seventeen

Ivan sat at the table, staring forward blankly as Jeremiah helped Luka at the table. It had already been a few days since Jeremiah asked the Luna to remove the blessing, and Ivan felt like he was in a fever dream.

Where life was happening, but nothing more.

Jeremiah wasn't the same, but he knew that would be the case. Except he didn't expect it to change so much.

Where it went from his devotion, love, care...to now loving him at a distance and barely showing affection. The only affection given is an impartial hug. It was one of the most pathetic things he's ever done with him.

And to make matters worse, Jeremiah doesn't kiss him unless Ivan asks for it. At this point, Ivan refrains from doing so. It just felt degrading - if not embarrassing.

The way Jeremiah would look at him almost with some kind of discomfort, but love was within such a thing. Then when they'd kiss, it was the most awkward and plain thing.

He'd rather not.

The more he thought about it, he knew he deserved this. Except he began to feel like Jeremiah didn't deserve having to put up with him. Having to process all of his trauma, then looking at his abuser too?

It made Ivan feel disgusted with himself.

"So," Jeremiah smiles at Luka, nodding over at Ivan who looked between the both of them, "tell mommy what you told me last night when I gave you a bath."

Luka instantly brightened up at the idea of getting to tell Ivan the surprise, unaware of the complete sadness already over him. When he looked at him, he didn't even notice how sad he really was. He just knew he wasn't the same, and that made him sad.

"I make you a song!" Luka slammed his hands onto the table excitedly, waiting to see Ivan react in any kind of way out of excitement too. Only to watch him barely crack a grin as he nods.

Jeremiah didn't have to look at Luka to know he was getting his feelings hurt. Because Luka made Ivan the song to cheer him up. Now that he wasn't even reacting to stuff he said, he could feel Luka's pain.

He pressed his lips to Luka's cheek, seeing Luka look at him sadly as a pout began to form onto his lips. "It's okay, he wants to hear it. Sing it for him, I want to hear your cute voice too!"

Luka's pout faded some as he faced back forward, pointing at Ivan. He began to do all sorts of unique tricks with his hands as Ivan watched quietly.

He tried to show some sort of enthusiasm, but he kept seeing Jeremiah smiling at Luka and quickly glance at him. His smile fading some as he nodded for him to react more than what he was.

"Mommy sad - don't be sad! Mommy love - I love you! Me, daddy - papa too, don't be sad - we all love you!" Luka squealed, wiggling his arms around excitedly.

Except to Luka's dismay, Ivan's eyes watered up. Tears beginning to fall down his cheeks as he cried. His hands covering his face as he laid it down on the table.

Luka's excitement dwindled at seeing him cry, and within a few seconds, he was crying too. Jeremiah looked between them both fearfully because he didn't want to see them both cry.

Now their own son was becoming hurt from this.

"Ivan..." Jeremiah whispered, tapping his leg with his foot as he wasn't reacting. "Ivan why are you doing this? The song was supposed to make you-."

"Happy?!" Ivan cried out, standing up as he looked down at him angrily. Luka crying even more to seeing him upset at his daddy. "I'm...I'm..."

He stopped himself from saying how he really felt in front of Luka. Turning away sharply as he ran out of their home.

Jeremiah sat back, pulling Luka onto his lap as he tried to soothe him. To comfort him in any way he could, but now...?

Now he was questioning himself.

What right did he have to remove the blessing? Now he wondered if he even did the right thing.

Just to allow himself to feel what he should've been feeling...has now resulted in this. In Luka's sadness, Ivan's heartbreak and depression, and now Jeremiah felt his pain.

The pain he wouldn't wish upon anyone. It was beginning to not feel worth it. Because at least the three of them were happy, and now everyone else was happy; but them. The three of them were now the sad ones.

Just to feel what he was "meant" to feel...it didn't feel like he was meant to feel it at all. This kind of pain is something that - if it could be avoided - should be.

When Luka dozed off, he laid him down on the couch as he rushed to the front door. Except when he opened it he instantly smelled Ivan's pheromones to the right of him.

He saw Ivan sitting on the ground, his knees to his chest as he was hiding his face from view. Jeremiah closed the door some, sitting beside Ivan on the ground. Finding himself smiling as he saw Ivan glance up to see him for a moment.

"You know, I find myself regretting it too." Jeremiah tells him, watching as Ivan peered up at him. "I wouldn't wish any of what I'm feeling on another soul. I thought I was helping myself...by feeling what I thought I needed to feel, but I just think..."

Ivan began to sit up more, his eyes softening on Jeremiah's hesitance to finish.

"You can say...I won't interrupt."

