Lessons in Heartbreak: Chapter 19

“You know what’s interesting?”

Marcus’s head popped up over my shoulder while I did bicep curls. With gritted teeth, I stepped away from him. “That you have a sudden obsession with being around me all the time? I’d pick a different word besides interesting.”

He chuckled, taking a seat on the weight bench next to me while I finished my reps on that set. I set the bar down and rested my hands on my hips while my chest heaved on deep breaths. Across the room, Ruby stood with one of our head trainers. He was taking her through a weight routine that would be manageable for her with the equipment she had available, adjusting her form as she did some upper-arm reps.

They’d started with a review of what her existing routine was, and with our team physician listening in, they talked a bit about her history. Because I could tell she was a little embarrassed by all the attention, I’d excused myself to go through my offseason weight routine.

To my utter annoyance, Marcus was still sitting near me, his long legs stretched out in front of him and his arms crossed over his chest as he also watched Ruby.

“Interesting is the fact that you’ve confiscated our dear Steven’s Fuck Me car and had a romantic little road trip to the team facilities—where you’ve never worked out—and your friend is also here getting special treatment.”

There was no way I’d be lucky enough that a simple glare would get him off my fucking case, but I gave it a solid try. He did nothing except chuckle.

“She’s got some . . . health issues,” I replied lamely. “I wanted to help.”

Marcus pursed his lips thoughtfully. “What kind?”

“Not my story to tell, dickwad. Go do your workout.”

“Don’t feel like it. Giving you shit is more exciting.”

I rolled my eyes and unloaded the plates off the bar, setting them back onto the correct rack. “I’m surprised you were able to pry yourself away from Lauren long enough to come into work.”

“Me too,” he said seriously. “But you know what’s even more interesting than the fact that she’s here, or you’re doing all these book-boyfriend things for her—”

“What?”

“Lauren told me about it. Anyway,” he continued gamely, “it’s the way that you’re looking across the room right now.”

My eyes snapped away from Ruby. “I’m not looking at her any certain way.”

Marcus hummed. “You have this feral light in your eye,” he said, easing his hand out in the air, like he was gesturing to an invisible board with all his notes on it. “Primitive, one might say. Or possessive.”

Yeah, well, it was easy to start feeling possessive after she’d worked me into a mindless orgasm in the middle of a parking lot with nothing but her hand and the eager look in her big gray eyes. All these feelings were like a thorn splintering my chest, and I didn’t quite know what to do about it.

“Henderson,” someone barked from across the room.

“Oh, baby,” my friend hooted. “I cannot wait to include you in this conversation. Davies, we need your opinion on something.”

I straightened, immediately recognizing one of the Denver team captains—Liam Davies. He was one of the few Brits playing in the league, and he was an absolute beast on the field. His off-field reputation was just as intimidating, as Liam was well known for having no filter, no people skills, and a protective streak for the guys on his team.

We’d only met once, but I wasn’t even sure he’d remember me.

Based on the glint in his eye, he did. One tattooed arm stretched out, and I clasped his hand in mine.

“Griffin, right?” he asked. At my nod, he sucked in a deep breath and gave me an appraising look from head to toe. “Welcome to Denver. We could use your help on the left side.”

“That’s what I hear,” I told him. Despite my best efforts, my gaze wandered back to Ruby. She laughed at something the trainer said, then adjusted her stance when he touched her gently—professionally—on the backs of her arms.

“That your girl?” Liam asked.

My head snapped in his direction. “No.”

“Yes,” Marcus said at the same time.

Liam’s already impressive glower deepened. “So she is your girl?”

“No.”

“Yes,” Marcus replied.

Turning slowly, I held his gaze before reaching up and yanking on his skin in the approximate location of his nipple.

He yelped, batting at my hand. “Ouch, you fucker, that hurts.” Then he pointed a finger accusingly in my direction. “See? This is what I needed your help with. He’s acting like she’s not, but she is,” he hissed quietly, like he was afraid Ruby could hear us fifty feet away. “And he’s gonna do something stupid unless he figures it out.”

“No I’m not,” I hissed back. “We’ve . . . we’ve got an agreement.”

Liam sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m going to regret this, but here goes.” When he dropped his hand, his face was serious. “You think about her when you’re not with her?”

I cleared my throat, crossing my arms tightly over my chest. “Sometimes.”

All the time.

Liam nodded. “You worry about her?”

Before answering, I pushed my tongue into the side of my cheek. “Sometimes.”

All the time.

