CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

For a short while, the boys and I laid in the dark talking. Every once in a while Chris would say something that would prompt Nick to smack him. This time it was asking about my siblings.

"All I asked was do you know anything about them!" Chris defended. The headboard behind him thwacked heavily against the wall as he shifted in bed. "I didn't know that was rude."

My arm had gone numb from being under my head too long. Pins and needles throbbed up and down my left side as I rolled onto my other to face Matt. Gentle red light from the alarm clock silhouetted his profile just enough to see shadows catching on the hollows of his features. He lolled his head towards me.

"Considering I've never met them," my eyes lingered on Matt's face, "no, I don't know much."

That wasn't completely untrue. What I did know was about as much as anyone else who knew how to work Google. When I'd found Mark on Facebook, I'd of course found his children. And of course, proceeded to cyber stalk them until I felt bad about myself.

"What are their names?" Nick asked.

Involuntarily, my hand balled into a fist around the comforter; I took a breath before answering. "Mallory and Jacob."

Mallory's graduation photos were my first introduction to her. Mark had posted an endearing slideshow of her valedictorian speech. The pictures captured her standing behind the podium with the warm June sun reflecting off her burgundy cap and gown, her chestnut hair falling effortlessly in loose waves across her shoulders. She was positively glowing. And to twist the knife further, our father captioned the post with "always Daddy's little girl."

I reread that line until my eyes swam. Then, proceeded to spend the rest of that night - okay, week - obsessing over our differences.

Which, trust me, was just about everything.

"Jacob's the youngest." I pinched the comforter tighter between my fingers. "He seems a lot less preoccupied with their lifestyle."

"What do you mean?" Chris probed.

Jacob was a typical fifteen year old boy from what it seemed. A three sport athlete playing baseball, football, and basketball. Hung out with the same tight-knit group of friends. Reposted mediocre memes on his Instagram story. Unlike his sister, he didn't spend his time trying to build a social media brand for himself or his parents' business.

Bitterness was more than a bit apparent in my tone. "Mallory seems-" what was the right word?

"Like a bitch?" Chris suggested.

"Christopher!" Nick shrieked. This time Chris was prepared for the smack and managed to catch Nick's hand before it made contact with his chest.

"Again," Chris emphasized, dropping Nick's arm back on his side of the bed, "I am asking."

Inappropriate laughter bubbled up in the back of my throat. I swallowed it. I wouldn't have used such a harsh word, but it wasn't too far off.

"I wouldn't say that," my foot bumped Matt's and I let it stay, "but she definitely gives Macie vibes."

"Who the hell is Macie?" Nick clucked.

"That girl who recognized me in town," Chris clarified, his tone flippant.

"Care to elaborate?" Nick pried.

"Yeah, Nat," Chris jeered, "care to elaborate?"

I shouldn't have said anything. "She's just -"

"Confident?" Chris interjected.

I narrowed my eyes. "I guess."

"Attractive?"

"Yes," I grumbled.

"Smart?"

I threw my hands up. "Fine! Yes! She's freaking perfect. Is that what you want me to say?"

My next thought was cut short when I felt Matt's hand close around mine.

"She's not perfect," he said, the pad of his thumb tracing shapes in my palm. I made an effort to keep my breath level but I was pretty sure you could hear my heartbeat from a mile away.

"You haven't seen her..." I whispered.

"I don't need to." His thumb stopped moving. "Chris was just trying to get a rise out of you. Weren't you?"

Chris's head peeked up from behind Matt's frame, and though I couldn't see his face from here, I knew he was sorry. "I didn't mean to upset you, Nattie. I was trying to prove a point."

"Which was?" I stared at my hand in Matt's, our fingers resting in the shrinking gap between us.

"Don't you think you're being a little harsh?"