Jeremiah grinned at Ivan for those words, facing back forward. "I went off what others told me to feel. They are telling me that I deserve to feel these things, but if this kind of pain could be avoided, it should be. We were happy...that's all that should've mattered."

"Then why'd you remove it?" Ivan asked instantly after Jeremiah finished speaking. "The blessing, I mean?"

"I didn't have it removed because I wanted to feel this pain. I wanted it gone...so that I could love you truly. Not have a 'blessing' determine how much I loved you. I wanted to love you all on my own, that was it." Jeremiah admits, raising his eyebrow when Ivan looked at him oddly. "What?"

Ivan faced back forward, his lips tightening together as he had it all wrong. Jeremiah was still his Jeremiah...and truthfully, this may have been more of Jeremiah than before.

Because now, nothing was suppressing his true self to better suit him.

"I just...had this all wrong." Ivan breathed, sitting back as he smiled awkwardly. "I've been saying to myself for a while that I feel like...I'm losing 'my' Jeremiah. The one who gave in to my every whim, want, need. Revolved his whole life around me, but that wasn't 'my' Jeremiah. My Jeremiah...is you. The you without the blessing."

Ivan looked at Jeremiah, seeing how he grinned at him kindly. In that moment, he reached over and wrapped his arms around his neck. Leaning into him, Jeremiah didn't push him away as he even hugged him back.

Feeling Ivan's body snuggled up against his, holding onto him so tight. Jeremiah felt peace within his hold, bringing Ivan closer into his embrace.

"I'm so sorry Jeremiah, I truly am." Ivan tells him softly in each other's arms. "I think about all that I've said and done to you...and it makes me sick. I was so sad and hurt because - yet again - I thought about myself. I shamefully was hurt and thought how unfair it was for you to remove the blessing, to take 'my' Jeremiah away from me. Except you're right here. You've changed, but it's in a good way...a healthy way. What have I done? Besides be the same selfish Alpha-wannabe?"

Ivan found himself chuckling at himself, holding onto Jeremiah tighter. Unaware of Jeremiah's eyes that began to water almost in sympathy and heartache for him.

"This kind of result...I deserve. And I was thinking about it..."

"About?"

Ivan tightened his lips together, feeling shame for what he was about to ask. He wasn't asking to mock Jeremiah, he just now understood what he meant before.

"I love you too much...for you to suffer with me. You can divorce me and take Luka, he loves you more anyway." Ivan pulled back, refusing to look at Jeremiah's face. "You deserve better. They're all right. This marriage was built off of your suffering, pain, and torment that I caused. You can do so much better than me. We all...know that-."

"I will not do that." Jeremiah interrupted him harshly, Ivan looking at his face that was twisted up in anger. "It's like everything I just said to you went over your head-."

"It did not!" Ivan pulled back only for Jeremiah to pull him back close. Their faces inches apart as he now turned him around quickly.

His body pressed against the wall as Jeremiah firmly held onto him. Jeremiah's own body completely shielding his from anyone who happens to pass by as he looked down at him with bated breath.

"I wasn't avoiding you or not doing intimate things with you because I couldn't. I was processing my own thoughts, my own feelings about all of it, where do I stand? I don't hate you and I'm not mad at you. I may be hurt, but these are all things I deserve to feel." Jeremiah heard his own desperation within his own voice as he hoped Ivan would understand. "Right?"

"Yes..." Ivan looked away, only for Jeremiah to have him look him in the eyes once again.

"Don't look away from me, you have nothing to be afraid of. I...love you, I do. Isn't this love? I'm processing how I feel just so that I can truly be beside you. I don't want to take out my own feelings onto you, I love you too much to do that, Ivan," Jeremiah gripped his shoulders, hoping he was really hearing him, "Do you still not understand?"

Ivan looked at Jeremiah as his eyes were settled on him softly. Except he still felt like even now...he didn't deserve him.

"I hear you...I just don't think I deserve any of this. Everyone's right, I don't deserve you and you don't deserve to have to put up with me. I'm tired of this." Ivan finally says it, and when he looked at Jeremiah's face, he saw nothing.

It was as if there was a blank canvas that covered his entire face. Hid all of Jeremiah's features and made them unrecognizable.

Ivan wondered if this was the Luna's doing, but he didn't think so.

Jeremiah let go of Ivan's shoulders, sitting back on his legs as he looked down at him. The look in his eyes was glazed over and he looked at him, but it was like he wasn't truly seeing him.

"Tired of what?"

"Tired of pretending like I deserve a second chance. I thought I deserved this, but I wish I died when I fell over the rails. Because then you would have to let me go. You'll never let me go if I'm still alive." Ivan slammed his head back against the wall as Jeremiah gasped out in pain for him.

