Chapter 30 - Roller Coaster

Evan couldn't sleep that night. Despite his tiredness and the fact that his eyelids were drooping every now and then, all he did was toss from side to side. He couldn't blame it on the caffeine, as he surprisingly hadn't had any coffee today, and he was sure that the nicotine should have had the opposite effect.

He rolled over once more, staying on his back, staring at the white ceiling of his room as he had done so many times before. He should probably be resigned to the fact that he won't get a good night's sleep until his life is back on track, but he honestly had no idea when that would be, so he didn't lose hope that sleep would eventually overtake him. His problems did it, so why not sleep?

Evan has felt like he's been on a roller coaster these past few days. One time he was up, and another time, before he knew it, he was back down, and the same thing over and over. He knew it was his own fault, but even his solutions didn't help. Every time he thought he had made the right decision, there was something that whispered in his mind, questioning his choice.

Judging that he wouldn't fall asleep anyway, he threw off the duvet and stood up. He quietly walked over to the window and sat down in the chair next to it. It was his favourite place to read books, but now instead of picking one up, he wrapped his arms around his knees and rested his chin on them. Looking at the night sky was calming to him to some extent.

His gaze fell briefly on the moon, which was particularly bright on this night. As a child, he always imagined the Moon Goddess sitting on a silver throne in her castle on the moon. Evan remembered feeling sad that she was there all alone until Riley told him the story about the wolf guard and the constellations. And although he had learned the truth a long time ago, he still carried the story with him even though he knew Riley made it up to make him happy. He remembered every detail.

The constellation Canis Minor, or as Riley called it the Stars of the Watchman Wolf, was right next to the constellation Orion, as it represented Orion's dog. But in Riley's story, it wasn't a dog, but wolves. Two wolves linked by a bond created by the Moon Goddess so they would never be alone. In return, they always disappeared from the sky during the day together with the other stars so that they could keep her company, and she would not be sad.

After Riley found his mate, his story expanded to include the constellation Canis Major. He and his mate were two wolves bonded together, while their family was multiple wolves bonded together but distant from the original two. Evan knew it was his way of explaining the situation to him to make it sound better than it really was. After all, the next day Riley was gone, leaving nothing but emptiness, not only in his house but in Evan's heart as well.

Evan often wondered if Riley knew how things would turn out. After all, he had visions that he barely talked about and even when asked about them, he usually described two in particular as if the others didn't even exist.

Regrets for not asking more often gnawed at Evan's mind, but they were quickly drowned out by the fact that Riley had left him nothing behind. Although it hurt, Evan knew what it meant. Riley didn't want to keep in touch and maybe even thought that Evan was just like the rest of their family. Maybe he was just trying to spare himself the pain. After all, he and Evan always had a special bond between them, and if even his favourite cousin turned against him and his chosen one, it would surely break his heart. And maybe it was just something Evan was telling himself to make himself feel better.

It was quite ironic that just when Evan was having a problem with his mate, he remembered Riley. And even though many years had passed, he knew he would do anything to hear his advice. But he also knew that it was impossible since although he didn't admit it to anyone, Evan tried to find him online a few times. However, his name is as if it did not exist. Maybe he changed his name, or maybe he got married. There were many scenarios, and Evan was surprised at himself that not one of them made him angry. After all, carrying the Bludd last name has seemed like a curse for the past few years.

A loud yawn pierced the silence of the night. Evan looked at the clock on his nightstand and saw that he had been sitting like that for an hour. Adding two more, during which he just tossed and turned in bed, the time read two in the morning.

It wasn't just the yawns that indicated his tiredness. If his head wasn't resting on his knees, it would have fallen long ago, and his eyelids were getting heavier and heavier as a hollow pain shot up near them. This time, Evan decided to go back to bed and try to sleep again. Before he did, he opened the window a little, hoping the fresh air would help him sleep better, even though it meant he'd wake up to the cold in the morning.