God, I didn’t even believe myself with how flimsy that sounded. I worried about her all the time now.

Liam’s eyes sharpened. “What would you do right now if this redheaded twat—”

“Hey,” Marcus said in an affronted tone.

“—walked over to her for a good snog.”

Marcus leaned in, whispering, “I don’t know what that is.”

Liam didn’t take his eyes off me. “Kissing, you nob. It means you try to kiss her. You all right with her having a go with one of your mates?”

My body went hot. Despite the fact that Marcus wouldn’t, and he was ass-over-tit obsessed with Ruby’s best friend, the thought of him attempting anything with her made me want to rip his balls off.

When I fixed my glare on his stupid face, Marcus held his hands up and scoffed. “I’m not actually going to do it, quit looking at me like that.”

Liam smiled serenely, patting me on the shoulder with a truly impressive amount of condescension. “Right, then. She’s your girl, even if you don’t want to say it. Now, this is the important part—”

I sliced a hand through the air. “Hang on. I met you five minutes ago; why are you giving me relationship advice?”

“You’ll get used to it,” Marcus said. “We have no secrets in this locker room.” He widened his eyes meaningfully. “And now that Liam has fixed all his rage issues and is blissfully pussy-whipped for his wife—” His words cut off in a choke when Liam snapped a hand out and covered Marcus’s mouth.

“What have I said to you about mentioning any physical features on my wife’s body?” Liam asked quietly.

After Liam dropped his hand, Marcus sighed, rolling his eyes up to the ceiling. “Sorry. I wasn’t speaking about hers specifically; it was more of an observation of your general relationship status.”

Eyes darting between them, I rubbed the back of my neck and wondered if it was too late to back out of this transfer. “You know, we really don’t have to talk about this. Ruby and I are friends. We just . . . do other stuff too.”

“That’s a bunch of bollocks, and I’ll tell you why,” Liam said, fixing his attention back on me. “You can’t do the other stuff without your feelings changing. They either change for the bad—where you start getting annoyed by all the stupid little shit they do and wonder why they breathe so loud and how come they can’t just be a little different . . .” His voice dropped a touch. “Or they change for the good. And you get obsessed with all that little shit. Why does her hair shine in the sun? Why does she smell so good? Isn’t it cute how she walks and how she laughs. Why can’t she just be around you all the bloody time?”

My mouth went dry. “I don’t think I want to have this conversation anymore.”

“’Course you don’t,” Liam said evenly. “Because she’s your girl and you haven’t been able to admit it. You sleep with her yet?” When I shook my head, he gave me an assessing look. “What’s she want out of this?”

“Nothing,” I heard myself say. “Sh-she doesn’t want a serious relationship. She just wants . . . she wants some experience because it’s been hard for her to feel comfortable around men.”

Marcus nodded, emitting a smarmy little hum that made me want to punch him. “Maybe Ruby’s feelings are having good changes too.”

He gave me a questioning look, and I shrugged miserably. “I don’t fucking know, it’s not like she’s updating me afterward. She’s so . . . logical, though. And decisive. I don’t see her changing her mind easily. Not about this.”

It felt really fucking grim to explain why, and it wasn’t my story to tell.

Around us, a few other players laughed and chatted. Trainers filtered in and out. The clang of weights being racked and music filtering through the speakers was enough that I didn’t worry about anyone overhearing us. The vibe in the weight room during the offseason was always pretty chill, save, of course, for our little corner of the room, where I was getting the shit scared out of me by a really terrifying Brit and the most relationship-dumb man in the entire universe.

Liam set his hand on my arm. “Listen to me. You sleep with her when you’re feeling like this, and I promise you, it’ll be a thousand times worse when it ends. Because if she’s not feeling those good changes, then you’re fucked.”

“I am?”

“If she’s not there with you? Yeah.” He nodded. “Being in love like that is the worst fucking kind of purgatory, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.”

“Aww, that’s sweet,” a soft voice came from behind me.

Liam’s grouchy demeanor changed instantly, his eyes softening, mouth lifting into a hint of a smile. “Hello, wife. Obviously not true for us anymore.”

A petite woman with curly blond hair sidled up to him, smiling at me and Marcus. Her hand twined around Liam’s arm as he immediately turned into her, rubbing his palm over a visible baby bump under her shirt.

“I’m Zoe Davies,” she said, holding out her hand. She had a friendly face and bright eyes, and on her ring finger was a glimmering diamond. I had a brief recollection of hearing their story during a piece on SportsCenter—they’d been named co-guardians of a little girl when one of their Denver teammates and his wife passed away. Liam and Zoe eventually got married, adopted the little girl shortly after, and were now expecting one of their own. “Please ignore any horrible advice my husband has given you.”