Pulling Ivan back from the wall, he pulled him against his chest. Clutching him closely as he felt his body begin to shake.

"I forgive you..." Jeremiah whimpered, nodding hurriedly as he chuckled nervously. "I-I do. I'm telling you - right now - that I forgive you for everything. Isn't that what you have been wanting to hear-?"

"I don't forgive myself," Ivan shook his head as he pulled away. Standing up as he went to the door, still staring down at the face he no longer recognized. "So let me let you go so that you can grow. Divorce me-."

"Never!"

Jeremiah rose onto his feet so fast, rushing at Ivan who backed away quickly.

Slamming the door as he stood before Ivan, his back to a table. He stared up into Jeremiah's eyes that he now could see...he now saw his face.

A face that was slowly growing dominant as did his scent. The pheromones that began to cloud his head.

Only for Jeremiah to grip his face, feeling so much dominance overcome him. This was different...whatever he felt over Ivan wasn't something he had ever felt before.

"Divorce me then." Jeremiah breathed as Ivan could smell how strong his pheromones were. Practically choked him and left him unable to breathe. "Do it, I'll just marry you again."

"Why? I'm trying to save you."

"You're not saving nothing. You could never save me from you," Jeremiah didn't realize how much stronger his pheromones were getting as Ivan began to slowly succumb to them.

His body becoming weak under his stare as Jeremiah came closer.

Ivan could feel his body reacting to not just Jeremiah's smell, but his insistence. The insistence for him to stay with him...to not leave.

In some way, Jeremiah not wanting to divorce him despite him telling him to do so...made him happy. Despite that, he felt like it was selfish of him to happy in the first place.

Out of nowhere, Ivan gasped when Jeremiah's knee went between his legs. It was close to rising up and touching him...and he knew his body would give in instantly if he did.

"Tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"I can smell it." Jeremiah pulled Ivan against his body, his lips hovering above his ear. He grabbed Ivan's hand as he slid it within his own pants.

Surprising Ivan when he felt his body reacting to his scent, yanking his hand out. He looked up at Jeremiah in embarrassment only for feeling him grab his hand.

The hand with fingers that revealed how wet he was. Only to watch Jeremiah suck them clean.

A flashback of when he first told him to lick his fingers clean...it came back to him. His whole face becoming red as Jeremiah smiled. Only to pull his fingers out from his mouth, intertwining his hand with his.

"You are telling me all these things...to leave you, to divorce you, to 'save' me; yet... You're wet because of me. How can you be aroused by me after everything you said earlier? I'm confused." Jeremiah mocked, but not in a rude manner. "This is serious, right?"

He played dumb as Ivan began to look more and more embarrassed.

"I know you so well, there's no way you could let me divorce you. Not that I would've accepted. We are bound together, forever." Jeremiah pulled Ivan against his body, biting his lip when he felt Ivan tightly wound his arms around him.

Getting hard just from his grasp, he stuck his hand into the back of Ivan's pants. His fingers pressing inside as he listened to how sweet his moans sounded.

"Yes...you feel so good baby," Jeremiah smiled, biting his lip harder as he thrusted his fingers more and more. Listening to Ivan's voice was the part he loved most, especially when he clung onto him.

Unaware of what Ivan was doing as he let his own pheromones out. Letting out the most he has in a very long time because as soon as Jeremiah inhaled them, he felt his whole body go limp.

The very scent was so overwhelming that it sent Jeremiah's whole body into shock. Unable to even process what happened as he felt himself losing consciousness.

Passing out onto the ground, Ivan stumbled back against the counter. Trying to catch his breath from how strong Jeremiah's pheromones were, he looked up at the stairs.

To make sure Luka hadn't come down and seen anything he shouldn't have, that's when Ivan stepped over Jeremiah. He rushed up to his room where he began to pack as much as he could into two book bags.

Because he wasn't going to let Jeremiah do this.

Ivan couldn't let Jeremiah think that whatever left they had was okay. He wanted to do the right thing for him.

And that was to remove himself from his life.

Even if it hurt him so much that he now felt like dying.

He went into Luka's room where he saw him sleeping, holding onto a stuffed animal. Ivan went over and hugged him softly enough to not wake him up.

"Your song made me happy." He murmured against his temple, pressing a kiss to it.

Only to rush back down and adjusted Jeremiah on the ground into a more comfortable position. He sat on his legs as he stared down at him, tracing his finger against his jawline.

When he pulled his finger away, Jeremiah's face was a blank canvas for him again.

He deserved this horrible feeling inside more than anyone else. The only reason this was all happening was because he asked for a second chance.

A second chance he shouldn't have asked for.

Now...he wished he had let himself die.

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