XIX: Not trying to be your friend

《 ASPEN GRISWOLD 》

There was a moment, in all its terrifying finality, where I marveled about the animal in front of me. Its claws could tear flesh and its bites were forceful enough to break bones, but there I was, gaping at the lethal beauty of the black bear. I would have been frozen still if not for Rain's hold of my torso guiding me backwards one slow step at a time.

I couldn’t believe my eyes, when the bear started to back away.

For one delirious moment I thought about it being quite a story to tell; facing a black bear and walking away without a scratch. If only there hadn't been a root sticking out from the ground, where I tried and failed to set my heel, and if I hadn't stumbled forward out of all things..

Rain gasped as he lost his hold of me, but I couldn't tear my gaze away from the bear's wild, frenzied eyes. Had I been any braver, I would have told Rain to save himself. As I wasn't, all I could do was hold my breath and not go down screaming and sobbing, but with even a sliver of dignity.

“Hey bear!” Rain's voice bellowed from behind me, and my head jerked backwards, so that I could gape at him in ever-growing horror. But Rain ignored my silent plea for him to shut up and spread his arms wide, shouting nonsense in a firm voice that echoed in the forest. “Get loud and spread your damn arms!”

“Are you mad?” I tried to say, but no voice came out. The bear was frozen still, sizing us up, its nostrils flaring either in fear or out of bloodthirst. I hoped it was the former. Behind me, Rain kept slapping his hands and bellowing threats, and I opened my mouth to scream just as the bear stepped forward, baring its teeth.

Oh, great, so we were going to die.

I was so struck with horror everything went white. I shut my eyes. Then I heard Phoenix's voice in my head, the softest of whispers, telling me I wasn't afraid. I managed a breath, as calm trickled over my nervous system. I have no memory of lifting the gun, gliding the slide back or pulling the trigger. It was like I was gone and the loud sound of a gunshot and the recoil of the gun brought me back.

My aim was off, and the bullet whizzed past the bear without real harm. But it was enough to scare it, as it stumbled back without grace and scampered away into the woods. Then, Rain's arms were pulling me up and hauling me away, his fingers digging into my flesh hard enough to bruise.

“That was such a risky thing to do.” Rain chided me once he let go of my arm. He rushed ahead, and I didn't have the breath in me to defend my actions. Rain shut his mouth after that, either too winded or vexed to speak.

We didn't run, but it was a close thing. My chest heaved with the effort to keep up with Rain and my shirt was slick with sweat underneath my backpack. Rain was limping and hissing out of pain every time his bad leg landed with too much force, the strain evident on his blanched and sweaty face, but he never slowed down. I understood why, as I kept glancing over my shoulder, certain that the bear was back on our trail.

I couldn't wrap my head around what had just happened. Everything in my body was on overdrive, my heartbeat a thunderous roar in my ears; it was impossible to form coherent thoughts. All I knew was that I had shot a bear. Correction, I had shot at a bear with an intention to maim or kill it.

“There.” Rain huffed, catching his breath as he pointed at something deeper in the woods. He lifted his palm over his chest, relief washing over his face. I didn't understand what it was about at first, but then I spotted the cottage as well.

Although, it was more like a hut. A tiny hut made of pale, untarnished wood and a ramshackle roof. But I wasn't spending a night with the bears, and even that small hut would give us shelter. We approached it with slow, hesitant steps out of habit.

Once we deemed it safe, we tried the door. It had no lock on it, at least one that would work, because it wasn't much of a door. The air was dank and chilly, stagnant with dust and tickling in my nostrils. And it was dark inside without windows, but a storm lantern offered us enough light to see in the shadowy room.

A bed with a metallic frame was crammed against one wall, and a square table with two chairs had somehow fitted in one corner. A head of a deer with enormous antlers hung on one wall, and there was a collection of tiny bones on top of a bureau.

“What is this place?” I asked, a shudder crawling under my skin.

