Chapter 57

Its double updates today. Chapter 56 and 57. I leave this in case if you didn't get the notification for the previous one.

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"Between you and my brother, is it love or obsession?" Shendu asked indifferently. "Love is fine. But if it's obsession, I don't want him to get hurt."

Li Yan looked at him emotionlessly and pushed the sword away again. "Both. I love him, but I'm also obsessed with him."

Shendu nodded slowly. His eyes narrowed. "Your Majesty, the first time you saw him and held him in your hands, I was there on the tree, reading a scroll. The day you kissed him when he was five, I was watching from behind a tree. You often disguised yourself and trespassed into our quarters under the lame excuse of teaching him. I saw everything." Shendu's eyes even darkened. "Even the incident from yesterday night." He added in an icy voice.

Li Yan did not look shaken in the least. He calmly accepted it. "So you knew it all along, didn't you? Shendu?" He spoke in a distant voice. "You can call me a pervert if you want to."

"If I thought you were a pervert, you won't be living until today, Your Majesty." Shendu replied, without moving away his eyes from the emperor. "There were a hundred beautiful women inside the Capital who are definitely qualified into the harem. But you only had your eyes on my little brother. You clearly knew he was small. But still you shamelessly groomed him and didn't try to hide your feelings."

After a long silence, Li Yan spoke in a low voice. "I knew I was wrong. Shen Nuo was small. But I couldn't help it."

"I know." Shendu said nodding grimly. "What I wanted to ask you is, Your Majesty, was that really because you're obsessed with him or because you already knew that you don't have much time to live?"

Li Yan went pale. He felt lame. For a moment, he did not know what to say. Then a faint smile spread across his lips. "You saw my golden pupils, didn't you?"

Shendu looked away with his hands behind his back. "Your Majesty, when I was small, my grandmother used to tell me a story. Li Imperial Linage succeeded in winning people's hearts and succeeded the throne after sealing a golden eyed fire phoenix who cursed Li Yang. The core of the phoenix was devoured by the first Emperor of Li, Emperor Li Yuanming. So the clan was also called as Phoenix Clan. Rarely, a person would be born to the Li bloodline with strange powers. Legends have it that ones who are gifted would naturally inherit the power of the phoenix within their blood. They are said to be unique, born with the golden flame mark on the forehead, divine eyes and power to match an immortal. Phoenix Sages, we call them. And they are not allowed to the throne since as a tradition, they will have to sacrifice themselves for  the betterment of their state one-day. After all, I just though it was only a legend. But I never expected it to be true. And most of all, I never expected you to be one."

Li Yan lowered his eyes. "Li Imperial Family has reigned Li Yang for more than two thousand years. So what you said wasn't a legend after all. It was of true existence. But, I wasn't originally the Phoenix Sage. That's a long story." He smiled to Shendu faintly. "I used to be an ordinary life like you, like a thousand others when I first saw this world. It was my father who was born as the Phoenix Sage. He was also someone like me, the only son of the family. So he was forced to hide his true identity and accept the throne. But he was a coward. He was afraid of death. He did not want to die. So using some secretive forbidden art, he passed the Phoenix Curse to me, and mercilessly pushed me, his own son to death. So the day that I was born itself, became the day I became a vessel to hold my father's curse in his place. Somehow after my sister was born, my mother found out what father did to me. She couldn't bear the shock at all. Thus, the only person that truly loved and cared for me, died. At least, your father must have loved you. But my father didn't. And still I blindly loved him, hoping that one-day he would turn to look at me and say that he loves me. Just a slightest act of warmth or care would have been enough and I would have been contented. But he didn't. It was only my wishful thinking. So I could only envy a thousand other children of my age who grew amid a pool of love. And that's how I became the cold hearted, frosty faced, lonely Phoenix Sage. I became the next Phoenix Sage after the last one, Prince Li Yuansheng who sacrificed himself seven hundred years ago. But I had to become your emperor too since I'm the only child of the main branch. It couldn't be helped."

"Also true " Shendu said grimly. "So you hid the truth from even the court and accepted the kingship."

"Yes."

Shendu nodded again, slowly. "So you will die early." He said in a cold voice. "Have you ever considered Shen Nuo's feelings then? Have you ever thought how he would face the truth one-day? How will he live after you sacrifice?"

