Chapter 37: Hidden Secrets (2)

(This chapter contains some heavy language, and some NSFW comments... I'm throwing out a warning if this is slightly triggering and aggressive. It will come mostly from Kai's POV. He isn't human, and in his own culture, these things are considered normal- not right necessarily. Please take caution when reading, and if it is too much, look forward to my next chapter will be far more sweet and fulfilling)

The room was still, my hands clenched at my sides.

I could feel the burning gazes surrounding me, trying to find a weakness.

Right now, they will find none. How many times did the Mermaid Queen test me, run me through trial after trial in hopes of extinguishing my fears. It was me who was being childish, allowing a mere possibility to frighten me into a corner of neutrality.

I could've been more actively supporting Ceil, the Crown Prince. I could've been less of a hypocrite myself and taken a stand in politics as Ceil had asked me to do.

If I get home... when I get home, this is a side I would like to change. It won't be a fast fix, my own anxiety of the unknown has been ingrained with a mistrustful mind since before I even became Rosalia. I have also taken words with a grain of salt, always hidden my true motives.

Wanting to be stronger... did I only mean physically? Or did I want strength to stand up for myself like I've never been able to do.

For the first time, I spoke my mind. I spoke the truth which weighed me down like lead chained to my ankles. How long have I lived hiding away, from all the troubles I refuse to face.

These men are malicious and terrible, but they are still just men. Human beings.

They have twisted morals, ethics, a strange distinction between right and wrong. Bullying Katrina is wrong- but murdering the girls who did it is considered justice served? When did they become the Judge and Jury?

"I've said my piece, whether you heed it is up to you. I'll be leaving first" I bowed my head formally, before leaving the room.

Ricin didn't speak a single word, merely following me quietly. Kai moves along with me as well, and when I snuck a glance at him once more, the same expressionless face as before... but I could see it in his eyes. Confusion swirled. Since he was experiencing lack of sleep, his eyes were less vibrant, and he always seemed vigilant.

My throat felt dry.

We returned to the guest room, where I began to take out the supplies of my home lab to start making the potion. It takes a few days to refine, and acute concentration. Ricin relaxed himself on the bed, while Kai stood behind me, nearly hovering as I worked.

I felt my irritation rose at his actions.

"You should sleep. I will be awake for a while" I commented lowly, not turning to look at him.

"Rose..." his voice was slightly hoarse.

I didn't answer, continuing to set up the equipment. Prepping took its own amount of time.

"Rose" he called my name again, but I truly wasn't in the mood to answer him currently.

I felt him close in on me. I still tried my best to ignore his presence.

"Rosalia" He growled lowly in his throat. I felt a shiver run down my spine.

These are teenage hormones, I chanted in my mind. Nothing more. A beautiful man is behind me, of course I'd be a bit nervous and anxious.

Attraction is completely normal. I don't need to act on anything. Especially not when I'm so angry...

"...Rosie..."

I froze.

Slowly, I turned my head to look at the sly smile lazily resting on his lips.

Did he just...?

My eyes narrowed, and my rage was near exploding. I hated when my emotions got the better of me. I wasn't usually someone to be so petty, but I didn't want to freak out in a situation as delicate as this.

Our lives were in peril and this guy...!

"Call me that again, and I will go for your jugular" I said all my burning hatred swirling in my heart. It didn't help that my eyes felt hot and tears were threatening to spill any moment.

Unknown to me, Ricin had slipped out.

"Will you?" He taunted, his smile falling. His eyes narrowed dangerously, and the pressure surrounding him became dense.

A small spike of fear hit me, surprising me.

I clenched my hand, turning to face him.

"Yes" I spit out between clenched teeth. He can't ignore that I'm blisteringly furious.

Though, the way I was shaking like a small wet dog, was only serving to increase my fury.

"Then do it! Stop bottling up everything and spit it out you damn coward!" He yelled, startling me. My heart shook for a moment.

Coward?

Yeah. He's right. I'm a huge coward. I always act like I'm walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around every single person.

The reason I was so hurt and terrified, is because the only people I have that I can relax around, were Ricin and Xavier.

