Excuses | A TWENTY ONE

"So," started Will. "What are you going to do to sort things out with Esme Ivanov?"

"Who?" questioned Garren.

"The lesbian with the ugly cardigan," said Ben.

"Oh, her. Nothing."

"What?"

"He said-"

"I heard him, Ben," Will intervened. "What do you mean nothing? Ms. Shepherd told you to sort it or else she will."

"Yes, so I'll leave it to her. I've got better things to do with my time."

Will sighed. "Why am I not surprised?"

"Um, guys."

The three boys directed their heads to me. Despite it appearing they were too engrossed in conversation to recall my presence, I hadn't felt nonexistent or forgotten. Perhaps it was from their gazes that looked so attentive. "Not that I'm not enjoying listening to your riveting discussion, but I've got a class I was meant to be in five minutes ago."

Granted, I could've ignored Garren's voice when he called me out, seeking to have 'a word'. He wouldn't have known if I was pretending, I was a good six metres away. Except here I was, roaming the halls and unintentionally being tardy.

"Yes thank you, Stevie. Let's move on to something actually relevant; why aren't you taking the advanced classes?"

I rolled my eyes. "Really? This again?"

"Don't roll your eyes. This a serious issue."

"How?" questioned Will.

"Because since you two are too slow, I've been stuck sitting behind that fatty and seeing those rolls of sausages burdened to keep his head up. If she'd been attending since the beginning, I could've been spared from that torture."

"Oh, so you want me there as a shield," I derived.

"Of course that's not the only reason, Stevie."

"Really? Cause that's what it sounded like to me too."

"Shut up Ben," Garren hissed. "Stevie I'm just saying-

"No, no no. I completely understand. To think you've had to endure the distress of seeing a little neck fat for so long- gosh, I'm amazed you're still standing."

"Stevie."

"If His Majesty will excuse me, I need to get going." I turned on my heels, starting to linguistics.

I caught a chuckle from Will followed by a sarcastic remark to his leader saying, "You definitely had her convinced there," right before hasty footsteps advancing my way emerged.

I bit back the gleeful smile threatening to spread at the sound of Garren hurrying over. Okay, I wasn't really mad but it was fun to see him think so. I quickened my stride just by a fraction, the steps behind me followed along. I resisted the temptation to sneak a glance, only halting when he sped up to block my path.

I hid as much amusement from my expression as possible. "What?"

"I wasn't done," he insisted. "Look, you need to understand I'm a little pissed by all this."

"By all what?"

"You. I had assumed you were a transfer student because well, it shocked me that I hadn't noticed you earlier."

It was impossible to not expose my surprise at that.

"I mean, you were right here the whole time. What did I miss not to see that?" Garren's tone visibly perplexed by it and it's a new but fascinating sight. "You're partly to blame too."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. None of this adds up; you've been here since first year but you don't attend Advanced when it only takes two months to be applicable. It took me less, you'd be no different then. So why?"

"I just don't think I'm at the level to keep up," I lied.

If I told him the truth, he'd laugh in my face. The irony in it was seriously comical.

Garren crossed his arms. "You didn't think you could keep up but you signed up for Coeus?"

"Ms. Shepherd encouraged me."

"For what? That bloodsucker doesn't do anything for anyone unless it's for her own benefit or attached to profiting the academy's status."

I shrugged. "Well, I guess you'd have to ask her."

I made an attempt with the genuine aim to go to linguistics. This was getting a little to risky for my liking. However, Garren continued to intervene. "But it must be so easy in the regulars. Don't you get bored?" His eyes searching

"Not really."

My tone fell far too short of truthful and he definitely noticed. "... Is it because of them?"

"Them as in, my friends?" I thought it over. "Maybe a little, yeah."

Garren's eyes sunk to that hollowness like at our last game. "Oh."

I felt just as uneasy about it. I couldn't bring myself to talk again this time though. I knew it'd be on my mind all day and I didn't need that load right now. "So," I began. "Are you seriously not gonna do anything about Miss Ivanov?"