Li Yan raised his eyes to look at Shendu, and in those eyes were purely sorrow. "Did you think I wanted to?" He asked in an empty voice. "Yes, I admit that I'm greedy. I'm selfish. Back then, I never considered Shen Nuo's feelings even for once. I only considered mine. I forced him." He sighed. "Shendu, I got to know I'm just raised for a sacrifice when I was just five. I did not understand the meaning of it back then. I felt so proud. But as I grew, I slowly realized how short my life was. Father was poisoned after my sister was born so he couldn't have anymore children. So father decided to hide the truth and pass me the throne. Father wanted me to have a son early so that our line could be secured before the day I die. It was why I was forced to marry the Princess of Xi when I was barely eighteen. Do you think it was easy for me all these times?"

Shendu was silent. His face looked grim and indifferent than ever. But his down casted eyes hid some emotions that were hard to fathom.

Li Yan sighed. "At times, I wondered from such a big world, why it was only me. I didn't have the freedom I wanted to begin with. I could only envy a thousand others around me, living their lives freely as they wanted. Other lived to chase their dreams while I lived to die. Others learned so that they could live a good life while I learned because I should die. Whole the day from morning until night, to lock myself inside my room and bury myself amid stacks and stacks of scrolls and books until my eyes ache as a prince was but because I should also be their king. When other kids played, I had to master the phoenix scrolls along with the secretive arts that are used to sacrifice the self. As a child of five, to master those heavy and hard scrolls painstakingly, knowing that every second you are practicing it, this is but to die, how would you feel? One after other, I only had nightmares. My only consolation in those unpleasant days was my sister. But since the day she was stabbed to death, I could not smiled. I only felt pain. I never smiled a single time until that day I met Shen Nuo... He was only three days old. But for some reason when I looked at his peaceful face, I felt calm and settled. Maybe that's why I chased after him to find that solace again. Perhaps my chase later would have been turned completely astray. I felt so pathetic. When I was seventeen, I did not want to die. One evening while I was tired after practicing the Phoenix scrolls, Shen Nuo unexpectedly came into my room and in my stress and blindness, I accidentally did a mistake and pulled him into heat which ended up by me taking his chastity through blood promise. I originally didn't want to prison Shen Nuo because I knew I was going to die. But it was too late. I couldn't help it. There was nothing I could do. So yes! You're right! I let the nature take it's own course and married him. I wanted to spend every single second with the person I love before I die. I knew I was wrong, very wrong even from the begining. But still I blindly sticked to it. Because from such a big world, that was all what was left for me. I destroyed your brother's future for my blind selfish desires. So hate me if you won't to. I won't blame you."

Shendu was silent for a long time as he stared gloomily at the distant sky. "Is there really no way to stop the sacrifice?"

Li Yan's eyes slowly unfocussed. Yes. Once he had wanted this same thing to happen. There was a time he did not want to die. A bitter smile curled up his lips as memories from his last life flashed back to his mind. He felt more than guilty at this thought.

In his last life, he knew he had to sacrifice himself. So he pursued Shen Nuo when Shen Nuo was still very small. He tried to spend more time with him. He once even forced him against his will. And he finally made that person his wife.

And still it was not enough. He knew everything didn't go well between them. The death of his family being related to Shen Nuo's blood caused him a considerable shock. Later, his cruel fate separated them apart. It turned out that he had done nothing but pulled Shen Nuo into his life of misery. That person was repeatedly framed and cornered. Minghe was killed and he was framed for it. Zhanhua rebelled and he was framed to have an affair with him...

When things went this way, Li Yan was really frustrated. No matter how much he wanted Shen Nuo, he did not know why, but he simply didn't get the chance. For ten years, it wasn't easy for him to protect Shen Nuo from a thousands people who wanted him dead. So he locked Shen Nuo in the darkest and the deepest prison cell where a single ray of light was never seen.

Everyone thought it was because of hate. But for Li Yan, it was because of love. For him, that was the only way back then, which would keep his beloved lover safe. There was one shocking truth that even Zhangsun did not know. In his last life, he refused to sacrifice himself because of the blind love he had for Shen Nuo.

It was said that if a Phoenix Sage did not sacrifice himself, calamity will befall the state. The truth he hid from a thousand people was, for the blind love he had for Shen Nuo, he didn't believe this at all. He ignored it completely.

He forcefully kept his dying lover alive, forcing him to drink pills to forcefully prolong his life. He wanted to spend time with Shen Nuo, as a real and a loving husband and a wife. Even if it was only for a day, it was enough. That was his only dream. But he didn't get what he wanted. He thought it was really his ill fate.

But after rebirth, when he turned back and reminded it, he slowly realized. Didn't he witness Li Yang deteriorate infront of his own eyes after all? Half of Li Yang died at the end. The Li clan was exterminated. The entire state went under flames.

