Chapter 10

6 years ago

6 months before

"My turn!" Melanie smiled before she crashed a popcorn between her teeth and looked around the group as they laid onto their stomachs in the circle in Melanie's bedroom, celebrating her 12th birthday. They were playing Truth or Dare and they already had to reveal embarrassing secrets to each other and laughing about it. It was already dark outside and the dim light of Melanie's lava lamp that had been put in the middle of the circle lit up the room. "Alyssa, truth or dare?"

"Dare," Alyssa said and also ate a piece of popcorn.

Melanie thought about a dare assignment for a moment before she looked back up at her friend. "Give Pax a kiss on his cheek!"

Paxton immediately grimaced and Alyssa narrowed her eyes at him. "Oh come here you big baby," she said while rolling her eyes, grabbing Paxton's head and leaned in to press her lips against the skin of his cheek.

Paxton let out an audible "ew" and wiped his cheek with his hand, leaving the rest of the children laughing.

"Now you're just exaggerating," Alyssa frowned. She rolled her eyes again before looking out at the group. Her eyes traveled over the faces of her friends before they settled at Carter's. "Carter," she said, "truth or dare?"

Carter shifted up a bit, not really sure what to choose. Though he was rather comfortable at the moment, laying there on his stomach next to Josh. "Truth," he answered finally.

Alyssa looked at her hands, thinking about a question for a moment, before her eyes went back up to look at him. "Do you like someone? As in, do you have a crush on someone?"

Carter's eyes went a little wider at the question and he looked away. For some reason, he immediately thought of Josh. Was he in love Josh? That couldn't be, he was his best friend after all. Though he couldn't help but think about him and his cheeks got a little warmer. When he was younger, he had thought about marrying Josh and how he would stay with him for the rest of his life, until he found out that it was apparently wrong to feel that way about another boy. But that feeling never really left him, despite knowing that he shouldn't feel it.

Even now, when he had to think about someone he had a crush on, Josh was the first and only person that came to mind.

"Maybe..." Carter answered softly. "I think so."

"You think so?" Alyssa asked. "So, is that a yes?"

Carter swallowed and fiddled with his own fingers, feeling the warmth of Josh laying next to him radiating against his him, suddenly feeling his presence a lot more clearly. Liking someone, having a crush on someone, that must create the feeling of always wanting to be with that person. To want to touch them, be close to them and maybe even kiss them. Thinkin about Josh, he probably wanted to do that all.

"Yes..." he finally replied. "I have a crush on someone."

He felt his heart beating steadily in his chest as he realized his own feelings, and saying them out loud. He was suddenly in such a high, thinking about his true feelings. He was in love with his best friend, the boy lying next to him.

There was a moment of silence before Alyssa spoke again.

"Who is it?" she asked.

Carter felt his cheeks flaring up and looked shyly at the carpet they were laying on.

"Hey, he just had to answer one question," Josh defended him. "He answered it, so he doesn't need to answer another one."

Carter was too embarrassed to look at Josh now, but did smile at how quickly he was to defend him when he was clearly feeling uncomfortable. Even the sound of his voice gave Carter a certain feeling within his stomach right now.

He figured it was his turn to ask someone truth or dare now. He cleared his throat a bit and flashed a glance at Josh.

"Josh," he spoke, "truth or dare."

"Truth."

Carter still fiddled with his fingers, and suddenly the idea of also asking Josh if he had a crush on someone popped into his head. He knew he probably shouldn't ask, but right now, curiosity got the better of him. If he really was in love, he wanted to hear if he also liked someone. Though whatever the answer would be, Carter knew it would only lead to disappointment. "Do... do you like someone?"

Josh was silent, and Carter still couldn't look at him.

"Yes. I do," Josh then answered the question. In slight surprise, Carter looked up at Josh, whose eyes were fixated on the lava lamp. "I like someone."

Carter stared at him, having the urge to ask him who it was but he couldn't ask him another question which he wouldn't want to answer anyway.

