Chapter 18

5 years ago

That day

The movers had just carried Carter's bed out of his room and he watched them from the stairs. The house was entirely empty right now and everything started to feel more and more surreal, as if time was going slower and he was watching down from another realm. Josh was still upstairs and he wasn't sure what he was doing, but he couldn't bare to see the look on his face right now. Though he had to say his goodbye to him right now. As much as he didn't want to, he had to.

He got up from the stairs and walked back to his room. There, he saw Josh standing in front of his bedroom window, looking outside at the backyard.

"Hey," Carter said. "We're leaving in a bit."

Josh turned around to face Carter, and he could see that he looked troubled and sad. Which was only logical.

"Carter," Josh said and swallowed. "There's something I need to tell you."

Carter frowned a little and walked closer. "I also need to tell you something, honestly," he said. "But you can go first."

Josh looked away and rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't want you to think strange things of me, Carter," he said. "But if I don't tell you now, then you'll never know. And I don't want to keep thinking "what if" for the rest of my life."

Carter was now curious about what Josh had to tell him. His cheeks had a rosy color and went to stand next to the other. "Josh, nothing would ever make me think strange things of you, you know that."

Josh's eyes met with Carter's and he took a deep breath. "I'll just say it quickly and get over with it," he said. He closed his eyes and hung his head a little. "Carter... I like you."

The words Josh spoke forze Carter to his spot, but at the same time confused him. "You... like me?" he asked softly. "In what way?"

Josh opened his eyes again but didn't look up at Carter. "In a way that I shouldn't," he said. "I like you as more than friends. I've had the stupidest crush on you for the past year now and I know I shouldn't feel these things but I do. I honestly don't think I'll ever like girls the way I'm supposed to like them. You probably think it's strange, but if I don't tell you this right now I never will."

Carter could only stare at Josh and wonder if this really was reality. Did those words really just come from him? Did Josh really feel the same way about him? Carter saw how embarrassed Josh appeared to be and couldn't help but smile, yet at the same time feel sad.

He wasn't sure how to express his feelings through words. Right now, all he wanted to do was show Josh that he wasn't strange, and that he felt the same way as he did. Carter placed a hand on the other's shoulder and leaned in to kiss him softly on his lips. Josh stepped back in surprise and looked at him with wide eyes.

"Sorry," Carter said. "I feel the same way about you...." Even though it was brief, he could still feel the ghost of Josh's lips against his own and for him, that was enough.

"You feel the same way?" Josh said, a smile forming his lips. His cheeks had gotten redder and he appeared to be a little embarrassed. "... I was scared that you'd think I was strange," he said with a relieved sigh.

Carter looked at the other. So Josh liked him back all this time? When Josh said he had a crush on someone during the sleepover, he was talking about him? Knowing this, Carter thought back of all the times they had spent together. All the things they had done together and the secrets they had shared. And all this time, Josh had felt the same way as him.

Josh grabbed Carter's hand and felt how warm his skin was. The two boys looked at each other and Carter almost wanted to give him another kiss. This boy, right in front of him, was the boy that had made Carter's life so much better. He couldn't even begin to imagine what his life would have been without him. He was his best friend, and so much more. Josh leaned in and Carter made himself ready to be kissed, closing his eyes and waiting to feel his lips against his own. But that was until his mother called from downstairs.

"Carter! We need to leave!" Mrs. Raymore called out.

Carter opened his eyes and looked at the door opening. Suddenly felt tears coming up again, knowing that he was now forced to leave Josh behind. "...I'm coming!" He looked at Josh again and could see that he also looked as if he was on the verge of tears.

Josh looked up at Carter and gave him a sad, yet brave smile. Their fingers laced together and they walked out of Carter's bedroom and down the stairs. Once outside the house, the car was parked on the road to drive away to the airport. Carter and Josh walked towards the vehicle together in a slow pace. A tear went down Carter's cheek as he realized that he was really leaving Port Hayland for good now.

