Chapter 31

ROCCO

The next day we had to go to school.

We woke at 6, when it was still dark - well, I'm pretty sure we did, but everything felt like a dream. I wondered if the football tournament hadn't even happened, if I'd just imagined Jax's furious, earth-shattering confessions, then his mouth on mine, and that I was still imagining waking up beside him on the old couch now, limbs sore (tangled with his) and mind exultant.

We squeezed out through the barely-open doorway again into fresh blue morning air, climbed quietly down the ladder, and jogged quickly around the corner, so as not to be seen. The storm had stopped, and everything was wet and clean. The building looked so different in the weak light than it had looked last night, in the pouring rain.

I called an Uber, and asked the driver to take us to my house.

Jax looked at me quickly.

He'd nearly lived at my house, back when we were friends. The only time he'd returned was that night when he'd climbed through my window, drunk off his face, and beat me up and then kissed me.

I tried not to smile. "What?" I said. "We can shower and get a change of clothes."

He paused, eyes flicking to the rearview mirror where he could see the face of the driver reflected. Had I said something that might give us away?

He looked back to me. "Together?"

"What?"

"Can we shower together?" A nasty grin was creeping over his face.

My heart stopped in my chest. "Uhhh..."

He leaned back, satisfied with the effects of his teasing. "All my shit is soaked, though. "

I cleared my throat, "You can - you can wear something of mine. "

He turned his face out to the window, but I saw his cheek curve into a smile.

My house was silent as we entered. My family typically didn't wake up until later. We crept up the stairs to my room, which my mom had tidied and vacuumed while I was gone, bless her.

I was very conscious of Jax's eyes, roaming over every polished surface, very conscious of his presence in my room. For the first time, I felt the difference in our families' financial situations - something I had never noticed when I was younger.

I got him a fresh towel, some of my clothes. He already knew I had an en suite bathroom - he already knew his whole way around the house.

"You're really not coming?" He teased as he took them.

I felt my face flush again. "Shut up. " I muttered.

He paused, stared at me. "I mean it. " He said, quietly. "I mean everything I say to you."

Silence. I bit the inside of my cheek.

"No." I said. "I'm saving you for later. Not before school. Not while my parents are in the other room."

He stared at me for a bit longer, and then a grin crept slowly up the side of his face.

"Alright, " He said, a lilt in his voice, playful, powerful, and then he turned and went into the bathroom.

After a bit, I heard the shower start, and I couldn't help but imagine the hot water cascading over his golden skin.

Abruptly, I turned out of my room and went downstairs to the kitchen.

That was where he found me when he came down the stairs, towelling his dripping hair. He was wearing the clothes I gave him. His eyes landed on the avocado toast I had made for us, laid out on the island.

"Avocado?" He laughed, slinging the towel around his neck.

"Yeah, it's bomb." I said, and stuffed the last of my slices into my mouth.  "K, I'm gonna shower, then we'll go."

"Hey, thanks." He called after me.

JAX

I watched him go out of the room, then began on the toast.

His kitchen was giant, and everything was shiny. The pantry door was slightly open, and inside I could see fully stocked shelves. There was wheat-bran muesli, lentils, brown rice, chickpeas, all that healthy shit they advertise. By the toaster, there was a box full of supplements - vitamin C, Omega-3, spirulina, magnesium - I had never eaten one of those bitches in my life. Rocco might have guessed that my diet sucked - he had put a vitamin C tablet by my plate, alongside a glass of tomato juice. I chewed the tablet now, grimacing at its sour taste.

The fridge was the only disordered part of the kitchen. There was a 9 times table, presumably for his sister, colorful fridge magnets spelling out GERMEN SHEPARD, and baby photos of Rocco and his sister.

Taking a piece of toast with me, I slid off the barstool.

Rocco's hair had been lighter when he was little. One picture showed him and his sister at the beach - he looked about 9. He was holding out a tiny crab in the palm of his hand, grinning widely, while his sister, a toddler, reached a chubby hand out to take it from him.

There was another photo, from when he was older, posing with a swim squad from when he used to compete.

There was one with me and Ryan in it as well. It was at a camping ground we had used to go to with his family. We were in the middle of playing catch, standing apart in a triangular formation, all flexing our "muscles" for the camera.