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And that's exactly what happened. The moment Evan opened his eyes, the first thing he felt was the extreme cold in his room. After all, it was already late autumn, and it was not the warmest outside. Especially at night and this early in the morning.

However, the cold in the morning was not the only cold he felt that day. Talking to Angie was still at a freezing point, and it seemed there was a tacit agreement between his friends to spend time with both of them, just separately. Not that he blamed them, but his day was far from normal, and he was starting to feel like he had no reason to look forward to school anymore. Sure, he saw Kieran and stole a few kisses during the day, but otherwise, he felt like a child of divorce.

The ride home was even worse. This time he and Angie were traveling on the same bus, and neither Clara nor Millie were there to distract him, so he spent the entire ride trying to avoid her gaze. Every time his eyes fell on her for even a moment, he felt a stabbing sensation in his chest that made him turn back to the window. It felt like an endless ride.

But finally, his wish came true, and the bus stopped at the usual stop. Just like in the morning, Angie was one of the first to shoot out the door, hot on her heels. Evan silently put his backpack on his shoulders and got off the bus at a normal, maybe a little slower, pace. His steps automatically took a familiar direction, ignoring his surroundings.

"Are you and princess dumbass still not talking?" came from behind him, just like the day before. Evan turned around, expecting Michael with a cigarette in hand, just like before, but this time fate was not in his favour, and he wasn't alone. A boy with ink-coloured hair and eyes full of hot chocolate stood by his side.

"Don't call her that," he protested weakly. Michael raised an eyebrow at his answer. On the other hand, his cousin's face showed no emotion regarding their conversations. As usual, he had a small smile on his face.

"So whatever happened is your fault?" Michael asked him, ignoring his tone, which made it clear that he was in no mood to talk. A faint sigh escaped Evan's mouth, and his gaze dropped to the ground for a moment. When he picked it up again, his eyes met Michael's, and Evan just shrugged in response.

"Are you okay?" this time it was Ryan who spoke to him, and the sound of his voice caught Evan off guard. Evan's eyes involuntarily sought his, and it was impossible not to read the concern in them. While his cousin was getting on his nerves, he was giving him butterflies in his stomach that he didn't want there, but vomiting was out of the question. It would mean admitting his feeling out loud, and that's what got him into this problem in the first place.

"I guess." He just shrugged again, thinking of the quickest way to end this conversation. But the worst part was that after the day he'd had, the normal conversation was exactly what he wanted.

"This is stupid. C'mon." Shaking his head, Michael turned and walked down the path opposite where Evan was standing. Ryan's gaze quickly darted between his cousin's back and the obviously sad boy in front of him, as if deciding what to do.

"Are you two going or what?" Surprise was evident on Evan's face. He thought that Michael had had enough of him and decided to be as far away from him as possible, but obviously, he didn't know him as well as he thought. Or rather, he barely recognized him in the last few days.

His question was enough for Ryan to join his cousin. Evan watched their backs as they moved away. Neither of them made a sound, and Evan had no idea what to do. In this silence, his thoughts were too loud, so he decided to interrupt it.

"Where?" Evan asked, not hiding the disbelief in his voice. However, he didn't get an answer, so he had a few seconds to decide whether to join the two cousins in front of him who were slowly walking away, or simply go home and save his mind and heart from further unnecessary suffering.

He was obviously a masochist.

"Fuck," he muttered under his breath and moved quickly to Michael's side. It was a feeble attempt to not be too close to one of the two people who could get his heart racing, but right now, he couldn't care less. Either way, he wasn't living anymore, he was just surviving, so he might as well have given himself a heart attack because why not.

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A/N: Thanks everyone for reading my story! I know it must be frustrating to watch Evan's decisions, but hang in there. Also, for those who are new here, I update every 2-3 days, and I definitely don't intend to break my schedule, so you don't have to worry about this story being unfinished.