Sidelined Love: Chapter 4

I watch the stream of light coming from the bright afternoon sun dance along the whiteboard at the front of the classroom, I find myself struggling to maintain focus on anything else.

The only other thing keeping me somewhat focused is the pen in my hand. I lightly tap my pen against my notebook as I listen to my professor. He’s talking about green spaces and how they can have a positive impact on mental health. It is a topic I’m normally passionate about and while I’m attempting to take notes, my mind isn’t fully here.

At least I’m smart enough not to take my laptop out of my bag because it would only distract me further.

My eyes drift down to look at what I’d already written from today’s lesson. My neat penmanship shows I’ve at least been listening somewhat, and if I get called out for my daydreaming, I at least have something to say.

As my professor continues to talk about the importance of trees and parks, my mind wanders off into its own little world. It’s a place where I can replay the events that happened this morning at Brewed Beginnings on repeat without judgment.

As much as it irritates me, Levi’s actions toward Marc are living rent free in my head. It is so silly for me to overthink this, especially since Levi is a complete stranger and everything I know about him I’m not a fan of.

Including the fact that he plays hockey. Well that’s more so because hockey and sports aren’t my thing.

Why am I even thinking about this? It was a fleeting moment and chances are, given how many students are on Crestwood’s campus, I probably will not see him again.

Yet nothing could remove the encounter from my mind.

As I pack up my things, I can’t help but be excited about the project. I debate whether I should mention something to Professor Klein after class. However, there are a few people waiting to speak to her so now probably isn’t a great idea.

Instead, I leave and head to the library until I need to go back to the coffee shop. However, this time, it won’t be to work a shift.

I get lost in studying and time passes by quickly, and before I know it, it’s time for me to return to Brewed Beginnings.

As I walk through the front door, I confirm I’m the first one there. It’s what I prefer to have happen because it helps show that I’m committed to this organization.

I wave to another person I sometimes work with, Jenna, and say a silent thank you because Marc isn’t here. Then I move along to transform one corner of the coffee shop into a space fit for our meeting.

Tiredness begins to make its way into my body as I rearrange tables and chairs into some semblance of order. Marc allows me to put up a sign to direct people to where chess club meets, and I make sure it is up. Once I’m finished setting up, members start trickling in. I swallow how I want to react and try to be as friendly as I can muster.

“Yo,” I say when I glance up and see Jeff, a longtime member of the club.

Jeff raises an eyebrow.

“Well good evening to you too,” he says, plopping his backpack down. “Having a shitty day?”

“Isn’t that every day?” I snap. “But no. Just tired and wish I would have taken a nap between the end of class and our meeting.”

“I hear that.”

I take a deep breath to steady myself as I see a few new faces walk into Brewed Beginnings and head in our direction. Time to put on my game face and make sure the smile I’m wearing doesn’t look completely fake.

“Hello and welcome to chess club,” I say as I approach them. “I’m Hailey, president of the club. I’ve already set up some boards and you can sit at any table where there is one. We’ve got clocks for timing games if you wish to use them. I’ll also be teaching some of the basics over here. There’s coffee and snacks on the counter. If you have any questions, please let me know.”

I give them a thin smile, hoping to keep our interactions short and to the point. The less I have to say, the better. I glance at the display case that still has pastries and other treats. I make a mental note that I should get a brownie because it’s my favorite item that Brewed Beginnings sells, and I haven’t eaten since this morning.

Once the new members have settled in, I quickly realize no one wants to be taught the basics, much to my relief. I retreat to the counter and chit chat with Jenna as she grabs me a pastry. It will not settle my stomach for long, but at least I have food in my body. I take one last look around the room, making sure that no one needs anything, before deciding it’s time for my own game.

I find an empty table and set up a chessboard for myself. Playing by myself has always given me an opportunity to unwind, and after today, I desperately need it.

As I sit there moving both sets of pieces, I fall into a rhythm. Each move is a silent conversation with myself, a strategic dance in a way that helps clear my mind. The clink of the pieces as they touch the board is therapeutic, the familiar patterns of the game comforting.

