18. No point

Chapter 18: No point

Kelsey's POV

*****

It had been a couple of days since the day Ethan and I kissed. Everything was so awkward between us ever since it happened, we hadn't even been able to talk about it.

After he kissed me, Ethan just said sorry and walked out, leaving me standing there not able to understand what had just happened.

Every time we saw each other after that we just walked the other way, each trying to avoid the other and I didn't like that. I wanted Ethan and I to be friends again and not act all weird and pretend like the other didn't exist.

After five days of just ignoring each other's existence, I had finally built up the courage to go talk to him.

I went up to his room and knocked on the door, waiting for him to open. As soon as the door opened I was greeted with a shirtless Ethan.

Does this boy not own any shirts? Why is he always half naked whenever I see him around the house?

Not that I didn't enjoy it.

"Hi," I said, looking at the floor to try and avoid his gaze. "I think we need to talk."

"Yeah, we do," he said, taking a deep breath. "Come on in," he continued, opening his door wider so that I could go in.

After I entered the room he closed the door and walked over to me, sitting down on his bed.

I sat down next to him and looked around me for a bit to try and figure out what to say to him.

I should have probably thought about what I was going to say before actually showing up in his room without an invitation.

Way to go Kelsey.

"Look, I'm sorry for having ignored you for the past couple of days," Ethan started off as if he realized my dilemma.

"I'm really sorry too Ethan, I don't want us to just keep ignoring each other for the rest of the summer," I said. "Plus it's really hard to ignore someone who lives in the same house as you," I continued to try and lighten things up, earning a slight laugh from Ethan.

He stood up and walked around a bit before deciding to speak.

"I just felt like a coward when I just left you standing there after what happened," he said, finally looking at me again. "I kissed you and then just ran."

It must have been so humiliating for him to just kiss me and then leave without a word and act like it never even happened.

"Why did you just leave like that?" I asked after failing to figure out a reason myself of why he would do that.

Was it because of me?

"I like you Kelsey," he said, catching me by surprise at his bluntness. "I like you, and then I got caught up in the moment and kissed you and I was afraid of how you would react and so I just thought that it would have been better to just leave," he explained.

"You like me?" I asked, feeling stupid for not having realised it before. "As in, truly like me?"

Maybe I had realised it before, but I was too stupid to actually allow myself to believe it. I didn't think it could be possible. After he told me that he was just trying to figure out his feelings, I was so convinced that he would find out that he didn't like me that way after all.

Who would even like me?

Why would he like me?

"Of course I do Kels. You're so beautiful and funny, and you're so amazing with my siblings. How could you not realize that I like you?" He asked.

"You could have just told me that instead of running away," I softly said.

I didn't know what else to tell him. I wanted to think of something, but I just couldn't. My mind was blank.

"I know, I'm really sorry," he said, moving a hand through his hair, messing it up. "Well, I'm telling you now. It's better late than never. I like you Kelsey Wilkinson. Do you like me?" He asked, catching me off guard.

What was I supposed to reply to that?

"Of course I like you Ethan," I whispered.

I looked at him and saw him smiling before he started leaning in, my eyes widening slightly as I gently pushed him away before anything could happen. I couldn't kiss him again, no matter how much I had missed his lips on mine.

He looked at me, confusion written all over his face. "I like you Ethan, but I'm not ready for a relationship right now. At least not yet," I said in all honesty possible.

It was nothing to do with Ethan. I was sure that being his girlfriend would have been a bliss, but I didn't feel that I was ready for it. It pained me as he looked at me with a look of sadness and confusion in his eyes. I felt so bad, but I wanted to be honest with him. He deserved my honesty.

"Don't look at me like that Eth," I said. "At least say something," I continued when I noticed that he wasn't planning on saying anything.

"What is there to say? You made it pretty clear that you don't want to be with me," he said, clearly trying to not loose it.

My heart ached slightly for him. I never wanted to hurt him. I would never want to hurt him.

