fifteen

"I'm not ashamed, and I'm not sorry."

Jeremiah stood before Ivan's father as Tate held onto his bruised and aching arm. He could tell that there was a different way of behaving that has already overtaken Jeremiah's psyche.

He almost seemed disgusted to be so close to Tate who was once his friend. Ivan's father, however, already knew the situation without it being told to him. What else would Jeremiah be so mad for?

"What did you say?" Ivan's father asked first, causing Tate to sigh. "I know he wouldn't have retaliated in such a way, not that I'm saying the way he went about it was right either. I'm just trying to form a story of events."

"I told him what he needed to hear."

Jeremiah felt himself getting angry again, Ivan's father noticing such anger as he grins at Tate.

"And what was that?"

"The obvious stuff. What everyone is always saying, thinking, what they want to say but are too scared to say because of someone not being willing to listen." Tate hints, glancing over at Jeremiah who has yet to even look at him. "Jeremiah, I wasn't saying all of that to try and hurt Ivan. You can't...not think that Ivan doesn't already think those things of himself. If he's trying to change - if he actually even is, that means he's aware of how shit he was being. People don't try to change unless they know they've been doing something wrong. Did you ever think about that?"

Jeremiah remained silent, but he heard what he was saying.

Ivan was trying to change, but he didn't think he needed to. He got so used to how things were...and even if the way he was treating him was wrong, he didn't care.

The more others seemed to care, the less he cared. No one should be judging Ivan in his eyes, but the Luna.

And yet, he even wondered if he would be fine with that too...

"It is infuriating, you know." Jeremiah breathed, looking right at Ivan's father and soon at Tate. "What does what he did to me back then have to do with any of you? You care about me, maybe; but I care about someone else more than I do myself. I may be owed an apology, but I want it even less when others judge him and say what they think I need. You weren't there, you weren't with me when I was with him and he had his good moments, you don't get him like I do-."

"You sound like an abuse victim making excuses for their abuser." Tate interrupts calmly, and before Jeremiah could say something Ivan's father set his hand on the table.

Jeremiah looked at him, seeing the way he stared at him. Not even trying to hide the fact that he was put off by him defending the person he loved most.

Everyone sided with the same thought.

"I know Ivan is my son, and I love him; but an intervention has to take place eventually. You think Luka should be seeing how Ivan treats you? What about your own sanity, happiness-?"

"He's changed, I don't know what happened, but he's not the same way. He's better, he is getting better. I can tell and I can feel it. The only person he needs to show such a side to, is me. He doesn't need to prove anything to you guys. This isn't fair...I feel like you're all teaming up against him and trying to bring me into it..." Jeremiah felt his chest tightening, his eyes going between the both of them quickly. "I don't know much about what it feels like naturally to be an Alpha, but I know enough. The feeling to protect him...it's running rampant when I'm in the presence of you all."

Jeremiah inhaled deeply, setting his hands on Ivan's father's table.

"I respect you, so much sir. You helped create the person I love most. How can I not respect you? You have taken me as a mentee to possibly be in a place I never thought I'd take. I once believed I was meant to be nothing more than what I once was. Now I'm something more, greater even!" Jeremiah stopped, looking over at Tate who looked like he understood.

Somehow...but he didn't get that. No one would ever be able to understand.

"I still feel bad, you know," Jeremiah says to him quietly, unaware that Tate forgave him already, "I know within everything you said, there's some truth. Just the way everyone's trying to do it...and saying they're doing it for me, makes me feel like shit. If everyone is treating him horribly for me, then I don't want it-."

"It's not even like that, Jeremiah," Tate rushed to him, cradling his face as Jeremiah looked at him in shock to him doing so, "I love you so much...I've been in love with you since middle school, and it kills me that the person I love most is being treated like this. You have no sense of self-worth...and it breaks my heart."

Jeremiah grinned at him, resting his head against Tate's. Only to slowly remove his hand from his cheek, looking into his eyes.

"I appreciate your affections, but I will never reciprocate such feelings." Jeremiah pulled back now, grinning as he saw Tate's completely pink face. "I don't know how I never noticed your feelings, but now I guess it makes sense... But I'm sorry, you telling me that changed nothing."

