Chapter 16

I raised my lowered gaze. Only then did I see his face in detail. The reality, which had been hidden by fear, peeled off one by one.

Shadowy eyes as if they were not sleeping properly, hollowed cheeks, ghastly pale skin, blue lips, and–

A precarious look as if he was about to collapse any time soon.

“Laure······.”

His voice cracked.

“Laure, Laure······. Why······.”

“······.”

“Why did you left me?”

His lips trembled. I couldn’t believe it even when it’s already in front of my eyes. His blue eyes that were overflowing with emotions seemed to be a lie.

A drop of tear flowed down Calix’s cheek.

“Why, did you abandon me?”

“······.”

“Because you think I have an affair? Did you think I’m gonna betray you? That, that·····.”

“······.”

“Does that make sense? How can you·····!”

“Calix, I·····.”

“How can you not trust me?! How!”

Calix cried out, screaming. There was a storm brewing in his cold blue eyes.

With an unfathomable depth, a sea filled with all sorts of emotions could be seen in there.

*  *  *

Calix could lay his life for Laure if she wanted him to.

However, he didn’t want to die while looking for her.

Even if he has to die, he will die after finding her.

That’s why, not yet.

He can’t die just yet. Furthermore······.

– You know it. The fact that I’m the only one who can save you·····. Are you going to keep rejecting me?

There’s no way he would fall for that woman’s tricks.

Calix clenched his fist.

Almost looking like a corpse, only his bluish eyes shone distinctly.

*  *  *

At first, Calix thought it wouldn’t take him long to find Laure.

But as it passed a week, two weeks, and a month, he began to become excessively anxious.

What if I continuously can’t find her? At this rate, what if I lose her forever?

No. That can’t be.

He squeezed his arms, pressing down his soaring anxiety. His fingernails pierced sharply into his raw flesh, resulting in a red abrasion. It was a self-inflicted habit that he had developed after Laure’s disappearance.

Thanks to this, his arm was mottled to the point that it looked like it had been bitten by an animal, or like a rag doll that was made by sloppily patching up.

Even if those worried about him encouraged him to rest, Calix could only shake his head.

It has already been three days since he hasn’t been able to sleep.

His eyes were hollow and his complexion was ashen. He’s tired of the rough journey and he had no strength in his body because he couldn’t even eat properly.

However, Calix couldn’t rest.

For him, it was such a waste of time to go to sleep and to just sink into a sea of oblivion.

What if, what if while he was asleep, his men found a clue about her whereabouts and missed it because he was foolishly sleeping? How could he dare sleep when these kinds of thoughts fill him with unease?

However, having her in his dreams also wasn’t bad.

Though he wasn’t sure if it’s a dream or a nightmare. In his dreams, Laure was laughing charmingly while the cherry blossom petals scattered all around with the wind.

And even if it is, for him it was a very sweet nightmare.

Because in there, he was able to see her. He was glad to catch a glimpse of her.

After waking up from his dreams, he always shed tears. He felt so happy, so in love, so desperate and so hopeless.

‘Laure.’

Laure, Laure. He has lived by calling that name all his life.

From some point, his world started to revolve around her. She was the gravity, the sun, and the light that embraces him. Without Laure······.

He didn’t feel like living even for a single moment.

His world is without color. He felt like he was going to dry up and die.

– Calix, I’m sorry······. I couldn’t help you·····. I’m sorry I couldn’t save them······. I’m very, very sorry······.

When he lost his parents in an accident, Laure said so, hugging him tightly.

Why she was sorry, Calix couldn’t understand.

He just agreed with her. Because she’s a compassionate, gentle, and a warm-hearted person, so she feels responsible for things her power doesn’t even grasp.

– I’m sorry, Calix.

What was he thinking then, hugging Laure blankly?

There’s not much he remembers. Because during those times, he was in great shock with the despair of losing his own family. And in that bleak darkness, she was his only ray of light.

So the seventeen-year-old Calix Rochester grasped onto Laure Ecree’s ethereal light.

– Then, if you do······ Please always stay by my side, Laure. Don’t abandon me, don’t leave me. Always.

He said so without knowing what he was talking about. Just because he doesn’t want to miss that light.

In retrospect, it was from then on that he started feeling possessive of Laure.

He wanted to be the only one to monopolize her, and he was also hoping that she would never take her eyes off him for even a single moment.

Whenever she gave a glance to another man or even talked with him, he felt like his insides were turning upside down.

He wanted to kill the guy who caught her gaze, take Laure, and lock her up in a place that no one else knew.

If only he could, he wanted to label her heart. A label that will prove that Laure is only his. He wanted to put a shackle on her that she won’t be able to remove forever.

His love for her wasn’t innocent and fragile. It was very oppressive and vicious. Perhaps it was similar to madness. No, it may already be madness.

So······.

So if it continues like this, that he can’t find her.

If he spends a month, a year, or ten years without her·····.

