Chapter 19

5 years ago

1 day after

Josh had stayed in his bed the entire morning. Yesterday, he had spent the rest of the day with Alyssa after Carter left. She comforted him, but it still wasn't enough. He was going to miss Carter so much. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to be happy or sad that he finally got to tell Carter about his true feelings on the day that he moved away.

It had always been Carter. From the day they met, Josh knew that that boy was going to be special to him. He had just never expected that he'd actually fall in love with him. When he was going through difficult times, Carter was there for him, and never failed to make him happy again and to make him forget about everything.

He had already known for a long time that he wasn't into girls. He even wasn't sure what gave it away. He just always knew. It was something that had always been there, even though he knew it shouldn't. And Carter was the one who made him really realize that. The moment he realized he was in love with Carter, was the moment he realized that he'd never be able to fall in love with girls.

Josh looked at the glass butterfly figurine that was safely placed on his nightstand. Looking at it, he saw Carter's face again when he had given it to him. Even though it wasn't much, it did help.

He heard footsteps coming up the stairs and knew that it was his father, wondering how much alcohol he had drank now. Josh sat up when his father entered the room and as always, his hair was messy and his beard unshaven.

"Hey Joshua," Mr. Marson said. "Get out of bed. You've been in there for long enough."

Josh gave a sigh and sat up in his bed. His father knew about Carter having left, though still expected him to get out of bed in the morning. He looked at his father walking down the hall. He had been wanting to tell him about his secret for a long time now, but had always been too afraid of how he would react to it. Though now that Carter had left, he needed someone. He wanted to be able to talk about it with someone. He was his father after all, and wanted him to know.

"Dad," Josh called out. "Can you come here for a second? There's something I need to tell you," he said.

Mr. Marson turned to look at his son before he walked back to his room. "Yeah?" he asked. "What is it?"

Josh looked up at his father. It was terrifying to tell him, but he really wanted him to know. He was the only family he had left, after all.

"There's something that I have noticed for a while now," Josh started. He took a deep breath and looked at the flooring of his bedroom. "I'm... gay, dad. And I'm in love with Carter."

It felt good to have said it. Really good. He felt proud at himself for saying it and hoped that his father thought the same. His eyes flickered up to see what his father had to say, but as soon as he looked up, his father's palm hit Josh's cheek and he was shot against the mattress of his bed.

His eyes were wide from the unexpected blow and he sat up to see his father rushing towards him with the most angry and terrifying expression he had ever seen.

"What the fuck did you just say?!" Mr. Marson yelled. "My son is not a fag! Come here!"

Josh crawled back on his bed in fear when his father tried to grab his wrists. "Dad! Stop it!" he whimpered. He got thrown off the bed and hit the flooring with his shoulder, letting out a painful groan at the impact. "Dad!"

"How fucking dare you say such things to me! You are not a fag, you hear me?!" A shoe found it's way in Josh's stomach and all the air got kicked out of his lungs, not being able to produce a single sound. Mr. Marson sat down on his knees and punched his son on his cheek, causing a Josh to wail.

Josh felt a burning pain going through his entire body as his arm was kicked as well. "Stop!" he cried out, feeling as if his bones were on fire. "Please stop...!"

Mr. Marson looked at his son with fury in his eyes. "Listen to me, you are not a homosexual, you hear?! If I find out that you're ever committing a sin like that...I will fucking kill you. You hear that? I will fucking kill you!" he spoke. "And if I ever see that Raymore kid again, I will kill him a well. I will fucking burn him, and rip his intestines out if he ever shows his face here again."

Josh's eyes followed him when he walked up to his nightstand and took the glass butterfly. As soon as he held it up, Josh realized what he was going to do. "No! Don't!"

Mr. Marson threw the butterfly onto the floor and it burst out in hundreds of small shards.

Josh stared at the shards while his father walked out of the room. His entire body trembling of fear and burning with pain.

Now

Josh's warmth surrounded Carter and he felt himself getting more and more lost each time the other moved. His nails dragged over the skin of his back and he felt Josh's lips all over his skin. He had taken the cold away, and replaced it with the most pleasurable warmth he had ever felt. There was something about the way he breathed, how he kissed Carter and how he held him so gently yet firmly.

Each time he had thought about doing something like this, he had always imagined it to be awkward, painful and embarrassing. But this was nothing like he had expected it to be. This came natural, and was exactly the way it was supposed to be.

