spine to urge him inside of me.

And with that confession, he tilts his hips and pushes inside.

Skin to skin.

Warm and tight and so breathtakingly full.

Our gaping mouths dust one another’s, our beating chests rising and falling in sync.

“Oh my God,” I exhale. “Kai, you feel—”

“Incredible. You feel incredible, Miller,” he finishes for me. “I can feel every inch of you.”

Everything about this feels attached. Not only the physical bond, but his heart and mine. It feels like we belong here, together, and the knowledge that I’m the reason this ends tomorrow has the burn of fresh tears welling at the base of my lashes.

I’m overwhelmed. With his body. With the way I feel about him. With the aching reminder that tomorrow it all ends.

Kai moves, slowly rolling his body on mine, his pelvis hitting my clit in the most delicious way with every slide. I hold him to me as the room fills with desperate gasps and panting breaths. He decorates my skin with soft bites and soothing kisses, murmuring how much he loves me, how thankful he is for me, how much I changed everything for him.

But can’t he see I’m the one who’s different?

I’m the one who has been completely unassembled and remade in the last eight weeks.

“Miller,” he whispers, using his thumb to wipe the falling tears from my cheeks. “Don’t cry.”

I stroke the side of his face, holding eye contact. “I can’t help it.”

He continues to move inside of me, this overwhelming amount of love surrounding us both. Kai kisses my cheeks, cleaning up my face as the tears continue to drown me, suffocating my senses. He lifts one of my legs closer to my chest, hand cupping my ass to get himself deeper, closer, and I’ve never felt anything like it.

It’s intimate.

It’s connection.

It’s love and it’s terrifyingly painful because it’s all going to end.

Kai pulls back to look at me and it’s then I see the sheen over his eyes. He feels it all too.

“Miller,” he says, making sure my attention is on him. “If you ever decide to stop running and make a home . . . Make it with me.”

A choked sob escapes me, and all I can do is nod in agreement. If I ever changed my life, switched directions, it wouldn’t be for anyone other than him.

We hold each other as our bodies move in sync, letting them say all the things I can’t.

And that night, when Kai whispers that today was a good day against my skin, I don’t tell him that they can all be good days.

Because for me, this was the very last one.