We're both more than aware I'm diverting the topic but it went unmentioned. "No, like I said, it's nothing to fuss over."

"Because she doesn't want money or sex from you?"

Garren confidently nodded.

"Does this really happen that often? Like, that name you said- Katherine Walsh. What did she do?"

"She was an advocate for animal protection agencies. RSPC and all that. Through a series of events, she knew I was one of the many not so enthusiastic and started making 'aggressive' comments about me in a club she founded. I got the club disbanded and a week later, someone broke into my room and dumped all my clothes in black tar. Literally, all my clothes. Not even a handkerchief was spared."

"Wow. That's real dedication."

"Right? I almost felt impressed."

"And she did all this because she liked you?"

"Like? No." He shook his head. "Not at all. Unstable and sexually frustrated? Yes. So I offered her dinner. She confessed to being the culprit, I had her charged for breaking and entering. Then I bought a new wardrobe, twice as large and lived happily ever after."

I applauded. "Remarkable."

"I know. It comes with the genes."

"Though shouldn't you be more concerned if Miss Ivanov isn't after you for those reasons?"

"That's just it, Stevie. This isn't about me. Humans are naturally hateful. It's one of the three things we'll never give up- I'll get to the other two another time," he hastily added, fully ahead of me before the enquiry could leave my parting lips. "We're hateful but we don't channel it out of just one projection. Anybody who puts effort into things like slandering a person, a whole community doesn't suddenly come about it one day. It's triggered by something or a misplacement from their true intentions."

"What if they're idiots though?"

Garren paused. "Yeah, okay there is that. It's not applied in this case. This woman attends the Parr University, enrollment there isn't by simple money. It's ingenuity. If this was about only booting me off the captain position, she could try to think of more creative ways."

"So she's triggered and has an ulterior objective."

"Why do you assume it's both?"

"I watched the video, Garren. And a few of her others during assembly for comparison. She definitely really hates you," I assured him. "But yeah, taking your point into consideration, there's misplacement too."

"Taking my point into consideration- you're agreeing with me then?" Garren grinned.

I held back an eye roll. "Don't change the subject. What's she after if it's not you?"

Garren shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know, but I'm not the target, so not my problem."

That was all he said before swiftly walking off and I was greatly resentful for it. Maybe he could go on freely with no enquires, but now it was plaguing my mind at what or who this real target miss Ivanov was after.

I'd spent the rest of the day viewing more of her videos at any chance I got. Under my desk when I should've been listening to the lectures or at lunch. It might've resulted in a fruitless endeavour but I was too intrigued to stop and it was all Garren's fault.

**

I found stern, narrowed eyes locked on me as my hotel door opened. Liam's greeting lacked warmth too as he entered. I warily smiled at the two, straightening up from my spot on the bed and tried to sought out what the odd air was about. "Hey."

Liam casted a glance Aston's way, but her eyes never shifted from me and then he started. "You know how me and Ash have music with one of your club members?"

"Tate? Yeah."

"Well, we asked him what those long meetings all week were about and he said there hadn't been any."

I sat, blinking. That quickly cleared my pondering. Including why they decided to meet at the hotel which was more reclusive than our usual venues.

"Well solve this, Stevie," urged Ashton. "Because there's a few things not adding up there, right?"

It was honestly more bearable to face her hostile demeanour rather than Liam's. He had on this unnerving look of betrayal. For what reason? Had I done anything to warrant such a face? It was upsetting.

"Tate doesn't know about the meetings because Garren only told me," I replied.

"Why did he only tell you?" questioned Liam.

"He said the others weren't required to come."

The questioning stares were inevitable to follow.

"What? What the heck does that even mean?"

"So let me get this straight; you and Garren are the only ones in those meetings? Just the two of you?" Pure fury laced in Ashton's voice.

I nodded.

"Doing what, exactly?" Liam pressed.

"Nothing, just-

"Are you shagging him?"

