Sidelined Love: Chapter 36

The hospital room is quiet except for the steady beep of the machines that are in front of me. I stand by the bed, looking down at my father, whose face is softer as he gets the rest his body so desperately needs. It’s strange seeing him like this—vulnerable and human for lack of a better word. It’s a complete one-eighty to how I’ve envisioned him my entire life.

It’s been a couple of days since I got the call from my mother about my father’s heart attack and although I’ve spent countless hours here, the shock hasn’t completely worn off yet. Between trying to be here for my mother and still doing my best to keep up with school and hockey, I’m swamped. Thankfully today is Saturday, and we don’t have a game or practice so my focus is on being present at my father’s hospital bed.

Dad is going to be okay even if all of the machines that he’s hooked up to say differently. He’s only napping now and with some changes in lifestyle once he leaves here, he’ll be able to live a normal life. I have to remind myself this isn’t the same thing that I had to live through when Caleb was connected to every machine known to mankind before he died.

I check my phone to look at the time. Nine in the morning. I send Mom downstairs to get some food and to get some fresh air because she’s been by his bedside since they let us come in the room with him. Hailey is probably preparing for the chess event at Oak Terrace right now. I decide that right now is the perfect time to send her a quick text.

As I’m putting my phone away, Dad stirs. He blinks open his tired eyes, and they finally focus on me.

“Levi.” His voice is barely a whisper, but I hear him loud and clear.

“Right here, Dad,” I respond as I pull up a chair to his bed and sit down.

His eyes scan the room, then meet mine again. “Where’s your mother?”

“She went downstairs to get something to eat and to take a small break.”

“Ah,” he says as his gaze narrows. “You’re missing your game,” he says, his voice sounding somewhat strained.

I shake my head. “No game today. The only place I need to be is right here.”

He thinks about that for a moment and his gaze drifts to the window where the sun has painted the room in a soft, warm light. “You should be out there, practicing… training…”

“It’s okay, Dad. Hockey’s important, but you’re my priority right now.”

“Even after everything I’ve done?”

I can hear the regret in his words, and I’m taken aback by the stance he’s taking. The role reversal leaves me stunned as I try to find the right thing to say.

“We all make mistakes, and you need to focus on getting better.” I reach out and place my hand over his. The last thing I need right now is for him to get stressed out depending on how he’s trying to steer this conversation.

For a moment, he’s silent, just staring at our hands. Then he gives a small nod. “You’re a good son, Levi. Better than I’ve deserved.”

“Don’t talk like that.” The words slip out before I can stop them. “You’ve always pushed me because you wanted the best for me. It’s… been hard to see that sometimes, I guess.”

“That’s no damn excuse. What you said after the game the other night is right. I shouldn’t have been trying to force you to live up to the legacy Caleb left behind.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. This is the most open conversation I’ve had with my father in a long time, if not ever.

“I need you to trust me to find what’s best for me,” I confess, holding his gaze. “And maybe I can still make you proud by doing that.”

He squeezes my hand weakly. “I am proud, Levi. I always have been, even if I haven’t always shown it.”

I’m not sure how to respond. All of this is new territory for me. I’ve spent years trying to gain his approval through hockey, pushing myself to the limit to be the best. But now, here in this hospital room, all of that is unimportant.

“I appreciate you saying that,” I finally reply. “I know having me succeed in hockey has always been important to you.”

He nods slowly. “It’s time for me to let go of those expectations. You need to chart your own course. Hell, if you wanted to quit hockey today, I’d be sad, but I would support you.”

I feel a weight lift off my shoulders hearing him say those words, but this conversation is far from over.

“Dad, I’ve never blamed you for how you pushed me after Caleb… you know…” My voice trails off. Even now, it’s hard for me to say my brother’s name out loud at times. “But I need you to understand how much that hurts. For years, I’ve felt as if I’d never measure up to him.”

My dad’s eyes glisten with tears. “Losing Caleb nearly destroyed me. I was so blinded by grief and anger that I lost sight of what really mattered—you. My remaining son.”

