Chapter 205

That stillness, that moment of heaven, the immersion into an eruption of feel good tingles and chest swelling, weirdly. It happens again. Like a slow content, almost blissful silence in my head, while my body gives into sensation; where the only thing I can feel, or see, or taste, is her. And I like it.

My fingers find their way to her face, shocked we fit so perfectly as our mouths mold flawlessly together. She tastes like she smells. Tropical, sweet, addictive, a kiss so soft and perfect that I want to pour more of myself into it. I try to get lost in the moment, the eruption of fire in my stomach, the way my body warms at the contact achingly, as though finding something it has been yearning for and longing to devour it whole; but the kick of guilt and horror that overtakes me at doing this, as sense and logic kicks in, hits full force and leaves me breathless as I pull away. Lifting my palms away from touching her.

I realize how little control I actually had of my faculties in doing what I just did. There was no explanation for crossing this line other than a moment of total stupidity. No way to explain the way my senses took over and reacted like that kind of contact between us was natural. I’m beyond livid with myself for my behavior, on all accounts. I have a fucking girlfriend! Sophie is my BEST friend.

“Shit. I don’t know why I..... I shouldn’t have done that. Fuck, Sophs. I’m sorry. I can’t believe I ... I don’t know why I …” I move away from her, no longer able to trust myself and completely fucked up by how I’m feeling about her right now. Her kiss lingering in my head, her taste, her lips. That stirring inside of me that I could maybe feel that way about her if I let myself explore the possibility, explore more of that kind of contact between us.

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!!!

What the fuck are you doing, Arry?

I am freaking out, I know I am. My heart rate is through the roof and I can barely breathe, let alone think straight. My feet are pacing, even though I have no clue as to where they are going, and I cannot stand at peace to still the chaos in my brain. She stares at me wordlessly and it’s unbearable. I have nothing to say; for myself, for what I just did. I don’t know what to even do. I’m not a cheat, a guy who uses women or discards his girlfriend so carelessly, yet I just kissed another girl, willingly.

“I need you to go.” Sophie looks at me with an almost dead pan expression, but that tiny flicker in those endlessly deep eyes tells me she’s hurting and it’s another strike in the stomach. Forget my brain chaos, my girl is in distress, and I just made it all fucking worse.

“Soph?” I lift my hand to reach for her, even though I have no clue what to say. Completely out of my depth and I need time to process all of this. She gives me the big ‘back off’ glare and I know this is futile. Like me, Sophie needs processing time, and in her frame of mind versus mine, we will get nowhere except running around in circles. I’ve managed to get myself near the door with my chaotic pacing, and I realize that leaving is maybe the best idea right now. She’s right. We both need a little space to get some perspective on this. I know us, I know her, and she needs breathing space to sulk, while I need space to think about everything that just happened in a very short time.

I mean, I walked in here to mend bridges and hang out with my best friend. I’m leaving with our relationship in shreds and my head on how I feel about fucking the girl who is my best friend.

Jesus.

“I need some time to let this sink in... I can’t think straight......” I move to her, but then realize that was the mistake I made before and ended up kissing her the first time.

Fuck, I kissed her! Why the fuck did I do that? I can’t cross this line, can I?

No one would ever forgive me. My heart almost stops beating when I think about the bigger picture here, and exactly how both of our families would react to Sophie and I hooking up.

In an instant it kills any doubt about ever crossing that line, when I think about the trust and faith they have in me, to always do right by her. When I think of her past and why it would be a huge gross misuse of her trust in me, to let anything happen. She’s fragile, her feelings for me tied up in her healing process and I can’t endanger that.

Sophie looks closed off and I know I need to end any hope she may have from that kiss, while I get my shit together and my brain out of my ass. I can’t leave this hanging between us; I need to be clear that I made a stupid mistake. She can be mad, upset, and moody, she will process it a lot faster if I give her instant closure.

“I’m sorry, Sophs ... I just don’t think I feel that way about you. I have a girlfriend, and I don’t know how the hell to play this. I should never have kissed you, and I have to tell her.... That’s not who I am. I don’t cheat. I don’t know what that was.” I know I should leave, but even as the words fall out that pit of anxiety grows, and the words feel like lead in my mouth. I can’t decide if it’s because I know I’m hurting her, or if it is the fact that I’m not being honest. I never lie, especially not to her.

How can I tell her anything going on in my head though, when it can’t lead anywhere and never will?

Too many people involved, too much at stake and too much to lose. Natasha is already going to be hurt when I go home and tell her what I’ve done, and it makes me feel even more nauseous. I hate hurting people, yet here I am hurting the two women who matter the most, hurting Sophie.

I kissed her.... I liked it. I need to forget it. It felt like I always imagined kissing the right girl would feel like, but it’s her, Sophie. Never ever would I ever go there. She means more than this. We mean more than this and I don’t see a future without her in it. If I want to hold on to that then I have to kill this now, it’s too messy.

“It was nothing, why bother? It was barely more than a graze of lips, almost chaste, and probably brotherly on your end. You will only hurt her, and it’s pretty clear that it was a spur of the moment test that failed. I don’t blame you for anything. You have always been everything for me and more. I owe you so much, and I fell in love with you for it. Now maybe you’re right. We grew apart, and maybe we were meant to, exactly for this reason. So, go ... I’m not mad. I just need you to leave, and maybe we should just stay clear of each other for a bit, while I get my head straight.” Sophie barely looks at me and her voice betrays nothing. It kills me inside, because I know her and know this is the face of indifference she presents when she is wounded. She can make me bleed without even trying, with words that hold so much weight even though I know none of it is true. She doesn’t really mean any of it;

she’s acting out to save herself from heart ache. We haven’t drifted apart; we just haven’t been nurturing our friendship and she has no idea how I even feel about her or that kiss. She isn’t just mad at me, she’s devastated. For the first time in what we are, we are lying to each other and it cuts me deeply.