Now I find out Xavier doesn't even exist? He was never mine. I had no security, yet like a fool, I threw it at some seemingly innocent animal.

Turns out it was a damn man! My heart was aching, and I could stop the hot tears from flowing down my cheeks.

I wasn't one to cry. Ever. No matter how bad it hurt, or how scared I was, I didn't cry.

But this? I felt betrayed. Hurt. The walls I built to keep everything safe, were crudely smashed, as if they were never there in the first place. Feeling so vulnerable, I felt weak.

He was right. I'm a huge coward. I'm so scared of having people close to me, then leaving the next moment.

I didn't have a real family in my past life. No loving parents, no friends. I was so used to the irritated and disappointed eyes of my blood relatives from the past, that it terrified me to see it again.

My parents in this world, while kind and loving, were constantly busy. So I poured my emotions into Vincent who was desperate and craving for love and affection. I gave it all, but my fears of receiving it back... truly still pushed him away. What sort of person am I? If not a giant coward. Chickens have more guts than I do.

Because I couldn't even do the easiest thing. I couldn't even open my heart to a single person.

Even Ricin doesn't know everything. It's like my throat closes and I can't speak when I try.

It's been eating me alive for so long. How do I even speak?

Hot tears continued to spill down my cheeks, as a bitter laugh escaped past my trembling lips.

"Yeah..." when did my voice sound so broken?

"I'm the biggest hypocrite and coward of all. So what? I don't open up to anyone, and I'm so scared of being left all alone... that I'd rather swallow every grievance before sharing. So what?

What the hell do you care so much for? Did it feel good? Make you laugh? Seeing a kid rely on what she assumed was a wild animal? Was it funny?!" I screamed. I tried to scream. Yet, as if being forced down by something, my voice became quieter and quieter.

I couldn't even look up. Couldn't even see anymore, as if a dam broke in my eyes.

I hugged my sides, my entire body hurt. I wanted to scream for help, like I was having a heart attack.

No, I wanted to poison myself dead.

Why else would I love to hurt my own body so much? Was I some sort of masochist? No, I hate myself. That's all. I hate myself so much I'd rather see myself slowly dying than to admit how much I loathe my own existence.

Testing my experiments on myself? Of course I'd test it on myself, because deep down, I'm praying it works while convincing myself I have some sort of will to live.

Because no matter what, my insecure heart, whispers in my mind... how no one would miss me. Why do I act like that? Of course I'd be missed. Of course people would cry and mourn. I'm just selfishly denying reality.

"Laugh then! Fucking laugh! Is it fun seeing me like this?! I hate you! I hate you nearly as much as I hate myself! Go away! I don't understand... I don't get it! What do you want from me?!" My knees gave out, and I fell to the floor, holding myself like it'd even make a difference.

Still. The bastard wouldn't even say a word. I bet if I looked up, he'd be doubled over trying to cover a laugh.

I'd laugh too, because this is such a joke.

"Go away... leave me alone already..." my heart truly was breaking. It felt so much like it did when my mother told me how much of a mistake I was. How much she wished I was never born, because everyday, I brought her misery just by breathing.

It hurt. This is what I wanted to hide from. This humiliation and pain.

I was so close. Yet who the hell is this guy to just show up in my life and lead me around the nose? He succeeded. Whatever sick sadistic plan he had, it worked flawlessly.

Something warm touched me, before I was smashed into a chest. I nearly couldn't breathe how hard I slammed against him.

I felt my world shatter... seeing her big pink eyes fill with tears as she yelled at me. Her sweet face twisted, stricken with so much grief, I felt unnerved. What was happening?

I thought she'd get angry, hit me a little, tell me how mad she was. Not this...

I never wanted to make her cry. Anyone else's tears wouldn't even make me take a second glance... but Rose wasn't just anyone.

She was like an angel. A small little cherub gracing me from heaven. So cute, so sweet and funny, always something new to tell or show.

It why I couldn't bring myself to tell her, because I might risk losing her.

Like right now, I felt I was losing her, as she cried at me to go away.

How could I leave? Leaving her here like this, was no different than dying at this point. How long have I known her for? How many times has she comforted me, helped me, been there with me...

