Sidelined Love: Chapter 32

I never thought I would look forward to going to my therapist’s office, but I do. It could be because I love our conversations, or it could be because Charlie is here, and I love hanging with him while I wait for Emily to call me back.

“Hey, buddy,” I say as I place my bag into a chair to my left before I drop to my knees.

His soft fur slides through my fingers as I move my hand, giving him plenty of pets. He bumps his nose against my hand in a friendly hello. Just being here with him dials down the chaos in my head. He adjusts his head so that it’s resting on his head on my knee like he knows I need this.

“Hailey?”

Emily’s voice pulls me from my moment with Charlie. I give him one last pat before standing up and turning to face her. I grab my bag and follow her into the office, leaving Charlie behind.

The moment I sit down across from her, I do feel more calm, and what a pleasant feeling that is.

Emily gives me a bright smile as she settles in the chair across from me. “How’s everything going? Are things going well with your dad? You look super happy.”

“I feel happy, so I guess it’s shining through. I’ll start with my dad. Things are getting better there. He’s actively dating and he’s happy, which is what I wanted most of all.”

“And has it changed your relationship with him in any way?”

“It has,” I admit, folding my hands in my lap. “At first, as you know, I was really worried about how his dating would affect us. But seeing him happy has helped me see things differently. Our relationship has actually gotten stronger. We’re more open with each other now.”

“That’s a significant shift, it sounds like you’re coming to terms with change, both in your father’s life and your own. Does this influence your feelings when it comes to Levi?”

“I think so because we are officially dating now,” I announce.

Emily’s eyebrows raise slightly with surprise, but her smile doesn’t shift. “That’s wonderful news. How are you feeling about this new development?”

I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and let out a deep breath. “Excited, but still nervous because this is all so new. We’re keeping things low key for now, which works for me. The thought of his… celebrity for lack of a better word, still makes me concerned.”

“It’s perfectly normal to be apprehensive about what you don’t know since none of us can predict the future. But it seems like you’re handling things well by setting boundaries that make you comfortable.”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that. I’ve also been debating going to one of his hockey games.”

“That’s a big step given what you’ve mentioned before. Is this because of the change in your relationship status?”

I play with the hem of my sweater as I consider how I want to answer the question. Finally, the words come to me although they aren’t as elegant as I would like. “It’s a bit of that, and I want to be there for him. His mother hardly attends his games anymore and his father is an asshole to him. He doesn’t have someone who roots for him in the crowd that he knows personally, and I want to be that person.”

“That’s thoughtful of you and it sounds like you’re willing to step outside your comfort zone for Levi. Make sure you’re also taking care of your own needs in the process.”

I nod, because isn’t that what I’ve been trying to find all along? Balance. The tightrope between following my routines and trying something new. This is definitely veering into the territory of throwing myself into the deep end though.

“I think it’s important for me to try. Levi has his own struggles, especially with the loss of his brother and the pressure he’s under as a result. His dad is… it’s a lot. And I might not understand everything about hockey or the fans, but I get what it’s like to feel alone surrounded by people.”

Those words hit me harder than I thought they would and the fact that they came out of my mouth says a lot. I hate that I understand the feeling of being alone, to be abandoned by the person who is supposed to love you the most.

I can see the gears turning in her mind as she processes what I’ve said. “What I’m about to say might sound strange but hear me out. Sharing someone else’s burdens doesn’t mean you have to carry them. Remember, it’s about offering support, not fixing everything.”

I take in a slow breath and let it out. Fixing things has always been my go-to. It is a coping mechanism, making me feel as if I have control in a life that was filled by chaos after my mother left. But she’s right; I can’t patch up Levi’s past any more than I can change my own.

“I think I’m going to talk Jade about going, and if I finally decide to do it, keep it a surprise from Levi. No matter the outcome of his game, I hope that my presence there will make his day brighter.” Having a tentative plan helps with my anxiety about all of this.

“That’s a great idea. During our next session, you can tell me what you decided, and if you did go, how it went.”

“Thank you,” I say as I stand. “I’ll definitely have a lot to talk about next time.”

As I step out of Emily’s office and walk toward my apartment, the only thing on my mind is Levi and this hockey game. There is little doubt in my mind that Jade is going to encourage me to go, but she’ll have my back no matter what I decide to do.

By the time I reach my door, I’m pretty sure I know my decision about the hockey game, but I’m ready to chat with Jade. I unlock the door and the first words out of my mouth are, “Jade? Are you home?”

“Yeah! I’m in my room. Give me a second.”

I take off my outer gear, hang it up, and drop my bag near my bedroom door. While I’m doing this, I hear some shuffling before Jade emerges from her room. Her curly black hair is pulled up in a ponytail and she’s wearing an oversized black sweatshirt and dark gray leggings.

“What’s up?” she asks, plopping down on the couch.

I take a seat next to her. “So, I had therapy today and talked to my therapist about going to one of Levi’s hockey games. Maybe surprise him?”

Jade’s eyes grow wide. “Whoa, really? That would be a huge step for you.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of scary for me to think about being there, but I want to support him. He works so hard, and his family… is pretty shit at cheering him on. Well… at least his father is.”

“Aw, that’s really sweet of you,” Jade says. “I’m sure he would love it if you went. I’ll go with you too! It’ll be fun.”

I smile, thankful that she also wants to come. Not that I thought she wouldn’t. “That would be amazing. But I’d need to figure out a way to keep a low profile. I don’t want the spotlight on me whatsoever, and there’s already been some chatter about us being a thing.”

Jade taps her chin thoughtfully. “Hmm, good point. Let me think about what we could do…”

We sit there in silence as I join her in trying to figure out a way we can be more incognito. It’s hilarious that we are spending this much time thinking about it while we probably have more important things to do, but it is what it is.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Jade jerk as if someone has scared her, and then she turns to me. Her movements cause me to give her my full and undivided attention, and I notice that her eyes widen before she jumps up and sprints out of the room.

“What the…” I mumble to myself before I yell out, “Jade? What happened? What are you doing?”

“Give me a second. I’ll be right back.”

This is the most déjà vu thing I’ve experienced in a while, but I don’t say a word. Instead, I wait for her to come back, and when she does, she has her phone in hand.

“What’s up and am I going to need a drink for this?”

That forces a laugh from Jade. “No? I don’t think so at least.”

I try to tame my involuntary reaction to it, but goosebumps appear on the back of my neck. “I don’t like the sound of this.”

“I promise it will be fine,” Jade says as she waves me off, but her eyes don’t veer from her phone.

“So you’re not going to tell me what this is all about?”

Jade looks up from her phone and I can see the excitement in her eyes. That has me concerned even after she starts speaking. “Okay, so I think I figured out a way we can go to the game and not draw any attention.”

Her phone buzzes in her hand before she turns her phone screen to face me. I realize she’s showing me a text message conversation between her and Wilder.

My eyes widen. “That’s actually brilliant. As rude as this sounds, I’m surprised he came up with it.”

Jade beams at me. “Right? He really came through.”

“What are you going to owe him for this?”

She shrugs. “He always says things like that and never mentions it again. I’m not worried about it.”

I tilt my head because I find this weird. “As long as you’re fine with it, I guess.”

Jade places her phone screen side down on the coffee table before looking back at me. “So what do you think? Want to do it?”

I don’t say a word about the obvious change in subject. Instead, I can’t help but laugh at how dramatic this all is, but hey, it just might work. I take a deep breath, feeling the nerves and excitement swirling within me. “Let’s do it. But I still might need a drink in order to pull this off.”