XXIX: That's it? That's all?

《 ASPEN GRISWOLD 》

By the time I took the final step to Phoenix, his smile had faltered and a line had appeared between his brows. His first instinct was to cup my face between his palms and turn it that way and another.

“What's wrong?” Phoenix demanded once he couldn't find any signs of injury or anything that could explain the tension in my shoulders. I hadn't been able to shake it off ever since Rio decided to pick up their notebook.

“Nothing, everything's fine.” I insisted, shaking my head to rid myself of the memory. I was starting to understand what Phoenix meant by saying that sometimes it was kindness to lie. But then, as Phoenix just peered at me, I sighed. “We were wrong, it's more than just using up all our magic. There's a price to..”

“It's done, and they want you to see it.” My words were interrupted by a young boy. His voice hadn't yet broken and he was small for his age, but he pulled Phoenix's sleeve with surprising strength.

“I can explain.” Phoenix promised, and I furrowed my brows at him as color drained from his face. The boy tugged him forward and he peeked over his shoulder to tell me: “I won't be long. Just wait here.”

I let my gaze sweep over the camp, which was bathing in the evening sun, turning the windows of the dining hall golden and bright like burning flames. I snapped my eyes from the sight, as nausea roiled in my stomach. Only now, once I had seen my mother, Elyse and Celeste, it was starting to feel real.

Phoenix was going to burn alive.

He clasped my hand, his fingers warm when they entwined with mine. He had hurried back for me, if the shortness of his breath was any indication. I didn't fight him when he led me away from the people doing their best not to gape at us. Phoenix took us to a riverbank, pulling me all the way to the water's edge before swirling around to face me. His irises were almost entirely golden by then.

“I was going to tell you, I just needed to talk with Levi first.” Phoenix began, his gaze searching mine with an intensity I couldn't understand. But my mind was a tumble of thoughts; nothing made sense. “It'll be tough, as I don't have the right medication, or might not have one at all, but I can life with that as long as —”

“What?” I managed, my brows pinching together. “What are you talking about?”

“The price?” Phoenix frowned.

It took me a while to puzzle together his words, and my silence made Phoenix's hand turn clammy in mine. He hadn't told me all about his price? And if it had to do with his medication, then.. Surprise wiped away the heavy weight that had settled on my chest.

“You'll be bipolar?” I countered. “But you've been bipolar all this time.”

“No, that’s just the thing, I haven't. I haven't had any episodes since I got my magic. And it was bad before, Aspen, it was really fucking bad.” Phoenix shook his head. “It wasn't the meds, it was the magic that kept them away. But when it's gone, I'll.. Yeah.”

Phoenix made a helpless gesture with his free hand, and though he tried to look unconcerned, his eyes were wild with panic. I pulled him into a hug, squeezing my arms around him. So, he was going to be sick again. He was going to burn alive only to be reborn and be pulled back into the whirlwind of manias and depressions.

“Uh.” I tried to come up with something, anything, comforting to say. “I'm sure the hospitals will start running in no time, and we'll be there for you all the way. Najwa, Rain and I, and.. We can work something out.”

Phoenix pulled away from the hug. “After all this is over, don't you want to go back to your family?”

“My dad isn't here. I don't know if he can be saved, if he's not.. awake.” I told Phoenix, but then realized it didn't answer his question. I hesitated. “I’ll visit them sometimes, but I’d rather stay with you.”

“Good.” Phoenix's mouth curved into a tentative smile. “But if we’re going to be a thing, it won't be easy for you.”

“Will it be harder than having to watch you turning to gold because of my mistake? Or only seeing you in my dreams?” I asked, and Phoenix chuckled, shaking his head. Despite everything, a grin spread on my lips. “That’s what I thought. After all that, it sounds like a puny issue. No offence.”

“None taken.” Phoenix was grinning now, his worries forgotten even for a brief moment. But it didn't take long before his smile turned to a scowl as he gazed at the water. Then his eyes flicked back to me: “If you didn't know about this, then what was it that you found out? About the price.”

“It's really nothing.” I shrugged to downplay my earlier worries.

Phoenix studied my face and then turned back to the pathway we came from. I didn't even have the time to follow, before he scoffed and shook his head, turning on his heels. His cheeks were rosy and there was this glow on him, but his eyes were weary.

“The pyre is ready for tomorrow. I helped them build it like I didn't know exactly what it was for.” Phoenix explained, voice as flat as his eyes were dull. There probably wasn't any other way to talk about your upcoming death by fire. “If there's something I should know, I think I deserve to hear it.”

“You already have enough to worry about. What you deserve is a chance to not have another thing to add on those things.” I debated, but I was already catching up on that there was no way for me to win the argument.

“Just tell me.” Phoenix crossed his arms over his chest and his mouth pulled into a stubborn line.

I didn't want to do it. What I wanted was to go back to the moment before Rio opened the notebook. To the moment when Rain heated us cheese tortellini in tomato sauce, from one of the camping meal packages we still had plenty of.

I was so happy to have met my mother and sisters again, and it was a struggle to stop smiling long enough to have a bite. No food had ever tasted better; we were in such a festive mood. We talked about Phoenix and Birdy coming back and what we would do once everything was back to normal.

“I promised Rio I wouldn't tell you.” I muttered at last, raking my trembling fingers through my hair.

I wished I could turn back the time and disagree with Rio as they reasoned that their notebook on the real side could hold some answers as well. I wished I could take a step back and never mention the notebook in the first place. It would be so much easier that way, but maybe I was selfish thinking like that.

“They asked you to lie?” Phoenix's jaw slackened, and he gaped at me like he couldn't believe a word I said. There was real hurt in his eyes.

I stared back at Phoenix, but all I saw was him in Pisgah, staring up at the sky and swallowing back a lump in his throat; his bloody hands balled into fists, and the rage and anguish burning in his eyes. I knew he would do anything for his friends.

That's why Rio wanted me to hide the truth from him: there was too much at stake to risk, in case Phoenix changed his mind. But I couldn't bring myself to lie. Not to Phoenix, not about this.

Phoenix was going to burn alive..

..and it still wasn't enough.

“Only losing my magic wouldn't be a sacrifice for me.” My voice was hoarse when I forced the words out in the open. “Not when I’ve wanted to get rid of it all this time.”

“So, then..” Phoenix whispered. His face had turned ashen again, just as the glow had dimmed.

“I’ll have to undo it all. My magic, everything I’ve done with it. That's the price of curing Gold fever.”

“That's it? That's all?” Phoenix asked. For a heartbeat he was relieved, but then he blinked, stillness settling on his features. He didn't sound like himself when he continued: “But.. Everything as in.. everything? As in..”

I could see the shift in his eyes the moment he realized what it meant. My magic hadn't only done bad, it had also healed. Not just Rain's leg. Not just my fractured ribs or the bruises on my face. Phoenix shook his head when he came to the same conclusion.

“I need to talk to Rio.” Phoenix reeled back, clumsy in his hurry. Then he spun around on his heels and dashed away, back to the campsite.

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I know it seems like the obstacles are never-ending, but I promise, we're almost there. This has been a long  journey, but we've almost made it through! So just hold on a bit longer.🖤