“A hunter's hut.” Rain shrugged. He kept  his gaze away from me and frowned, as he pulled open the bureau. For a blink of an eye, the frown fell from his features, replaced by parted lips and wide eyes. He muttered, more to himself: “Yatzy.”

I shifted closer and my jaw dropped at the sight of packets of self-heating meals, dried vegetables and beans, tuna fish, canned meat, energy bars, honey waffles and the two full water canisters. There was even a jar of Nutella and a bag of gummy bears.

“You hungry?” Rain asked as he spread out each item. The adrenaline was wearing off, and I found myself thirsty. But more than that, Rain's reprobation was starting to bug me. I lasted as long as it took us to fill our water bottles and drink away the dryness of my throat.

“Just say it.” I snapped, and it startled Rain to look up at me and meet my gaze for the first time after the attack. There was a slight twitch on his jaw, as he pondered over his next words, not wanting to start a fight.

“It could have ended both ways.” He offered me with reluctance, setting down a packet of Southwest Style Chicken he had been scrutinizing. “If we had been on its territory or if it had had cubs, the gunshot would have been a thing to aggravate it. It would have attacked to kill.”

“Well, it didn't.” I bristled, knowing  fairly well we could have ended up dead. “I did the only thing I could think of and it saved our lives, so how about showing some gratitude instead of giving me a lecture?”

“I'm not lecturing you.” Rain shook his head, a sharp cut in his laughter. He pushed his hair back from his face, pursing his lips. “And I'm not trying to be your friend. I just..”

“Fine, whatever.” I muttered and clambered up from the floor. I sat on the edge of the bed and started pulling off my shoes, making sure not to meet Rain's eyes. My chest was hollow, and I was horrified to find myself on the verge of tears. “I'm taking the bed.”

I turned my back to him, the bed creaking under my weight, and pulled the blanket all the way up to my chin, even though it had a musty smell. I blinked my eyes to keep them dry, and once they were closed, I realized how drained I was. Another symptom of the adrenaline wearing off, I think.

“Hey, I, uh..” Rain let out a sharp sigh before trying again: “It came out all wrong.” Another silence. “It was risky, but it was also smart. And I guess it wasn’t much riskier than shouting and slapping my hands, so..”

“What?” I prompted him.

“Well, fuck it.” Rain whispered to himself, then went on louder: “For the record, I am trying to be your friend. And maybe I was lecturing a bit, but just because I want to make sure you don't get yourself killed. So, anyway, what I'm trying to say is thank you.”

“Oh, wow.” I couldn't keep the sarcasm from bleeding into my tone, but when I rolled over to look at Rain, I was smiling. “Was it that hard to say?”

“I, well.. I mean, cut me some..” Rain started to say, his brows knitted together. But then he noticed my smile, and mirrored it with a relieved one. “You’re messing with me, aren't you?”

“Isn't that what friends do?” I could feel my smile spreading to a grin.

I had never felt comfortable enough to banter like this with my friends in The Before days. Not with Rubian, whom I trusted enough to have real conversations with but who wasn't the jocular type. Not even with Aki or Joan, who were all about jokes. Somehow, after every chaotic occurrence, I had finally found friends around whom I could be myself.

“I'm already starting to regret saying anything.” Rain grumbled, but his voice lacked heat. “Anyway.” Rain rustled with the packages and started to distribute them in two piles. “Get some sleep, because tomorrow we're heading to Asheboro.”

“That's gonna be a long walk.” I pointed out, fighting against the exhaustion. For whatever reason, our near-death experience didn't feel half as dreadful as the thought of walking the remaining ten miles or so.

“Well, a guy can dream.” Rain shrugged. “I don't know about you, but I want to get back to Najwa and Rio as soon as possible.”

I didn't answer, as I was already drifting away. But I agreed with him, not wanting to drag out seeing Phoenix any more than what was necessary. Even as it had only been half a day on Phoenix's side, and even as he had Birdy to keep him company, I didn't like the idea of him stuck in that amusement park without me.

It was also possible I just wanted to rush back, so that I could tell him how Rain and I were bonding at last, and that we faced a black bear and got away without a scratch.