He inhales a shaky breath, his chest rising and falling in uneven rhythm. I squeeze his hand tighter, hoping this conversation isn’t doing more damage to his heart.

“After the accident, I was desperate to hold onto anything that connected me to Caleb, and hockey was a big part of that. So I pushed you relentlessly, trying to relive his glory days through you. It wasn’t fair to you, and I’m sorry, Levi. Truly sorry.”

“I wanted to make you proud,” I say quietly. “All the extra practices, the diets, the training… I did it all to try and live up to an impossible standard. And it was never enough for you.”

My dad shakes his head, his eyes full of regret. “You have nothing to prove, son. Your brother was one kind of man, and you’re another. There’s enough space in this world for both even if one is gone.”

When I don’t respond right away, he continues. “I know I’ve got a lot to make up for and this has been a wakeup call once again alerting us to how precious life is,” he says quietly. “But I’ll do better from here on out.”

I let out a deep breath in order to control my emotions. “I’d like that. For us to start again.”

He gives my hand a weak squeeze. “Me too, son.”

A nurse comes in to check on him, and I stand up to give her space. She asks my dad some questions and records his vitals, informing us that the doctor will be in soon.

As she leaves, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and see a text from Hailey.

She’s been my rock through all of this. I wish I could be there with her, but I don’t want to leave my dad’s side.

“Who’s that?” my dad asks, noticing me looking at my phone.

“It’s Hailey,” I say. “She’s teaching chess to some of the residents at Oak Terrace today.”

“She seems like a special girl.”

I can’t help but smile a little thinking about her. “She is. I don’t know what I’d do without her right now.”

“Are you supposed to be there with her today?”

I nod. “I am.”

“But you stayed back because of me?” When I confirm his assumption, he speaks again. “You should go to her. I’ll be alright,” he urges.

“Are you sure?” I ask hesitantly. I don’t want him to think I’m abandoning him.

“Positive. Go ahead and do something for yourself. Your mom should be back soon anyway.”

I weigh my options, torn between staying with my dad and spending time with Hailey. It’s been nonstop chaos since his heart attack, and a break sounds fantastic. Plus, I can help her.

“Alright. If you’re sure you’ll be okay. I really don’t mind staying.”

“I’m sure,” he insists. “Go spend some time with your girl. Tell her I said hello, and I look forward to meeting her properly when I’m out of here.”

“Will do,” I promise. I grab my coat and take one last glance back at my dad. He gives me an encouraging smile. With that, I head out into the hallway as I’m pulling my coat on. I wave to one of the nurses that I recognize because he’s been caring for my dad and take the elevator down to the ground floor. I need to find my mother and let her know that I’m heading out.

I find my mom sitting at a small table in the corner of the hospital cafeteria, a cup of coffee in her hands, her gaze distant.

“Hey, Mom,” I say.

She looks up, and a small, weary smile touches her lips. “How is he?” she asks, setting her coffee down.

“He’s resting now. Looks a lot better than when we first got here,” I reassure her. “I, uh, I’m going to head out for a bit. I want to go help Hailey with her big event and Dad said he was okay with me doing it.”

Mom’s smile widens at the mention of Hailey’s name. “Hailey… I’m glad she makes you happy. It’s wonderful seeing that for a change.”

“Yeah, she’s… she’s something else,” I admit. “Call me if anything changes, okay?”

“Of course, dear. You go see Hailey. We’ll be fine here.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later.” I promise.

She stands up and gives me a huge hug that is reminiscent of some of the ones she used to give me when I was a kid. When we break apart, a small kiss from her lands on my cheek and she takes the opportunity to push a piece of hair out of my face.

With a final wave to my mom, I turn and leave the cafeteria. I leave the hospital behind, and as I’m walking through the parking lot, I reach for my phone before I pause.

Surprising her is so much more fun than showing up announced. The idea brings a grin to my face as I spot my SUV. After her supporting me throughout all of this, I’m glad that I can return the favor. But first, I have a couple of stops to make and hope that I can do the things I need to do and get to her apartment before she leaves.