He’ll go crazy.

‘If I get more screwed up than this, I don’t know what I’ll do when I see you again.’

So, please.

Please don’t break me more than this.

Calix sighed and buried his face in his hands.

In his dark vision, Laure’s image repeatedly appeared and disappeared. Her voice rang in his head. –Please be happy with her.

Calix laughed.

‘What do you mean ‘her’····· you believed that crap? You’re the only one for me. There was no one else but you.’

After growing up and becoming quite manly, there have been many women who tried to approach him.

The ladies who just need a man to be their lover for a night, the courtesans which are full of thoughts of capturing and exploiting the Grand Duke of the Empire.

Sometimes even the noble ladies who purely adore him.

However, Calix didn’t have any interest in them.

He even wondered if there was a problem with himself. Even when attractive women tried to arouse his lust, there’s really, not even a tiny excitement that had taken place.

But every time he sees Laure·····.

Even if Laure, which was two years younger than him, doesn’t change the lousy t-shirt she likes to adorn. Whenever he sees her wrist that is slightly exposed under the cuffs, her slender nape, and her feverish pink lips that are partly open·····

His insides boil and it felt unbearable.

Instead of kissing her cheek, he wanted to bury his face on her clavicle and ravage it.

He developed and cultivated superhuman self-control.

He bit his lips and pressed his desire to covet to his heart’s content.

Because she might get surprised and run away.

She was already scared of him, and he still could feel some sense of distance from her, he didn’t want to ruin the relationship that he had made with difficulty. All his efforts shouldn’t be put in vain.

And because Laure will be his bride anyway. There was no need to rush.

With that kind of mindset, two years have passed patiently.

At the age of twenty, Laure bloomed beautifully. She doesn’t seem to know herself, but when Laure smiles softly, curving her eyes, nine out of ten passers-by catches their breath.

To those hoodlums who approached and tried to catch a glimpse of her beauty, the fact that Laure Ecree was the fiancée of the Grand Duke of Rochester was not very important.

‘Isn’t it just a political marriage anyway?’ Such gossips also played a part. ‘Grand Duke Rochester said it was difficult to hold her hand. It doesn’t seem like they have a very close relationship.’

Stupid bastards.

Calix jeered at them.

The reason why he finds it difficult to touch Laure is that he’s not confident he’ll be able to control himself.

Just by grabbing that slender shoulder a little, no, even by just looking at it. His patience always seemed to reach its limit.

But to distort it like that was very outrageous.

Calix felt the need to claim Laure as his own.

He could no longer tolerate seeing those bastards approaching her. It was unbearably unpleasant. Without knowing their place, how dare they······.

So he approached Laure and held her hand. Kissed the back of it which was wearing lace gloves, looked straight at her eyes, and asked.

– Laure. Won’t you spend the night with me?

The look she made at that time.

He couldn’t forget it no matter how time passed. The look of surprise and beguilement.

– Your request, I’m willing to accept it.

The voice that answered eventually was slightly trembling.

At that time, he thought it was simply because she was afraid of having her first night. But looking back, it didn’t seem to be just that. She has indescribable anxiety.

‘Laure, what are you so afraid of?’

He couldn’t understand why she didn’t trust him. Why did she think that he would abandon her, why she assumed that he had betrayed her, and as a result, left him.

He had a throbbing headache. Calix led his tired body to the place where his suitcase was.

He took out a headache pill and swallowed it, then heard a knock on the door. He glanced at it and said,

“Come in.”

“Yes, your grace.”

Click. It was Tess Rumbury, Calix’s knights’ deputy commander, who opened the door.

She was his faithful knight, but she was unhappy with this trip- no, to be exact, she was unhappy with Laure’s sudden departure.

Hiding his fatigue, Calix asked.

“What’s the matter?”

“I’ve brought back some information from the kingdom of Alona. Shall I read it for you?”

“No, leave it. I’ll read it myself.”

“Yes.”

Tess responded gently and handed over the documents. But before leaving the room, her eyes were full of worries as she looked back at Calix.

Perhaps even anger.

Although she didn’t dare express it.

“What are you doing? Get out.”

“······Yes.”

As a subject who pledged a knight’s oath of devotion, she dares harbor personal feelings towards her master, which she should not, and even if she does, she won’t be able to express it for the rest of her life.

Tess resents Laure for abandoning her master and running away.

While being loved so much.

While receiving an overflowing and infinite affection.

From a very young age, ever since she entered the infantry, since she was still holding a feather duster and not a sword.

Tess knew how rare Calix’s affection was.

His cold blue eyes were gentle only when he looks at Laure Ecree.

······His grace was very expressive with his feelings.

So how could she not know his sincerity?

Tess bit his lips with a dark expression.

Calix was concentrating on the papers, never giving Tess a glance.

“······.”

After observing him quietly, Tess left the room without a single sound.

It has been a month since he went on a trip to find Laure Ecree.