Chapter 238 - Dysphoria

In the darkness of the night, and the symphony of midnight rain lulled every soul to slumber, Maxen and Olivia found themselves staring at each other.

While Maxen was all ears and ready to listen, Olivia, on the other hand, was having a hard time spilling her heart out.

It's not that Olivia didn't trust Maxen, or his opinion didn't matter to her. But telling somebody her concerns was something she wasn't used to since she grew up doing things on her own and deciding things for herself.

The truth is, she could feel it. She could feel the water rising from her neck up to her chin, drowning her.

And if she refused to share her worries, by reaching out for a hand to pull her up from the water, she would truly then be swallowed by the tides of her contemplations.

Propping herself up with her elbows, she eventually sat on the bed with her knees brought closer to her c.h.e.s.t.

She thought there was no other way but to shed off her thoughts that were weighing her down.

Olivia trained her gaze on the ceiling when she felt a knot squeeze in her c.h.e.s.t.

It was numbing and painful at the same time, she felt her eyes dampen as she spoke. "Sometimes I ask myself why am I doing things? Why do I have to keep pushing myself to prove my worth? I'm not even happy. I'm just… floating."

"Baby," Maxen trailed off. Their gazes met for a brief second, and he felt his heart painfully squeeze in his c.h.e.s.t when Olivia forced a small smile.

"It's okay. You don't have to say anything, Max. I just wanted to share this dysphoria… or whatever this is, with you but it doesn't mean you have to solve it for me."

Maxen reached out for Olivia's hands that were resting on her knees. He wanted to hug her and envelope her with his comfort, but he sat frozen in his spot.

What could he possibly say to a person whose frame of mind was an impenetrable fortress?

Sure, you could utter all the positive and uplifting words you could string together but Maxen knew and Olivia knew that the key to her questions lies within herself.

Maxen sighed, not because of helplessness over Olivia's plight, but somehow, he was thankful that she was expressing herself more than she ever did.

He saw how Olivia slaved herself on the daily to achieve her goals. Her schedule was brimming with calls, meetings, and meals with family and friends.

Olivia's lifestyle kept her busy. It kept her on her toes, and it became a drug which gave her energy to get out of the bed in the morning. And so, he thought. That was why it never crossed his mind that Olivia felt a void in her life.

Maxen swallowed the guilt that blocked his throat. Deep in his heart, he admitted that he contributed to Olivia's confusion and mountain load of stresses.

First was her constant battle with her father, then her miscarriage. Now, she had to deal with incidents that involved the Suis. Oh, throw in Natalia on the list too.

Maxen pursed his lips. He brushed the hair which covered Olivia's side profile, tucking it behind her ear. "If you feel like floating, then let me float with you until we reach the shore. How about that?"

"But…" Olivia paused, swallowing down another wave of inexplicable emotions which she attributed to her hormone fluctuating like a jellyfish in dancing in the sea. "I don't want to drag you with my drama."

"Hey," Maxen warned. He pinched her chin and shook her ever so slightly. "You're not dragging me. I'm tying myself to you. Indefinitely. Up to the ends of the Earth. Besides, I love drama. Just exactly what I needed." He winked.

Suddenly, the midnight rain stopped along with Olivia's transitory period of meltdown. Across her, Maxen's boyish grin sent a fluttering feeling in the pit of Olivia's stomach, somehow relieving her of her melancholy.

"You do? Then why did you cancel our date night last time when I got... curious about your relationship with Camilla?"

"Goodness, Olivia. Stop bringing dinosaurs in our bedroom. They're prehistoric and nonexistent. Let them stay in the museum, please."

Olivia snorted. She could see smoke emit from Maxen's flaring nostrils. He rarely flipped on her. Maxen's patience was akin to a saint when it came to her tantrums. Sometimes she wondered if she deserved him.

But then again, she's not bad herself, just a little damaged. That's all.

Scrunching her nose, Olivia teased, "Why are you so mad every time I bring her up? Are you still hung up on her?"

"Do you know what I still can't get over with? Seeing you in the cathedral about to get married with that 'arse'." Maxen air quoted, mimicking Olivia's accent. The two shared a laugh at how their conversation got shallow.

After punctuating his sentence, their attention was stolen by a phone beeping on the bedside table. It told them that it one in the morning as time glowed on the screen.

Lying down on the bed, Maxen splayed his arm and tapped it, offering it for Olivia to lay down on. He was grateful that their conversation didn't spring out weeds that would lengthen their night.

Following his cue, Olivia slipped under the duvet, pulling it up to her chin. She hooked her leg on Maxen and c.a.r.e.s.sed her toe against his fuzzy shin.

She inhaled his skin's natural scent, one that told her she's home. He's her home. Tucking her demons inside a closet in her mind, she sought solace in the tightness of Maxen's cocoon.

His arms enveloped her in a sense of security no one else could give her and the beating of his arm sang her a lullaby to sleep.

He would be there, calling out her name, pushing her to conquer the walls she trapped herself in.