CHAPTER NINETEEN

Time suspended in those seconds where I watched him watch me. Every piece clicking into place in his head. That's the funny thing about finally getting the answer you already know - there's no more speculating, no more hiding. It's all out in the open.

And everything changes.

Chris reached for me and I side stepped his touch. "It's okay," I laughed dryly, "you don't have to do that."

The muscles in his jaw were working overtime. He stepped forward again. "Nat -"

"Chris," I interrupted, putting my hand on his chest, keeping him at a safe distance. "This doesn't have to be a thing. We don't have to make these conversations mean anything more than what they are. You were being honest. So was I. That's it."

He was looking for a sign that said I wanted him to hold me, or maybe one that confirmed I was just trying to "be strong," either way he wasn't going to find one.

"Besides, I thought you said you were here to be my distraction. Why don't we leave the saviour complex to your brother," I snapped.

As soon as I said it, my eyes went wide. Oh, fuck.

"C-Chris," I stammered.

Of all the things that could've come out of my mouth, why did it have to be comparing him to Matt? Disbelief washed across his face and he stumbled back a step, colliding with the side of an end table. I froze, my hand over my mouth.

Sounds of wheels clacking over the entryway, and muffled laughter mixed with half-intelligible conversations faded into the background. All I heard was my heartbeat pulsing in my ears as I waited for Chris to say something, anything.

He took a few steadying breaths before meeting my eyes. I braced myself. "That's fine, Nat. I'll be whoever you need me to be. A friend. A shoulder to cry on. A distraction."

I tried to cut him off but he kept going. "But just so we're clear - I know you think you're protecting yourself, hell, some part of you probably believes you're protecting us too, but at some point you're going to have to realize you're not the only person with something to lose here."

His voice was colder than I'd ever heard it and it made my bottom lip tremble. This wasn't a game of chess, Chris wasn't a pawn that I could move any which way I liked - none of them were, yet, here he was telling me that he was willing to let me treat him as such.

The sentiment made me light-headed. No one deserved to have that much power over somebody else, least of all me. Why couldn't he see that?

I blinked at the painted ceiling, urging my body to keep the tears at bay. At another point in my life I would have handled this situation by pretending as though nothing happened so we could go back to fake- flirting with each other and tiptoeing around the undeniable truth that our relationship had shifted in one way or another. That's what mom would do.

A cold gust of wind whisked through the lobby behind Nick and Matt as they approached slowly, weighed down by our bags and camera equipment. Nick squinted at us from a distance.

If I walked away right now it would put an end to this back and forth, will-they-won't-they dance Chris and I seemed to be stuck in. One minute we were normal, ordinary, and the next I was coming completely undone, feeling everything all at once. It was disorienting. And confusing. And I was having difficulty pinpointing what it meant because nothing made sense anymore.

Chris studied the row of gold-plated candlestick holders lining the stone mantle beside him. My fingers came down loosely around his.

"Will you look at me, please?" I could hardly get the words out around the lump in my throat. His eyes were glassy and dark, laden with emotion neither one of us knew how to articulate. I sucked in a breath.

"Can we just..."

"Yeah," he muttered.

We stayed like that, huddled closer than we should have been, for a few long moments as a silent understanding passed between us, finally allowing me to catch my breath.

"They need to build a bigger parking lot," Nick huffed, dropping Chris's bag at his feet and severing the moment. "We had to park like a half a mile away!"

"It wasn't that far," Matt clarified, handing over my duffel. Both his and Nick's noses were a noticeable shade of pink and I wondered if my cheeks reflected the same color.

"Well, it felt like half a mile," Nick emphasized, surveying the more than obvious space that had opened up between me and Chris.

Thankfully, Matt ignored him and the tension. He nodded towards the elevator. "Shall we?"

The elevator ride up to the third floor was uncomfortable to say the least. Though Nick didn't seem to notice.

"I'm actually surprised this place has an elevator," he yapped. "You wouldn't assume an inn would, but I guess this is more of an upscale place than expected. Did you guys see the mural on the ceiling in the lobby?"

A shrill ding rang out as the elevator doors opened to our floor and we all clamored out onto the padded hall. The corridor had the same aroma as the lobby, but was much dimmer, giving it a sleepier feel. Nick, Matt and I trailed behind Chris, passing several hanging portraits and dark wooden console tables adorned in fake bouquets until we reached room 312. It took Chris three tries to get the key card to work.

"You have to leave it in for a second before pulling it out," Nick advised.

"It's not rocket science, Nick, I can do it," Chris growled.

