IV: Rome wasn't built in a day

《 RIO VERGARA 》

All my childhood I felt inadequate. Nothing I did was enough, and no matter how much I tried, I always fell short in the eyes of the people who were supposed to love me as I am. The day I left my childhood home, I didn't just change my name; I gave myself a promise to never again let anyone make me feel like my family did.

But there I was, wandering in the rooms of the cottage like a ghost. Each day, I felt a little bit more invisible. The idea that I could see through my hand if I lifted it up for a look scared me, so I pressed my eyes shut every time I had to. I cooked, fished, did the laundry,  cleaned, made sure Aspen didn't get himself killed, and took care of everyone else's needs but mine.

The past month had drained my hope of curing Gold fever, but I still wanted to believe that one day Aspen could forgive himself and find a way to move on. I got by telling myself that the next day would be different, that in the morning Aspen would come down to have breakfast with us, Najwa would talk again and Rain wouldn't be light years away from me.

But the more days passed by without change, the more tired I became. The more tired I became, the angrier I grew. I was angry, because everything was wrong and there was nothing I could do to fix any of it. I was angry, because I didn't run away from my family and built another one just to watch it perish and fall.

So, one morning I went to the nearby stream to fish and I cried. The tears were heavy, fat drops that gathered into my eyes in a second and trickled down my cheeks the next. As I pressed my knuckles into my eye sockets and as I curled into myself to keep the sniffles from turning into sobs, I realized it wasn't anger.

It was grief and worry, disguised as a feeling much easier to digest. Anger was good. It meant I was finally acknowledging the wrongs done to me and standing up for myself. But grief and worry came back to the feeling of being inadequate: no matter what I did, it was never enough.

I nurtured the anger like a flame inside my chest, because it was the only way to stop the weeping. Then I dried my face and wiped my nose with the sleeve of my tunic. I picked up the fishing rod, gripping it tight as I made my way back to the cabin.

My eyes were red and puffy from crying, but my chin was up and my shoulders pulled back. I let the fire grow in my chest, feeling it as the warmth spread over the hollowed-out, flimsy parts of myself. I was no longer tormented by what Julian put me through, but that by no means meant there was no work left for me to do.

I stomped in front of the four statues, staring down at the guy I loved. It was hard to stay mad when his light brown eyes were so dull and his freckled face so vacant and lined with exhaustion. He didn't notice me at first, but eventually he must have felt my eyes drilling into him, because he blinked and lifted his gaze to meet mine.

“Everything alright?” Rain asked, his smile sad but genuine. His eyes swept over my red eyes, tense shoulders and clenched fists. He swallowed, then scratched his neck and whispered in a cautious tone: “I'm sorry..?”

I set the fishing rod to lean against Pierre's raised arm and pressed my hands to my sides. It was impossible to stay mad at someone whose first reaction was to apologize and ask if I'm alright, and my words lacked the commanding edge I was aiming for: “I've been the only one keeping us alive for a month now, and that ends today. I'm exhausted.”

“Okay..” Rain started to say as he levered himself up from the stairs with his arms. He was careful not to put weight on his bad leg, and I felt like the worst partner in the world.

“I can't do it all. I'm glad you're resting your leg, but there's things you can do without causing more damage to it. You don't have to go from one extreme to another and..” My voice cracked, and I clenched my fists to find the strength to go on. I had rehearsed it all, and I was going to finish no matter what. “We already lost Phoenix, and Birdy too. We can't lose you.”

“I'm sorry.” Rain breathed, spreading his arms as his eyes filled with tears. I threw myself in his arms and wrapped mine around his waist, clutching at the coarse material of his flannel. I let the anger flame out, I didn't need it with Rain, and grief, sorrow and relief flooded into me. “I'm right here.”

He had said those same words to Phoenix once. He disappeared then and he came back after those words. I wanted to believe this time it would be the same, but I worried. I worried, because back then Phoenix had returned too. He had woken up from his coma and Rain had stopped slipping away to his hunting trips. Phoenix wasn't coming back this time.

“I need you here.” I whispered, burying my face in the crook of his shoulder. “I love you.”

