Chapter 23

One of the things Carter noticed had changed in the behavior of his parents after he had come out to them, was they way they talked to him and treated him. Not in a bad way, but for some reason they acted more carefully and spoke in a more loving and softened way to him, as if they felt obligated to make sure he still felt loved by them after he told them about his true self.

But he didn't want that. He just wanted them to treat him the same, as if nothing happened. They meant well, of course, but he didn't want to be treated differently just because of his sexuality.

He wasn't his sexuality, after all. It was a part of him. His entire existence was not being gay, being gay was part of his existence.

His mother had always called him "honey" and "sweetie", but now she called him that in every single sentence she spoke to him.

"Yes, honey."

"No, honey."

"Sweetie, could you get that for me?"

"Did you sleep well, honey?"

"Sweetie, be a sweetie and get the phone for me?"

"Honey, would you like some honey with your tea?"

Even yesterday, when they were setting up the Christmas tree and decorating it with old and new tree decorations, each sentence his mother had spoken to him contained one of those corny nicknames.

And now, during breakfast, it seemed that it hadn't changed at all. When his mother spoke the sentence "here's some bread for you, sweetie", he almost had the urge to say something about it, but he didn't want to make a scene. He knew his mother meant well. Though now that his parents knew, Carter couldn't help but wonder what it would be like if his friends knew the truth as well. He wondered how they would react, and what they would think about him. Would they still be his friends? Would they reject it and stop being friends with him? So far, he didn't know anyone at his school who was openly gay. And if there were gays in his school who were still in the closet, he wondered who it could be. Well, he also knew about one; Josh. But he wondered if there were more people like Josh. Gays who are hiding who they are because their parents don't approve of it. Thinking about that, actually made Carter sad.

Because he had always wondered, and was still wondering, what is so bad about being gay? Why does the Bible apparently forbid it? He didn't understand. Maybe he didn't even want to understand. Such hatred, when he had always thought religion was supposed to celebrate the love God has for all.

When he got to school, he could see that over the weekend, Christmas decorations had been put up in the hallway as well. Posters of the Christmas Dance were stuck to the walls and on some of the lockers. The dance was in two weeks, right before the Christmas Holidays. Carter would probably spend both Christmas and New Year's eve with his parents at home, watching Christmas movies on the television, as well as the countdown from New York City. Basically how he had spent almost every Christmas and New Year's eve so far.

When Carter stood at his locker, grabbing the books he needed for his next class, he was taken by surprise when an arm suddenly draped over his shoulder. He looked up and his eyes met with those of Paxton, who was looking back at him with a smile.

"Good morning," he said and leaned a bit against the smaller male.

"Good morning," Carter said. "Any particular reason why you're so happy?"

Paxton grinned deviously and removed his arm before he went to lean against the locker wall. "I asked Riley to go to the dance with me, and she said yes," he said.

"Riley...?" Carter furrowed his eyebrows, having no idea who that was.

"Yeah, Riley. One of the hottest girls in school! She said yes when I asked her to go to the Christmas dance with me. I got myself a date," Paxton proudly announced.

Carter gave a soft chuckle and closed his locker door. "Congratulations," he said. "Do you already have a suit?"

"I do. I wore it to last year's prom. It's going to be my outfit for the dance, and for the senior prom as well. I don't really have a choice, though. I mean, suits are expensive, man."

Carter leaned against his locker and wondered if it was that custom to be having a date for a dance. There was nothing wrong about going without a date, was it?

"So," Paxton then said, "who are you going to ask to be your date?"

The brunette looked up at the other and cleared his throat, averting his eyes. "Ah... nobody, actually. I'll be going without a date. I don't need one."

"What? Come on, that's nonsense. You can just ask a cute girl out. I'm sure she'll say yes. Believe me, some girls around here are desperate," Paxton said.

"Yeah... I don't think so. Sorry, Pax," Carter said and rubbed the back of his neck, watching a few girls passing by. There were a few really pretty girls here, but of course Carter had no interest in them. He didn't want to lead anyone on by asking them out, and have them expect some sort or romantic Christmas dance date. No, he was going alone.

Well, he wanted to go with Josh, but he could forget about that. He wondered how that would go. The two of them showing up hand in hand at the dance, saying "surprise, we're gay!" That was going to be disastrous. Without a doubt.

+++

Carter's History teacher had called in sick, again, and he therefore had yet another free period. Not that he was complaining, though. He liked being able to study on his own. He had his earphones in, listening to some calm music as he scribbled down notes from his History book. Despite History being his favorite subject, it was always so much information he had to know and too many dates he had to be able to name.

He looked up from his book and gazed around the almost empty cafeteria. A few other students were sitting a few tables away, studying a well, and the lunch lady was preparing the lunches for the break which would be after this period ended.

Carter wondered where he should buy a suit for the Christma dance. He did want to go, despite not going with a date. A school dance with his old friends was definitely something to look forward to and he was eager to know what a dance was like on this school. They did have a few in his High School in Minnesota, but he had only gone to one. Dances like those were never something for him. He had only gone to the Junior prom last year, which was nice but it wasn't anything really special. He had mostly been standing around with the friends he had made, drinking punch and hoping it hadn't been spiked.

When Carter brought his attention back to his History book, he heard his name being called out and looked behind him to see Alyssa approaching. She wore a smile on her lip and Carter could tell that something exciting had happened.

"Hey," he greeted her with a smile as she sat down next to him, watching her place her bag on her lap and getting her phone out.

