XI: So much to smile about

《 RIO VERGARA 》

On my left, Najwa was laying on her back with her hands tucked under her head. Her coiled black hair framed her face like a fluffy cloud as she murmured something to Rain, who was laying on her other side. Rain's arm was draped over her waist, his fingers drawing shapes on my forearm as he whispered an answer to Najwa.

I had been keeping up conversations for weeks, and not having to do that for once was like medicine to my overworked brain. I let my eyes flutter shut, the soft murmur of their voices filling my ears. As the warmth of Najwa's body seeped into mine and the touch of Rain's fingers on my arm made shivers run down my spine, I felt a smile spreading on my lips.

“What’s this about?” Najwa whispered and freed her hand to tap the corner of my mouth. I couldn't put into words how happy hearing her voice made me after a month in the absence of it, so I just smiled a little wider.

“Oh, I've missed that.” Rain pointed out, rising on his elbows to get a better look at me from the other side of Najwa. His hair stuck out to every compass point and his jaw was stubbled, but there was some color in his cheeks. My words would have failed me if I had tried to explain my joy when Rain was more animated than he had been in a while.

“Fine, keep your secrets.” Najwa muttered, then flashed us a good deal of her teeth as she realized she had just accidentally quoted The Lord Of The Rings. “Anyway.” She sat up, only to lean down and kiss me on the mouth. I smiled against her lips, not remembering the last time she had kissed me like that. “I should go check what Aspen's been up to.”

As Rain sat up to wrap his arms around Najwa and kissed her, I thought about how I no longer had to keep an eye on Aspen in the fear of him doing something to himself.

Now, he mostly sat by the radio or by Phoenix's side, waiting and working with his magic to contact Phoenix. Everyone was more or less back to normal. And why wouldn't they be? We were going to find a way to bring Phoenix back, because he was still there somewhere, and I had never had so much to smile about.

“I'm so damn happy.” Rain whispered, snuggling into my side after Najwa had tiptoed her way out of the bedroom. If Najwa's body had been warm, Rain's was hot enough to make my blood buzz in my veins, and his forearm slung over my lower belly was the archetype of robust and strong. Like an afterthought, he explained: “She’s back to us.”

“Me too. I've missed her.” I agreed as I rolled onto my side to wrap my arm around Rain. I brushed my fingertips down the length of his arm, feeling the defined muscles through the fabric of his shirt. Rain's fingers twitched on my stomach, tucking at the hem of my pullover. Just a simple touch, and already there was a tremor in my voice as I asked him: “Should we follow her? To see if Aspen's alright?"

“I guess we should.” Rain sighed, not quite able to hide his disappointment.

“They’ll be fine without us for a while longer.” I suggested, and a smile spread on Rain's lips in an instant. He rose onto his elbows, studying me.

“Can we..?” He hesitated, his cheeks turning a shade redder. As he sat up and rubbed at the scarred side of his neck, he was looking everywhere but at me. “I mean, we don't have to. Najwa doesn't want to, and if you don't either, that's fine, obviously, but.. We haven't talked about it. Do you want to? Like now or ever?”

When I started dating Najwa, I was relieved she didn't care about anything more than cuddles and kisses. Not because I wouldn't have wanted her, but because it was a struggle to undress even for a shower, let alone in front of another person. I was still trying to figure out what my gender was, and the last thing I wanted to do was to take off my clothes just to be perceived as a male.

The lack of intimacy never bothered me, and I was surprised to find out how an accidental brush of Rain's hand could render me breathless. The notion used to terrify me, as I could hear Julian's voice in my head telling me how I was just dragging Najwa along and that deep down I couldn't control my nature. That I couldn't change my gender any more than the fact that I was maricón.

Now I realize that Julian wouldn’t be able to wrap his small mind around sexuality being a complex matter any more than he could make himself accept that there are more than two genders. I knew I wasn't dragging anyone along. The reason I don't feel the need to take things further with Najwa is because I know she doesn't want to and I respect her.