The little girl crumpled to the floor, and never before have I seen anyone so vulnerable before myself. The girl who'd drink a poisoned cup of tea like a grown man chugging beer. The little girl who put her little brother's clothes on to put on a comedic skit for her mother when she caught a cold. The same little girl who cursed like a sailor and amused me to no end with her ramblings. The little girl who had so many ideas, I worried she'd pop if she got anything more into her head. So smart, so lovely and sweet.

Now hugging herself like a child.

I felt my own eyes feel hot. Was this my punishment? I lied. I really did, but I never expected how much of an impact this would have. Maybe I underestimated myself in her mind. Perhaps I meant more than I ever assumed.

Crouching down, hesitating for only a moment, before aggressively crushing her in my arms. The scent of vanilla and roses filled my mind, and the salty scent of tears. She felt cold to the touch, her little body shaking.

"I'm not going anywhere" I couldn't stop my own second nature of wanting to possess this little figure. To tie her up and leave her in a safe place, where only I could love and protect her. Such dark thoughts scared me once, yet felt so natural now.

This girl is mine. Rosalia is mine. How could I leave without her?

Kai himself wasn't good at talking, especially feelings.

I simply loved teasing her, seeing how her face would change expressions.

Telling her how I felt... could I even do such a thing?

I would if it meant she'd get it out of her head, that I was going anywhere. Not without her. If I had to keep her unconscious and locked away, I'd damn sure would without a sliver of guilt. If it meant she was safe, I'd do it.

Bowing my head and leaning on her shoulder, my raspy voice whispered.

"I love you"

Feeling the girl in my arms freeze, tensing up like I shocked her with lightning. I still held her close against me, in case she had ideas about running.

"Y-you... you're confused... you don't l-love me..." she choked out painfully slow. I growled in my chest.

"Who are you to tell me how I feel?" I pulled back, before firmly grasping her chin. I had her arms pinned against my chest and her own body. She couldn't struggle away.

Her eyes were blood shot, teary, and she looked so pitiful.

"How do you know what I feel? Do you even know how long I've loved you? How much I've longed to hold you in my arms? To hear you laugh? I've been patient long enough. You are mine. Whether you like it or not" her eyes widened in fear and slight horror.

That's fine. I don't care anymore. I will make her realize how much I love her.

How badly I want her. I want to have all of her, her heart, her mind, her body, her soul. I want to know everything about her. Even down to the smallest details.

All of it. I want everything.

She tried to struggle, but it only served to piss me off too.

Standing up with her still firmly within my arms, I threw her onto the bed.

She bounced up once, before she tried to recover and gain her senses.

I didn't allow it.

I ruthlessly ripped off the dainty bracelet on her wrist, before tossing it to an empty corner.

She gasped in horror, tried to push me off.

Granted, she's far stronger than a human, but I'm not the least bit human.

A beast-man's strength is hundreds of times stronger, and I'm a full blood. Her strength was little more than what a toddler could use compared to me.

Why was she so desperate for strength when I could just protect her?

Though, her ambitions were my own, so I'd let her play around however she wanted if it didn't hurt her.

"Stop! Kai!" She cried out when I pinned both her wrists above her head with a single hand.

"Did you know? My full name?" I whispered in her ear, enjoying the shiver and her little whine.

"My full name is Kailine Xavier Violet... how ironic you guessed the middle name my mother gave to me" She froze, her face was slightly pale.

"I used to hate the name you know? I was angry at my mother for the longest time... for leaving me alone with that man. I hated the name she gave me, but when you said it... it felt good. I slowly began to like the name which only you called me" I brushed my lips against her own, she tried to turn her head away, but I grabbed her jaw and forced her to face me. To look into my eyes and see how serious I was.

"You told me once. How you didn't understand how a person could kill another just for bullying the person they liked. How you were confused as to why someone would go so far as to imprison the one they loved. That to you, it didn't sound like love..." my voice was low, as I easily slid my knee in between her legs and pressed roughly against her.

This gave me a satisfactory cry from her lips.

