VIII: Right here waiting for you

《 ASPEN GRISWOLD 》

My heart leaped in my chest and I stumbled up to my feet in a haste, my gaze darting around in the purple amusement park. Blood was rushing in my veins; I hadn't felt so alive for months. Last time I had this dream, Phoenix was there.

I didn't even care if it was just a dream, because I would take a dream Phoenix over no Phoenix any day.

I sprinted to the merry-go-round, sending sand and rocks flying in my rush to get to him. Phoenix wasn't sitting on the bench. My heart sank and I faltered in my step, regaining my balance at the last minute before falling face first to the ground.

It occurred to me that he might not be anywhere in this amusement park or, even worse, he was there but he couldn't see me. I didn't know if I could take any more disappointments, any more getting my hopes up just to have them crash right back down.

I almost fell straight back to the ground as I spotted a familiar head of golden hair at the beach, half-hidden behind a pier. I started to run again, fearing it was just a cruel dream and Phoenix was going to disappear the second I made it to the beach. Or that he wouldn't hear my voice when I shouted his name. He did.

Phoenix turned his head, going slack-jawed the second he spotted me, already scrambling up from the sand. He was as surprised to see me there as I was surprised to be there. The sight of him made me breathless.

"Aspen, is that —" Phoenix started to say, but I was already at the beach.

I was a few feet from him, then right by his side, and he was still right there. Gaping at me like he too had thought he was never going to see me again. Without thinking twice, I took his face in my hands and pressed a hard kiss straight onto his mouth.

Phoenix's lips parted in surprise, and for a second of clarity I realized he might not want to kiss me just because he flirted with me, I could have read it all wrong and.. then Phoenix was kissing me back like he had been dying to do so since the day he met me. His hands were on my sides and he was pulling me closer.

Phoenix felt so real. His hold of me, his body heat, his heart thudding so fast it matched with the frantic beat of mine. His breath against my lips, his arms circling around my middle, the way his thumbs caressed my back.

All of him.

After missing him for so long and mourning for his loss, I wanted to mold our lips together and crush his body into mine until we were so profoundly tangled together we could never be separated again.

I didn't care if that meant I was bisexual or that I hadn't planned through whatever I was doing right then. That was peripheral. All I wanted was to never have to see another day without Phoenix.

I twisted my fingers into his hair, tucking at the soft waves. Phoenix sucked in a sharp breath against my lips, then staggered on his feet and pulled me on the ground with him. As I lay on top of him, our arms and legs a tangled mess, Phoenix began to shake with laughter.

“I'm so not complaining, but where did that come from?” Phoenix asked, his golden hair spread around his head against the purple sand like a halo.

“I was just.. happy to see you.” My face heated up, and I clambered up to save myself from further embarrassment.

“Well, I hope you will keep the excitement up, because that was..” Phoenix whistled. He was grinning and the grin crinkled up the corners of his sparkling eyes, and my chest felt like it was going to explode when I took in how happy he was to see me.

“Are you really here? And this isn't just some..” I couldn't find the word for it and I scowled at the sand at my feet.

“Fucked up dream?” Phoenix offered.

“Well, yeah. That.” I chuckled and glanced at him. I was drawing idle circles in the warm sand with my fingers, and that too felt too real to be just a dream. I was afraid to hope.

“This isn't a dream.” Phoenix’s smile dropped and he rose up to lean on his elbows, studying my face with un-Phoenix-like solemness. “You were here once, don't you remember?”

“I..” I let my voice trail off, not knowing how to explain the way we had stopped believing in miracles the day Phoenix turned to gold.

A dreamland where all my family and Phoenix waited for me sounded too good to be true. People couldn't share dreams. Then again, they weren't supposed to have magic either. So how far-fetched a shared dream world was after all that? Hope flared in my chest.

Once I realized how many things I had to say to him and how many questions I needed to ask, I gripped Phoenix's arm and echoed my first and foremost question: “You’re really here?”

“Yes.” Phoenix emphasized. Then, his smile made a comeback as he pointed out: “Besides, I should be the one asking that. The last time I checked, you weren't quite that into me.”

