chapter 7

Life, Love, and ShivaAs expected, Shiva was beside herself when I told her about the rule: ‘move out of hostel’.“You are not going anywhere. Screw him and his rules. If he can’t accept your hostel life and timings, then so be it. We are not moving. Mariam my ass. I am not leaving the comforts, well discomforts, of this pathetic hostel,” she declared, crossing her arms stubbornly. She was fuming with rage. I decided not to provoke her further.Unexpectedly, she agreed with his second rule. ‘Change your wardrobe.’“He is not totally wrong, you know. I didn’t want to say it to you, but darling, you really need to bring up your wardrobe to the Delhi standard.”“I cannot meet their standards ever,” I pointed at Riya, who was chatting animatedly down the corridor. “Oh, not her, she is A-class bitch,” she mimicked Riya’s artificial gestures. I was stunned to see how quickly Shiva had adapted to Delhi’s culture and most importantly, language. “But it’s just that your mother didn’t do you any favors by donating you her old sarees.” I saw pity in her eyes, and it offended me. “Why did she do this to you?” Shiva wondered out loud.“Now we would never know, would we?” I snapped. She didn’t say anything further. She knew she had touched a sensitive nerve – a nerve called ‘missing case of Rakshit.’Following Sunday, Shiva and I went out shopping. Twenty-five-hundred seemed too much when I had pocketed them, but when I actually went to shops, they were nothing. Apparently, good clothes came at even better prices. A price I could not pay. Hence, we went to a local market to upgrade my wardrobe.We bought six kurtis, two leggings, one pair of jeans, and two tops. Winter was approaching as well, so Shiva forced me to borrow some money from her, and I bought two sweaters and a scarf. I agreed to take her money because this time I knew I would be able to pay her back.Everybody, including Pratham, was shocked and impressed by the sudden change in my appearance. Many girls thought I was getting a makeover to impress Pratham. They believed that I was doing it to be a model. Little did they know that I was being forced to do it by the ‘model-maker’ himself.Jealousy of girls was fine, but what started bothering me was unnecessary attention from the boys. It was Dev and Kunal all over again, but this time one thing was different. I was not involved with anyone. I didn’t talk to any boy, didn’t pay heed to any advances, and didn’t even look at any of them. The only boys I ever interacted with were Sarv, Ankit, and Pratham. And they were least interested in me that way. Sarv was still silently suffering in love with Shiva. Ankit was always too funny and weird. And he had a long-term girlfriend, Sahana, whom he loved dearly. Sahana was even more bizarre than Shiva. She was jovial, funny, and an introvert. I liked her and connected with her instantly. And lastly, Pratham, well he was always arrogant, brooding and working. I knew I was not his type, and of course, he was not my type.The next few weeks passed in a haze, and before we knew it, we were sitting for our exams. We wrote all our papers, and soon the results were out. And as expected, I didn’t top. And this called for another visit to the Dean’s office. “Sit down,” the dean ordered. I obeyed. I glanced at his desk; my file was opened there.“I see you maintained flawless attendance after our last meeting,” he started scanning at a page. I nodded uncomfortably. I wanted to tell him that the first three months were an anomaly in my whole studying career, but before I could speak, he continued, “You even improved upon your scores in the tests. You failed mid-sem but scored decent marks in all subsequent tests.”“I tried my best sir,” I started, but he ignored me. “However, I asked you to be a topper in the final exams. You stood twelfth,” he almost spat the last word and gave me a piercing gaze. I flinched. “Look Ishana, I know your condition has been the worst. And you are trying to do your best. But evidently, your best is not enough.”It took a moment for his words to sink in. The expressions on his face hinted that the worst was yet to come. “Twelfth rank out of hundred-plus students is good. But it is not what we expect from our all-supported scholarship student.” A tear trickled down my cheek. I didn’t even bother wiping it. “So, I am expelled?” I asked in a choked whisper.“Not from the college,” he stated.“Then?” my voice was barely audible now.“From hostel. Hostels are usually not covered in scholarship. We extended it very generously for you. But now the board wants me to revoke it. I explained to them your condition, so they are willing to pay you three-thousand per month as an allowance for outside stay. But they are not willing to pay eighty-thousand as your hostel fees per year. I hope you understand.” His words sounded ironic to me. Pratham wanted me to quit hostel, and somehow, I was being expelled from it. I had asked Mariam about the rent for her apartment before. She had told me it was twelve-thousand for the whole flat. And now with this money and Pratham’s salary, I could easily pay my share for accommodation. Was this a mere coincidence, or was it Pratham’s doing?“I am sorry, but this verdict is final. And in order to keep your scholarship, you need to stand in the top-ten in all future semesters,” and with a cautioning look, he dismissed me. “I can’t believe you are being expelled from the hostel,” Shiva thundered the moment I broke this news to my friends.