~Chapter Eight~

April 25, 2016

Katie sighed as she shoveled her horse, Beau's, stall out. It had been a long, exhausting day. Gussy hadn't felt good, he was teething again. The twins had been fighting. Jackson cried unless he was snuggled next to Justin. William and Michael had tried to help Sam as they began to make plans on calf gathering for the next week. All in all, keeping up with everything was exhausting and stressing Katie. Her days started at 4:00 am and glancing at the clock she saw it was now around 10:30. She refused to complain though, knowing that her time with Justin was dwindling.

Hearing a noise, Katie turned and saw Sam standing at the barn entrance.

"Mrs. Katie," he said frowning as he took in her exhausted face. "I would've done that. You should be in the house resting ma'am."

"Thanks, Sam, but I need to do this. I actually needed a minute or two away from the house."

"Awwww, yes, I totally understand. It was that way when my Allie died."

Katie frowned. She didn't know Sam had been married. "Allie?" She questioned.

"My daughter. She was three. Her mom and I weren't together and she got cancer. Broke me in more ways than one. I miss her daily."

"I'm so sorry," Katie exclaimed pausing to look at Sam. "I can't imagine how it would feel to loose a child. I know loosing Justin is bad enough, but a baby." Katie shook her head.

"Yeah," he mumbled his eyes not really focusing on anything. "Anyway, I do understand the need to step back and breath. But don't forget, I'm here to help too."

Katie nodded and put the shovel down. She sat down on a bale of hay and just looked at Sam. He was a nice looking man, tall and broad shouldered. He had a similar build to Justin. His hair was so black it looked blue at times although there was faint signs of gray starting to appear. His eyes were captivating though. They were such a unique shade of blue, ice blue eyes almost as clear as glass.

"That's why Justin wanted you to work here isn't it?" She questioned as she studied him. "You've dealt with cancer."

"In part," Sam answered studying Katie too. He noticed the dark circles under her eyes, the way her hair was slung in a low hanging pony tail, her clothes a little too baggy. "He also wanted me to look after you and the boys, make suggestions, and make sure you took care of you."

Katie nodded, that sounded just like her husband. He would worry about her. She would worry about him.  Neither of them said anything, just sat quietly both lost in their own thoughts for a while.

"I can't do it all," Katie finally spoke staring out the barn doors at the night sky. "I wanted to be the one to take care of him, but it's hard to keep up with everything. I'm just not ready for this."

"Mmmm," Sam said knowing she didn't need anything but to talk.

"This wasn't supposed to happen, you know," Katie finally glanced back at Sam. "None of this was ever supposed to happen. But, now that it has, I don't know how to move forward."

Sam just nodded. He didn't know what to say. He had lost a child, yes, but this woman was only 29 and was loosing her husband. Over the past month he and Justin had worked together daily. Justin was a good man. He was a good father, husband, and friend. Sam had kept in touch with Justin over the years. He knew theirs was not a marriage of love at first. But to see them now he was almost envious of his old rodeo friend. The love the two of them shared was so special, so different you couldn't help but feel affected by it in some way.

Katie shook her head to clear her morose thoughts. She turned back to Sam, a small sad smile on her face.

"Thanks for listening," she stated. "I'm going to head in now. Let me know who you've got coming next week so I can do some meal planning. I've hired another woman from town to help me with that."

"That was smart," Sam nodded smiling back at her. "I've got four extra men coming in. They'll stay at the bunkhouse with me. When does Colten get in?"

"Day after tomorrow I think," Katie stated as she stood to walk back to the house. "Tomorrow I'm taking the boys to town to pick up groceries and meet Penny to follow me here. She will be staying at the house with me, I think I'll have to put Colten in the bunkhouse too."

"Sounds good Mrs. Katie," Sam nodded to her. He watched her walk away from him before he called back to her "And Katie," she paused turning to look at him. "I'm here to help, muck your stalls, corral your cows, or just listen."

Katie smiled and nodded. "Thanks Sam, I'll keep that in mind. Night."