“Sophs?” Guilt consumes me, and my need to always heal her is the overriding emotion. I want to wipe this away, fix it somehow, be honest and talk this out properly. She looks so alone and vulnerable, even under the tough exterior, the way I hate her looking. My heart constricts in my chest, yet I am powerless. Torn with doing what is right, over what my gut wants to do.

“Just go, you’re only making it worse.” She sounds cold and I hesitate about going to her. Her slight frame and petite little body cries to be held. My own heart telling me to just fuck everything and go to her. I yearn to wrap around her and make this better. Shield her from the heartbreak she’s feeling. I hate knowing Sophie is in pain, yet I’m causing it. Why the fuck did this have to be so complicated?

“GO!” She repeats it angrily and I know I should. There is nothing I can do right now and the longer we stay like this I will only end up making it worse. Reluctantly I move back, watch her turn away from me for a second and feel that panic rise in my stomach, torn in two about what to do. Hesitation is the overriding factor. I need to think this through, I’m better when I get space to process things and this is what I need to do. I should give myself space to lay it out neatly and plan how to overcome it all, then come back to her.

I watch her in closed down ‘stay away’ mode and finally start to leave quietly, knowing I have no other option. Sophie is in the frame of mind where she wants to be left alone and even if I had something more positive to say to her, she’s not in the mood to hear it. I walk away, pausing outside her door in a moment of doubt about whether I should go or not. Torn as I give her one last lingering look.

She has her back to me, held stiffly as she messes with the stuff on her vanity and I can tell it’s an act to push me to leave. Fake indifference. She’s guarding herself, holding together until I go away. I shouldn’t leave without saying something ... even goodbye.

I go to speak, but nothing comes out, unsure what to say and somehow a goodbye isn’t what I want to say at all. So instead I turn and leave, before I change my mind. I pause in the hall but then catch sight of movement in the lower landing and think better of hanging around like some creepy stalker.

I need to go and think, take some time to really figure out how to salvage my friendship with her after what I just did. What she told me about how she feels. There is so much to compute. I move down the stairs quickly, my head elsewhere and nod at the housekeeper as I let myself out into the daylight.

Barely taking in the journey as I move on autopilot; fit ready to collapse with how much heavy weight my body seems to be dragging with me. Everything surreal and as fresh air and open space hits me with the light of day, I realize I have no clue what to do with myself.

I planned on being with her for the day, hanging out, Sophie quality time, and now I’m standing in her front yard staring emptily at the street and no clue what the fuck to feel. Like a tidal wave of sheer anxiety hits me from all angles and I slump down on the front step and sit down defeatedly, head aching with too much to handle.

Sophie is in love with me, and I never saw it coming at all. My best friend is in love with me and it feels like it changes everything in my entire world and brings it all crashing in on me.

I feel something....... But......... I have a girlfriend. I’m supposed to be in love with Natasha. I am in love with her. I have responsibilities relating to Sophie that would make being with her so wrong. She’s like a sister in a way. My family would be pissed at me, hers would be too. I’m too old for her, she’s too young, we’re not right in that way. If we dated and we didn’t work out, I would lose her, and I can’t ever lose her. It doesn’t bare thinking about.

My head is all over the place with a million conflicting thoughts and I really do try and grasp the reality of my feelings over the top of the noise of the good boy voice in my head, dictating what the right thing to do should be. I’ve never been so confused in my life. That niggling devil is prodding me in the heart and distracting me from everything else.

Do I feel more? Could I feel more?

Sophie is beautiful, funny, smart, fearless. I have always been in awe of her for so many reasons, and if it was down to attraction alone, then I don’t think I would have a problem if I allowed myself to think about her in terms of looks alone. I have never denied that I think she’s gorgeous in every way. She has the kind of perfection that is so rare, effortlessly, and a figure that turns heads. I’m not blind, not celibate either. I get how attractive she is...I just swore to never go there, for a million reasons that all add up to more than enough to stop this dead.

I do not want to ever go there, even in my head. I put her firmly on platonic in the first weeks I ever knew her and have refused to cross that line ever since. I have no clue how she would even handle a physical relationship after what she went through, I have never seen what she’s like with boyfriends. I always avoided seeing her dating.

Why? Maybe I should have analyzed why I never wanted to see her date before now.

On an emotional level, she can be hard to handle, stroppy, childish, and complicated at her worst. A relationship would not be like a friendship in which I can dismiss a lot of how she is; together, in love, all that would mean so much more. She has scars that reach deep, making her more fragile than most, and going down this route would only abuse the trust she has in me.

None of that has ever made me want to lose her as a friend. If anything, those parts of her make her who she is. I like her fire and her sassy attitude, I would even say that they are my favorite parts of her, and I indulge her because of it, encouraging it in ways. I love her strength, and her ability to face things most girls would crumble at, because she has been through and survived so much. She’s fearless and strong, and I admire and respect that about her crazily.

I love her wit, her sarcasm and her childishness, even if those things could make it hard to have any sort of deeper connection to her. She entertains me, wraps me around her little finger without even trying, so imagine if I did give her my heart fully, I would be so lost to her. The thought terrifies me.

This would fuck everything up, in so many ways, and we would risk everything that we are. I can’t risk that between us. I need Sophie in my life, she keeps me sane and grounded. I can’t be thinking about the what if’s, I shouldn’t even be contemplating them.

But that kiss...... Everything stopped with a kiss. And I have no idea how the fuck I should feel when I think about kissing her.

All I know is that one tiny, almost nothing kiss, made me feel more in those few seconds, than kissing Natasha for the last two years of my life has done.

Fuck. Fuckity, fucking, fuck!