And in the end, the curse that he ignored because of Shen Nuo, still proved to be true.

He slowly realized that if he hadn't ignored the curse and had believed it, maybe everything would have been alright. Shen Nuo would have been alive, maybe a thousand of people wouldn't have died...

Li Yan, in this life, did not want Shen Nuo to suffer and die, in his place, the one that should die was no one but himself...

If he wanted to protect a thousand innocent lives from dying then he should be the one to replace them...

So in this life, he thought about it. If he was born to bear this fate, then there was nothing he could do. If facing either way was to loose something he loved, then he mustn't be selfish. Even if he loose what he loved, at least a thousand other people won't loose if he sacrifice. So he had already made up his mind for this. He looked at Shendu resolutely.

"There's no way to stop it from happening. So when my time is come, if I don't want my people to suffer, I will have to sacrifice myself. So I will do it of course."

Shendu's jaws tightened. "How much time do you have?" Before you sacrifice yourself?

"Three years..."

Shendu lowered his head. His eyes had a hard expression to understand.

"You don't have to feel guilty about what you have been forced to do." Li Yan smiled painfully and gave Shendu a meaningful look. "I know you're helpless too."

Shendu felt lame. Even his cold and frosty face couldn't help but twitch at his lips. Why did Li Yan's words sound something more than merely spoken words? He felt as if stabbed. He suddenly had a terrible guess in his heart. "So you already knew." He said in a slightly hoarse voice.

"I knew." Li Yan said quietly. "I knew it was your father who killed my father. I knew he stabbed my little sister to death. I knew he was the person who poisoned the late Empress to kill her along with my unborn son back then. And I know that he is meanwhile conspiring with the Prime Minister and some several officials to snatch the throne from me."

Shendu's heart tightened. He opened his mouth but slowly shut it back when he realized he did not know what to say.

But suddenly the palm of the Emperor felled onto his shoulder, startling him. It felt so warm and friendly to the touch. Shendu raised his slightly red eyes to Li Yan only to meet Li Yan's smile. "But I don't hate you."

Shendu's eyes turned even red. "But why?"

"To be frank, there's no difference between you and me. We both had hateful frustrating fathers to begin with. We both were forced to do things against our will. We are pathetic. So perhaps, may be that's why I trust you more than anyone else, Shendu. I know you're true to yourself and never intends on harming anyone. So I'm not ordering you this mission as an emperor. But I'm asking you this favour as a friend. Don't fail me."

Shendu felled onto his knees, lowering his head. "At your service, this subject will do his best to fulfill Your Majesty's will!"

Li Yan nodded smiling painfully. "When that day comes, I want you to kill me with your own hands to cover my sacrifice and make it look like a murder."

Shendu's jaws tightened. "This subject simple won't dare." He said in a broken voice.

"You should." Li Yan said gloomily. "Our great grand mothers were the same person. Through you also runs my blood. There's no one who's capable of handling the throne unless it's you, do you understand?"

Shendu wanted to speak but he didn't. His face was lowered. So it was hard to fathom his emotions. But if one had looked carefully, warm drops stained the soil below his lowered face.

"Why should I do so?" He finally asked in an indifferent voice that was a bit hoarse.

Li Yan thought of something. The first reason he couldn't reveal was a secret. He want this to happen as a repayment for killing Shen Nuo in his last life. He wanted to pay him for what he did, in the same way. So he wanted Shendu to kill him. But there were other reasons too. He looked at Shendu.

"Because that way, you can easily win the heart of your father. All the ministers under your father's control would kneel infront of you. Other ministers don't seem to have a grudge on you. So they will be at your service too. As long as Li Yang is safe, I don't care anything anymore. I only ask you to fulfil my humble wish."

Silence...

"Protect Minghe. I don't mind whether you'll have a heir on your own. But don't leave Minghe behind. Understood?"

Still silence...

Shendu's face was still lowered. He did not speak for a while. Then he reluctantly raised his head as if to say something but was immediately stopped by the emperor's next action.

Suddenly Li Yan grasped the side of his neck, hissing in pain. He pursed his lips forcefully but they twitched and twisted convulsively. He was confused for a while. Why would his neck hurt without any reason? Then he went lame. His eyes suddenly widened. "Shen Nuo!"

Without waiting even for a second, even forgetting that he had a steed, he started running through the trees. His heart was beating wildly.

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Ok. Now honestly tell me those who still hate Li Yan? 👉 If you still hate him, then it seems I have to work hard a bit more. 🥲