XV: The agony of a paper cut

《 ELIAN PHOENIX 》

It was so bizarre, how I could recall every blissful second of Aspen's lips on mine, but the notion of Birdy's existence kept slipping from my mind. I could only picture her face in my mind if I closed my eyes and painstakingly explained to myself why she was so important to me.

If Birdy’s theory was right, and the dreamscape made me forget her to keep me there, shouldn't it be the same with Aspen as well? Wasn't he the most likely culprit to bring me out of this mess? Perhaps the dreamscape was doing everything it could do and Aspen was simply above its pay grade.

Not that I minded. I was very much content with the taste of our kisses on my lips and the sound of Aspen's voice ringing clear in my mind.

When he left, I went to find Birdy. We talked about important world-saving stuff, and not at all about my crush on Aspen and how I was already counting minutes to the day I was going to see him again. I certainly didn't whine about how unfair it was that instead of enjoying all my new-found giddy feelings, I had to focus on something as tedious as saving the world.

And, most certainly, Birdy didn't have to remind me that if I hoped to have any sort of a real relationship with Aspen, I needed to find a way back to the real side. Or that we would need food, electricity and ideally also money to have the prerequisites for said relationship. So, in other words, we needed to save the world.

Once Birdy evaporated back to her dreamscape, I marched around the amusement park in a long, determined stride. I promised myself that I was going to make some real progress before Aspen came back from his scavenging trip with Rain. If not to save the world, then to earn a few make out sessions with Aspen.

I scrutinized my surroundings, trying to see past what I was always seeing. It drained me, but it was about time I started putting in some effort. And it paid off! I had never noticed the signboard on the roof of one of the food stalls, even though it was right next to the ferris wheel. But now that I noticed it, it was hard to overlook a massive sign saying Big Burgers.

Although, if this place operated like a dream, the sign might not have been there before. So little made sense in dreams, and you only realized it after waking up. Dancing monkeys in hula skirts by the highway? Sure, why not. Drinking tea with an ogre in a tiny tree house? Why the heck not.

I was tempted to blink my eyes and see just how big the burgers were, but I abstained from the temptation. I had a make out se.. a world to save.

For whatever reason, I felt a strong pull towards the Big Burgers stall. The knowledge of it surged in my veins, calming me and calling for my magic. And even though that huge signboard was a bit too on the nose definition of the signs Birdy had told me to keep an eye for, it wouldn't hurt to check it out.

I slid my fingers along the window panel, only now coming to think of the possibility of breaking into one of the stalls. It hadn't seemed worth the effort when I could get everything I wanted with a blink of an eye.

The door was locked, obviously, and the window panels weren't meant to be opened from outside. I searched the entire amusement park to find a scrap of metal I could use as a crank, and when it didn't work, I did the same to find a stone big enough to break the glass. That did the trick.

My next mission was to climb in without cutting myself in the shards of glass. I didn't want to risk it even though I hadn't felt an ounce of pain or discomfort since getting to this place. When I dropped on the floor of the cramped hut, all my limbs were intact but I was exhausted.

With tired eyes, I took in the space around me. Behind the counter was a cash register and mini fridges filled with cans of soda and bottled water. On the opposite wall were charbroilers, filthier than one might hope, fryers and more sodas for the customers to see.

“Well, this was a waste of effort.” I muttered to myself and slumped on a stool sitting by a fridge. I yawned and pressed my knuckles into my eye sockets to drive away the exhaustion. It didn't work half as well as noticing the leather-bound notebook tucked under a box of ketchup did.

I sat on the floor on top of my knees and pulled the notebook into my hands, feeling the familiar smooth leather against the pads of my fingers. I knew even before opening to whom it belonged, at least on the real side. I unfastened the leather strip, and let out a soft huff of breath as I saw Rio's meticulous handwriting.

But the words were different. I remember when we sat down discussing the rules of magic Rio wrote down, and the ones written on the first spread weren't those. Magic comes with a price was replaced with Magic requires a sacrifice, and Emotions can either amplify or debilitate..

The next thing I knew, I woke up with my cheek pressed against the book and a pool of drool blotting the paper. I wiped it dry with my sleeve and continued flipping the pages. There were pictures drawn in Rio's unique style, but not about medicinal herbs like they were on the real side.

One that looked like a tarot card, was of woman in a cloak. The hood covered half of her face and she was holding the lighter in her outstretched hand, but she wasn't menacing like she had been in the beginning. It was because I knew her. Her name was.. Birdy. Yes, of course. Underneath her picture, in an ornate handwriting, stood the words: The Arsonist.

I had this idea that I was going to find a drawing of Aspen and myself next, and that the words underneath would explain to me what we were supposed to do. But the next page was empty. So was the rest of the notebook. I huffed in frustration, because even the pages with text on them might as well have been written in Latin or in Mandarin.

So, no make-up session earned.

Or world saved, or whatever.

I leafed through the pages again, only stopping to read a word here and there. My motivators aside, I was curious to see if there was anything of use in the notebook. I turned to another page and my thumb slid against the edge of the paper. It stung.

“Motherfuck..” I cursed under my breath and stuck the finger in my mouth, grimacing at the metallic taste of blood. Never underestimate the agony of a paper cut.

Then I pulled the thumb out of my mouth, ogling at the bead of crimson gathering from a cut so minuscule I could barely see it. I never in a million years thought a sight of my own blood could be so comforting. But after bleeding liquid gold for months, it was a welcomed change.

I wondered how many days had passed on the real side, and how far Aspen and Rain had gotten. During one of our conversations on this side, Aspen had mentioned that he defeated Pierre, Willow and their two companions with one swipe of his hand. There had been some wonder in his voice, but he was more terrified of the extent of his magic than proud of taking our enemies down.

Which just goes to say that he's a better person than I am. When Willow shot an arrow to Rain's neck and I thought that it had killed him, I was ready to murder her with my bare hands. Aspen talked me out of it then, and I'm forever grateful for that, because the guilt would have eaten me alive. But then, after they hunted us down again and tried to run over Najwa and Rio as well..

I wouldn't have felt merciful when taking them down. I wouldn't have mourned for their deaths either, or stayed up at night with a guilty conscience. It was one thing to try to take me down, with all the horrors they thought I had inflicted on their loved ones, but to try to take my friends’ lives.. That was unforgivable. So, if anyone deserved what they got, it was Pierre and his companions.

It comforted me to know that Aspen had such powers, since he had a real chance to keep himself and Rain out of harm’s way in their scavenging trip. If anything happened to Aspen, I would never get out of this place, and yet it wasn't the reason I worried. It wasn’t the make-out session either: I missed the closeness of another person.

I have Rain, Najwa and Rio, but ever since Levi and I broke up, something has been missing. The intimacy, yes, but also sharing my world with someone and not feeling so damn alone all the time. Especially as my friends are all romantically invested in each other, and thus always a little closer with each other than with me.

As my thoughts turned muddled with exhaustion and sight turned out of focus, I allowed myself one more deep, vulnerable thought. What if being in different worlds wasn't our biggest obstacle? What if I was not ready to fall with someone so soon after things went to hell with Levi?

Because, if I did, and found out that Aspen couldn't handle the mess that was called my personality.. It was going to destroy me. I'm not even being dramatic. It would absolutely destroy me and everything I've built since breaking up with Levi.

Once the bleeding of my thumb stopped, I hugged the notebook to my chest and slid against the wall to shift into a more relaxed position. Sand crunched under the soles of my sneakers as I stretched out my legs in front of me. Before I fell asleep, I could make out the distant pitter-patter of rain against the roof.