"Carter," Josh said. "You won't be gone forever, right?" he asked. "When you come back, look for me. When you come back, we can be together, okay?"

Carter nodded his head and bit his lip, trying to blink his tears away. When they were in front of the car, Carter looked at Josh for a moment before they slowly let go of each other's hand. "I'll come back for you," he said. "I'll miss you so much." He got inside the car and settled on the back seat, looking out of the window to see Josh behind him.

The car took off and slowly started to drive away. Josh started to walk as well and followed the car. His walk turned into jogging, and his jogging turned into running. Carter looked at Josh as he ran after the car, his blonde hair bouncing up and down as he left. He kept watching Josh, who followed the car down the road, before they got too far away and he stopped in his tracks. They looked at each other for the last time in five years as Josh stood still in the middle of the road.

Josh watched the car turn, making it out of sight for the blonde boy as he stood there alone.

"Don't leave me..." he whispered before a tear rolled down his cheek.

Now

Almost an hour had passed and Josh still hadn't returned. Carter was starting to get worried and kept trying to think about what could have happened and who could have called that caused Josh to leave so suddenly. With Josh's half full beer bottle in his hand, Carter was still sitting on the couch. His friend were getting more drinks from the kitchen and were probably lost in conversation with someone he didn't know.

With a sigh, he took a sip of the beer and licked his lips. Even though he had already drank an entire bottle of it, he still couldn't get used to the taste of beer. It was drinkable, but it wasn't something he exactly liked drinking a lot of.

It was then that someone came to sit next to him. When Carter looked at the girl's face, he recognized Sasha, the girl Alyssa had introduced him to.

"Hi," she smiled. "You looked a bit lonely so I thought I'd join you."

Carter returned her smile with a small one and stared at the beer bottle. "No, I'm not lonely. Just a little lost in thought," he replied.

"Well, thoughts are there to be shared," Sasha said and shifted a bit closer to him. Carter wasn't exactly very comfortable with someone he barely knew getting so close to him, but he knew she meant well. She was most likely drunk also.

"It's... really complicated. I can't really explain it," Carter said, just wanting to be left alone. He was worried about Josh and actually just wanted to look for him. He didn't want to get it on with a girl he wasn't attracted to anyway. She probably wasn't even interested in him that much.

"Hm? Well, I like complicated," Sasha said, leaning against him. "You know, Casper, you have a really cute face. It's almost a bit girly..."

"It's Carter," he said and with that, he got up from the couch and walked away. He didn't want to seem rude, but he wasn't in the mood to be wooed by a drunk girl.

The air inside was starting to get stuffy and Carter needed to get some that was fresh. The loud, electric music was starting to give him a headache and the alcohol was not making it any better at all. Once he was outside, he sighed in relief and took a deep breath. He leaned against one of the pillars of the porch and closed his eyes, feeling his headache slowly decreasing. He figured it was already somewhere around midnight. The crickets were chirping loudly and Carter realized that he actually had never taken his time to listen to them ever since he had moved back. He had fallen asleep to this very sound countless of times.

When he had calmed down completely, he opened his eyes again and looked out at the sea, which instead of in the sunlight, was now sparkling in the moonlight. He always thought the ocean at night had something mysterious yet magical.

Carter's eyes then traveled to the docks, and he saw the boats peacefully floating on the water whilst being tied to the wood. Though as he looked closer, he then saw something sitting at the end of one of the docks. Carter narrowed his eyes and walked off the porch to get a closer and better view.

He could then see that it was a boy sitting there, all alone, looking out at the sea. It didn't take him long before he realized who it was. He gave a quick glance back at Alyssa's house. His jacket and phone were still inside but he couldn't get back inside again. So he walked away from the house, to the street and off the hill. Something was going on with Josh, he could clearly tell. He needed to know what was going on.

He walked down the hill, leading towards the shore, in a hurried pace. As he went, he thought back at what Alyssa had told him, that there was more going on than she thought she had solved. Though maybe she wasn't entirely right. Maybe she hadn't solved anything, and his problems were only piling up more and more. If that was the case, then maybe Josh wasn't doing better at all. Maybe it was only getting worse but he got better at hiding it.

