I: The good news and the bad news

If you gotta burn it all to

the ground, then let it burn.

Cyberpunk 2077

《NAJWA AXTON 》

I've been inside my head a lot. I have conversations with myself, I walk in and out of memories, and it's never quiet in there. I can't remember the last time I laughed or started a conversation. It's not that I have nothing to say, I just haven't got anything to contribute to the conversation. Even if I did, speaking up isn't worth the effort.

I'm tired.

I'm tired and I miss my mom. Nothing was supposed to beat missing my favorite person in the world on a scale of Hell on Earth. But now, now, I'm missing not just one but two of my favorite people. They're both gone because of this stupid plague, Gold fever, we've got going, the one that caused the end of the world.

It's been fourteen days since the last attack, and moreover, fourteen days since Phoenix turned to gold.

And now, Aspen’s the most powerful person in the world, but he's holed up in his bedroom with Phoenix's remnants. He's terrified of causing more harm, and that's why I can't be mad at him: he never meant to cause the plague, and until two weeks ago, he was trying his hardest to cure the world from its chokehold.

"Could you ask Rain if he's hungry?" Rio peeked their head into the living room. They were wearing a light yellow apron and, under their eyes, deep dark circles, much like bruises. I could see the tip of their collarbone where the collar of their blouse had slipped to the side, and I knew I wasn't looking much better myself.

I didn't bother with shoes or a jacket, which I soon came to regret, as I sat on the front stairs next to Rain. He was wearing a frayed flannel, one of Phoenix's, and his bad leg was stretched on the stairs in front of him.

When I followed his gaze, I was yet again faced with the four statues, frozen with their poised weapons. The sight of them didn't mix well with the garbled sound of Lemon Tree playing from the last working radio channel.

A shiver ran up my spine and it had little to do with the chilly breeze or the dropped temperature. Those four never even had a chance against Aspen, he turned them to gold with one swipe of his hand.

Every day for the past fourteen days Rain has carried the old battery hog radio with him to the stairs and sat there, staring at Aspen's leftovers of our enemies and listening to old songs playing on repeat.

“Is it time for dinner already?” Rain glanced at me from the corner of his eye, but other than that, he sat as still as the statues. There was something absent-minded and faraway about him, like he too was stuck in his head.

I nodded, and helped Rain stand up. He refused to let Aspen look at his leg, not after what happened to Phoenix. I don't think Aspen would have dared to use his magic even if Rain were to ask for his help, so I guess it's all the same.

“He won't come down, I asked.” Rio let a spatula fall from their hand into the battered kettle with a clang. They sighed and dried their hands in the yellow apron, before untying it and dropping it on the back of a chair. “I was thinking.. He needs to eat.. And someone needs to keep an eye on him, that he actually eats. So, I.. Let's have dinner in their room?”

I bit my lower lip, gnawing it. Rio sat with Aspen through all the meals, and had been since Aspen holed up in his room. I couldn't blame them for wanting to have company that actually talked to them, but I hadn't been upstairs since.. you know. The idea of going there and forcing food down to my belly sounded abhorrent. Or, to quote Phoenix, un-fucking-bearable.

“I don't see why not.” Rain smiled weakly at Rio, then hobbled to the kitchen. Without asking my opinion, they started carrying their bowls and a bottle of water upstairs. I stood at the doorway, staring at my lone bowl on the kitchen counter.

Then, I snatched the bowl with enough force for some of the watery stew to slosh over. It blotted the light brown rug with darker brown, and for some reason it brought the sight of Phoenix's infected arm to my mind. I shivered, then blinked my eyes a few times to get rid of the memory.

I slipped through the door chink and sat as far from the bed as I could, my back against the wall and cradling the bowl of stew in my hands. Rain was seated by the windowsill, pointedly facing away from Phoenix. He had a tense set on his shoulders and I knew he was only there to make Rio feel better. Rio, who was looking in the general direction of the bed, a greenish shade on their face.

And even so, none of us looked as poor as Aspen did. He was slouched on the floor by the bed, his greasy hair hanging around his pale, stubbled face and staring down at his bowl with little appetite or interest. He still wore the same shirt and trousers he had worn that day and, after over two weeks without showering, he wasn't smelling of roses.

