Thrive: Chapter 14

Don’t underestimate something smaller than you.Lesson of the Day:

Mikka

Lorraine, Jay, and I fell into a routine for the next week.

We ate breakfast together, worked on her yard after that, and then went about our day with little to no conflict. Every day Jay would run and Brey would meet him somewhere along the trail. I was usually out on the porch drinking tea with Lorraine when they returned.

I found Brey to be very polite but inquisitive. She watched me closely and always offered for us to get together at a later time. I never knew if she truly wanted that other than for the sake of protecting Jay and learning more about me.

Lorraine told me about a million stories of her life. She’d sat on Liberace’s lap while he played the piano, she’d sung at clubs, she’d slept with one too many of the men in town, and she was sure she’d left one of her denture sets at Paul’s house. She’d liked Paul but then Rosie from down the street seemed to have whiter dentures than before and she just knew Paul was a dog and Rosie was a thief.

I met both of them when we took a walk to the grocery store together. Lorraine just gave me the stink eye after Rosie smiled at us.

I was still laughing when we got back home and Lorraine pulled a few stray weeds angrily in the front yard.

Jay sauntered out and lifted a brow at my uncontrollable giggling. He took the groceries from my hands and asked, “What’s so funny? Share with the class.”

I started to tell the story but couldn’t form a sentence in my hysterics, so Lorraine jumped in. “She finds it funny that that loosey-goosey Rosie has my teeth. If I had those dentures right now, woof! I’d be the best-looking 80-plus-year-old this town has ever seen. Those babies are much whiter than these. Rosie knows it too and that’s why she’s smiling as big as she is around town. Did you hear her try to talk?”

“I heard a bit of a slur.” I shrugged and covered my mouth when her eyes bulged.

“A bit of one? Now I know you’re on the same drugs Jay is because you and I both know she could barely form a sentence.”

“Lorraine!” I cut her off, finally comfortable enough with her to chastise her when she got out of line. “You can’t throw around Jay’s addiction like that.”

“Oh, honey, of course I can. Jay, you know I mean less harm than half the people talking in this town and across the United States.”

He nodded with a small smirk on his face as he walked the groceries into the kitchen. “I know, Lorraine. Better to talk about it than sweep it under a bumpy rug.”

“If you don’t talk about it, put it out in the atmosphere and make it known, Mikka, people will make up their own story. And anyway, what’s the shame in it? Jay lived a little. Now he’s finding a way to restrict that living to a healthier lifestyle. I liked acid when I was his age.” She blurted out her confession like Maria from the Sound of Music singing on top of the hill. She stood tall and proud with a smile on her face.

I glanced at Jay, who dropped a bag to hold his stomach as he laughed. The giggle that escaped from me couldn’t be stopped. Laughing at their exploits with drugs wasn’t something I ever thought I would do, but on Lorraine’s sidewalk, after a week of spending time with them both, it felt right. It felt like I was shaking off problems, dusting off burdens, and lightening my mind of unnecessary worries.

I wiped my eyes. “I never, ever thought I’d laugh about that.”

“Says the woman who grew up in a porn store,” Jay tossed back as he righted himself to stare me down.

“You grew up in a porn store?” Lorraine asked, completely intrigued. Then she slapped her thigh. “Well, why have you been keeping that a secret? She’s a locked box, Jay. Such a quiet little thing.”

Jay stared at me for a few seconds, his eyes roaming over me. Then he murmured, so softly we barely heard him, “She’s the tiniest she’s ever been, Lorraine.”

“Well, start bringing her meals,” Lorraine threw out, not at all concerned with his statement.

I wasn’t either. The last couple of months had taken a toll on me. I’d eaten less, done more meditation and yoga at night than ever before, and dropped weight because of it.

Jay nodded like he was putting together a puzzle, but Lorraine was stuck on one thing. “So, I need to know: what’s the best vibrator?”

“Woman, have you no shame?” Jay snapped out of his thoughts to bump his shoulder against hers, teasing her.

“I don’t need shame at my age. I need orgasms. Which is it, Mikka?”

“Hmm.” I tapped my chin, actually wanting to give her the best information. It was something my mother ingrained in me. People should always be able to make themselves feel good, and we’d provided the tools. It was something to take pride in, not be ashamed of. “Depends on what you like. I like a slow build, and the mini wand has tons of different speeds and features. I have to say the longevity of it has been superb also. But if you’re into a quick build-up and are ready for something that can hit everything all at once, including your a- and g-spot, go with a dual vibrator with clitoral suction. I can give you our porn shop’s card to order if you want and…”

“Whoa.” Jay held up his hands. “Why the hell are you open to giving her advice on toys but not me?”