“Oh shut up.” I complained and gave his biceps a light shove.

When I tried to pull my hand away, Phoenix wouldn't let me. He sat up with his fingers entwined with mine, crossing his legs in front of him. Although I wasn't the handholding type, I found myself taking his other hand into mine as well, needing to make sure he wasn't going to disappear ever again.

“We need you to come back.” The words slipped from my lips before I could stop them, and I regretted them as soon as I saw Phoenix's eyes watering up and a furrow appearing between his brows. I hated to see him sad, because I didn't know how little time we had and wanted every second to pass with a smile on his face.

“I can't.” Phoenix muttered, and I felt like I had plummeted into an ice cold water, my lungs constricting by the shock of it. Hope was a dangerous thing, and one of these days it was going to be the end of me. “You won't believe how fucking much I want to, I just don't know how to do it yet.”

“I'll help.” I offered, giving his hands a firm squeeze. “I'll do anything.”

“Anything?” The corners of Phoenix's mouth pulled upwards. But he grew serious as he lifted my hands to his mouth, his lips brushing against the backs of my hands. My breath caught at the unexpected intimacy of it.

I nodded, not trusting my voice. Phoenix then lowered our joined hands back to his bent knee. He fixed his eyes on me, the gold swirling in his irises, and said: “Well, you could start by listening to the radio. Like I always say, it's all about music. You heard me calling you back, right? And that's why you're here now?”

“It was you?” I let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding. Then I let out a pained chuckle, shaking my head as I admitted out loud: “God, I was afraid I was losing my mind.”

“So Birdy was right.” Phoenix hummed, nodding his head in agreement. “You don't believe in y—”

But I couldn't pay attention to his words or put a face to the name, because the beach had started to swim in my vision. Like someone was shaking me, but somewhere far in the distance. Then I heard a shrill, spooked voice calling my name, and it all came back to me in an instant.

“Phoenix.” I cut Phoenix short, clutching his hands as color drained from my face and my eyes widened with panic. “We’re leaving. I was packing and saying goodbyes to you. We are leaving the cottage.”

“What?” Hurt flashed in Phoenix's eyes, his lips parting.

Aspen.

“It's been over a month, and they’re lost without you.” I rushed to explain, wanting to take away that hurt from Phoenix's eyes. I did that, as something I said made his eyebrows pull up in surprise. “You asked me to take them away from the cottage and to make sure they were okay.”

Aspen, hey.

“Hell no, don't do that.” Phoenix gasped. “You have to stay.”

“I know, I won't leave you.” I promised. “I'll tell them you're not gone, and we won't go anywhere. Phoenix, I promise.”

“Tell them that I miss them too, and that I will come back for them. For all of you. And for fuck's sake, they'll have to listen to their gut feelings. If they feel or hear something it'll be me.” Phoenix swallowed, his eyes reddening up as he blinked and drew in a shaky breath. “And tell them that I, uh, that I'm okay in here. They won't have to worry about me.”

“I will.” I gripped Phoenix's hands tighter, because someone was pulling me away from him and I wasn't going to leave him here all on his own.

“You have to go now.” Phoenix told me, fighting to keep his face neutral. He pressed one more kiss on my lips, letting go of my hands. “I'll be right here waiting for you.”

“I don't want to leave you here all alone.” I huffed, desperate rather than mad. Phoenix's eyes widened and he clasped my hands again.

“Oh fuck, you've got to tell Najwa that —” But I never heard what it was that I was supposed to tell her, because I was back in the cottage, somehow splayed on the floor with a pale as a ghost Rio. I could still feel Phoenix's kiss lingering on my lips, and the touch of his hands on mine.

“What did you do?” Rio whispered, red splotches appearing on their cheeks and neck. “I couldn't wake you up, I thought you did something stupid to yourself and.. You scared me.”

“Rio.” A smile that would have sent me straight to a mental ward in any other circumstances crept on my face, and I lurched forward to clasp Rio's hands. They were cold and dry, the opposite of Phoenix’s warm touch seconds ago. A laugh, thin and crude, escaped my lips. “I saw Phoenix. He's not gone.”