My assessment of Mallory was obviously clouded by jealousy, or at least some variation of resentment, but I couldn't help it. She was young, brilliant, beautiful, running social media accounts like some internet mogul and while she may not have had a platform as big as the boys' - she was certainly on her way there. Seeing her was like holding a magnifying glass up to all of my own shortcomings. The logical part of my brain understood that comparing myself to her was unfair, we could exist at the same time without canceling the other out; yet, the hurt, still-dealing-with-being-abandoned version of myself turned any semblance of joy about finding out I had a sister into anger.

She was chosen and I was not.

"You're all of those things, too," Chris added when I didn't respond.

"And so much more." Matt squeezed my fingers.

I wasn't looking for compliments, especially from them. My insecurities were my own and they weren't going to be cured by either of their praise. But I appreciated the effort.

I untangled my hand from Matt's, widening the space between us again. "Who knows, maybe tomorrow will turn us into one big happy family."

⎯

I couldn't sleep.

Thoughts swirled around my head like little cartoon birds. One intrusive thought after another, round and round and round. To keep myself from tossing and turning I tucked my hands under my pillow and faced the wall.

Muffled snores came from across the room. Every so often Chris would moan or mumble incoherent words in his sleep. I counted how many times the pipes rattled from a toilet flush somewhere in the hotel. So far it's been fourteen.

Matt twitched in his sleep, his knee colliding with the back of my leg. I rolled over. His dark brows pinched in the middle and the corners of his lips twitched like he was having an intense conversation in a dream. I brushed a strand of hair away from his forehead and he relaxed. It fell back down almost immediately. When I reached to brush it back again, his eyelids fluttered.

"Nat?" he rasped.

I froze.

"What are you doing? Are you okay?"

Across the room, one of the boys mumbled and turned in bed. I pulled back.

What was I supposed to say? That I was admiring him sleep like a freak?

I swallowed thickly and nodded. "Sorry. Yeah, I'm fine. Couldn't sleep."

Without thinking, his hand found my waist in the dark, fingers spreading across my hip. "Did you have another nightmare?"

Of course even brain-fogged with sleep he managed to look after me.

All of the nerve endings in my body collected at the spot beneath his palm. My breath went shallow.

I shook my head.

I expected him to do the normal thing which would have been to let go, roll over and fall back into dreams, but he didn't. Less than a foot of space separated our faces, and though we only stared at each other for a moment or two, time fell away.

As if testing that it was okay, Matt slowly, carefully, pulled my waist closer to him. If it weren't for the quiet breathing of his brothers three feet away I would have thought I was dreaming.

He used his free hand to pull the sheet above our heads.

Any thought that didn't involve this moment evaporated.

When we snuck away to the sun room it'd felt different. Like we were just bodies ready to give into our primal nature. But here, now, I understood what it felt like to be savored, cherished. Even though I couldn't see his eyes, I could feel them trailing every inch of my body, trying to commit this moment to memory. His hand cupped the small of my back so I was flush against him. Through the thin fabric of his shirt I could feel his pulse quicken.

My fingers found their way beneath the hem of his tee. He sucked in a breath.

I halted.

How was it humanly possible to want another person this much?

"Natalia," he said, barely above a whisper. "I have to tell you something."

My heart gave a strangled twist. Whatever he was about to say, I wasn't prepared to hear. Too many emotions were coursing through my body. I cupped my hand over his mouth, his warm breath behind my hand.

I don't know if it was the uncertainty of tomorrow or just the dark that made my last wall come down, but what I did know was that I found my nerve and I wasn't letting it go. "I'm happy you're here," I breathed. A smile spread beneath my palm.

Delicately, he removed my hand and placed it on his jaw. We were closer now. So close one sudden move and our faces would be touching.

There was a moment of hesitation, a brief second of noses bumping, a flitting thought of maybe we shouldn't do this - not here, not now - and then my lips were on his.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Y'all I was kicking my feet writing the end of this chapter!!!! SICKKKK!!! What do we think? (hehe love you! xoxo N)