Chapter 46 - The Worst Pain

The last class has arrived. As usual, it was math that Evan absolutely hated. Today, however, he couldn't bring himself to whine for an hour about how pointless it was. Of course, this did not go unnoticed, as Aiden turned to him about halfway through.

"What's wrong with you today?" he asked in a whisper. Evan shrugged and stared at the board so he wouldn't have to look at him. He knew his friends hadn't done anything wrong, and he was the one in the wrong, but he didn't want to pretend everything was fine when it wasn't. He trusted that they would learn about what he wanted to do from Kieran and not have to hear it from him. After all, he wanted Kieran to know about his decision first.

However, Aiden did not give up, and although he risked ending up in detention, he still did not turn back to the front.

"Nothing," he answered him without diverting his gaze. He moved his pen around the notebook, but he honestly had no idea what he was writing or if it made any sense. He probably had to get notes from someone after class, but that was the last thing on his mind right now.

"Bullshit." His friend obviously did not believe him in the slightest. Not that it surprised Evan.

"I'll tell you later," Evan promised in a whisper, finally looking the blond in the eyes. It was a lie, but only one of them knew about it.

Apparently, that was enough for Aiden as he turned back to the blackboard and started paying attention to the teacher's explanation again.

The rest of the hour passed quickly. Faster than Evan wished, so he ran out of time to mentally prepare and gather courage. Before he knew it, the sound of the bell cut through the class.

He slowly stood up from his seat, picked up his school supplies, and headed for the door. Of course, Aiden was right on his heels, though Evan chose to ignore him again. Together they came to the hallway where their lockers were, and both went their separate ways.

Evan put his things away, slammed the locker door, and allowed himself to rest his head on the metal material for a little while. His morning sickness was suddenly back, and he felt like throwing up at any moment.

"Are you sick?" a voice called out to him, which he immediately associated with his blond friend.

"I'm fine," he replied and promptly raised his head, straightening up. Aiden didn't seem convinced by his answer, though.

"Shall I walk you to the bus?" he asked him, his voice sounding worried. A grimace played on his face, and he even reached out to put a hand on his shoulder. Evan's eyes followed this movement, and he ducked in time. He couldn't afford to be comforted by his friend. Not when he was about to hurt their mutual friend.

"I said I'm fine," he repeated, this time with considerable irritation in his voice. Aiden looked shocked at his change of tone but said nothing. He paused for a moment, obviously thinking about what to do next, but then just shook his head.

"Okay. See you tomorrow." He gave up and walked past Evan heading for the school exit. Evan's eyes followed him until he disappeared among the other students. He felt terrible after this interaction, and the worst was yet to come.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket to text Kieran, only to find that he had overtaken him. He wanted to meet on the benches behind the school, where they usually met during breaks. Obviously, it was supposed to end where it all began. It was another poetic moment that Evan didn't need.

His legs automatically carried him to the meeting place as his mind refused to cooperate. He felt like he was going to break down at any moment, but he knew he had no right to. His hands were shaking even after he stuffed them in his pockets, his stomach was reminding him every second that it would never forgive him for this moment, and if he didn't blink every millisecond, his eyes could compete with Niagara Falls.

"What happened?" was the first thing Kieran asked him, and it was only then that Evan realized he had arrived at the location, and he was standing right in front of him. Their eyes met, and Evan had to remind himself that it was best to do it like he was ripping off a Band-Aid. Quickly and at once. The wound was going to bleed anyway, and more words were useless.

"We need to take a break," he spat out. Without hesitation, without emotion, he simply said it. It didn't sound like him at all, and of course, Kieran noticed that too.

"Is everything alright, E?" Despite Evan's words, Kieran's face looked worried. But he wasn't worried about himself or their relationship, but about Evan. Once again, he proved to be too good for him.

He took a step closer to him and reached out his hand as if to caress his face. Evan automatically dodged.

He watched as his hand fell back to his body, and his eyebrows turned his face into a grimace. It wasn't a look Kieran got on his face very often, and Evan's whole insides were screaming at him that he had caused this. His eyes filled with tears.