"Carter," she said, unlocking her phone and scrolling through some of her pictures. "Which one is cuter, this dress," Alyssa held her phone up and showed a red, knee length dress with sparkles dusted over the ends of the skirt, "or this one?" The next photo showed a long, royal blue, strapless dress with a thin, black waistline.

Carter blinked and wasn't sure what he had to say about it. He thought it made more sense for her to ask her girl friends about dress advice, not her best guy friend. "I don't know..." he said. "The red one?" He knew she was talking about which dress was nicer for the Christmas dance, and he figured the red dress fitted the color of Christmas more. Though he wasn't sure if that made sense.

"Really? The red one?" Alyssa asked, looking at the pictures again. "Yeah... I see what you mean. That's more Christmas themed, isn't it?" she mumbled, slightly narrowing her eyes in thought.

Carter gave a soft snort and closed his History book, not seeing the point in studying further. "So I take that you're excited about the dance?" he said.

Alyssa looked at Carter and gave him a smile which was almost a bit mischievous. "Guess what?" she said.

"What?"

Alyssa put her phone away and shifted a bit closer to Carter. "Josh asked me to be his date."

Alyssa's words had Carter's eyes widening. "...Wait, what?" he asked, a sudden feeling of shock going through him.

"Josh asked me to be his date!" Alyssa grinned. "I guess he's trying to make it up with me, and that he wants a second chance. I'm not, like, entirely sure about that yet, but it's great news, right? I guess he apparently cared more about me than I thought."

Alyssa rambled on, but Carter didn't exactly listen to her. He was, needless to say, in a bit of a shock. They had never really agreed on not letting anyone on while they were still hiding their sexuality, but Carter hadn't expected him to continue using Alyssa in order to make him look straight. Knowing this angered him.

He raised from his seat and shoved his book and notebook into his bag without uttering a single word.

"Carter...?" he heard Alyssa below him as he swung his backpack around his back. "Carter!"

Carter ignored the blond and walked away into the hallway. He knew which class Josh had and by now also knew where to find the classroom. Some of the classes were already emptying as he walked through the hallway, and watched the halls slowly being filled by the students. As he got to Josh's classroom, he waited outside, letting everyone pass until he saw Josh walking out as well.

"I need to talk to you," Carter spoke and grabbed Josh's sleeve, pulling him along.

"Carter?" Josh asked in a surprised voice. He didn't resist when he was being pulled by Carter and silently followed his lead.

Carter wasn't sure where to lead the two of them. He just wanted to talk to him about the situation. Alone.

As they walked through the halls, Carter then knew a place where they could talk in peace and rushed down the stairs with him. When they got to the auditorium, he pulled Josh inside and closed the door behind them. He was glad to see that it was empty. The Drama club luckily had their rehearsals at a different time. Alyssa had told him about how they are now practicing for a Christmas play, which they will perform on the last day before the Christmas Holidays.

Carter still held onto the sleeve of Josh's hoodie and he breathed a bit heavily, staring out into the auditorium.

"Carter, what's going on?" Josh asked him.

Carted looked up at the blonde and let go of his sleeve, his expression turning angry. "Why did you ask her to be your date?" he asked. "I'm talking about Alyssa. Why did you ask her to be your date to the dance?"

Josh didn't answer right away and he turned away from the shorter male, placing his hand on the back of his neck. "...What does it matter?" he said.

"It matters a lot, Josh," Carter said. "You're leading her on! I thought you had stopped doing that. It's not right, you know that very well."

Josh didn't looked back at Carter and he lightly shook his head. "Nobody can know, Carter. Nobody can find out about my sexuality. If it gets out... I don't know what will happen to me. I'm just... I'm scared, alright? My father leaves me alone when I'm with Alyssa and he's a lot nicer when he thinks that I'm dating a girl."

"That's not normal, Josh," Carter said. "You're using her. You're taking advantage of her feelings for you and it's wrong. You need to stop that, Josh. You can really break her heart like this."

"Of course I know that it's wrong!" Josh said, eyes finally meeting Carter's. "But what choice do I have? You know about my situation, so you know why I'm doing this. I'm protecting us both like this. It's the only way."

"It's not," Carter said, shaking his head. "It's the easiest way. You're always choosing the easiest way. Choosing the easiest way will only get you half-assed results. Shouldn't you have known this by now?"

"Carter, there is no use in telling me this, okay? Yes, I'm using Alyssa to hide who I am, but I'm doing this to protect us both. Especially you. So please, just bear with it," Josh said, stepping closer to Carter. He placed a hand on the other's upper arm and slowly slid up. "I care about you more than anything in this entire world. The thought of my father doing anything to you makes my stomach twist, so I will do whatever it takes to keep that from happening."

Carter looked up at Josh, into his eyes, and bit his lip. He stepped away from him and removed his arm from Josh's grasp. "I'm not scared of your father," he said, "and I don't care what he said he'd do to me. I don't want you to do this. You don't need to protect me from anything."

"It doesn't matter what you want me to do or not, I'm doing what I have to do. I've made my decision so this is how I'm going to do it. Can't you just try to understand that?"

Carter looked away and furrowed his eyebrows, facing the door. "No, and I don't want to understand it either. I don't like what you're doing at al. It needs to stop. And sooner or later, it will," he said, heading towards the door.

"Carter, wait," Josh called out, though Carter closed the door behind him and walked off into the hallway. He felt a sick feeling within his stomach, not liking this situation at all. It frustrated him how things had to be this complicated simply because some couldn't accept the way someone else was. It was ridiculous in his opinion, and he wanted it to stop. He just wanted to be able to show everyone how much he loved Josh, and do everything a heterosexual couple could do out in public. Though now it seemed as if all those desires would be nothing more but hopeless dreaming.