CHAPTER NINE

It was half past nine when we pulled off the main road and down a dark gravel path that led to a series of old wooden cabins. Street lamps that couldn't have been much taller than I was sat dimly lit on the edge of the drives, lighting the paths up to each house.

Matt pulled into the fourth driveway on the left. The cabin was made of dark wood and had hunter green shutters along each window. Our headlights passed over two white rocking chairs situated on the front porch below a sign that read 'Sturniolo.'

"Home sweet home," Matt said, parking.

"It's about time." Nick stretched his arms above his head, cracking his knuckles.

My sneakers sloshed in a small puddle when I stepped out onto the driveway. The air was crisp and smelt faintly of pine and fresh rain.

The boys had more baggage than I did. There were two carry-on suitcases full of camera and video equipment in addition to each of their large duffles packed with clothes. I slung the fraying strap of my overnight bag onto my shoulder, reaching for one of the suitcases.

"Careful, it's heavy," Chris said, shouldering his own bag.

Defiantly, I yanked on the suitcase's side handle and set it on its wheels with a thud.

"Damn, how many cameras do you need?" I shook out my wrist.

Chris chuckled. "It's always good to be prepared." He slammed the trunk of the car, leading me down the dimly lit walkway up to the cabin's front door. Matt and Nick were already inside flipping on the breaker and unloading the grocery bag of snacks they'd packed, organizing them into a white-painted cabinet.

The cabin's interior was nothing special. In fact, it looked exactly the way you'd imagine a cabin in the middle of the woods to look. Fading brown polyester carpet lined the living room. Specks of dried mud rested near the front door. A long plastic covered sofa was pressed against the wall where half a dozen photographs hung a little off center.

"You guys grew up here?" I set the bags down, closing the door behind me.

Nick was rifling through a box of Cheez-its at the kitchen island. "We spent a good chunk of our summers here as kids," he said, a hint of nostalgia in his voice. He looked around the room.

Most of the photographs were of the boys when they were kids. Their three little bodies huddled together down by a lake or in a bathtub, their still blond hair covered in bubbles.

"Look at how adorable you three were!" I pointed at the bathtub photo.

Chris lifted the frame off the wall, turning it towards his brothers. "Can you believe we used to bathe together?" He scrunched his face.

Matt took the photo from his hands. "Don't make it weird."

After a minute, he gently placed the frame back in its spot on the wall, making sure it was straight.

The three of them looked so... at home. Chris sprawled out on the couch, the plastic cover crinkling against his pants. Nick had moved from the island to a tan recliner that looked pretty good for its age, Cheez-its box still in hand, and Matt had wandered off down a hallway.

I tapped Chris' leg gesturing for him to make room. He dropped his legs into my lap as soon as I sat.

"Sure, make yourself right at home," I joked, flicking his shin.

"As you wish." He pressed his legs deeper into my lap and I rolled my eyes. Chris was starting to feel like the little brother I never had.

I let the thought ruminate for a moment, playing out what it would've been like having a sibling who you could pick on for copying your every move and hangout with when the days got boring. A built in best friend.

I laid my head back on the top of the couch, staring up at the photographs. Having a sibling was one thing, but being a triplet? That was a whole other level of connection I don't think anyone could ever truly understand without experiencing it themselves.

Somewhere in the house a door shut. "Where'd Nick go?" I asked, looking at his vacated seat.

"To change," Chris said, nodding back over his shoulder. "Come on, I'll show you around."

He took me around the cabin, narrating every room. "This is the kitchen," his hands spread with a flourish, "where we eat."

I snorted.

"You laugh, but notice how I said eat and not cook."

I arched a brow. "You don't know how to cook?"

"We're learning," he huffed.

Oh, boy.

Chris continued walking down the narrow hallway, flipping on the overhead lights. More frames trailed down either side of the hall. This time, it wasn't just photographs. Athletic awards and perfect attendance certificates were lined up side by side all the way down. Most of the athletic awards were Matt and Chris's.

"This is the bathroom." Chris said. "There's only one, so beware."

I stuck my head in as we walked by and could make out moose themed decorations and leaf-printed hand towels.

At the end of the hall were three bedrooms. One was slightly larger and housed two sets of bunk beds. The others were single rooms each with a queen bed tucked beneath the window sill. Nick was sitting on the edge of one of the bottom bunks.

"We usually stay in the other two rooms since Chris sleeps with one of us every night anyways," Nick started, and I looked up at Chris who suddenly looked self-conscious. How cute. "But, I figured we could have one big sleepover in here! Unless of course you don't want to," he finished.

Nick was practically vibrating with excitement, how could I say no?

"Works for me," I said. "But I call bottom bunk. I move around too much in my sleep."

Matt strolled into the room. He'd also changed out of his clothes into loose flannel pajama pants and a black tee. "What's going on in here?"

Plopping down on the mattress, I said, "Oh, you know, just talking about how we're going to have a big pillow fight and braid each other's hair during our little sleepover." I waved my hand flippantly.

"She says it as if we wouldn't do it." I could hear the smirk in Chris' voice.

"Careful what you wish for," Nick said warningly.