Nick's hands shot up in defense. "I was only trying to help."

On the third attempt, we were met with the mechanic buzz of the lock clicking over and Chris pushed through the door.

"Not too shabby," Nick said under his breath, side stepping Chris to throw his bag on the mattress closest to the window.

The room was fairly large. Two queen-sized mattresses were situated in the center, separated by a nightstand that matched the tables in the hallway. In fact, all of the furniture appeared to be made of the same cherry oak. The legs of the armchair. The wardrobe. The desk that housed a fifty-inch television.

I dropped into the armchair. "So...what now?"

Nick starfished across his bed while Matt and Chris sat awkwardly on the edge of the other.

"Well, it's only...7:30," Matt tilted the alarm clock on the nightstand towards him. "Should we grab dinner?"

"There's a restaurant downstairs," I added, glancing between the three of them. Chris looked deep in thought and his leg bounced incessantly. Matt nudged him.

"Actually," Chris stood abruptly, "I'm gonna shower. Can you bring me something back?"

Matt threw his brother a suspicious look, then nodded.

With that, Chris disappeared into the bathroom, leaving the three of us to stare at each other. I shifted uncomfortably in the stiff seat, ignoring the elephant in the room. "Maybe we should do room service instead," I proposed, "I could use a shower, too."

Truthfully, I didn't have it in me to be around a bunch of strangers and try to make small talk across the table with the boys after the day we had. All I wanted was to figure out this stupid sleeping situation, take a long hot shower, scarf down a burger and go to bed.

"I'll just go down and get it," Matt said, standing.

"I can come with you, if you want," I offered, but he immediately shook his head.

"That's all right. I should probably check in with our parents anyways." He shared a look with Nick who nodded smally.

I sunk back into my chair. "Yeah, okay."

The three of us scanned the menu that was beside the TV. Matt made a note in his phone of each of our orders.

"I'll wing it for Chris," he said, heading for the door.

"Tell Mom I said hi," Nick called just as his brother slipped out of the room.

Instantly, his eyes were on me.

"What?" I made a face.

He peered around the corner towards the bathroom to double check that the shower was running before sitting back on the bed and patting the spot next to him. Hesitantly, I sat down.

"I know I was a little harsh with you this morning."

"You weren't harsh," I shrugged, "you had every right to say what you did."

He smirked. "I know I did, but still, I could have been a bit gentler about it."

I smiled sympathetically. He could have been gentler, but honestly if he had, it wouldn't have been in true Nick fashion. And that's what I needed.

When I laid my head on his shoulder I could physically feel him restrain himself from pushing me off.

"So, what's the plan for tomorrow?" After a beat he rested his head on top of mine and awkwardly patted my knee.

I laughed half-heartedly. "I was thinking we could get breakfast at some local cafe and pretend to be someone we're not before skipping town and never coming back."

This time he did push me off. "Sure, and then we can order fake passports from some shoddy guy we meet in a midwestern town before fleeing the country to start our lives in the French countryside."

Sarcasm curled around every letter and I fell back on the mattress groaning.

"I don't know what sounds so bad about that," I mumbled from behind my arm. Nick leaned back to look at me. I opened one eye.

"Oh, trust me, if we were a pair of middle-aged best friends desperate for a fresh start, running from the reality of our completely miserable lives, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But that's just not our movie, is it?"

"Maybe not yours," I grumbled. He pushed my arm away from my face.

"It's not yours either."

I studied the popcorn ceiling. One decision could change your whole life. If mine was as miserable as it felt, then why was I so fucking scared to do anything about it?

"What if he's nothing like what I imagined?" I whispered. Saying it out loud for the first time made my chest constrict.

Nick stared up at the ceiling beside me and took a deep breath. "He won't be. Whatever image you have in your head of this man is always going to outshine the real version, but that's how it's supposed to be."

My brows scrunched. "Why?"

The bed sank slightly as he shifted his weight. For a moment he looked lost, like a thought had derailed him and he wasn't sure how to find his way back. It took me tapping his leg with my foot to get him to speak.

"Did you know we had a brother?"

There was no sign of emotion in the words, no sadness or grief, only a steady indifference as if this was merely a fact instead of a reality. I sat up, trying to get my head around the admission. They had another brother. Had. Past tense.

My stomach lurched. Oh my God. "The boy in the pictures..." I choked out, barely audible.

Nick looked at me, his eyes like searchlights scanning my face, working out the words I'd said. "What pictures?"