Carter's lips were swollen from kissing, but that didn't keep him from continuing to do so. The way Josh breathed out his name sent tingled throughout his entire body and he wanted this moment to never end, to always feel Josh's skin on his own like this, and to always be warm and safe in his arms.

He loved him. He loved so much even after five years of being apart. During his time in Minnesota, he had tried to get Josh out of his mind and go out with other people as well, but the blond had never left his dreams, and now that he was right here in his arms, becoming one with him, he realized that this was all he ever wanted.

Everything was almost like a blur to Carter, yet he took in everything so clearly and knew he'd never forget this moment for the rest of his life.

When morning came, Carter was woken up with the same warmth still around him. Strong arms held him close against the chest of the still sleeping blond, and Carter had never felt so at peace when waking up. His eyes fluttered open and it took him a moment to realize where he was again, and what happened. Though feeling the other's breath against the back of his neck, and moving his hand to place it over the one that was right in front of him, everything came back to him. The feelings, the warmth, the pleasure and the love.

Carter wondered what time it was and could see the sun shining through the porthole window and seen how high the sun already was, it was either late in the morning or just past noon. He sat up a little and wanted to carefully get out of the bed, but the arms that held him pushed him down again and his back was pressed against Josh's chest.

"Don't leave," Josh's sleepy voice was heard.

"I wasn't going to," Carter said. "I just wanted to check the time."

Josh let out a soft hum and Carter could feel him nuzzling his neck. "It's somewhere around 11 AM."

"How do you know?"

"I just do."

Carter let out a soft huff and just assumed that it didn't hurt not knowing the time now and then. Carter grabbed Josh's hand which was on his upper arm and brought it to his mouth to press a kiss to it. He then shifted to turn around until he was facing the other. His eye was still bruised and swollen, and Carter gently brushed his fingertips over the sensitive area. In the light it was visible how purple it had already gotten and it pained Carter to see him like that, thinking about how it must've hurt to get it.

Carter retreated his hand and stared into Josh's eyes. "...What happened?"

Josh's eyes closed again and he inhaled deeply. "My dad happened."

Carter recalled all the times Josh had bruises on his body and face, and how he had the same excuse for it over and over again. He started to feel guilty for not having noticed it before. Maybe if he had, the problem could have been solved a long time ago, and Josh wouldn't have been so unhappy for the past five years.

He leaned in and pressed a kiss to Josh's lips. "I'm sorry," he said, "for not having noticed earlier. And for leaving you when you needed me. I'm really sorry."

Josh's eyes opened and they met with Carter's. Carter didn't think he'd ever get tired from looking into his eyes. They were blue, like the early morning sky during a warm summer day, and they still had the same playful look he had when he was younger. That same playful look that had gotten Carter weak to his knees.

"Look, it doesn't matter anymore," Josh said. "I'm done with worrying about happened or what was said in the past. What matters is what happens now, and where we go from here."

Carter knew Josh was right. Where do they go from here? They were in love with each other and they were both guys. Should they tell their friends? Should they keep it a secret? Carter was a little scared about what his friends would think. He was afraid that they'd disapprove and that they wouldn't want to be around them anymore.

Being gay was still a considered taboo.

"Josh," Carter said. "Something needs to be done about your father. It can't continue like this."

Josh grabbed one of Carter' hands and laced their fingers together, rubbing his thumb over Carter's. "It won't," he said. "I'm leaving after graduation. I want to travel, and go to placed I've never been before. I've never been outside this state."

"You want to leave?" Carter said. "...But what about college?"

"I can do that after traveling. It'll be a gap year." Josh's eyes flickered up to Carter's. "What do you want to do, then?"

Carter bit his lip and stared at their hands. "I don't know," he said. "But I don't want to be separated again. I want to make up for my years of absence and help you be happy again. That's what I want."

Josh's lips formed a smile, and he pressed a kiss to Carter's nose. "Well, there's still enough time to think about it, right?"

Carter nodded and returned the smile. "There is."

He looked at Josh's bruised eye again and couldn't help but feel worried about it. Even though Josh would be leaving, graduation was still far away. He wanted to help him now, and to stop his suffering as soon as possible. Though he had no idea how, or what he could do that would make Josh as happy as possible again.