Matt's phone vibrated in his pajama pocket. When he pulled it out, a flash of concern crossed his face so quickly I wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't already staring at him.

"What?" I asked hesitantly, sitting straighter.

He shook his head, tucking his phone back in his pocket. Nick, who was sitting beside him, had noticed too and tried to catch a glimpse, but the screen was already locked.

"Nothing," he said, standing. "How's everyone feeling? Tired?"

He was avoiding my eyes like the plague. Whatever he'd just seen managed to wind him up pretty good because his fingers were tapping at a quicker pace against one of the bunk's bedposts.

"Anyone up for a bonfire?" he asked, still not meeting my face.

I tried to block out the worry creeping into my head as the four of us made our way out onto the back deck. It was probably nothing.

And none of my business.

Metallic moonlight spread across the concrete slab that housed the fire pit. Four adirondack chairs encircled the pit covered in colorful leaves.

I brushed off my seat, wishing I'd thought to grab my sweatshirt out of my bag before we'd decided to come out. I shivered against the plastic.

"You cold?" Chris asked.

"Yeah, I left my sweater inside."

"Here," he said, shrugging off the outer fuzzy jacket he had on over his hoodie and handed it to me.

It was warm and smelt woodsy and boyish. I slipped it on, feeling ten times more cozy than I had a minute ago.

Matt was flicking his gaze between the two of us while he stood beside the fire pit struggling to get the kindling to catch. He realized I caught him and dropped his attention back to the pile of wood.

Clearly, there was something bothering him, and a part of me really hoped it wasn't that he thought there was something going on between me and Chris. Because there absolutely wasn't.

Thousands of stars twinkled overhead. The blinking lights of a plane traveled slowly across the sky.

"Don't you love it out here?" Nick sighed, settling into the seat to my left. He smiled up at the night, his head resting against the top of the chair.

"I don't think I'll ever get used to the views here," I said.

California had nothing on Vermont. Back home all the stars were drowned out by city lights and smog. Any ounce of fresh air you found still held the remnants of cigarette smoke and diesel.

A spark lit in the fire pit as Matt crouched down, blowing a steady stream of air towards the growing flame. Soon enough the wood started to crackle.

"Man, I missed this," Chris said lowly. He'd chosen the seat on my other side, leaving Matt an open spot across the fire from me.

"Do you guys remember the time we convinced Mom to let us play hide and seek in the woods and Matt ended up breaking his arm?" Chris started laughing.

Nick joined in. "Oh my God! I felt so bad because he was running away from me trying to find a better spot and tripped on a branch."

Matt was laughing now, too. "Oh, man," he said, shaking his head as he sat down. "I was so pissed that I lost, I didn't even care that my arm looked like this." He bent his elbow out letting his forearm dangle limply and twisted his face like he was crying.

We all burst into laughter.

"Ouch," I said, rubbing my own arm.

"It was the first of many injuries," he said.

We spent the next hour talking about our childhoods and all of the crazy shenanigans the boys had gotten up to during their summers here at the cabin. By the end, I'd laughed so hard my abs were sore.

"Stop it, stop it," I tried to regain my composure after Nick told a story about putting a temporary tattoo over his eyelid thinking it would flip up every time he blinked. Instead, it had sealed his eye shut.

"I thought I went blind!" he shouted and all of us broke out into tears as he pretended to walk around like he couldn't see.

"You guys are so lucky," I managed to get out around gasps for breath. "Getting to grow up together. It was only ever me and my mom."

The words snuffed out what was left of the humor hanging in the air. Warmth from the dying fire made my ears hot.

"You don't talk about her much," Chris said.

I'd say there wasn't much to tell, but that would be a lie. I shrugged. "I'm sure you've been able to tell that we don't have the best relationship."

Chris looked like I'd just kicked a puppy in front of him. "Honestly, it's not that big of a deal." I forced a smile.

He didn't buy it.

"I can't imagine growing up without our mom," he said weakly. "We're grown and still call her when we don't know why the WiFi isn't working or have to make a doctor's appointment."

In the low light, their faces were grim, pitying - and I hated that it annoyed me. I crossed my arms over my chest. "That's because you grew up with someone who supported and loved you. It's not so bad when you don't know any different."

I didn't want to get into this. We were having such a fun night. I wanted to rewind to ten minutes ago when my stomach hurt from being hysterical.

Matt had that look again. He was seeing through the facade. Across the fire, I pleaded with my eyes for him not to mention it. In the end he stood up from his seat and opened his mouth wide for a yawn. Whether it was real or fake, the motion set me off and next thing I knew the rest of us were covering our mouths to hide the tired.

"Bedtime," Nick said through another yawn, heading for the back door.

"You good to wait until the fire dies?" Chris asked Matt who was toeing a rock by the fire pit. He nodded.

"Coming?" Chris said to me, and I flicked my eyes to Matt. His face was impassive, so I stood, turning to follow Chris.

Before I could take another step, "Nat," Matt said. I froze. Chris stopped, too.

"It's okay, I'll meet you inside," I said and he nodded, walking towards the back door.