While I don’t mind having an opponent, there is something about playing by myself that I absolutely love. Each move gives me time to reflect and process my feelings, giving me the opportunity to settle the thoughts in my mind.

At least somewhat.

Although I’m aware of my surroundings, it all fades into the background. Time slows down as I stare at the board in front of me. The pawn in my hand gives me something to roll between my fingers while I think about my next move.

I carefully set down the pawn, having finally decided on my next move. As I reached for my knight, the tension I’ve apparently been holding in my shoulders lessens. I take a moment and look up to see if anyone is looking over at me, needing my attention, but everyone is focused on what move they need to make next.

Perfect.

I shift my attention back to the chessboard, studying the arrangement of pieces. I have many options for my next move with my knight, each with advantages and disadvantages to consider. But one thing is obvious. Here, in this moment, it is just me and the game.

Finally, I make my decision. With a soft clink, I set down the knight, taking the other color’s bishop. I lean back and survey how things have changed on the board. There is still more that needs to be done before I can wrap this up. I quickly finish the game and rise from my chair, stretching my muscles in the process. With a heavy sigh, I know it’s time to socialize once more.

I carefully pack up the chess set, buying myself more time before I need to start my rounds. After convincing myself that going up to order a drink and a brownie from Jenna would only prolong the inevitable, I begin to make my way around the room.

I fold my arms across my chest as I make my way around the room, scanning the various games in progress. I’m slightly impressed with how focused everyone is. Many people join a club on campus because it’ll look good on their résumé when they need to show extracurriculars. It is one of the most annoying fucking things. At least the people that are here tonight seem interested in the game.

As I make my way around the section of the coffee shop that we’re using, I take in the sight of the various chess games in progress. At one table, I notice Jeff and Liza, his opponent, locked in an intense match that requires a lot of concentration. Both of their kings are under threat and while I can see pathways for either one of them to choose, I keep my mouth shut so they can figure them out on their own.

In the back corner, I notice Camden, someone who joined chess club around the same time I did, is patiently guiding a new guy through the basic openings. The new dude is listening intently to his instructions and will be better for it if he retains the knowledge Camden’s giving him.

Once I’ve checked in on everyone, I stand between two tables near the center of our section. I clear my throat and announce in a loud, clear voice, “Hey! There are some decent games going on. We’ve got about five more minutes before we need to stop these matches. After that, take a breather, grab a drink, do whatever you need to do. But be quick about it. We’re switching partners and starting a new round of matches ASAP.”

Low murmurs start up again as everyone returns to their games. I pull out my phone to check to see if I have any messages, and I find one from my father.

Dad: Just checking in because I haven’t heard from you in a while. Hope everything is going well.

As I reread the text, a sharp pang of guilt slices through me. My mind races as I try to remember the last time I spoke to my father—could it have been a week ago? Maybe two? How could I have let that much time go by without at least saying hello?

I shouldn’t have to wait for him to message me in order for me to consider calling him. Especially after all we’ve been through.

My fingers fly across my phone screen as I type up a response that reads like nothing more than a shitty excuse and press send.

Me: Hi. Everything is going fine. Sorry I’ve been busy, but I can call later tonight if you’re free.

I switch it to vibrate so I’m alerted when he sends me something back. I then stick my phone back into my pocket, forcing my mind away from my guilt and back on chess for the time being.

Nothing on my face gives away the emotions I feel churning inside of me. It’s a look I’ve perfected and comes in extremely handy, especially when I don’t want people to ask questions or get into my business. Having a resting bitch face is really useful when the only thing you want is to be left alone.

After walking around a couple more times, I glance up at the clock. Seeing how much time has passed, I say, “Okay, that’s it.”

The chess club members finish up their games and set up the chessboards so they will be ready for the next players to begin. I say nothing as several people stand and walk around while others chat with one another.

Instead of interacting with people, I stand off to the side and watch. Deep down, I know I should be doing the same thing, but I can’t bring myself to do so. I’d rather sit on the sidelines and people watch as I debate with myself about how the rest of this meeting is going to go.

