CHAPTER 20

SOLOMON

It was night time. Fires were being lit in different areas of the camp for warmth. Ayla avoided me for the rest of the day. But I saw her sneaking quick glances my way even when she thought I wasn't looking. I don't know how I can get through to her. I just want her to know that I've truly changed. I'm not the same bastard that hurt her. I want her to know that I would never hurt her again. But it's so hard because every time I try to show a little bit of myself to her, she shuts it down straight away.

I scratch the back of my head and release a tired sigh as I approach her. She was sitting on the ground looking at the fire, lost in thought.

I stand beside her and clear my throat. She hears me and looks up.

"Yes?" she asks.

"I thought to let you know that, Xander has assigned me to be your guard."

She didn't reply straight away. Her eyes drifted off into the distance for a few seconds. It's what she does when she is processing things.

"Why does it have to be you? Are there no other guards?"

I was trying my best to control myself. I took a deep breath and clenched my jaw tight to try and hold my tongue. I felt my anger pushing me. I think it was because I felt a little bit hurt. Why can't she just be fine with me being her guard?

"No, there are no other guards. They are all already assigned to do things." I asked through my teeth. I don't mean to be angry. I just want her so bad, but having her not reciprocating those feelings is hard because it is completely justified. I know I should be angry at myself...and I am. But I am angrier that I don't have her in my arms. It's making me moody.

She shrugs her shoulders, "Fine."

"So, you're okay with me being your guard?" I asked gently.

Her face had no expression as she faces the fire. she shrugs her shoulders again and replied calmly, "I don't care."

I nod my head, "Good."

I got to sit next to her, but then she touches my shoulder and slightly pushes me away, "This is Milo's seat."

I held my tongue. I get up and go on the other side of her to sit down, but she does it again, "Zapora is sitting there."

"She's not here."

"But she's going t be." Ayla persisted.

I lean and growled, "So where do I sit then, Ayla?"

She leans and says, "Somewhere else."

I growled and get up. It is really hard to control myself right now. She is being so difficult. I get up and walk on the other side of the big fire and sit down. I sit right across from her And I watch her intensely. She catches me staring and don't even look away, I keep staring right at her eyes.

She stares back. For a moment, I see a little something in her eye. Something I am very familiar with...longing. But it is gone as quick as it came. I know that she hates me, I have no right to be angry right now. I should be beating myself up about it. This is all my fault. I have no one to blame but myself and I do. I hate myself for what I did because it has led me to this point in my life. I am the living example of that saying 'you reap what you sow.' I am definitely reaping what I sowed.

I looked at Ayla and see she is staring at the fire. She looked beautiful with the fire glow shining on her. She looked like an angel. My angel. My little wolf. Her blue eyes lit up as if they were glowing. Her blonde hair looked golden and her skin looked so vibrant. she was the sight of perfect. As I watch her in this moment where I could not see any pain, grief or suffering on her face, she was just sitting there looking at the fire, I felt like this is what it could be like in the future...our future.

I sighed and rubbed my eyes with my one hand. I've made a mess of my life. I am living the consequences of my actions and I will do it gladly if it meant that maybe in the future my mate will forgive me and she will come back to me. However, I admit, I am not a perfect man. She will definitely be testing me a lot. But I know that I am going to have a lot of grace for her because I know that it is my fault she is the way she is. I hope she does the same for me.

She's worth though. Every trial I will now face ahead will be a challenge, but if it means that she will be mine forever, I am going to fight my hardest. I love her with everything I have. I loved her even before we were mates and I think that makes us a little more special because I fell in love with her out of pure love. Not the love you develop when you first meet your mate.

I stand up and stretch. It was my turn to patrol for a couple of hours.

AYLA

I sit there and watch Solomon finally leave. Thank the Lord. I can breathe now. I can't think or speak when he's around. My feelings get too caught up in everything and I am afraid of confessing something.

I didn't know what I was going to do when it came to Soul. I knew that I will have to make a decision sometime. Decide whether I want to stay in this pack or leave it. Decided whether I want to be with Soul or not.

I just don't know. I see that he isn't such an asshole anymore. But who's to say that, that could change? He could switch with a snap of a finger and he could be back to his old self. I rub my temples and groan. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be with him, but that's a given because he's my mate, so of course, a part of me will always want him, but the other part of me is thinking realistically. Being with Solomon means putting myself at risk. Am I willing to do that? I've been through so much. I'm tired. I'm tired of always battling things. I'm not sure I can do this. Because no matter how much I may come to love Solomon, there will always be a part of me that will hate him too.

SOLOMON

I finish my shift and walk back to the camp. Most of the fires were out. People were sleeping in their tents. I made sure to pitch mine right next to Ayla and Milo's. I wanted to be close to them in any way I can.