A crimson blush shot up my neck. I put my hand on his leg, which was now bouncing, and tried to find the right words. "I found some old photo albums yesterday while you were out filming. I'd noticed that there was another young boy in some of the earlier photos, but he stopped showing up. I guess I just figured he was a cousin or something."

Water welled in his eyes, lightening them to a chromatic blue. I would have hugged him if I wasn't painfully aware of how fragile the levee was holding back his tears. His Adam's apple bobbed.

"I used to make up stories about him after he died." His voice was strained, but he kept going. "We were so young when it happened that the specifics became impossible to remember. So, I started creating them. If I watched a movie I fell in love with, it'd become Carter's favorite, too. When we started elementary school and they'd give us those 'Who Am I' sheets, I'd make my fun-fact that I was a younger brother and not a triplet. I thought that if I gave him a story, one that lasted, it would keep him alive, but really it buried him. He became someone other than himself."

Sorrow burned in my lungs as I tried to keep my own sadness restrained. This is why he cried last night. Why they all did. It wasn't the movie that upset them, it was who it reminded them of. I couldn't believe I hadn't seen it sooner: the pain hiding in plain sight. More pieces fell into place by the second. Why three strangers would offer to drive through states for someone they'd just met. Why it felt like we'd known each other our whole lives instead of days. Why they could read me better than anyone else.

Our suffering may have been different, but our grief was shared.

"Some losses are so great we're unable to move on if any piece of them remains..." I said, feebly attempting to keep my voice level. "Is that why your family took down all the pictures of Carter?"

I'd almost forgotten Chris was in the shower until the whirring of water stopped and the room went deafeningly silent. Both of us turned towards the bathroom, then back to each other. It was clear Nick was hanging on by a thread.

"You don't have to answer," I reassured him, keeping my voice low so Chris wouldn't hear, "It's none of my business."

He gave me the faintest smile. "It's all right, it's nice talking about him for once."

Nick took a deep breath and held it for four seconds before releasing it slowly and straightening himself.

"For the first couple of years, Mom and Dad didn't correct me when I'd mention him. I think it helped them heal a little, too, but eventually, it caused a strain between us." Nick glanced back at the bathroom before continuing. "Matt and Chris handled it differently than I did. They both still had a big brother. I know it sounds ridiculous because we're only a handful of minutes a part, but Carter was to me who I am to them. And then he was just...gone."

My heart broke for Nick at that moment. The world saw him as the 'big brother,' the 'oldest triplet,' the one who puts out the fires, and he carried the titles gracefully, but I understood now that he did it out of protection. He would go to the ends of the Earth to keep Matt and Chris from experiencing the hurt he held onto.

I chewed on my bottom lip to concentrate on anything other than the sadness rising in the back of my throat.

"Anyways, yes," Nick nodded decisively, "our parents decided that boxing up the photographs and awards and anything else that reminded them of Carter would be best for all of us. After that, we just moved on."

I know he wanted to cry - I wanted to cry, but instead he laughed wryly and shook his head like it could make all of the memories disappear. I stuck my hand out and he grabbed it, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Oh, and, you're not sleeping in my bed," he said plainly.

"What?" I croaked, taken aback by the sudden change of conversation.

And just like that all of his emotions were patched up, perfectly compartmentalized without a trace of our previous conversation in sight. Within seconds Nick was back to his regular put-together self.

Honestly, it was impressive. And also deeply harrowing.

He pulled me to my feet. "You've woken up with nightmares the last two nights. Both of which you've somehow ended up in Matt's arms."

My eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. "You heard me?"

"Yes. You cry."

Embarrassment flushed my whole body. The first night I could have sworn he was snoring when I'd woken up, and last night - well, to be fair, I guess I wasn't really paying attention.

My blush deepened. "So, you're forcing me to share a bed with your brother? After your whole "they won't fight over you" speech this morning?"

He narrowed his eyes. "I'm not forcing you to do anything, I'm simply stating that you will not be sleeping with me."

I crossed my arms defiantly. He scoffed.

"Okay, listen," he peered over his shoulder when Chris dropped something in the bathroom and yelled "I'm okay!"

I giggled and Nick rolled his eyes. "I know what I said this morning - I stand by that, but you also have to start making some decisions. Starting with this."

As I opened my mouth to object, Chris emerged from the bathroom glistening in water, his hair damp against his forehead. A thick cloud of steam poured out behind him. Then, Matt walked through the front door.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hi guys! I can't believe this book is almost at 5k reads!! :') I hope you enjoy this chapter. There's a lot of stuff coming (eek!) <3 Make sure to comment & vote xoxo