At least that is my plan until I notice Jeff walking toward me out of the corner of my eye.

“Are you planning on playing anyone this next round?” he asks.

I fight the urge to sigh. It is nothing against him personally, I just don’t want to be bothered. I glance at him before staring straight ahead again. “Nope.”

“How about you and I play against one another?” he suggests, taking a small step into my personal space.

I consider moving away but decide the best course of action is for me to stand still, holding my ground. Is there a chance I’m the only one seeing it this way? Yes, but it doesn’t change my response.

I think about his proposal before asking, “Are you sure it’s something you want to do?”

My question isn’t meant for me to come off as being an asshole, but it is true, and he knows it. After all, I’m one of the best players, if not the best player, here.

“I could use the practice to get better.”

That was a good point. “If that’s what you want, then so be it.”

I step away from Jeff as I realize that the break is over, and people are waiting around for me to give the next instructions.

“Okay, we’re going to discuss a little bit of strategy before starting the next round of timed matches. These aren’t going to be anything like rapid or blitz chess, so if the match isn’t over by the end of our club meeting, that’s fine. Any questions?”

Seeing none, I continue speaking. “Let’s talk about one of the most fundamental strategies in chess: controlling the center of the board.” I walk up to a chessboard and point to the squares e4, d4, e5, and d5.

I move a pawn to e4, then to d4, demonstrating what I’m trying to explain. “Controlling these central squares gives your pieces more room to move. Your pieces can move around more easily, giving you more options so you’re not just acting on defense against your opponent. It’s a more offensive strategy and gives you more opportunities to attack.”

I go through a demonstration and explain my point. Several people ask questions and I answer quickly. Once that portion of the meeting is complete, we all pick a seat and get ready to begin our next matches.

“Are you ready?” Jeff asks me.

“Yep,” I say in response. I set the timer and then we get to work.

Since I’m sitting on the side with the white pieces, I make the first move—advancing my king’s pawn two spaces. Jeff mirrors what I’ve done on his side of the board. We continue exchanging moves, both aiming to control the center as I had demonstrated earlier. I have to admit, Jeff proves himself a worthy opponent, countering each attempt I make to gain the upper hand.

I gain a slight advantage when I manage to exchange my bishop for one of Jeff’s knights, but he responds aggressively, putting my king in danger. I have to think carefully to find a way out without losing too much ground.

Just as I’m about to force a draw, he makes a careless move, giving me an opening to checkmate him in three moves. I consider showing him the sequence but decide it’s something I can explain after the match is over. Instead, I take his queen with my knight, leaving his king defenseless.

“Checkmate,” I say, sliding my knight into place and sticking out my hand. He stares at my hand for a moment, stunned, before he reaches across the board and shakes it. “That was a close match.”

“Yeah, it was,” he says with a grin. “I’m getting better.”

“You are,” I respond. “It was really good. Let me show you the mistake you made.”

I reorganize the pieces as we had them before and show him the move he made and how I was able to use it to get the win. He nods along as he watches, hopefully understanding what I’m trying to showcase here.

Our discussion is interrupted by the timer going off, signaling the end of this round of matches. I help Jeff clean up our board before standing up to address the room. “Great job today, everyone. If we can all help by cleaning any messes that we created, that would be great and won’t piss off the manager here. We’ll meet at the same time next week.”

I’m kind of impressed with the number of people that stayed behind to clean things up, making my life easier. As the last members leave the coffee shop, I let out a long exhale as I sink into a chair.

I’m done for the night.

“Do you need anything?”

I look over and find Jenna staring at me before I shake my head. “Nah. I’m going to head out for the night.”

“Sounds good.”

I take a deep breath and stand up. Time to go home and recharge for another day. I leave Brewed Beginnings and walk back to my apartment, checking my phone and finding that I don’t have any missed calls or text messages.

Unexpectedly, loneliness creeps in because the one person that is always there for me hasn’t returned my text.