"E?" Kieran tried to address him again, but he didn't come close to him anymore. His whole demeanour changed, and suddenly he no longer seemed confident.

"We need to take a break," he repeated, his voice shaking this time.

"Why? Did I do something?" Kieran was confused, and Evan wasn't surprised. The last time they saw each other they were having fun and kissing. The difference was only two days, but for Evan, his whole world changed.

"You didn't do anything," he said.

"Then why?" Kieran's tone was urgent, and Evan knew him well enough to know that he was struggling not to approach him.

"I can't tell you," he said, knowing immediately that it was a mistake, but he didn't want to lie. Lying was what got him into this situation in the first place. He lied to himself, lied to Kieran, lied to his parents, and the list went on and on.

"Are you serious, Evan?" Evan winced. He had never heard Kieran raise his voice, certainly not at him. However much he envisioned this situation, Kieran never shouted in it.

"I-" He didn't know what to say. He was in shock. It wasn't just his hands that were shaking anymore.

"Every time we take a step forward, you take three steps back. I never forced you to trust me. I never forced you to step out of your comfort zone. I tried to make you happy, E. For us to be happy. I-" Kieran's hands went into his hair nervously, and he paused.

Evan remained silent. He had no idea what to say or if he should say anything at all. He didn't have a good enough explanation for him, and at the same time, what he was doing right now was the last thing he wanted. He was afraid that if he opened his mouth, he would take it all back and the whole thing would be useless.

Everything Kieran said was true. Evan had always been aware of it, but he had never heard it out loud like this. They were always just thoughts that haunted his head.

"Before, I had the feeling that you finally explained everything to me and that we can move forward. That we have trust between us. But apparently, I was wrong," he laughed bitterly.

Evan was a coward. He knew it before, and now it was only confirmed as he lowered his gaze to the ground.

"What I told you before was true," he said almost inaudibly. It was a weak argument, especially when it was only half true.

"It doesn't matter. Do you know why?" He was obviously waiting for Evan's answer as he paused, and silence passed between them.

Evan eventually found the last bit of courage to ask him, "Why?"

Kieran laughed bitterly again. "Because you're hiding something from me again."

"I'm sorry," he said, even though he knew it was pointless.

"Your sorry won't repair trust," Kieran countered immediately.

Evan felt the first tears roll down his cheek. But he didn't bother to wipe them off, as that would only admit that they were there. This was not a moment he could mourn. That emotion was strictly Kieran's. Evan felt pathetic, but at least he wanted to do something right.

"At least look at me!" He winced but did not obey. He couldn't.

"I'm really sorry, Kie". His voice shook again, and he felt like he was going to vomit on his shoes at any moment. In response, Kieran snorted.

"If you were sorry, you would tell me the truth," he said, pausing for a moment, then continued, "If you were sorry, you wouldn't play with my feelings as you pleased. If you were sorry, at least you would look at me!" Despite his conviction, hearing his voice, Evan raised his head.

Their eyes met, and Evan only now realized that Kieran's eyes looked the same as his. They were like mirrors trying to reflect their reflection but were too foggy to see through.

Kieran shook his head as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing. Several emotions alternated on his face, and he even threw up his hands as if he had no idea what to do.

"I don't want a break, Evan. If that's the way you want it, we can just break up. I don't date liars anyway." This time he didn't give Evan a chance to answer. He automatically made his way to the exit, slamming his shoulder into Evan, not caring that he moved him a step.

Even after Evan heard the door slam behind him, he remained standing transfixed on the ground. He no longer had to control himself, and tears began to flow from his eyes. This time the sound joined them, and after a while, he fell to the ground sobbing.

He had no idea what he was expecting, but this was worse than his worst imagination. Instead of being free, he felt as if he had lost everything. No bond attached to his soul could fix that.

He was stupid. His whole life was stupid. Being a wolf was stupid.

He felt like he was going to die.