As I approach my area of the camp, there was a fire still going. My mate was still sitting there even when everyone was gone. I stood and watched her from the dark.

She sat up on her knees and she slightly winced. I frowned. She took off her hoodie, leaving her in a singlet. My heart skipped slightly when I saw more of her beautiful skin. I haven't seen her like this in years.

But then all thoughts of arousal had left me in an instant when she turned around. Slashes were scarred all over her back. They seemed to be healing, but still slightly raw and tender. I see her breathe in relief as she sits down with the air blowing on her back. She grabs a bag near her and opens up a salve, I am guessing that Mia made for her. She opens it up and she begins to rub it softly on her back. Her eyes were closed as she concentrated on putting it on her wound. I clenched my jaw when I saw her back. I couldn't look at it without wanting to kill Kendrick. He tortured her. He's going to pay for every ounce of suffering he had put upon her.

I made my way to Ayla. As I approached her, she hears me and opened her eyes. They widen slightly till she composes herself.

"What're you doing around here?"

I sit down next to her and shrug my shoulders, "Just finished my shift in patrolling. And also my tent is," I point to it, "Right over there, so..."

She nods her head as she continues to rub in the salve.

"Are you okay after that rogue attacked us?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" she asks defensively.

"Oh I dunno, maybe it's because you could've been killed if I didn't get there in time?"

She stops what she's doing and looks at me with her brows pulled together, "What do you want then?" Her voice raises slightly as she speaks, "Do you want me to thank you? Do you want me to forgive you? Did you expect me to go and run into your arms."

I shook my head, "No."

Her eyes become fiercer as she speaks, "If you are looking for gratitude, I admit, you have mine. But that is ALL. There is nothing more."

I sigh. I need to control my emotions right now. It is not the time to have an outburst. I sit there in silence as she continues to treat her back. But I felt it keep building inside of me. I felt the pressure increase as time ticked away. I growled, screw it.

I sit up on my knees, "What do you expect to do, Ayla? Can't you see I am TRYING here."

Without looking she says, "I do see you're trying. What I don't understand is why you are doing it when it's not going to get you anywhere."

"What do I have to do!? It' been almost two months since you've come back. I am trying my hardest to show you I have changed. I am NOT that person anymore. For five years all I have been doing is striving to be a better man than what I was before. I understand that everything you have been through is my fault It is completely my fault. And I am SORRY! You have no idea how much this guilt has eaten me alive. I am ashamed of what I did! So PLEASE AYLA, tell me what do I have to do."

She throws the salve away and snarls, "You think it's about YOU? What you should do. What you should choose. What you are like and what you are not like? That I am waiting for you to pass my test and then you do...and so I HAVE to love. When are you going to get it."

My brows tilted in confusion as she leans in and growled, "I don't love you, Solomon. I don't. When are you going to understand that? I choose ME! I choose for myself. I take care of myself," Her eyes glossed over and her voice became shaky, "Not you. Me. Only me." Tears overflowed out of her eyes and down her cheeks, "So let me go."

I shake my head, "I can't let you go. I love you too much. You're too important. You are-"

She stands up and shouts, "Just let me go, Solomon! Let me be!"

I stand up, "I can't."

She slaps me across the face. She hits me in my chest and slaps me. I grab her wrists and she winces, "Stop, Ayla! and listen to me!"

"No, you listen!" She sobs, "I am not the girl you once loved anymore. The girl you love is DEAD! when  are you going to get it, Solomon!" I sob and say, "I don't even remember what it was like to be that girl anymore."

She cries. I cup her face and I step closer, "Ayla, we did not ask for this kind of life. Everything that has happened to this point was fate. Even if I was a good guy back then, I don't think that would have made a difference because everything that happened would have still happened," I step even closer and softly say, "We didn't ask for our sins and our suffering, they were put upon us,"

She shakes her head sobs, "But I've done terrible things. Disgusting and twisted things to survive Kendrick. I've done such unforgivable things. I've changed Solomon. I'm not that girl you became best friends with. I can't be fixed. I can't be that girl again."

I shake my head, "Look at me...look at all the wrong I did. Every single thing I did is unforgivable as well. Maybe we are both not worthy of forgiveness...that is for someone else to judge. But what I do know, is that we are worthy of each other."

She looks at me straight in the eye and saw such emotion. she has closed herself off from me this whole time that seeing that kind of emotion, that overwhelming feeling wave over her, I had hope.

Then what surprised me the most was that as she cried, she leaned into my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight.

I kiss her forehead and whisper in her hair, "Everything is going to be okay, little wolf."