Tate swallowed a lump in his throat, facing back forward quickly with shame. Ivan's father had Tate leave the room as it left just him and Jeremiah inside.

Unaware of Ivan who stood outside the door. He saw how embarrassed Tate looked when he rushed out. Except he saw Jeremiah's back still facing the door as his father was sitting down.

He sighed, slightly concerned because he didn't want Jeremiah to get in trouble because of him. Except knowing how things went for Jeremiah, he wasn't going to get in trouble.

Rushing to the door, he was about to open the door until he felt someone grab his wrist. He looked to see it was just Jeremiah's mother, and he instantly grinned at her.

"Hi...I know, I probably shouldn't be trying to go in there, but-."

"You love Jeremiah, right?"

Ivan frowned, nodding quickly without any hesitation. Jeremiah's own mother was shocked by such a thing because he never showed it before. Despite him admitting, she was still wary.

"I do...and I know it never seemed like I did, but I am changing. I'm not the same person I was before the fall. I...want to be better, not just for myself but for Jeremiah of all people. I've hurt him the most, I already know." Ivan admits softly. "I am sorry. I'm so sorry that I wish I could take back all I did, but...he won't let me apologize."

Ivan grinned, blinking as he began to see how angry she looked. That threw him off because he's never seen such an expression on her face before. Until he blinked again and he saw the same calm, kind expression from before.

"Oh no..." He breathed, staggering back as Jeremiah's mother frowned. Unaware that this happened last time.

When he'd begin to see things that weren't true.

He was about to pass out again.

Turning around quickly, he rushed in and right to Jeremiah. Holding onto him tightly, Jeremiah looked at him with concern as Ivan held on.

"Ivan, not right now. I'm talking with him and I actually need you to leave-."

"W-Wait, I'm about to - Jeremiah, remember!" Ivan exclaimed, looking up at him desperately and instantly, Jeremiah knew.

He picked him up, ignoring the others as he took him into a room. Setting him down, he looked down at Ivan who already looked afraid.

"When I wake up...you won't leave me...will you?"

Jeremiah flinched, shaking his head so fast as Ivan chuckled at his cuteness. "How could you ask me that? I would never!"

"I don't know..." Ivan looked away, not wanting to see the false expression on Jeremiah's face that wasn't really his. "Maybe because you'd realize how horrible I am. A monster, a bitch, a nuisance, a lot of things. I did a lot of horrible things to you and you're such...an amazing person that you don't care. When you should."

Jeremiah shook his head, sitting on the edge of the bed as he looked down at him softly.

"I don't need your apology. You, changing is your apology."

"No, it's not," Ivan looked at Jeremiah now, seeing how angry he looked and wasn't sure if it was an illusion or not now, "An apology involves words. You only say all of this because the Luna blessed you to me. If you weren't blessed to me, you would've been divorced me by now."

Jeremiah flinched, about to deny such a thing until he saw Ivan's eyes close. He felt his hands ball into fists as he stood up.

He wanted to pray to the Luna to ask...but he also didn't want to. Because being blessed to someone...can such a blessing be removed?

Going to the door, he locked it as he went to the window. Once he got to his knees, he clasped his hands together reluctantly. As he set his head against them, he lowered it.

"Our Luna...My Luna, please answer me if you can. If you are able, when you are able. Is it true...is it possible, that everything about me is blessed to him? Am I...not truly feeling this way naturally? Is this all because of a blessing?" Jeremiah's eyes opened for a moment, looking over his shoulder at Ivan.

Only to look away slightly and remember everything he has done. The horrible things, the words, the treatment. He ruined his self-worth of himself, he knew this.

Except he felt himself not caring.

Now he wondered.

Is it him truly not caring, or the blessing making him not care?

He truly loved him...right?

"Can you tell me?" He looked away now, facing back forward. "I must know. My love for him is all truly my own, right?"

"It is not."

He turned around quickly, hearing a female voice. Only to see the female silhouette that he hadn't seen in a while. His eyes lowering from hers as he bowed some, looking away.

"A blessing is determining how much I love him?"

"Yes."