Slowly, I made my way over to Matt. The light was growing dimmer by the minute. Pretty soon the fire would be out and we'd be standing in complete darkness.

"Yeah?" I asked warily.

He was looking at me with such intensity I couldn't read I took a step backwards.

Finally, "Do you need anything?"

It was a loaded question.

I swallowed. "Uh, no, no. I'm good." The smile was so plastic, you could hear it crack.

I went to leave, and his hand caught my wrist. My breath clicked. He held it for a moment and the last bit of light from the fire winked out. I blinked against the sudden darkness, my pupils adjusting to find Matt's face in the shadows.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Please don't do what I think you're about to do.

He pulled me an inch closer to him, our feet bumping in the dark. All the air died in my lungs.

His warm breath came down close to my ear setting off all the nerves in my body.

"Wake me up if you need anything, okay?" he whispered.

I sucked in a breath. My head, still reeling from the feeling of his breath low in my ear, didn't know what to say. All I could muster up was a strained "mhm" and he gently let go of my arm.

My head was swimming with thoughts as I wandered back into the house and got ready for bed. What if he had kissed me? Would I have pulled away? Residual chills went down my spine thinking of how honeyed his voice sounded in the darkness. No one should be able to sound like that, especially not when I was having enough trouble trying to convince myself we were just friends.

Just friends, Natalia.

Nick and Chris were out cold when I crept into the pitch black room, stumbling towards the bed with my arms out ready to catch myself if I ran into anything.

"Fu-" I hissed, shoving my fist into my mouth. Chris had left one of the suitcases open in the middle of the floor and I stubbed my toe hard.

"God, damn it, Chris," I cursed under my breath, hopping into the bottom bunk and cradling my foot. If I wake up in the morning to a broken toe, I'm going to kill him.

I sighed heavily, nestling deep into the covers. Today had been the longest day of my life. It was hard to believe that this morning we were out on the dock where I was having a panic attack about being vulnerable, and tonight I was sharing a room with the very people I'd worried about getting too close to.

The bedroom door creaked open, letting in a sliver of yellow light from the hall as Matt slid into the room and over to the mattress beneath Nick. I doubted he could see me, but I closed my eyes quickly, faking sleep.

Once my eyes closed it was like all of the exhaustion from the day caught up to me. My muscles started to relax as my brain slowly stopped forming new thoughts...

-

I couldn't breathe. Oh, God. Someone's hand was around my throat, closing off all oxygen. Burning built in my lungs. I thrashed my arms desperately trying to get them off, but -

My eyes shot open. Fractured moonlight peeked through the blinds outlining Matt's figure kneeling on the ground beside my bed, his face swimming into focus. The rest of the room was still as he cradled my face between his palms.

It wasn't real.

"Hey, hey," he cooed, calming the rush of paranoia still banging around my chest.

Sweat covered my entire body, seeping through my thin pajama top. A clump of hair stuck to the back of my neck as I batted the strands away from my face. Breathe.

"It's okay," he reassured me, but his voice was thin and reedy.

"What - what happened?"

The pad of his thumb moved back and forth along my damp cheek. "You were having a nightmare."

My eyes twisted shut. They'd been happening more often these days. It could have been the stress of knowing that in less than 48 hours I was planning to confront my father  after no contact for twenty years, or the skull-crushing doubt that had slipped into my head about leaving the safety of Woodbury, but either way, I looked around embarrassed.

"I'm sorry..." I started to apologize and he shook his head, still holding my face. My skin was cold from the mix of sweat and warmth of his hands.

I was shaking.

Matt let go and tapped my side delicately, signaling for me to scoot over. I pushed myself back against the wall and he slid in beside me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

At first, I tensed. This had gone from embarrassing to inappropriately intimate and I pictured Nick and Chris waking up in the middle of the night to see me bundled against Matt's chest. He felt my hesitation and pulled back an inch. The twin sized mattress could barely fit both of us, still, I maneuvered my body until the wall was full against my spine, opening a sliver of space in the sheets.

Matt smelt the same as he had in the bookstore. Earthy and woodsy, and a little like campfire which pulled my brain back to the moment we shared outside. I sunk deeper into the mattress, forcing my head to focus on the cold wall behind me rather than the heat radiating from his toned chest only centimeters away.

I watched him watch me, his heart thumping dully in the quiet. Neither of us spoke, unwilling to puncture the moment. There was a silent understanding hanging between us, balancing on a tight rope. If neither of us spoke then we wouldn't have to acknowledge that his presence in my bed was anything more than what a good friend would do.

Above us, Chris shifted in his sleep, muttering an incoherent string of syllables. I clapped a hand over my mouth to keep the giggles from escaping and Matt did the same, the teasing look in his eyes glittering in the subtle night light.

The scene was ridiculous. Our frames less than a hands-width apart, every inch of my skin aching for his touch, his lips.

What was I doing? We were both adults, right? Two mature, twenty-somethings who wouldn't let something as silly as a trivial hook up affect their relationship.

Reading my mind, Matt noiselessly slipped out of bed, extending his hand.

We'll do it once and get it out of our system.

I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, taking his hand and slipping silently out into the hall.