Even though I was on the cusp of a sweaty, hand-clenching panic attack, I mustered a friendly smile. “Griffin King. He really is doing a terrible job of making me feel better.”

“I’m being honest,” Liam said, undeterred.

Zoe patted his chest. “You always are, honey.”

“It’s not easy navigating this shit for men like us,” he continued, smacking Marcus on the chest when his attention wavered. “It’s hard to feel our feelings sometimes, innit?”

“Oh yeah,” Marcus said. “Big . . . big feelings over here.”

Zoe smothered her smile, and I could not restrain my eye roll. “The only feelings you have are in your little head, Henderson.”

Marcus flipped me off, which made Liam smile.

“We need to go,” Zoe told Liam. “We have to pick up Mira from school.”

Marcus perked up. “Little bit’s in school now? How’s she doing?”

“It’s fucking awful,” Liam barked. “We have to send her away every fucking day, and I have no idea if the little fucking prick boys are being mean to her, and it makes me want to punch something.”

I glanced at Marcus. “I thought you said he fixed his rage issues.”

“He did,” Zoe and Marcus answered in unison.

“Right.” I rocked back on my heels. “Well, nice to meet you both.”

“I’ll be in the car,” she told Liam, patting his stomach before walking away.

Liam leaned in. “I mean it, King—you’re fucked if her feelings aren’t changing like yours. You better figure that out before anything big happens.”

Marcus held up a hand. “Yeah, but what if she wants to have sex and then Griffin tells her no and can’t really explain why? She’ll feel like shit, and then he’ll feel like shit because he made her feel bad about herself. Then she’s got a complex because she thinks he doesn’t want her, and he’s left wondering for the rest of his miserable life what it would be like to have sex with her.”

I groaned, covering my face with my hands.

Liam held up his hands. “I gotta go. Best of luck, mate.”

“That’s it?” I said, hands dropping ineffectually to my sides.

“Either that, or you just tell her you’re in love with her and see where the chips fall.” He shrugged. “Never know, it might not ruin your friendship.” He slapped me on the back. “Cheers.”

Marcus grinned. “Isn’t he great? I fucking love that guy.”

I sank down onto the weight bench and speared my hands into my hair. “I hate all of you right now.”

“Cheer up, dude. If nothing else, you’ll only be at Steven’s house for a few more days, right? You won’t have to see her anymore if you don’t want to or if shit ends badly.”

Marcus wandered off to start some weights, leaving me in the absolute misery of my thoughts. The day had felt so easy when I found the keys to Steven’s car.

Surprise her with a convertible! Why not? It didn’t mean anything. I was just doing something nice for a friend.

Except I wasn’t. I wanted to make her happy more than I’d wanted anything in a long fucking time. Craved it, even.

I got high off the feeling of making her feel good.

Was I really falling in love with her? I scrubbed a hand over my face and watched her finish up another rep with the trainer. Her face was pink from exertion, but her eyes were bright and her smile . . . God, my chest turned over looking at her smile.

I was fucked.

No matter what her feelings were doing. No matter whether we slept together or not.

I was fucked.

For a teeny, tiny speck of a moment, I indulged myself in what might happen if I just told her. If I came clean. If we slept together and it was as good as I imagined it would be and I poured my heart out to her.

That’s where my brain stalled. Where my imagination fizzled out.

There’d never been a time in my life, outside of the football field, where anyone relied on me for something big, something important. I’d never carried the weight of someone else’s emotional well-being. And if I came clean to Ruby, that’s what would happen.

If her feelings hadn’t changed and she was more than ready to bid me adieu when my time in Welling Springs was over, I couldn’t find myself—yet again—standing in front of someone important only to watch them walk away.

My jaw tightened uncomfortably, my brain looping around something Rachel had said to me the day she came over wearing Barrett’s engagement ring. “You’re good for a few things, Griffin. Forever isn’t one of them.”

Ruby wasn’t Rachel. That much was clear.

But at the end of the day, I was still me, wasn’t I?

If being myself came with a risk of hurting this person who’d become so important to me, then the best thing I could do was hold up my end of the bargain. I’d promised Ruby that I wouldn’t fall in love with her, and as far as she’d know, I’d keep that promise.

With a sigh, I watched her smile again and rubbed at the pinching sensation in my chest, knowing I’d have to lie to myself, and her, in order to do it.