“Because you didn’t actually ever ask for advice, Jay.”

“I’ll genuinely ask if I can have you talk to me like that. I want more details, though, and say it slowly, seductively,” he said and then winked at me.

I rolled my eyes at his antics.

Lorraine’s eyes sparkled and crinkled at the corners as she said, “You want more because you got a pretty lady talking sex. But she’s your friend, not your lover.” Lorraine patted him on the back and gave him a look I couldn’t quite put my finger on. “Anyway, Mikka, I’ve decided I’m never letting you leave. You are now my best friend and sexual advisor. I need to get dinner on the stove for us. Do me a favor, both of you, and look to see if any peter rabbits have been munching on my garden, will you?”

“Like Mikka’s going to look for rodents here, Lorraine.”

“Mikka should be looking for those varmints. She needs to learn what it means to be in a small town. Don’t you want to be cut out for the town, Mikka?”

I wasn’t sure how to respond to Lorraine. She’d cloaked her assessment of me in a dare and I wanted to prove to her I could do anything but looking for small animals that could bite me sounded insane. I was a city girl through and through. I would call pest control or something.

“Oh, forget it. Jay, get the rabbits out of my garden if they’re in there.” She slammed her screen door.

Jay left the groceries on the porch and walked around the side of the house where Lorraine had planted lettuce and tomatoes. He grumbled, “So much for this being a nice, relaxing bed and breakfast.”

My heart started beating a little faster as I rounded the corner too. I’d never encountered a bunny in the wild. I tried to be brave, though. “So, one time our porn shop had a snake in it.”

“Really?” Jay sounded interested as he walked through a row of small tomato vines. “You kill it?”

“Well, no. I called pest control.”

He scratched the scruff of his face to hide what I am sure was a condescending smile.

“It was huge. And poisonous.”

“Well, then, a bunny won’t be too much for you to handle. Not that we should be working at all.”

“Honestly, I’m surprised I’m actually having a good time at Lorraine’s Little Lodge,” I admitted as I followed him.

He nodded as he touched a plant that looked like it had been chewed through. “Hard not to love her and her crazy ways even if we are sifting through plants to find rodents.”

“Are there really bunnies that come to—” I gasped and grabbed Jay’s arm, pointing. Right in front of us was the smallest, cutest, furriest brown bunny with tiny ears that were tilting towards us.

“There’s Peter Rabbit,” Jay murmured.

The bunny stared at us.

We stared at it.

I could do this. It was the least I could do to prove myself to Jay, to Lorraine too.

I took a deep, steadying breath and did what any sane person would do if their garden was under attack. I launched toward the creature, arms wide, fully confident that I could outrun the little thing.

It darted like a lightning bolt, faster than a cheetah, I swear. It moved just out of my reach as I landed in a pile of wet soil.

The rabbit scurried toward Jay, too frightened to realize there was another opponent to outmaneuver.

“Jay! Get him!” I scrambled up, full of mud, but completely rejuvenated when I saw we could have him if Jay just dove in like I did.

“Get him?” He lifted his eyebrows and tilted his head.

I zig zagged as I saw the bunny, now darting back and forth after spotting Jay. “Yes!” I ran toward him again. I pointed toward Jay’s feet. The rabbit was running straight toward him, obviously scared beyond comprehending that it was heading straight into danger. “We got him, now!”

I launched myself toward the bunny but ran into the legs of my infuriating friend. In all the commotion, Jay had decided not to move, not to make any attempt to catch Mr. Peter Rabbit, and the bunny proved to be much smarter than I expected. It took out its two opponents in one sprint as we both toppled over from my momentum.

Doubly dirty and empty handed, my competitive spirit a little hurt, my temper ignited. “What the hell, Jay?”

I was lying on top of him, and I sat to straddle him and slap him in the chest. I followed it up with some poking. “We could have had him! What were you doing?”

For a beat, he held a straight face. I’ll give him that much. Then his stomach shook underneath me and he grabbed my hips as he shut his eyes and laughed his ass off.

“Are you freaking kidding me?” I growled and tried to get up.

His hands held me there, though, and I crossed my arms over my muddy chest to stare death lasers at him.

“Meek, you dove like you were in the Army and there was a landmine. For a bunny…” He cracked up again, unable to finish his thought.

“Lorraine has wanted to catch that rabbit for ages. It’s been eating her garden for years, Jay!”

His eyes got wide and he looked at me seriously as he nodded along with my statement. “Yes, you’re right. That one rabbit has eaten her garden for years even though I promise you these bunnies reproduce at an alarming rate and all of them look the same.”

“No, but she said…” I sputtered out, unable to accept that my mission to win over the town and Lorraine was shot to shit.

“She just wanted us to shoo them away, Meek, not try to catch them.”

