Chapter 14

6 years ago

4 weeks before

The dunes were quieter and sometimes even cozier than the beach. If Carter and his friends wanted to be alone, without being bothered by the other people visiting the beach, they'd always sit in the dunes between the plants which peacefully swayed in the wind.

Carter had been absent minded ever since his parents delivered the news that they were going to move to Minnesota when his school year. He looked at Josh who was laughing about something Paxton had said and he almost had the urge to cry again. He thought back of the time that he had promised Josh he'd never leave him, and now knowing that he had no other choice, he felt so awful about it. He knew he'd hurt him as soon as he broke down the news. He didn't want to hurt Josh. He didn't ever want to hurt him. He wanted him to smile that beautiful, playful smile of his and to be careless and happy. But he knew he had to tell him. He had to tell everyone.

"Carter... Carter?" He was shot out of his daze by Alyssa's voice next to him. "Something wrong? You're so absent minded," she asked with a concerned voice.

Carter gave a quick glance at Josh. "I'm fine," he said, sitting up. He inhaled deeply and looked at the sand they were sitting on, drawing patterns with his finger. "Actually... there is something I need to tell you guys," he said.

It got quiet in the circle they were laying in and Carter knew he had now made the situation dramatically serious. He gave a sigh and retreated his finger. "About two weeks ago, my parents told me that my father got placed to a different office because of his promotion," he began.

"Oh right, you told us about that promotion," Chris said. "So? Does that mean you guys are going to be filthy rich now?" he asked with a small chuckle.

Carter knew he meant to be funny, but he couldn't laugh about it. "No, not exactly," he said. Sure, his father would be earning more money now, but they'd never become filthy rich. Carter cleared his throat and shifted up a little more, feeling uncomfortable talking about it, but he knew he had to. "Because of the promotion he... my father has to get transferred to an office in Minneapolis, Minnesota," he said. "In other words... We'll be transferred to Minneapolis, Minnesota."

Carter kept looking at the grass, too afraid to look up to see the faces of his friends, especially Josh's. There was silence for a moment before Chris was the first one to speak.

"You're saying, you're moving away? You're serious?!" he said.

Carter nodded his head and bit his lip. "Yeah, that's what I'm saying," he said. "After the school year is finished, I'll move to Minnesota."

"But that's next month!" Alyssa said aghast. "You're moving away next month?!"

Carter nodded his head again, his body tense. "Yeah... next month. June 14th, to be exact. They already bought a house and we're already busy packing everything up."

He slowly lifted his eyes to look at Josh. He wasn't looking back at him. Instead, he looked, wide eyed, at the small open space in the middle of the circle. Carter could tell that he was shocked, surprised and he could also see a hint of sadness mixed in between.

"So it's definite? You're really moving away? For good?" Melanie asked.

"I think so... There are no plans made for returning, so I'm not sure how long we're going to stay there."

"But, Minnesota is at the other side of the country! Does that mean we'll never see you again after next month?" Paxton asked.

Carter bit his lip and shook his head, feeling tears coming up. "I... I don't know. I really don't know. I'm sorry."

Josh then suddenly raised to his feet and walked away, not speaking a word. Carter looked up at him and he could practically feel his heart sinking to his stomach. "Josh?!" he called out, also standing up. "Josh!"

Josh started to run away from the dunes, back up the hill to the village. Carter could feel himself crying again and wanted to run after him, but his body was weak from all the tension and he couldn't bring himself to run. When Josh was out of sight, he turned to the rest of his friends again. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm so sorry..."

Now

This was the first time he had said that Josh was gay out loud, Carter then realized. He hadn't even ever said that he himself was gay out loud. Though for some reason, it felt surprisingly satisfying. He looked to his side to see Alyssa's reaction, and saw her staring at him in disbelief, with a black smudge of her leaked mascara underneath her eyes.

"What?!" she exclaimed and raised to her feet. "My boyfriend is not gay!"

Carter also stood up and looked at Alyssa, having expected a reaction like this. "Alyssa, Josh is forcing himself to like you. I don't know why, but he is. He doesn't like girls. I've know this for five years now. He told me, Alyssa. I'm sorry, but it's the truth." Carter looked at Alyssa carefully, knowing that she wasn't going to like this at all. "I've been wanting to tell you ever since you told me about you and Josh, but I didn't want to hurt you."

Alyssa just looked at him speechlessly, her lips moving, but no words were spoken until she wiped her tears away again. "No... no! That is ridiculous!" she said. "You're.... you're delusional! Yes, that's it! You think Josh was in love with you because he spent so much time with you when we were younger. Just because he was really close to you doesn't mean that he's in love with you!"

"Alyssa, you don't understand. The day I moved away he-"

"Yes I do understand! Gosh, Carter, did you even grow up?!" Alyssa almost yelled. "You were gone for five years. Five years!. You can't just come back after being gone for five whole years, and expect that nothing has changed! As if time stood still here. It didn't. Things happened and you weren't there. I changed, Chris changed, Melanie changed, Pax changed, and especially Josh changed! And you don't even know why because you were too busy being a city boy in the middle of the country!"

"Of course I know that!" Carter now also yelled. "Of course I know that things happened when I was gone! And I feel really bad about it. So I'm trying to make things right again. To rekindle the friendships and to make it just like how we used to be."