Carter's breaths got heavier the more he got closer to the shore. When he could see the docks again, he saw Josh still sitting there and walked up to him. "Josh!" he called out once he walked over the wooden surface.

Josh gave a quick glance behind him before he turned back towards the ocean. "Carter, go away," he said. "It's not a good idea to talk right now."

Carter caught his breath and walked closer to him until he stopped right behind him. "Why?" he asked. "Why are you not telling me anything? Or anyone? I feel like you've been hiding away your problems and fears ever since I moved away. What has been going on with you, Josh? Talk to me."

Josh raised to his feet but still faced the ocean. "Carter I can't tell. Go away."

Carter tensed his jaw and looked at the back of Josh's head. "No. I won't go away. I've been away from you for too long and now I refuse to. Tell me what is going on with you, Josh! I'm right here. I won't leave now. It's just me, the same me from five years ago. The same me you had fallen in love with. The same me who you could share your deepest secret with!" When Josh didn't respond, Carter walked closer to him and grabbed him by his shoulders to turn him around. "Josh, just look at me!"

When Josh was turned around, and Carter could see his face, his eyes widened and his lips parted in shock.

Josh's right eye was bruised and swollen. Both his eye whites were red from crying and he looked absolutely miserable. Carter was lost for words and gazed up at him.

"Josh..." he said softly, almost not believing how horrible he looked compared to an hour ago. "What happened?"

Josh looked down, and Carter saw his entire body tensing up. "Just..." he took a deep breath and shook his head. "I really can't tell you."

Carter didn't know what to do that could stop Josh from hiding himself. The bruise wasn't there an hour ago, when they were at the party. He thought back of the phone call and how suddenly Josh's mood completely changed. The words of his friends also echoed through his head; the words about Josh's father. He saw Josh's bruised cheek from years ago again, and how his father yelled at that barbeque party when they were younger. Carter swallowed and everything started to fall into place. "Josh..." he said. "Does your father abuse you?"

Josh's eyes shot up and they looked at Carter's. His eyes started to water again as he stood there in silence. Then, he pushed past Carter and stepped away from the edge of the docks. "Just, shut up! You don't know anything, alright?"

"So it's true," Carter said. "He does abuse you?"

"No! Shut up! You have no idea what you're talking about!" Josh yelled and he turned to Carter again. "You have no idea! You weren't there!"

Carter clenched his fists. "That's right, I wasn't there. But I'm here now! I'm right here, right now, and I'm not leaving you again!" he spoke. "I want you to stop hiding yourself! Stop making yourself suffer and tell me what is going on with you. I want to help you!"

"You can't help me!" Josh said and he got closer to Carter. "You can't, so stop this bullshit. Just go away again, move away and don't come back! That's... that's just the best."

"What?! How can you say that? You know that's not the best! I'm not going to leave you! No matter how much you try to push me away, I'll push myself right through again. So just stop-"

Carter wanted to take a step back, but the wooden surface stopped at the heel of his foot and he stepped into thin air. He let out a yelp when his balance got lost and tried to hold onto something before he could fall, but there was nothing in his reach. Carter gasped as he fell back until he landed in the water.

The sudden, stinging cold shot all the air from his body due the shock, and his muscles got paralyzed. He couldn't see anything. The water during the night was almost as if you were drifting through the void. The surface got farther away and Carter couldn't breathe nor move. He wanted to scream, but no sound could be produced in the water. A muffled splash was then heard from above him and there was just enough visible for Carter to see hundreds of tiny bubbles from above him. A last bubble of air came from between his lips and he felt himself drowning down further.

Then, something grabbed his arms and he felt something solid behind him and push him back up. Within seconds, the his head was above the surface again and he gasped for air, as well as coughing the water out of his mouth. He heard the breathing and coughing behind him as well and he got pushed towards the docks.

"Climb up!" he heard Josh's voice.