“You acted like…didn’t Lorraine say to catch him?”

He started laughing again.

I’d been through a lot in my life, I decided. I could talk porn for days to anyone. I could turn up at Jay’s parties to shut them down. I could even sit at the doctor’s office discussing bruised ribs.

But this—this was embarrassing. I’d misinterpreted everyone.

And him laughing under me didn’t just frustrate me, it enraged me.

He blubbered out a half-ass “sorry” while trying to catch his breath.

“You’re an ass,” I told him.

“And you’re a great bunny catcher.” He shook his head in the dirt at his joke, completely happy with himself.

I couldn’t help myself. The mud was right there. He deserved it. I grabbed a handful, one so big it got under my now ruined manicured nails and shoved it in his face. I even smeared it in for good measure.

“Meek!” He let go of my hips to scramble and wipe the dirt from his eyes.

He looked precisely how he should.

Ridiculous.

It was only fair; he normally looked like a god among gods. His chiseled jaw had a clump of soil caking it, and his blue eyes shimmered brightly to contrast the brown covering his face. His hair still curled a bit at the longer ends but had a sort of chocolate gel look now.

“You deserve it for making fun of me,” I replied, holding up my dirty hands, not sure where to set them now.

His nod was slow, calculated, and just when I had decided it was definitely time to get up, he grabbed my hips again and spun us around.

As I screamed his name and we flipped over so that Jay was hovering over me, I knew I was in trouble. He didn’t look worse than normal. He actually looked better. He was dirty and a little irritated. He looked like a man who’d done hard labor all day and was now ready to take me in the dirt.

The look he gave me was one I’d dreamt about, one I wasn’t sure I’d ever see again.

The humor in his eyes bled out slowly, like he was realizing the same thing I was.

Our bodies fit like they’d known each other forever and had been waiting for this moment. I didn’t know if we’d avoided what could have been for too long or if our energy had just shifted over the past few months, but I knew I wanted him.

I wanted him more than I’d ever wanted someone. Maybe Dougie and I weren’t meant to be. Maybe our red strings weren’t really connected. I didn’t want to fail at our relationship but I didn’t want to fail at experiencing real love either.

“Meek, I’m trying to find a reason not to kiss you. Give me one.”

“We’re friends?” I whispered, staring at his lips.

“Friends who’ve kissed before.”

“We’re just starting new lives?” I tried again, knowing that was true. We were both broken, both trying to get healthy, both completely unhealthy at the moment.

“What if I want you in that new life?” he said, his lips a whisper from mine. “I need to know that Dougie knows you two are done, Meek. Tell me that he knows.”

I winced at his words, pushed myself farther into the mud, away from the only man that had ever made me feel completely safe. He’d wiggled his way through all the nonsense and found our weakness: Dougie. I hadn’t fully cut him off. I’d told him I needed time, and time was only proving to solidify what I was scared of.

We were done.

I couldn’t love a man who didn’t keep me safe or that put me in harm’s way, who inflicted harm upon me.

I closed my eyes and said the words I didn’t want to say. It was admitting defeat, admitting I couldn’t conquer something. I’d always believed that if you buffed something hard enough it would shine. If I studied hard enough, I would ace it; if I put in the work, I would accomplish it.

My relationship hadn’t worked that way. I’d done something wrong, and Dougie was the first to pinpoint what it was.

“I need to call him,” I murmured, eyes closed to hold back the tears.

Jay was working through what he wanted to say to me. I wished for a moment that he wouldn’t say anything, that he’d just give in to what I wanted.

I wanted to kiss him again. I wanted to feel what I only felt with him, to disappear under him and escape to the place where everything felt right, felt safe, felt secure. My hands were at home on him, and my knees lifted on their own so he was wedged between them.

He groaned and then pushed off the ground to kneel next to me. The whoosh of air between us was immediate, a cold reminder that I wanted him close to me always.

He reached a hand out to help me up. “Let’s keep figuring our shit out, Meek. No need to make more problems than we already have.”

I nodded but felt my stomach contort like someone had squeezed it and then twisted it, trying to drain me of all my feelings for Jay. It was painful, uncomfortable, and definitely concerning. He’d said the thing I kept repeating to myself: we didn’t need more conflict; we were a load of complicated problems already.

Jay needed to focus on his movie; he needed to stay sober. And I’d done a terrible job so far of making sure he had less stress so he could do just that.

Still, losing his body on mine, thinking of him drifting further from me or going on a date with another woman, had me thinking I’d do just about anything to have one more conflict in my life.

Which meant I had to suck it up and accept one of my first fails ever.

I’d failed with Dougie, and I knew that loss was going to be very, very difficult to swallow.