"I never said that I don't want to be with you, I just said that I'm not ready for a relationship right now," I honestly replied. Not being ready is so different than not wanting to be with someone.

"Is this because your stupid ex-boyfriend came back?" He asked, slightly raising his voice.

"Don't yell at me Ethan. I don't deserve you being mad. This has nothing to do with Aaron. We don't even like each other anymore. That story is over.

"This is about you and me. We have just started becoming friends, and let's face it, you weren't exactly my favourite person in the whole entire world when I got here. I want us to take everything slow. I don't want to ruin the friendship that we have been building and end up getting hurt," I said, desperately trying to get him to understand where I'm coming from.

"I like you Ethan, and if we are ever going to have something, I want it to work. We need some more time for that."

"Is this because you think that I'm the bad guy that everyone else thinks I am? You think I'm going to end up hurting you?" He said.

I could tell that he was feeling a lot of things at that moment. He was angry and hurt and confused. I didn't get why he would get mad at me. It had nothing to do with his character. After getting to know him I realised that he was a really sweet guy.

I guess I didn't know why I wasn't ready. I just wasn't.

"That's not it at all Ethan. There's just so much going on right now. I'm not ready for a relationship. There's the whole entire situation with my dad not able to find a job, me being here babysitting your siblings, away from him. He's all alone Ethan. I already worry so much about my dad, and I feel so much responsibility to take care of Ellie, Lara and Noah. I don't know if I can handle another thing on my plate. I thought that you out of all people would get that," I said, my tone full of frustration.

Why couldn't he just understand that it wasn't that simple? It wasn't that I didn't like him. It was that I worried about so many things that I barely had time to think about romance at that moment.

"I do get it," he said, his gaze and tone suddenly softening.

"It doesn't look like you do. You keep trying to put words in my mouth that I never even said, or even thought about saying."

Ethan took a deep breath, moving his fingers in between his curls.

"You're right. I guess we would never work," he said, making my heart feel like it was being jabbed.

I had never said that.

"Just forget I ever said anything. I can't just wait around for a girl who I'm not even sure would ever be ready for me," he said, making my heart break a little.

He was being so unfair. It was as if he was either pressuring me to be with him or trying to make me feel bad. That was not how relationships should work.

"Wow, okay. If this is who you really are then yes, you're right, I'm never going to be ready for you, I can't ever be ready to be with someone who won't even try to understand me and act like a true friend," I said, my pain suddenly turning to anger.

"Do as you like. I'm sick of this Kelsey. You're just like everyone else, you don't care about how I feel about you, you just care about yourself, you don't care about my feelings or what I go through," he said, his voice cracking on the last part.

Why was it so hard to understand? I knew it might have seemed that I was rejecting him, but all I did was tell him that I was not ready for a relationship.

Why was that so bad?

"Just get out of my room. You're just like those girls who leads a guy on only to reject them, making them feel like nothing. You are so selfishly annoying, I don't even know how people stand being around you," he continued, making my eyes burn, tears threatening to come out.

His eyes grew wide as soon as the words come out of his mouth. At that point I could no longer stop the tears from falling down my cheeks. I knew that he was hurting, that he was probably as self-conscious as I was when it came to somebody liking you, but that didn't give him the right to talk to me that way.

"Thank you for that, Ethan. It's nice to know that not only am I a waste of time but also a person who is too annoying to have people actually wanting to be my friends," I sarcastically said, getting out of his room before he could even say another word.

I never wanted it to seem so dramatic, I just didn't want to hear what else he had to say. He made it pretty clear that I wasn't worth the wait. I was so tired of having people just give up when things seemed to be getting hard.

Yes, I was a difficult person.

Yes, I was not as easy as most girls were.

Yes, I was different than everyone else and I tended to make people frustrated at how I acted sometimes.

If you can't accept me for who I am, then why should I waste my time trying to get you to do it?