"But you know... I'm more than willing to do all those things. You might call it sick and twisted. Maybe I'm freak too. I might not know the pure love, the kind where I'd step back and allow you to choose another, happy for you just because you were satisfied. I don't have that, I'm not human. I don't run like a normal man, my kind don't fall in love like that. It's obsessive and wild, I love you so much I'd break your cute little ankles so you could never run away from me. I'd slaughter your entire family and rape you till you went delirious and couldn't think of anyone else but me. I'd keep you locked in my house forever, and spoil you with everything but your freedom. I'd kill all nine generations of any man who'd dare try and take you away from me. I'd set this Kingdom on fire and leave back to the Kingdom of my own kind, I'm of royal blood there you know? I could kill every other royal, and I could legally sit on the throne. I could become king and make you my Queen. I'll give you whatever you want, except for me leaving you. If you hate me, that's fine. If you hate yourself, that's fine too. I'll give you cute little kids with adorable little ears and a tail. I'll never make you feel lonely. I'll make you love yourself as much as I do" I pressed my lips against her own. Her body went slightly limp, and it was easy enough to push my tongue inside her mouth.

A small purr vibrates through my chest, as I finally got to taste her sweet little mouth.

I didn't pull away until she needed air.

Seeing her flushed face and teary eyes, staring at me slightly confused and blank, I smiled. A real smile.

"Y-you... you're crazy" she gasped out, panting slightly, and her swollen lips made me happy.

I nodded, kissing her cheeks, her forehead, her nose and exposed neck.

"Only you make me like this you know. I didn't tell you who I was... because even I get scared of some things. I wasn't strong enough at the time to defy my father, to keep you safe. I worried you'd reject me, leave me..." I murmured against her soft skin. I felt my teeth ache to bite it.

My kind marked like animals, by leaving our scent all over them.

"I... I don't understand... I could never... reject you" She trembled, and I released her wrists when I was sure she wouldn't run. I wrapped my arms around her waist and laid my head against her chest, enjoying her racing heart.

She doesn't realize does she? How happy those words make me.

"I thought... I thought you didn't tell me because you... I thought you were using me like a joke... or maybe just felt obligation towards me..." I held her tighter, moving my head to look down at her sad eyes.

"It is my duty to protect you. I made it that way, I would do anything for you. I'd give my life if it meant you would be alright" her eyes opened wide.

"You are mine... Rosalia D Vermillion. I want you as my wife, my mate, my everything. I want to raise children with you, the right way. I want to wake up every morning beside you, to take you on dates wherever your mind wants to wander. I want to kiss you when you stare off into space. Be mine Rosalia. Be mine willingly. I don't want to ever hurt you, but if you want to try running, I'll hunt you down and force you. If I have to break you a little, and heal you by my side, then I will" She let out a broken sob, but I didn't give any leeway.

If she wanted to reject me now, then I'd take her until she felt nothing but need for me.

If she tried to run later and break the trust I'd put in her, then I'd break her when I caught her. I'm not leaving the best options, admittedly, but I didn't feel the need to lie ever again to her.

I missed her lips for a moment.

"I'll never lie again. I'll never betray you. I'll never leave you. Just stay by my side. I'll be happy spoiling your every whim" I murmured against her skin, enjoying how good she felt against me.

She was silent for a moment, I knew she was a cautious person.

But she finally spoke, thankfully before my patience ran thin.

"Okay..." she whispered out.

"You can't lie to me. You can't leave me, no matter how crazy I am. You can't hurt me either, don't break my ankles please... that's just scary. You can't hit me, or say mean words. You have to let me touch your ears and tail. I want full access to your family library even before marriage. I get to name the kids, you can pick the middle name... I want a big wedding and a really pretty dress..." her small arms wrapped around my neck as my breathe caught in my throat.

"I get to wear your shirts to sleep. You need to propose properly too. You get on one knee with a pretty ring and flowers. You have to try all my cooking and even if it's bad, tell me you like it. If I knit you a sweater, you have to wear it even if it's kinda ugly. You can't talk about any bedroom matters to your friends or coworkers. If I'm..." a small gasp left her when I licked her neck, my happiness overflowing. I'd welcome any selfish requests like this.

"If I'm pregnant and tell you I'm craving something, you better rush right away to get it for me" I couldn't help the laugh that left my throat and I agreed to her every demand.