Chapter 20

Now.

"So after my mother's death, my father turned to drinking," Josh said as he placed the cup of tea on the table before sitting down as well next to Carter.

Carter wrapped his hands around the steaming cup, heating up his fingers as he listened to the other explain his situation.

"Besides the drinking, he also became more strict regarding his religion. Often visiting the church and praying before sleeping. He told me that God was the only person who could never leave or disappoint you," the blond continued and also took a sip of his tea. "I never understood why he suddenly became that way. I had never been the religious type and neither had he. But since then, he also started to become aggressive if I didn't listen to him or if I did something that was considered a sin. Such as homosexuality." Josh took a deep breath and leaned back against the bench. "When I came out to him the day after you left, and told him that I was in love with you... he became furious." Josh paused for a moment before he could continue, watching the steam of the tea floating up into thin air. "He began beating me and told me that I couldn't commit a sin like that, and that if I would continue to do so... he'd kill me."

Carter's eyes went wider upon hearing Josh's words. "Kill you?! But he's your father. He wouldn't do that, right?"

"That's what I wanted to believe as well. But at that moment, I was really scared. Frankly, I was terrified. I still am," Josh replied. "He said he'd kill you as well if he saw you again. I was more afraid of him hurting you than him hurting me, honestly. He had threatened and hit me before, so I take everything he says seriously. Of course he wouldn't actually kill you, but I was, I am, afraid that he'll seriously injure you. So I tried to push you away as much as I could, and convince myself that I liked girls. I tried to force myself to fall in love with Alyssa, but... I couldn't. You were right that day when you caught Alyssa and I. I hadn't grown up like I thought I had. I was lying to myself. And frankly, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do."

Carter took a sip of his tea, feeling the hot beverage going through his chest and warming him up from inside. He felt bad for Josh and now began to understand his actions, and why he acted the way he did. Carter knew then how lucky he was to have parents who are so accepting of who he is. Josh wasn't that fortunate, and he could only imagine how horrible that must feel.

"Josh, you shouldn't let yourself suffer so much. I know I've been away, but I'm back now, and I won't leave you again. You can come to my house again if it gets hard, or if you want to be away from your father," he said.

Josh glanced at Carter and gave a small smile. "Thank you," he said. "But I think that won't be necessary. I mean, the things my father does are wrong, but he's not a horrible person. He really isn't. He's just... lonely."

Carter bit his lip. Even if his father wasn't a horrible person, he was doing horrible things to Josh and it couldn't continue. He gave a soft sigh and leaned against Josh, resting his head against the other's shoulder, like he used to do when they were younger.

Even though Carter didn't agree with it, if Josh wanted him to not do anything just yet, he'd just do whatever pleased him. Though if it was getting out of hand again, he would take action.

"My bum hurts," Carter mumbled, causing Josh to snort loudly. "It's your fault."

"Sorry," Josh chuckled and kissed the top of Carter's head. "I'll be more careful next time."

Josh reached out to one of Carter's hands and laced their fingers together, and Carter watched them intertwine. His smaller fingers fitted so perfectly between Josh's. Almost as if they were made to hold each other. It was a nice thought and Carter felt his lip curling up into a smile, hoping he'd be able to hold it like this for many more times to come.

+++

Carter walked up the hill towards the large home of Alyssa. He was on his way home after having spent the night with Josh when he realized that he had left his jacket with his keys at Alyssa's house. Plus, he figured he had to apologize for his sudden disappearance from the party.

He rang the doorbell and wondered how much of a mess the party had made inside the house, and if Alyssa's parents knew about it. She only threw parties like those when her parents were out of town, and for some odd reason had always managed to hide it very well by making sure the entire house was tidy and clean again. Which was something that had always impressed Carter. Even now, when it seemed that she hadn't changed that behavior at all.

The door opened and Carter didn't think he had ever seen Alyssa looking like that. Her hair was messy and her clothes were sloppy and oversized. He gave her an awkward smile. "Hey, I left my jacket here last night."

Alyssa squinted her eyes at him and gave a groan, running her hand through her hair before motioning Carter to enter the house. He walked in the hall and closed the door behind him. The hallway seemed to be cleaned up, but upon entering the living room, he could see that it was still quite a mess.

"I think your jacket is somewhere on the coat rack. It's the denim one, right?" Alyssa said and she went back to gathering the bottles and tossing them into one big, plastic sack.