My jaw dropped as quickly as those words blurted out of Ashton's mouth.

"Ashton!"

"What? Come on, Liam. You were thinking it too!"

"I am not shagging Garren," I firmly stated. "And I honestly can't believe you'd think that."

"Well what the hell are you two doing in there then?"

"Board games! We just play board games."

Silence lapsed. The pair stared at me with no words for several seconds, then peered to one another.

"Board games?" Liam parroted. "That's it?"

I nodded again and it only seemed to infuriate Ashton further each time.

"And why is it only required you for that?"

"I don't know. It's him who just makes the decisions. I can't really argue."

It was a weak justification, I knew it. I wasn't doing myself any favours and only welcoming more room for doubt but I wasn't sure what I was meant to say to prevent them from thinking I was ditching them for him.

Ashton's jaw was clenched stomach-churningly tight at that point. "So you're saying, for the past week, you've just been playing games alone with Garren? That's what you're trying to tell us?"

"Yes."

She crossed her arms. "Is that some code word in nerd language or am I missing something here?"

"Ashton, it's the truth."

"Then why didn't you tell us that from the start?"

"B-Because-

"Because it's not true, is it?"

I frowned.

"If it was, then you wouldn't have kept it from us."

"I was worried you'd take it the wrong way and see, I'm right. You jumped to ridiculous conclusions."

"So you thought saying nothing was better?" retorted Liam.

"I didn't know what else to do. With the way you always get about the Aces..."

"The way we get?" Ashton scoffed, shaking her head. "Stevie, we're not the ones having double standards. You find someone to compete with that huge IQ of yours, you ignore how bloody horrible they are. Let me give you a little insight on something; just cause they treat you nicely, doesn't make them any less of douchebags. Do you get that?"

"I'm aware, Ashton."

"Really?"

"Yes!"

"Then you—"

"Ashton stop," Liam interjected, for a first he'd sharply spoke back to one of her bite backs. I was glad for it too, everything in me was growing on edge and I wasn't confident I could keep my head cool at the moment.

Though his austere tone, he regarded Ashton with soft eyes. I felt a shift when he steadied them on me. "Stevie," he began and already I knew, I wouldn't like what was to follow. "We didn't come to just ambush you and make judgements."

I passed a dubious look to the girl beside him who was still fuming. Then dropped my eyes to my duvet, weaving my fingers around the fabric in aim to channel this jitteriness into anything else. "Then what? I told you, we were only playing board games and you won't even believe me."

"No, that's not what we're upset about here," he declared. "You didn't care to be straight with us. I mean, if that's all it was then what would be the problem in sharing it?"

"Cause you guys hate Garren and you'd assume I was choosing him over you-

"This isn't about Garren! This is about you choosing to keep it to yourself deliberately."

I squeezed my hold. "So?"

"You hid it from us. Like you felt you couldn't trust me and Ash. That is why we're upset."

My gaze snapped back to the pair, eager to see what look they had on after saying that. After clawing at a wound I'd done everything to patch up. Did they know?

They stared back, expectantly with arms crossed and this derogative demeanour at my stumped state they thought was from not realising my own actions.

I could feel my nails digging in irrespective of the cloth in between. "Because I hid it, that means I don't trust you?"

"Yes, Stevie."

I could feel my eyes itching to blink, even just to twitch at the smouldering sting rising at my skull. I wouldn't yield to it, if I did, the tears would have a crack to slip through.

My bottom lip quivered before a barrel of laughter emerged. The two looked at me as if I was the insane one here.

"Oh, okay so I'm the one who doesn't have trust? That's great, just amazing. Did you get that from your psych class? Tell me, Liam what does it say about people who date behind their friend's back?"

I'd never seen faces turn so pale simultaneously before that moment. It was clear in their widened eyes they hadn't the faintest clue that I knew.

That I knew why Liam was wearing woman's deodorant which so happened to be the same as Ashton's favourite.

