Chapter 59

Chapter 59

At first there was complete shock on his face. The shock slowly morphed into understanding as the words settled in his head followed by a deep sigh as he took his seat. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him looking at me but I couldn’t bear to meet his eyes. I wanted to be able to keep a clear head and an even clearer mind while he spoke.

“I don’t know where to start,” he began. “I don’t know where the issue started from. I don’t know what you saw or what you heard but I know one thing is I would have never dreamed of doing anything to hurt you. Camilla, I lo-,”

“Don’t say it, please,” I was annoyed at how weak my voice sounded. I was annoyed that I knew what he was about to say and I didn’t want to hear it because those three words would promptly end this conversation and I would be back in his arms like nothing ever happened.

I hated how weak it made me feel and how easy it would be for him to just sway me and get me back in his arms like nothing happened. Everything was suddenly so confusing because I don’t even know what to believe anymore. I don’t know if I should believe what I saw or what mother and Ryker say.

I know I believe my mother because she wouldn’t lie to me and I hate to say it but I already believe Ryker. Judging by what mother said, he didn’t cheat but that doesn’t explain what I saw. It is like there is a war raging in my head and I don’t know what is real and what isn’t anymore. I don’t know who to believe or if I can even trust myself at this point.

“Camilla,” Ryker’s voice was soft and pleading. “I have never looked at Lauren twice since I met you. I don’t want her, I have never wanted her. Since the moment you stumbled across my border, even when I told you I didn’t want a mate, even when you wouldn’t look me in the eye like you wouldn’t right now. I was wholly and completely yours from the first moment our eyes met and I don’t know what I can say to make you believe me because you know what you saw and I believe you when you say you saw that but I know for a fact that I was nowhere near Lauren while you were at the pack house.”

“Then who was with her?” I asked finally turning to face him. “Who was the man who looked exactly like you that she was f**king in your office? She was bent over your desk and someone was standing behind her. Who was it if not you?”

“I don’t know.”

I threw my hand up in frustration and stood to my feet. If I had a scrap of sense or dignity, I would walk away right now. It makes no sense how I know I saw him there but he is adamant that nothing happened and he wasn’t even there. If someone else were in my position I would have told them to leave because he was trying to gaslight them but I am here and I can see the sincerity in his

eyes.

He looked just as frustrated as I did. He looked annoyed by the entire thing and he just looked sad. He looked like he wanted it all to be over and his emotions mirrored mine because I wanted it all to be over. I wanted to be back in his arms, I wanted to forget everything and I just wanted him.

I ran my hands down my face in barely concealed frustration and I could see Ryker watching me carefully as if I was a ticking time bomb on the brink of explosion. He looked like he was preparing for the worst case scenario.

“Where is Lauren now?” I asked. “Where has she been in the past four years?”

“I would assume she was in the pack but I’m not sure because I never checked on her once. I didn’t care what she was doing because my main focus was finding you. My only reason for waking up every day was to find you. I told you a few days ago that she wasn’t found at the pack. I don’t know how long she has been missing.”

“You don’t have a child with her,” I repeated just to be sure and he nodded.

“You are the only woman I have and have ever wanted a child with. If Lauren truly was pregnant then you

would know because I would never shy away from my parental duties and you know that. I don’t know exactly what you saw Camilla but I know this, you cannot believe a word Lauren says. I couldn’t get Lucy to come over but she is adamant that she never had any sort of conversation like that with Lauren.”

Iwanted to pull my hair out and scream. If he truly doesn’t have a child with Lauren then she lied. The problem is was Lucy in on that lie? Was everything I saw a lie? I don’t know what is real and what is not anymore. It is frustrating and it makes me feel like I am running in circles. It makes me feel like I am in the woods blindfolded and I am nearing a cliff but I don’t know how to avoid it before I fall to my death.

“What now?” I asked softly because I didn’t know what else to do or say. “What happens now?”

“I’m doing everything I can to find Lauren. She is the only other common denominator in everything and she is the only person who knows the truth. I don’t expect you to believe me or come back to me Camilla but I truly hope that you give me a chance. I miss you and you don’t want me to say it but I love you. You are all I have thought of in the past four years. I scoured every corner of the earth looking for you. I went to your mother and I went to every pack I could just to find you.”

“Why would you do that?” my voice was small and I almost didn’t ask the question because I was scared of his response. “Why would you spend so much effort in finding me if I just stood up and left? You should have cut your losses and moved

on.”

“There is no greater loss than losing you.” He was on his feet now and he crossed the length of the room until he was standing directly in front of me.

I looked up at him and the raw emotion in his eyes almost made me stumble. His hand reached up to cup my face and I knew I should pull away but I allowed him hold me. I allowed him stroke his thumb across my cheek softly and I allowed myself relax in his hold even though I knew I should be doing better.

He knew exactly what words to say and I felt them permeate the deepest parts of my heart. It felt like we were in our own personal bubble and for once, I could forget everything that had happened and just do what I wanted to do which was be with him. I saw his eyes fall to my l*ps and there was a sharp tug in my lower belly.

“Ryker,” I breathed softly, “We shouldn’t. It will get too complicated and the last thing we need is more complications.”

“There is nothing complicated about wanting my mate.”

“Ryker,” it was meant to come out as a warning but it sounded more pleading.

He leaned closer until our l*ps were practically brushing and I couldn’t even bring myself to pull away. The truth was that I wanted it just as much as he did.

“Let’s start over,” his l*ps moved against mine with every word. “While we search for the truth, let us start over. I want you Camilla and I don’t want to live one more second away from you.”

“This isn’t how to start over. If we were to start over then we would be strangers before becoming friends or anything more) We have a daughter Ryker, there is no starting over for us.”