“Eat.” Rio whispered, and kept staring at Aspen, until he picked up the bowl. He was merely turning the spoon, but Rio seemed content with his compliance. “Okay: the good news and the bad news.”

“I..” Aspen hung his head, falling silent. My eyes flicked from Aspen to Rio and back, as I was trying to figure out what it was all about.

“Fine, I'll start.” Rio decided, their voice light and conversational, if not a little strained. “The good news is that we're all here in this room together. The bad.. We're out of ramps.”

I was so close at scoffing at how ridiculous Rio's bad news was, when compared to the massive clusterfuck our world had become. I held back the scoff, because I realized it was probably the point of the game: to take Aspen's mind off the massive clusterfuck the world had become and what was his part in it.

“My good news is that, uh, it didn't rain today.” Rain rubbed at the side of his neck, smiling sheepishly. He must have come up with a similar conclusion with the gist of the game, as he went on: “And the bad news.. The radio keeps getting off tune, and it's just static, but I guess it's only a matter of a time before the last channel stops broadcasting.”

Rio smiled as they gazed at Rain. As I didn't offer my good or bad news next, silence hung over us. Then, quietly, Aspen mused: “Phoenix would have liked that. The music.”

“Yes.” Rio agreed, tearing their gaze from Rain to look at Phoenix. “And then he would have made a point of telling us how much he hates old music or something.”

“Yeah.” Aspen let out a breathy chuckle, and averted his gaze when his eyes filled with tears.

He still hadn't had a single spoonful of stew, and he wasn't the only one. If Phoenix had been there, he would have gobbled his meal and spoken our ears off about music and that book he loved so much..

The book, I noticed with a start, which was on the floor next to Aspen. If I weren't wrong, it was none other than Phoenix's beaten down, dog-eared paperback copy of Into The Wild. And all of a sudden, it was all too much: Rain in Phoenix's flannel, Aspen reading Phoenix's book, Rio talking like Phoenix was gone and, and, Phoenix being gone.

My stomach was doing backflips and the room was running out of air, the walls closing in. I shot up to my feet, leaving the bowl on the floor and blinked at Rio, Aspen and Rain who were all staring at me. It would have been an easy matter, opening my mouth and saying that I was okay but I needed some air. The bad news was that my tongue had turned into a giant slug and I wasn't sure how to talk with a giant slug in my mouth.

“Do you need some air?” Rain helped me out, and I nodded. I was swept over a dizzying wave of gratefulness for him always understanding my needs without me having to voice them. I shook my head when Rain asked if I needed company, and then they let me slip from the door chink without an argument.

This time, I yanked on my boots and snatched Rain’s hoodie from the hat rack, before stepping out to the front stairs again. I turned on the radio to Dolly Parton's begging of Jolene to not steal her man, making me roll my eyes and ponder how difficult it must be to be monogamous.

Then I let out a bitter scoff, because I would have given anything if all my problems were just about relationships. But nope, outside the cottage I was faced with golden remnants of people charging at us with their poised weapons, and inside the cottage, all I could think about was how Phoenix was gone. And no matter where I was, inside or outside, I knew mom wasn't ever coming back.

Just like Rain had complained, the music turned warbled and faded into static in the middle of another Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Joleeeene. I was about to smack the radio, since that usually works with old electronics, but halfway there I stopped. It was faint and the connection was terrible, but I could almost swear I heard music.

Music that sounded familiar, only I couldn't place it. Its melody was melancholic, slow guitar and a dragging beat. Where had I heard it before? Before I could come up with an answer, Dolly Parton was back with a don't take him even though you can. I leaned my temple against the wooden railing of the stairs and my eyes blurred with tears.

Phoenix has been in Rain's life ever since they were kids, and losing a friend like that was like losing half of your soul. And even though Aspen would never admit it out loud, he has a huge crush on Phoenix. How is anyone supposed to move on after turning their friend slash crush into gold? And Rio, bless them, is trying to act like none of it affects them, but I know they idolized Phoenix.

I miss him so much it's like someone tore a chunk of my heart and left the wound exposed so that it can burn and ache whenever I remember that he is gone. Which is, every waking moment.

And now, only one question remains: how can we go on without Phoenix?