That I knew on nights Ashton's folks wouldn't be home until the next day, the pair would turn up on my way to school in the same direction despite their homes being located on opposite ends.

That I knew why at times when I found them together at our table before me, they'd have discussions that always abruptly stopped when they saw me.

Or how Liam seemed to constantly look for any excuse to engage in a bicker. Or Ashton never left an opportunity to touch him, especially through playful hits at his insults.

I used to think before that it was all in my head. That these patterns were something that grew from longtime friendships. I'd justify that there were no signs of it with me because they'd came into my life only seven months ago. I couldn't understand why if I was alone with Ashton and she texted Liam, I felt like I was the one who was miles away.

Then it sunk in last month. It wasn't my imagination.

"I kept waiting for you to tell me," I confessed. "You know, maybe you were just nervous or embarrassed. Just any excuse as to why I was kept in the dark."

Their seemingly guilty expressions that surfaced slightly irritated me more than anything else, but I pushed down the thought. "So l wanna hear it," I demanded.

Ashton's lips were pursed, that fiery rage that was vibrant, untraceable now and Liam couldn't even look me in the eye.

"Why aren't you speaking? I said I wanna hear it." My voice more than a little hoarse from my struggle to keep composed.

Ashton swallowed. "We didn't plan to keep it from you. It just, kind of happened. See, when we first started talking and I got to know you, remember that time I invited you over for a sleepover? Just the two of us and you told me you fancied Liam."

I pretended not to register the boy's lack of reaction at that and kept my eyes trained on Ashton. "Yes?"

"When you told me, I had actually just asked out Liam the day before."

I wasn't sure what sort of look I had that made her hesitate. All I was aware of was the grief that flooded my insides at hearing the statement. Seven months. They lied and hid their relationship from me since the start of everything.

"I had no idea you felt that way, Stevie. I swear." Hee voice flustered in a state I'd never heard from the girl before. "But I still felt so horrible because I really liked you, and I wanted us to be friends. I wanted all three of us to be friends.

So I got scared to tell you we were together. I didn't want to trample all over your feelings. If I had seriously hurt you, I wasn't sure who you'd well, turn to s-since..."

"I was some geeky loner?" I supplied, sensing her difficulty to spit out the word. It wasn't like it was taboo or something. Nor was I ashamed of having the title.

"You didn't hang out with anyone else besides us." She settled to put it, like the delicacy was necessary. Did I seem so fragile? "I was scared you'd be alone so I got Liam to agree that we'd keep a low profile."

"Until I had other people to cling onto?"

"No," Ashton quickly denied.

"Wasn't that it, exactly?" chided Liam, finally growing the nerve to speak. "You just got all possessive because she did everything you said so you didn't want her having other friends."

"What? No I wasn't! I—"

"I don't care what the plan was," I interrupted. Both pairs of eyes gravitated to me. "You both know I like Shaun now. So why were you still hiding it?"

"Me and Liam were going to but then The Aces kept popping into the picture and it never felt like the right time."

"That's your excuse then? Bad timing?" I concluded.

Their demeanour were timid and abashed, they exchanged that look which was really starting to tick me off. Couldn't they look at me first? Just for once. Just for once couldn't it be me before them?

"Stevie, we're really sorry—"

"Don't." That was the last thing I was willing to grind my teeth through. "Just, don't okay? Please." I heaved a long since suppressed sigh, the pang at the back of my skull too heavy to keep my gaze up. "I've got homework I need to get started on."

I couldn't even call it a lie when no one knew it was true but I didn't know what else to politely say. I was tired of talking.

"Okay," conceded Ashton. "We'll um, just go."

"You can call us if you... yeah."

I listened to their feet pad along the carpeted floor, the knob clicking open and the door resounding their leave. Strangely, the first feeling I felt in being in an empty room was a large weightlessness off my shoulders.

I laid back on my bed and surrendered to my eyelids plea to drop. It didn't take more than a second before I felt the sudden moisture along my cheeks.