"All of it?"

"Not all of it, but majority of it. Ivan wasn't supposed to say anything, but I guess it was going to be revealed eventually. It seems to be for the best that it was," The Luna grinned, watching the contemplation that took over Jeremiah's features, "Everyone's so angry. They pity you greatly, and can't understand your thinking. The blessing is why, but you two are blessed to be. Isn't that perfect for you to hear?"

Jeremiah was sad because it wasn't perfect.

"I don't want my love for him to be defined by others blessings. I want to love him because I do, not because of..." He stops, looking back at Ivan, "a blessing."

"Don't be discouraged. Look at it in a different way. You both are happy, Ivan will get better for you. All you two have to face are the tribulations because everyone is so angry for you. I know you two can pull through it. It's because you truly love him-."

"Remove it."

The Luna just looked at him, seeing how serious Jeremiah was as he looked right at her now. She grinned, looking back at Ivan who was passed out.

"You're going to leave him?"

"I am not."

"Then why do you want me to remove the blessing? If I remove it, you will only truly come to terms and feel all of what you should've felt before. Are you not aware of how much you'd be bringing forth-?"

"I'm aware, I want it. I don't want a blessing to be the reason why I love him so much. I want to love him because I truly do. Not because a blessing is driving my love for him unconditionally. It's disingenuous...and I don't want him thinking a blessing is the only reason why I forgive him." Jeremiah stopped, only to look away momentarily with obvious discomfort. "And I also...don't want to believe a blessing is the only reason why I still love him."

"And if I say it is?"

Jeremiah doesn't say anything, going to Ivan as he saw him still passed out. His hand cradled his face and found himself grinning.

"Then I'd say that I'll prove you wrong." Jeremiah says confidently, facing her quickly. "Remove the blessing, please. If you do, will he still have these moments of passing out?"

"Not at all. You even wanting this is a punishment for him already," The Luna grins, causing Jeremiah to become instantly uncomfortable by that.

Only for her to come towards him, her hand pointing to the bed. He went to it as he laid down right beside Ivan. His eyes setting onto her as she stood above him. Her hand settling above his eyes so that he couldn't see Ivan anymore.

His heart tightening instantly.

"You will hate him...I'm telling you that right now. Any normal person, wouldn't accept what he's done to you. Even you, you will see." She informs him, and before he could take it back her hand slammed down hard upon his chest.

Right above his heart, Jeremiah gasped when he felt like someone was digging right within his heart. Almost like it was suffocating him, his hand going to grab the Luna's until he felt that he couldn't grab anything.

"S-Stop!" He cried out, feeling something be pulled from within.

The more she pulled, the more he felt himself go. All of that...'forgiveness' and 'love' became something else. As everything all began to hit him at once, like she said it would.

His heart beating slower, this need to stop her ceasing as he fell still. She watched him fall calm as she held the bright light that was his blessing within her hands. Such a gentle thing...she saved as she saw Jeremiah looking at her.

She grinned, waiting for him to say something.

"You look so calm." She whispers, reaching over as she taps Ivan's shoulder. "Should I wake him up?"

"Do what you want."

"Oh? You're not begging me to wake him?"

"I'm not going to beg, what's to beg for? He was always going to wake up eventually. There's no rush," He sat up, leaning against the headboard as she noticed him avoiding to look at her, "and I also think it's for the best...he doesn't wake up now anyway. I don't want to say anything to hurt him."

"So you still care? Impressive."

Jeremiah found himself scoffing, shaking his head as he tried to take it all in a way that would...not drive him crazy. Because the fact that a blessing kept him from feeling all of this...hurt and pain was disturbing to him.

He wasn't really feeling much of anything. Just loving his abuser.

It made him sick.

"How do you feel, Jeremiah?" The Luna asked in amusement, hearing his thoughts.

Jeremiah was mad at her too. For the fact that she was clearly getting enjoyment from this. Not because he's upset, but because Ivan was getting what he deserved - right?

What did he necessarily deserve?

A lot, and none were good, was what Jeremiah should've been saying; but...

He still cared...in his own way.

"You," He looked her in the eye, only to face back forward, "You can leave now."

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