What a fucking weird ass full circle everything had come to. At that moment, I kind of missed Ryan for the first time in ages. I missed Rocco, too, and all of the moments we never had because we had fought. They had been my family.

I wanted it back - the safety, knowing my friends had got my back no matter what.  I wanted it all back.

When Rocco came down the stairs, curls slicked wet and dripping, warm and damp, the first rays of morning light across his face, I wanted to tell him that I had missed him. I wanted him to know how deep all of this went for me.

I didn't.

All I said was

"Shall we go?"

JAX

Rocco sat in front of me on his bike, my arms wrapped around his waist, as we sped through town. The weight and the warmth of him against me  - it nearly enough to distract me from the thought of the looming school day.

Fuck. What were we meant to do? How were we meant to act? And Ryan - fuck. He would know about us as soon as we got there - he would see Rocco's clothes on me, my arms around his waist.

The Ambicton High school building grew larger and larger. We pulled into the parking lot to where Ryan was leaning against his bike. I felt like throwing up.

He looked up as we moved into the space beside him.

Rocco killed the engine, and we climbed off, removing our helmets.

Ryan pushed himself upright. "Woah, woah, woah, what?" He said, eyes roving over us. "Why is he wearing -  Why are you both - "

Rocco turned away, burying his face in the crook of his elbow to stop his laughter. I closed my eyes.

"Ok, uhh... Well, the thing is - "

"Stop, stop. Stop." Ryan turned away, turned a full circle. "You two are - ? You're - ? What the fuck. What the fuck."

He put his hands on the the seat of his bike and leaned, as if to support himself. "Just - fucking - just what. What."

He turned back to me, eyes wide. "You're not even - " His hands were held in front of him, fingers locked in a nearly - pointing position. He turned to Rocco. "And you, you're not - You can't be - "

Rocco rolled his eyes. "Chill out, we got soaked last night and I gave him a change of clothes. But you're right - this bitch is mine. "

He slung his arm over my shoulders, casual, heavy. Ryan's astonished eyes followed his movement.

I wiped my neck, sighed. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about any of this shit. There was never a good time. "

"Time, " Repeated Ryan blankly. "I need some time."

He shouldered his backpack, and giving me one last unreadable look, moved off into the crowd towards school.

Rocco wolf-whistled at his retreating figure.  He was acting kind of like me. "You know where to find us if you wanna join!" He yelled, then turned back to me. Seeing the look on my face, he nudged me with his shoulder.

"Like he said, " Rocco said, quieter. "Give him some time."

We watched Ryan disappear into the crowd.

ROCCO

School passed in a blur. Jax didn't sit with Ryan in their usual seats in any of the classes we had together, doing as I had said and giving him space.

I felt his discomfort at his friend's coldness like it was my own, but it couldn't overwhelm how glad I was to have him with me.

It felt a lot more natural to be with him in school than I had thought. Neither of us were interested in PDA - no one would have even guessed we were more than friends unless they saw Jax shove me into a janitor's closet in an abandoned hallway.

"What the fuck, dude. We're gonna miss class. " I hissed at him in the tiny dark room, the smell of chlorine surrounding us.

"Fuck school, " He said, and grabbed the front of my jacket in his fist. He slammed my back against the back wall.

I just had time to wince and say "Ouch" before his mouth was on mine.

Jax was always rough. He tugged my jacket off my shoulders and then grabbed my upper arms tight, pushing me so hard into the wall it felt like he was trying to push me through it. All the while his lips were against mine, his head tilted, as if he was trying to eat me whole.

Although I could barely move because of the way he was holding me, I slipped my hand under his shirt to touch the warmth of his skin.

He shuddered and went "Mmm," into my mouth, then pushed back against me twice as hard, if that was possible.

I tore my mouth away for air. "Damn." I breathed. "Are you like this with your old flings? Poor girls, they must walk away bruised as hell. "

I saw his grin in the darkness. "I'm not," he said, and then his mouth was on mine again.

After a while, I had tugged him down to the floor and his body was curved around me, hands on the floor on either side of my thighs. Finally, he pulled off and sat back against the wall beside me, breathing hard.

"That's better. " He sighed.

We sat in silence for a while.

"Well," I said. "I'm not done."

His laugh filled the dark - and then he wasn't laughing anymore.