Katie smiled as she walked in the back door of the house. Justin was seated at the kitchen table, his portable oxygen tank next to him. He was in a new bathrobe and flannel pajamas. He had socks and house shoes on. He often got cold easier so seeing him out from under his pile of blankets made Katie smile. It had been a good day today and it showed in the twinkle in his eyes. Watching his wife, he grinned at her and pointed at her feet.

"Boots," Justin said with a smile.

"I don't care," Katie said sticking her tongue out at her husband. She walked up to him and wrapped her arms around him and held him tight. "What brings you here hmm? Hungry?"

"No, just waiting on you. I miss this, sitting here drinking coffee and hot chocolate and talking."

"Yeah," Katie said on a sigh. "Me too." She paused glancing at Justin, taking in his features. She noted that he was starting to look more gaunt. He was slowly loosing weight, his body couldn't eat like it once had. His eyes, his beautiful eyes still twinkled though and she kissed his forehead as she sat in front of him. "Do you remember the first time we drank coffee together after William was born?"

Justin chuckled. "How could I forget? We went to that fancy coffee place. You were so excited about being allowed to have caffeine again that even though you hate coffee you drank a huge cappuccino. You bounced off the walls for hours." Justin ended on a laugh.

"Yeah," Katie smiled softly at the memory. "It's been hot chocolate for me ever since." The couple stopped talking and Justin reached for Katie's hand. They sat in silence, the only sound the hum of the refrigerator and Justin's oxygen tank. Finally, Justin spoke.

"It's getting closer to time for me to leave you and the boys honey."

"I know," was Katie's whispered response as she stared into her husband's eyes.

"I don't want you to fight it Katie. When my time comes, I want you to let me go." Katie nodded tears quickly filling her eyes. "Oh my sweet Katie-Did, come here darling." He grabbed her trying to pull her into his lap

"Justin," she warned softly. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Never, you could never hurt me. Now come sit, I need to hold you."

Katie sniffled and sat gently on Justin's lap, purposing to sit as gently as possible. He smoothed her hair down and kissed her forehead. Tilting her head back he looked her directly in her eyes.

"I know this is hard on you honey, but my time here is almost done. God has great plans for you and our boys. I want you to promise to let me go and you promise to keep living. Can you do that honey, for me?"

"I'll try Just, but I don't know how I can live without you," Katie whispered. Justin nodded and kissed her softly. She felt his shoulders begin to shake as his body was he began to cough. Hopping off his lap, Katie grabbed the inhaler that was prescribed to help open his airways when his severe coughing attacks happened.

"Come on honey," she gently pulled him up and grabbed his oxygen tank. "Let's get you to bed." She walked with Justin to the dinning room. They had removed the table and had set up a hospital room of sorts since this room was on the first floor. Switching Justin over to another oxygen tank, Katie helped him lie on the hospital style bed and adjusted his blankets.

"I'm going to run and take a shower and check on the boys," Katie smiled at Justin smoothing the hair off his forehead. "I'll be back down in a minute or so." Justin didn't reply, he just nodded. His eyes were shutting from exhaustion.

"I love you my Katie-Did," he mumbled as she smoothed his forehead.

"I know. I love you too."

Katie sighed as she watched Justin drift off to sleep. Noting his even breathing she went to check on the boys and take her shower. Safely ensconced in the hot water she sobbed. This was the only time she let herself cry. She had to be strong for Justin and her boys. But here, along in the bathroom with the rest of the house sleeping, she was able to let everything out. It wasn't fair that she was loosing her husband.

"What am I going to do, God?" She cried out. "He wants me to have live without him? How can I do that? How can I live without him? How can I let him go?"

No answer was given as her tears mixed with the water from the shower head. Katie sat and cried until the water ran cold. Then and only then did she wash herself quickly before stepping out and dressing in her pajamas. She walked in and checked on the boys one more time, smiling and kissing their sleeping faces before she headed back downstairs. Noting that Justin was sleeping soundly, she adjusted his oxygen tank tube that had tangled slightly on his blankets before curling into the recliner next to him. Her eyes were drifting shut when she felt Justin reach for her hand. Looking over she saw him sleeping, a smile on his face. Seeing that she finally shut her eyes and allowed sleep to overtake her. Tomorrow would be another day.