So Josh was in love with someone. Carter looked away again and chewed the inside of his cheek. He thought that whoever that person may be, they were very lucky.

Now

When Carter was done with school, he went back home immediately, wanting to get ready for whatever Josh had planned. He probably just wanted to talk, and hopefully clarify the situation a little more, because the confusions kept building up for Carter. He splashed some water on his face and groomed his hair a little more, eventually declaring himself for silly over fussing over his appearance as if he was a sixteen year old girl who was about to go on her first date. But then again, he was a bit girly. Always had been. When it was 2:50 PM, he went to leave the house, telling his parents that he'd be back for diner.

He walked towards the docks where Josh's boat was tied up and looked out at the sea as he went. It was still so very warm even though summer was almost ending. And now that he thought about it, his birthday was also coming up. In a month, October 15th to be exact. He was finally turning 18. He had always been one of the youngest of his friends.

The shore got closer and he filled his nostrils with the scent of the ocean and the beach, the wind softly blowing through his hair and probably messing it up a little, though he couldn't care less.

Once he reached the docks, he had to look around again to find Josh's boat. Once spotted, he walked up to it, though he wasn't exactly sure what to do now. "Josh?" he called out, not sure if the other would hear him. He decided to climb onto the boat and walked up to the hatch, knocking on it hesitatingly.

After a few moments of waiting, the hatch was opened and Josh's head appeared. "Hey," he said, "come in."

Carter waited for Josh to climb back down before he also got onto the ladder. Once he was down, he looked around. He had never been inside a sailing boat before, and it actually looked impressive. It was rather small, but everything was there. A small kitchenette right against the walls which appeared to be one big bench which was covered in pillows, with a table right in the middle.

"Wow," Carter said in awe. "This looks good."

"It does, doesn't it?" Josh said and he walked to the kitchenette before opening the fridge. "I had to renovate it a bit, but I'm really happy with how it turned out," he spoke. "Do you want something to drink?"

"Just some water is fine," Carter said and he walked up to the bench before sitting on it. He saw two other doors on the sides of the wooden walls behind the ladder, figuring those must lead to the bathroom and bedroom.

Josh also went to sit down next to Carter, placing two glasses of water onto the table. Carter felt his warmth against his side and now only realized that Josh was always so warm.

"So, what I wanted to talk to you about," Josh spoke, leaning forward on his arms a little. "I guess I just wanted to apologize to you about yesterday," he said. "I just don't want you coming near my father. He's not doing so well and I avoid bringing anyone to my house, really. He's not exactly capable of handling people at the moment."

Carter listened to Josh as he took a sip of his water before putting the glass back down. "...Pax told me that he's been struggling with drinking problems," he replied. "I already had a feeling that that was the case, honestly. But I didn't understand why you got so very angry."

Josh bit his lip and vaguely stared at the wood of the table. "Listen, it's private. I just want you to stay away from him. If you see him in public, or anywhere, leave him alone and don't get too close to him."

Carter furrowed his eyebrows. "Why? Just because he has drinking problems doesn't mean he can't have a normal conversation with anyone."

"That's not what I'm saying," Josh said. He gave a sigh and ran a hand through his hair, looking back at Carter. "I can't tell you in exact detail, but I just really want you to stay away from him. Just do this for me, Carter."

Carter chewed the inside of his cheek and clenched his fists a bit. "...No," he said after a moment. "No. I can't agree to anything I don't understand." Carter turned to Josh and looked him into his eyes. "Ever since I got back here, the confusions have been piling up inside my head. Our very first conversation since I came back left me with so much questions and confusion. I want some answers now. You're supposed to be my best friend, Josh. I don't understand what happened in those five years that changed so much, but I want to know. I thought that after... everything, you'd at least tell me."

Josh looked away again and softly shook his head. "I can't," he said. "I can't tell you. I changed, Carter, I know that very well. I am not changing back to my old self. I just can't, alright?"

"And what if I make you change back?"

Josh glanced back at Carter again, looking a bit surprised. "What do you mean?"