“Rio?” Rain's voice brought me back from my thoughts, and I realized I had taken too long to answer. His eyes were fixed on me and his cheeks were now a deep shade of red. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push you or anything. Just forget it, okay? Let's go see if..”

Rain's voice trailed off as I snatched his collar and pulled him so close I could feel his breath against my lips. His light brown eyes were wide as they strayed down to my lips and back up in a silent question. I pressed our lips together and felt him huff out a shaky breath before melting against my body and kissing me back. My hands were tucking at his collar, sliding to the sides of his neck and up to tousle his hair.

“You're not pushing me.” I emphasized, pulling back enough to look him in the eye. His pupils were dilated and I had managed to make a mess of his hair, and it was an appealing sight. I leaned my forehead against his and mumbled: “I was only trying to come up with the right words. We can't all be good at telling how we feel.”

“I'm not good at that either.” Rain chuckled, then captured my lips for another kiss. “I'm terrible at it.”

“No, you're not.” I whispered in between the kisses, my hand sliding down to his side and clutching at his shirt. “And yes, I want to. I really, really, really do. Do you?”

I wanted Rain. I had wanted him, yearned after him, long before he confessed his feelings for me. That was the simple truth, and I needed to stop overthinking it. I didn't need to put a label on my wants and needs or stay up all night ruminating over some box the society wanted to put me in. As far as we knew, there was no longer even a society left to push me into a box.

“Yeah.” Rain smiled and keeled over onto his back, pulling me with him to lie on top of him. We have always been close in a way that I've gotten accustomed to Rain falling asleep with his head on my lap, but for some reason laying on top of him like that made me self-conscious.

I felt heat creeping onto my face and I knew that blushing combined with my paleness made me resemble a tomato. I buried my face in the crook of Rain's neck to hide it, but he lifted my chin to give me another kiss. The heat of it was enough to make me forget my self-consciousness, and I slipped my hand underneath his shirt.

“Wait.” Rain's eyes snapped open and he sat up, a meek smile spreading on his lips when he noticed my confusion. Rain pecked my lips, then explained: “We should probably lock the door.”

“Oh. Yes, let's do that.” I agreed, and jumped off the bed to click the door shut. I climbed back to the bed and on top of Rain, with my legs on both sides of his narrow hips.

When I leaned down for another kiss, Rain tucked at the hair tie at the end of my braid. The hair fell loose, tickling at one side of his face. I'm not certain why, but Rain was mesmerized by the sight, like having white hair wasn't anything to be ashamed of but something to admire.

I helped Rain to get rid of his shirt, and he looked up at me, smiling. Then, as an afterthought, he admitted: “I have only been with Najwa.”

Which meant, in other words, that he hadn't done it before. I nodded. “I sort of feel like I've done it.”

“Because of Phoenix?” Rain suggested, his smile spreading to a grin.

“Exactly.” I chuckled. Rain, just like me, knew how little Phoenix left for guessing when talking about his sex life. By little I mean nothing at all.

Rain laughed, and for once the mention of Phoenix didn't bring up grief and another reminder that he was never coming back. Because he was. We just needed to find a way to make it happen. We were going to do it.. in maybe like an hour or so.

There was so much in Rain's body that I hadn't seen before, and I made sure to map it all in my mind. I couldn't possibly remember it all, but it was comforting to know that we had all the time in the world to get to know each other. Not right then, as we were needed downstairs sooner rather than later, but in the days to come.

When I ghosted kisses on his jaw, held him in my hand, and made a sharp gasp slip from his lips; when he yielded at my mercy and breathlessly whispered again and again how much he loved me; when it was his turn to return the favor, none of it felt wrong or disgraceful to me and only then did I truly let myself believe how wrong Julian had been about me all along.

It's sad how we can spend years believing someone else's negative opinions about us. It doesn't matter if that person is someone we wouldn't take advice from, when their critique hits somewhere deep inside the unhealed part of us. Those beliefs become flocked into us and it takes years and countless of opposing memories to rid ourselves from them.

But when something big and transformational enough happens and roots out the beliefs, that's nothing short of amazing. In other words, it's one more reason to smile about.