Rain let out a soft breath at that and held the back of my head while kissing my temple. Had I said it to him before, I couldn't remember. When Rain murmured: “I love you more.”, I lifted my head from his shoulder and kissed him softly on the lips. After the kiss, Rain promised with new certainty: “I'm not going anywhere.”

“You can miss him and you can be sad.” I told him and kissed the hollow of his cheek. “Just do it with us.”

“I know, I just..” Rain's eyes flickered to the radio and he furrowed his brows, hesitating. “I feel like I should be listening to that channel. I don't know why, but it feels important.”

“Take it with you?” I suggested.

“Nah, it's silly.” Rain shook his head. He pulled away from me and switched off the radio. “What can I do for you?”

“We need food.” I stopped to consider and I let my gaze wander, somehow ending up staring at Pierre and the others. The four golden statues with axes, guns and bows were hard not to stare at, whether or not you wanted to. “Fish should do fine.”

“We can keep an eye for sunchokes too.” Rain pondered, then muttered something about the weather being unusual for the season. “If it's this cold already, it might get well below zero around winter.. I don't know how we'll get by then. Anyway, uh, I need to go get my cane first.”

“If it hurts too much, I can —” I started to say, guilt gnawing at my chest, but Rain cut me short by waving at his hand in a that's nonsense type of way.

So, I fetched Rain's cane and I followed him to the path shadowed by tall trees. His stride was determined, but he stopped every now and then. To study the plants and listen to the sounds of nature like the outdoors guide that he was. He told me about the birds whose calls he could hear and how to act if I stumbled upon a blackbear.

“This is chickweed, it's good for pain relief, constipation and itching.” Rain murmured, picking up the green plant. “Its leaves make a good salad too.”

Stellaria Media, I thought to myself. I had already written it down in my notebook, and drawn it with as many details I could come up with. Still, I let Rain explain it to me, enjoying the sound of his voice. Soft, low and a little out of breath. Excited. He hated to teach people to hunt for sport, but he loved everything else about his job as an outdoors guide.

“That settles it then.” I helped Rain gather all the chickweed we could find from that spot.

The color drained from Rain's face when he made to get up, and he crumbled the bundle of greens into his fist out of reflex. He didn't let out a sound, and he wasn't ever going to admit it, but his body exposed just how much in pain he was.

“Come on, let's head back to the stream.” I held out my hand and thankfully Rain wasn't too proud to let me help him stand up. I took the plants from him and stocked them in one of my bags. Although he used his cane, his limp was noticeable. Again, guilt twisted my insides. “Speaking of pain relief.. If I could convince Aspen to use his magic, do you think you could —”

“No.” Rain cut me short, the corners of his mouth pulling down in pure disgust. My stomach lurched, and I didn't notice I had stopped walking to gape at Rain. His voice was cutting as he spat out: “I'm not letting him anywhere near my leg.”

“He saved your life.” I told Rain, horrified to find he felt such hatred towards Aspen. “You said it yourself, he’s a good person. He’s one of us.”

“No, that's not what I meant..” Rain's eyes widened like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing from me. “I don't want his magic anywhere near me or any of us ever again.”

I didn't know what to say. Rain had every right to fear and despise Aspen's magic, but it wasn't all bad. It saved my life. It's the reason I can finally let myself love Rain and not wake up screaming and throwing punches at everyone who tries to comfort me. It's the reason all my thoughts no longer revolve around Julian.

“I would be dead without it.” I said it so quietly I didn't think Rain would hear it, but he did. The tips of his ears turned red and he swallowed. He turned back to the narrow pathway leading us to the stream, and I had no other option but to follow after him. “And there would be no you and me.”

Rain's shoulders tensed at that, but he didn't stop walking until we reached the stream. There he sat down and stared ahead with that same faraway gaze in his eyes. It was a dismissive gesture, and it reminded me of those days I wasn't wanted around. But as I sat on the cold gravel next to him, Rain clasped my hand to tell me he very much wanted me to stay with him.

“If he.. or you or Najwa ever want to keep going and I'm going to slow you down..” Rain spoke up, sounding like he had to force out each word. “Then. I'll let Aspen help me then.”

“Okay.” I whispered and leaned against Rain's side. I was determined to put everyone back together, piece by piece, but Rome wasn't built in a day and I had pushed Rain far enough. “So, tell me again, how to tell apart a white bass and a white perch?”