"Exactly as how I said it," Carter said. "I don't like this. I don't like it that you're hiding yourself and that you're forcing yourself to change. That's not who you are. I refuse to let you be something you are not."

"Carter you can't."

"Yes I can," Carter spoke a little loudly. "You know like no one else that if I put my mind to something, I will make it happen. You know that, Josh. You know what you meant to me, what you still mean to me. If you just invited me over to talk about how you changed without giving me the answers I want to, I might as well just leave because you can't change my mind."

Carter really wanted to know what was going on, and not knowing was slowly driving him crazy. It hurt him to see Josh like this, and if he wasn't going to give him the answers he wanted, then he'd find out himself. He looked at Josh for a moment, not sure if he should expect an answer. His patience was spent and he raised to his feet, realizing that it had no use. He walked back to the ladder before his wrist was suddenly grabbed.

"Carter, wait!" he head Josh behind him. "I don't want you to hate me."

"Then what do you want me to do?!" Carter spoke and abruptly turned around. "Do you really expect me to sit around, accepting all this... this nonsense? Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I won't. I promised you, remember? I promised you that I'd never let you lose sight of yourself. And that if you ever did, I'd help you to find it again."

"That was five years ago, Carter!" Josh said loudly.

"I don't care how many years ago it has been. A promise is a promise."

Carter looked up at Josh as silence fell, trying to read his expression again but saw so many emotions at the same time. Josh softly shook his head and looked away.

"I don't get it. Why are you willing to go so far for me? Even after five years?"

Something inside Carter snapped and he clenched his fists. "Do you want me to spell it out for you?!" he spoke. "It's because I'm in love with you!"

Josh's eyes went wider and he looked back at Carter speechlessly. "...Still?"

"Yes, still! You were very well aware of my feelings. Even after five years, they did not change. I thought they would, but they didn't," Carter said. He tensed his jaw. "I don't think your feelings had gone away either. I know you, Josh. What you did in Chris' car showed it."

Josh didn't answer. He only stared at Carter with parted lips, wanting to say something but he couldn't find the words. "Carter, I..." He couldn't finish his sentence, and Carter saw tears filling his eyes.

He looked back at Josh, no words spoken and now he could finally read his facial expression; sadness. Sadness, and the same time, there was a hint of fear. One of Josh's hands suddenly reached out and his fingertips went over Carter's arm, slowly sliding up. Carter's eyes briefly followed his hand before they went back up to Josh's eyes, suddenly realizing he was a lot closer. He heard his steady heartbeat in his chest, eyes fixated on the blue ones above him as they slowly got closer and closer. His sight lowered to Josh's rosebud lips, staring at them and slowly feeling drawn towards them. He had never wanted to kiss Josh this badly. The warm hand went from his upper arm to his neck and he felt the skin on his neck heating up, immediately reacting to the gentle touch. Carter's eyelids went heavier and now also felt himself moving closer to the other, their mouths now only inches away from each other.

Then, three loud knocks shot them out of their daze and their eyes shot open again.

"Josh! It's me!" Alyssa's voice was heard from outside. "Open up, I brought you something!"

Josh looked at Carter for a moment before stepping away from him. "...I'm coming!" he said before walking to the ladder to open the hatch. Carter still stood there frozen to his spot, staring at nothing in front of him as he tried to recall what had just happened.

"Carter..? I didn't know you were here," Alyssa said when she had gotten down.

Carter turned to her, shaking himself out of his daze. "Ah, yeah... I was just leaving actually," he spoke softly.

Alyssa turned to Josh and wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing a kiss to his lips and Carter bit his lip at the sight, having to look away.

"Right, sorry. I'll see you guys around," he said and walked up to the ladder.

"See you tomorrow," Alyssa smiled at him, still having her arms wrapped around Josh and went to hug him.

Before Carter climbed up, he exchanged one last look with Josh, who had his arms wrapped around Alyssa's waist but looked at Carter with the same sadness in his eyes. Carter looked at him like that for a moment, the feeling of hurt projecting through his eyes,  before he turned away to climb up.