“But they are supporting me financially,” I spoke timidly. “Yeah, you must be so happy. Now you can do what your precious Pratham wanted you to do, live in a freaking PG,” Shiva taunted, and I shirked. “She is not doing it desperately. And mind you, Pratham is only helping her,” Sarv interjected. Shiva’s jaw dropped. And the way her expressions faded, I realized that deep down she liked him. Maybe living together would do something good for us. Maybe it would bring my two best friends together.  Present Day in Ishana’s House“Despite missing out on three months of studies, facing so many turmoils, and taking an add-on job, you stood twelfth out of hundreds of students?” Ravi asked in a baffled tone.Ishana took pleasure in his tone and laughed, nodding.“Wow! And your dean was a screw-up. Who does that? I bet it was he who took the decision and hid behind the name of ‘The Board’.” Ravi spoke the last two words venomously.“It really doesn’t matter. I needed Pratham’s job desperately, and this expulsion ensured he was not going to fire me,” Ishana sighed. Ravi couldn’t help but notice that a mixture of smile and depression was lacing her tone every time she took Pratham’s name. He itched to ask more about him, but given he knew her answer already, he waited.   Back to College – Year 2003: Semester BreakIn the break after semester one, we dropped out of the hostel and moved into Mariam’s flat. Mariam was a kind and helpful lady who had lost her husband in the army. She was in her fifties and lived all by herself in the same building but two floors down. We were on the thirteenth floor, and she was on the eleventh. Understanding our condition, especially mine, she reduced our rent to ten-thousand. Shiva and Sarv declared that I would only pay three-thousand that I would get from the college, and rest seven-thousand they would share. We also hired a cleaner and a cook. And somehow, I didn’t know what they charged. My friends were the best.Given I was paying least, I occupied the smallest room without any fancy closet or an attached bathroom. My room housed one open rack, a small bed, and a table. The other rooms, i.e. of Shiva and Sarv, had attached bathrooms, big beds, beautiful wooden wardrobe, dressing tables, and all other least required furniture. I was happy with the amenities, and given I was a beggar when it came to owning things, I had no issues in managing in my new room. My friends knew it was my way of paying them back, so they didn’t argue about that.We got a one-month semester break, and we all went back to our hometown. I stayed with Shiva and continued my hunt for Rakshit. But it was like he had disappeared into thin air. There was no evidence left that my little brother ever existed in this wretched world.  Present Day in Ishana’s HouseRavi couldn’t help but interrupt her. “You were still looking for Rakshit?” he was shocked. Somehow he felt that she had given up on her brother long ago.“I never stopped looking for Rakshit,” Ishana replied solemnly. “Though after a time, I had stopped hoping.”Ravi stared at her for a moment, contemplating his next words, but before he could speak, Ishana continued.   Back to College – Year 2003: Semester 2We came back and started our second semester. New year, new classes, new house, and new surprises.A nice family lived in the flat adjacent to ours. And this family had a son, Mihir, who was only a few years older than us, and he took a liking to Shiva. Much to our surprise and shock, Shiva too was smitten by him. In the past months, I was thinking that she liked Sarv, and living together would bring them together. But this living situation did something else entirely. A few weeks of chitchat and Shiva started dating Mihir. Sarv took this in the worst possible way. “What the hell does she see in him?” Sarv bellowed one day. Shiva was on her date, and Sarv and I were home studying. I didn’t respond to him. I knew what he meant, Mihir was not at all handsome. He was just white as a ghost. He had the littlest eyes, sharp pointy nose, and flat square face. “Is it just his color?” Sarv continued. I sighed and looked at him pitifully.“You should tell her how you feel. How else she would know what she is missing?” He laughed at my words. I knew what his laughter meant. Proposing to Shiva was a death-wish. “Well, if you can’t propose then just pray that she sees Mihir’s reality before her heart breaks like mine did.” Now it was his turn to give me a pitiful look.“Wasn’t life much easier when we didn’t know the concept of love?” he asked ominously. “Or of betrayal!” I added, closing my eyes.We sat there for long, reminiscing in the lost loves and heartbreaks, and one thing felt sure to me. No matter what I do, I won’t fall in love again.   Spending time in college was easy. Study hard and then work harder for Pratham. Maintaining his schedule was not as easy as I had thought it would be. Accommodating his classes, extra-curricular activities, and endless appointments in a day was a nightmare. “This man is a machine,” Sarv remarked as he saw me re-do Pratham’s schedule one day. “I don’t know how he does it,” I exclaimed exasperatedly.“Maybe he has a time-turner,” Sarv added thoughtfully.“I don’t think they let the muggles borrow magical stuff,” I rolled my eyes.“Maybe he is a wizard. If he is, then he must be an expert in charms. Ever seen how those silly girls act around him?” Sarv laughed, and I laughed with him. Throwing Harry Potter anecdotes did help lighten my mood. And somehow it made me wish, what if life was a magical world and I had a time-turner myself. I could turn back time and re-live all the gory days to make them better. Then I would still have my father and my brother with me. And I won’t be scarred with the reputation of ‘slut’.  