"Yeah, thanks," Carter said, walking up to the coat rack and getting his jacket off. He felt the pockets and was relieved to find that his keys were still secured inside them. He gave a glance up at Alyssa and bit his lip. "Need some help?" he asked.

Alyssa looked up at him before nodding her head. "Yes, please. My parents are coming home in two hours and I've been cleaning up since 9 AM," she said before handing Carter another plastic sack. "Just gather all the trash. Bottles, carton plates, any sort of mess," she instructed.

Carter accepted the sack and started to follow Alyssa's lead, picking up everything he saw lying around on the floor. He always felt bad when someone had to clean up after a party all alone. But then again, Carer didn't go to many parties anyway.

"Where did you and Josh go, by the way?" Alyssa asked, catching Carter off guard.

"Ah, he got a headache so left earlier. I left later and went up to his place because I wanted to check up on him." he answered, hoping it wasn't too obvious that he was lying.

"Okay," Alyssa shrugged. "What did you do, then?"

We Had sex. "We talked things out." This wasn't really a lie, technically.

Alyssa hummed and tied a knot in the plastic sack when it was stuffed before grabbing a new one. "How was he?"

"Big," Carter mumbled before he could stop himself. He cleared his throat quickly and was simply going to pretend he hadn't just said that. "Bit better than before. I think his situation is a little more under control now. I mean, he seemed happier."

"Good," Alyssa said. "That's good." She sat down on the couch and watched Carter gather more trash from the floor, resting her chin between her hands. "Remember that one time that I dressed you up in one of my dresses, and then pretended for the rest of the day that you were a girl?" she said with her lips curving up into a smile.

Carter chuckled at the memory. He could clearly remember that. The shopkeepers actually believed he was a girl and the man who was at an ice cream sand gave both of them free ice creams because they were "cute little girls."

Carter had always had a girly, or a considered "cute", face. Even though he had gotten a bit manlier whilst growing up, he knew his face was still girlier than most guys. When he was really young, people had the tendency to get confused about his gender. Though he never really minded when that happened. At times, he liked the fact that he was a bit girly.

About an hour later, the house looked a lot better already. The only mess that was left to clean up were the glasses which had been used mix drinks up. Though Alyssa had told Carter it didn't matter if those weren't clean. Her parents would always assume that she had a girl's night with her friend.

"Thanks for helping," Alyssa said, fixing her hair a bit "You really saved me."

"No problem," Carter smiled, looking around a bit. He hadn't been much inside Alyssa's house before he had moved away, but from what he could remember, it hadn't changed that much.

Alyssa gave a yawn and stretched her arms. "I can't believe Melanie is dating Chris now. I knew she kind of always had the hots for him, but I never thought they'd actually become a couple."

"I'm happy for them," Carter said and went to sit down next to Alyssa on the couch, though winced as soon as he let himself fall down; his bum still hurt.

"When are you going to get a girlfriend?" Alyssa then asked, turning to the male next to her. "You're eighteen now but I have never seen you with a girl before. Have you dated one when you were in Minnesota?"

Carter shifted up a bit at the question, not sure how to answer that. "Ah, no... Dating isn't really something that happens to me," he said, forcing his lips into a smile. Which is something I'm okay with, honestly. I don't think any girl is interested in me."

"Sasha is," Alyssa replied rather quickly. "She thinks you're insanely cute."

"Yeah well, don't girls want a guy who is manly and burly? The cute part sounds more like she wants to pinch my cheeks."

Alyssa huffed. "You'd be surprised. There aren't that much really good-looking guys here. The one really stands out is Josh, but he always rejected any invitation he got from girls who wanted to go out with him. Even from good-looking girls."

"Well, I think everyone's definition of "good-looking" is a bit different," he said. "But I'll take the compliment, in that case."

Alyssa looked over at Carter and shifted a bit closer. "Then what kind of girls do you like? Or what kind of girls would you categorize as "good-looking"?"

Carter gave a glance at his friend and chewed the inside of his cheek. He thought a lot of girls he knew were good-looking, and considered "hot" or "sexy" by most people. He could name a few of them he'd probably be attracted to if he were straight, but he wasn't. He shook his head and his eyes averted from Alyssa's. "I wouldn't know," he answered. "I really wouldn't know."