Carter grabbed the wood of the dock and pulled himself back up. His entire body was shaking because of the cold and the shock, and he was still coughing the water from his body. "Josh..." he spoke when the other had also climbed up. He was cold and soaked, and his entire body was numb.

"Get in the boat," Josh said and he got up, helping Carter raise to his feet as well and he held him as they climbed onto the boat. Carter leaned onto Josh, still coughing, and let him get him inside. Josh closed the hatch above him and wiped his wet hair from his face. "Jesus fuck," he groaned.

It was warmer in the boat and Carter looked up at Josh, who turned to him and suddenly looked very angry.

"You idiot! Why did you do that?!" he exclaimed. "You could have died! How can you be so reckless?!"

Carter had stopped trembling. He didn't understand why Josh had suddenly gotten so angry at him. He pushed his hair out of his face and gazed at the other. "Josh, I'm fine."

"No you're not fine! You could have died, for fuck's sake! Do you... Do you have any idea what..." Josh grabbed Carter's shoulders and looked down at him, and Carter could swear that his cheeks weren't just wet from the water.

"Josh, I-"

"Why did you leave me?!" Josh then said, his voice sounded broken and his eyes left Carter's. "Why did you leave? I was so lonely. I needed you, Carter! It was such a hell without you. I thought that after five fucking years, I would have forgotten about you and that I could be normal and happy. Why... Why do I still feel everything?!"

Carter put one hand over the hand that was on his shoulder and tried to make Josh look at him. "Josh, calm down. What are you talking about?" he asked. "Why are you so angry?"

Josh's teary eyes then met with Carter's and he pushed him against the wall. "It's because I love you!"

Carter's eyes grew wider at his words. For the very first time, Josh looked so vulnerable. He was trembling and Carter had never seen an expression like this. Full of anger, sadness, fear and desperation. "Josh..." Carter slowly reached up and his fingertips stroke over the bruised eye. He was still there. His feelings had never left, and he still felt the same about Carter even after five years.

Then, Josh stepped in and pressed their lips together. Carter was pressed up against the wall and felt Josh's warm lips against his own. His arms flew around his neck and pressed him closer against him. Even with how cold the water had made him, Carter felt his entire body flaring up when Josh's strong body was against his own. The other's arms wrapped around Carter's waist and he could feel his heartbeat through his shirt. Carter parted his lips to let Josh's tongue enter and it warmed up his entire face. The way Josh's tongue slid against his own had him letting out a small noise and he felt himself completely drowning in the kiss. Josh's lips were soft and warm, and his body was big and firm. How long had Carter dreamed about this moment? How long had he wondered what it would feel like to have Josh's lips on his own again after five long years?

Carter's hands left Josh's neck and went down to feel under his shirt. He knew he probably shouldn't be so eager straight away, but he wanted to know what his body felt like. He wanted to feel his skin against his own and to be surrounded by his heat.

Josh let go of Carter and grabbed the hem of his shirt before pulling it off. Carter opened his eyes to see Josh's bare torso and he had to admit that the other looked almost breathtaking. His shoulders were broad and Carter's hands almost instantly felt up his upper body. His skin was as smooth as Carter had thought it would be, but it had also just enough roughness that made Carter want to feel more of it.

Josh's hands carefully unbuttoned Carter's shirt. Once it was off, Carter let it drop onto the floor and wrapped his arms around the other's neck again. Despite just having been in the water, his skin felt so warm and Carter only wanted to feel more of it.

Josh's picked the shorter male up by his thighs and Carter wrapped his legs around his waist, mouths still pressed together. He felt Josh walking underneath him and a door was opened. Carter briefly opened his eyes when he felt that he was being lowered and felt the mattress of a bed under his beck a few seconds later.

Their shoes were kicked off and he felt Josh's weight on top of him. The bed sheets were soft and Carter felt himself being drowned in Josh's heat and scent. He briefly pulled away to look into Josh's beautiful blue eyes, which looked back at him in the most gentle, lovingly way.

"I love you too," he spoke softly before pressing their lips together again.