In college, though I worked for Pratham, I hardly interacted with him. I mostly worked with Ankit, and I really enjoyed his company. It was like I had found a new friend. “He hasn’t complained once about your work,” Ankit informed one day. I beamed. “Either you are too good, or he is too scared of you.” I mock punched and laughed with him.Working for Pratham had given a new meaning to my life. I was studying, working, and saving money to find Rakshit. Out of ten-thousand that he paid me every month, I spent one thousand on clothes –now I too realized what my wardrobe should look like. Three thousand on groceries and personal care –this was the least I could do for my generous friends. Saved two thousand for emergencies. And kept remaining four thousand in the ‘Find Rakshit’ bucket.My plan was to send his photo to various newspapers in different cities with a caption – ‘Has anybody seen this boy? Missing!’ I hoped someday I would reach the city he was living in, and somebody would call me. Mariam was kind enough to allow me to use her phone as contact. I started with Delhi newspapers last month, and this month I had given an advertisement in Noida’s. And each day I prayed somebody would call me with good news. Somebody would recognize my brother from the picture. Somebody would unite us before he was all grown up, and the picture was outdated. But two months had passed, and there was no news. I didn’t lose any hope still. Next month I planned to send it to Ghaziabad.Time passed and much to our surprise, Shiva and Mihir got serious. Mihir’s family often called Shiva at their home and spent time with her. Sarv hated them for it.Though I was happy superficially, I was depressed within. And Shiva, who knew me since forever, saw it. She knew spending weekends home alone with Sarv –who was writhing in his own misery– was fatal for my health, so she started forcing me to tag-along on her dates. But I was hesitant. Why would I be a third-wheel in their relationship? But she insisted. She threw her usual tantrums, and I decided to join. Shiva and I went to meet Mihir, and much to my surprise, Mihir was not alone. One of his friends had accompanied him.Santosh Rathi looked like a man. He was dark, stout, and had a crooked nose. He had those small shrewd eyes that said he was a bastard. But he was polite. Four of us started at a common table, but an hour later, Shiva and Mihir retired to a more private corner, leaving me with Santosh.“How old are you?” he asked. I gaped at him in shock. “Just asking to ensure I am not out of bounds here, you are eighteen, right?” he clarified with raised arms. I nodded. If he did not want to be with an under-aged girl, then maybe he wasn’t that big a jerk I thought him to be.“How old are you?” I repeated his question.“Oh, so you do speak,” he eyed me particularly and laughed. His laugh was not contagious, but I still smiled with him. “I am twenty-eight,” he announced, and I tried to contain my shock. He was almost a decade older than me. Wow!“What do you do?” I asked, just to be polite. “I own a furnishing shop in the Khan Market,” he added the last two words impressively. I wondered what was so special in Khan Market but didn’t ask. Who cared!“So, you are studying BA English?” he asked casually. “And Mihir tells me you are a genius. I myself never studied properly. I dropped out after high school and joined my father’s shop. Now, I am the king of the furnishing area. Ask me anything, I am a genius in my field,” he finished with pride. “Not studying is a good thing?” I asked sarcastically.“Recognizing your true potential and then moving in that direction is a good thing.” He corrected, and his words forced me to dwell on where did my true potential lie. Was I moving in the right direction?Shiva and I came back to our apartment a few hours later, and I realized she was blushing, hard. “What? You are smiling as if Mihir proposed to you,” I enquired. And at this, she showed me a big black phone. “Mihir gifted it to me as our two-month anniversary present. Can you imagine, I forgot that he proposed to me two months ago, and he remembered.” Her happiness knew no bounds. Shiva not remembering such dates was expected, but Mihir remembering said something. “He is paying for it. The bill would be in his name, so I don’t have to worry about anything. All I need to do is talk to him.”“You both are next-door neighbors,” I asked weirdly. “It is to talk at night… I would rather stick to the phone then meet him in person,” she finished, and I appreciated her thoughts. At least we learned something from Dev’s fiasco.   Present Day in Ishana’s HouseIshana paused because Ravi had the weirdest expressions on his face. “Sorry, I am unable to believe that Shiva, the tomboy, fell in love with this guy Mihir,” Ravi remarked, covering his mouth. He was giggling now.“Well, yeah! What do you know? Even a girl like Shiva can fall in love,” Ishana answered casually.“And what about this Santosh. He was so old. I think it was a trap, and Mihir was in on it… why else would he bring an uncle to meet a teenager? Maybe Sarv was right, Mihir was using Shiva and luring you.” Ravi finished his diagnosis, and Ishana gave him an impressed look but didn’t respond. Instead, she just continued with her story as if there were no interruptions.Â