"We will never be the people we used to be, Carter. When you left we were thirteen. We're eighteen now!"

Carter tensed his jaw and also felt tears coming up as well, though he quickly blinked them away. He hated this. He hated fighting with Alyssa and hearing such horrible things that only brought up more even more guilt than he already had.

"Do you really want to know why Josh changed so much?" Alyssa continued. "It's because after his mother died, his father became so fucking miserable, that he turned to drinking and has been taking out his anger on Josh! He needed you during that time, and you weren't there. But I was. I helped him. I made him feel better. I made an emotional bond with him while you were gone. So don't you dare tell me that I don't understand what's going on here, when you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about!" Alyssa stepped away, wiping more of her tears away and hurried away into the street.

"Alyssa, wait!" Carter called out, but Alyssa only yelled back that he should go fuck himself. He breathed heavily at the sudden emotional outburst and angrily kicked the side of the porch before sitting back down on it, hanging his head and staring at the stone of the pavement underneath his shoes.

Maybe he should just let go of Josh, and let him be whatever he wanted to be. Though the very thought of never being close to Josh again, and that their friendship had really come to an end, devastated him. It made him want to scream and run away from everything.

Why did he had to move? Why couldn't he have stayed with Josh? Why does everything hurt so bad? Everything would have been so much easier if he didn't harbour all those feelings for Josh. He had always thought love would be a wonderful thing. That it would make you happy and make you feel complete. Though right now, the only thing he felt was emptiness and loneliness. He didn't want all this drama. He just wanted to make things right again, and be with his old friends again. Though he also knew that Alyssa was right; times had changed and they were not going to change back. No matter how much he tried and no matter how much he wanted it to.

He knew he had two options. He could either change along and go with the flow, letting Josh be whoever he wanted to be and accept everything as it was right now, or he could try to discover what he had exactly missed and try to make up for his years of absence, including helping Josh to be himself again. He had learned about situations like these before, where the choices you make could completely change each and every outcome of the future. The Butterfly Effect, it was called. The choices he made would determine how time would flow, and how everyone would react. The outcome would always be unknown, and would only become clear when it arrived.

Carter had made his choice. He had made it a long time ago, and could only hope that it was the right one.

He knew what he had to do right now. He knew he probably should have done this years ago, but he had always been too afraid. Carter got up from the porch before walking back inside, closing the door behind him. He had calmed down again but as he walked towards the living room where he heard his mother watching television, he felt his heart rate increase.

"Mom?" he asked, standing in the door opening of the living room. "Do you have a moment?"

Carter's mother looked up before turning the television off. "Of course, honey," she said. "What is it?" She got up from the couch to walk closer to her son, looking at him with that familiar concerned look that Carter knew all too well.

"Mom," he said before taking a deep breath, "I'm gay..." Maybe this was his way of taking action, or maybe he simply didn't care anymore. Either way, he had to do this sooner or later. So he was doing it right now. "And, I've been in love with Josh for a very long time now."

Carter looked at his mother, trying to read her expression, though she didn't appear to be shocked or disgusted. Instead, she walked up to him and pulled him in for a hug. Her answer surprised him.

"...I know," she said.

Carter frowned and pulled away from his mother. "Wait, you know?"

His mother nodded her head. "I've known for a long time now. Ever since your aunt's wedding," she said.

Carter blinked, trying to think back of that time.

"When you were asked if there was anyone you wanted to marry, you answered with Josh. And you were very curious about what being gay meant, and why it was a bad thing. I think that was the moment I knew that you were, or would be into boys. You never looked at girls the way you looked at Josh. When I saw you two together, I saw the look of love in your eyes. Something I never saw when you were around girls." Mrs. Raymore put a hand on Carter's cheek and gently wiped away a tear that came rolling down. "Honey, I love you. Nothing could ever change that. It doesn't matter for me who you love, as long as you are happy. That is all I care about," she said.

Carter felt his eyes starting to water, wrapping his arms around her waist to hold her close. Those were the words he always wanted to hear, and was too afraid he'd never hear. Being accepted by the people he cared mostly about in the entire world was all he ever wanted since he first started to realize that he was gay. Because of course, when he first began to notice that he was more attracted to men, his first thought was "What would my parents think?"

What would they think, knowing that their son was one big apparent sin, and that he would never be able to introduce them to a pretty girl he'd call his girlfriend, and later his fiancé, and later his wife, and to never be able to give them grandchildren with their genetics.

Carter squeezed his eyes close as he buried his face in the crook of his mother's neck. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry I can't be the son you want me to be. I'm really am sorry."

Mrs. Raymore looked at her son. "Carter, you don't have to be sorry for anything. I'm proud of you, okay? I'm proud that you're able to be yourself, and that you're honest with me. Did you know that it's the one of the nightmares of every parent that their child is living a double life they know nothing about? I don't care that you're gay. I want you to be happy, and to be yourself."

Carter smiled at his mother's words, and maybe he could now say that for the first time in his life, he was crying of happiness. He wiped his tears away from the back of his hand and took a deep breath in. "Dad also has to know," he said. He was still scared of what his father would say about it, but knowing that his at least his mother supported him, was already good enough for him.