“Then let me have you, in any way that you want me to. I am merely a footstool to be used at your disposal. I would rather be a speck of dust in your world than a king in a world where you do not exist. I love you Camilla.”

Everything was too much; the words, the feel of his l*ps against mine. My head was spinning and this time I clearly knew that I was the one who bridged the gap between us when I k*ssed him. I knew that it was completely irresponsible and st upid of me to do that but I couldn’t bring myself to care as my hands wrapped around his n*eck…

His hands held my hips and pulled me flush against him so I could feel every ridge and contour of his b*dy as he ravaged my l*ps. I may have been the one who k*ssed him first but he was the one who was in control. He claimed my mouth with unmatched passion and I could feel every bit of emotion that he poured into that k*ss.

His fingers slid to my a*s and when he squeezed softly, I let out a soft moan. He used the opportunity to sl*p his tongue inside and as his tongue caressed my mouth, I could feel myself getting impossibly wetter and I knew that I wanted him- in my bed, in my heart, everywhere. I just wasn’t sure how things would play out if I did.

Suddenly, Ryker pulled away and he ran his hands through his hair while muttering the word f**k over and over again. He started to pace the length of the room and I could see that he was confused and conflicted. I had my hand over my l*ps that were still stinging and tingling and I didn’t know how to respond to the warring emotions inside me.

“I don’t want you to regret this,” Ryker said when he had calmed down. “You already regret it the first time. I don’t want you to regret this a second time. I can deal with you avoiding and hating me but I cannot deal with you hating yourself for a -decision we both made.”

“I don’t regret it,” he glanced up at me with a look of disbelief. “I don’t know what is going on but I know that I don’t regret it. I’m confused Ryker. On one hand I believe you but on the other hand, I know what I saw. I don’t know what is happening

and I don’t want to make this more complicated than it already is.”

He still looked unsure so I sighed. “Audrey comes into my room every morning and I didn’t want her to see us together and start assuming things. I don’t want to hurt our daughter by making her think something is happening and then have her hopes shattered.”

By the time I finished speaking, I expected him to say something but instead, he just stayed there staring at me with wide eyes as if he was shocked. I wanted to ask why he was looking at me like that but I knew it was only a matter of time before he told me by himself.

He crossed the length of the room until he was standing in front of me and then his hand reached out to stroke a stray strand of hair behind my ears. There was a look in his eyes, one that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

“You said our daughter,” he said after a beat of silence. “I don’t know if you’ve said it before but hearing you say it now. I don’t know how I feel but I loved hearing it.”

“She is your daughter, Ryker,” I said simply. “And if we are going to do this then we have to keep her out of it. I don’t know what’s going to happen after the coronation and I don’t know how we are going to work things out between us but we can figure that out later. For now, I just want to make sure that no one gets hurt.”

“That’s exactly what I want,” he assured me.

This time, he made the move and he k*ssed me. I don’t know how long we stood there in the dead of night with our l*ps speaking multitudes of words for us. It felt so innocent and pure but also forbidden because the last thing I wanted to do was pull away.

It wasn’t until I heard the clock chime 8 that I pulled back and I remembered that I was supposed to read Audrey a story before bed. Ryker must have been thinking the same thing because he cursed under his breath.

I made sure I was presentable before finally rushing out of the room and into Audrey’s room. She was still awake when we both got there and she had a book waiting in her lap. Her eyes were downcast when I first walked in but when she saw me, she smiled widely and sat up.

Ryker appeared from behind me and it was like her smile grew impossibly wider. I tried to ignore his close proximity and the fact that I was currently dripping wetness between my thighs as I read to my daughter. She giggled the entire time and by the time I closed the book, she was staring up at me with sleepy but happy eyes.

I pressed a k*ss to her nose, “Goodnight Audrey, I love you.”

“I love you too mummy,” she yawned before turning to Ryker. “I love you daddy.”

I saw the physical impact of her words land like a blow on Ryker and his eyes grew wet as he leaned down to k*ss her hair. I could feel every emotion of his through our bond and it felt like I was intruding on such a special moment between them.

“I love you princess,” he muttered against her hair.

He finally pulled away and I stood to my feet. When I shut her door behind us, I turned to Ryker to gauge his reaction and he looked completely stunned as if he couldn’t believe what had just happened.

“How does it feel?” I asked him. “The first time she said it back to me I cried for hours.”

“Overwhelming,” he said in response to my first question. “I just can’t wrap my head around it. She just met me and she loves me. I love her too but it’s different for us, isn’t it? We’re her parents, we are supposed to love her.”

“Don’t over think it,” I told him. “Appreciate the moments now before she becomes a teenager and her default setting is to hate us.” He laughed and I found myself smiling softly.

Suddenly, the air stretched thick and I knew this was the moment. I could say goodnight and he would leave like nothing happened downstairs or I could invite him into my room knowing fully well what I was starting and what can I was opening. Whether it would be a can of worms or a good one was yet to be determined.

“Goodnight Camilla,” Ryker said but he made no effort to leave.

He was putting the ball in my court and giving me the chance to make a choice for myself. I knew that whatever choice I made, he would go with it. He wouldn’t hold it against me and he wouldn’t try to make me feel stu pid for it. He would take whatever it is that I was offering and he wouldn’t complain.

That is one of the things that made me fall in love with Ryker in the first place, the fact that I knew he would never push. The fact that I knew he was always willing to do whatever it took to make me comfortable. I could feel a familiar feeling building up in my chest as I stared at my mate and I knew if I took my time, I would be able to place a name to that feeling but I didn’t want to.

It felt like hours that I stood there silent but in reality it was only a few seconds. I had already made my decision and I looked him square in the eye as I spoke.

“Would you like to come in?”