:: 26 ::

A SIDE EFFECT OF FEELING

Wang Yibo P.O.V

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The same female voice keep repeating the same thing over and over again on the phone. I've been trying to contact Zhan ge from the morning. It's eleven at night right now but he doesn't take my calls. Why do you keep doing this Zhan ge? Why does it have to be like this? What did I do wrong?

I don't know. I feel like I'm choking. No, I should calm down. I can't lose control right now.

This isn't something you can just have control over in a blink of an eye. I've been practicing self control for a long time now. When Dr. Hwang told me I have delusional disorder I didn't think it would be this hard. Truth be told it isn't hard to live with delusional disorder. I've had it for a while now, isn't it? Then why is it this hard now?

I kept pacing my room to calm myself down but all it does is agitate me more and more.

Ever since Zhan ge told me we should stop whatever we were doing I don't feel like interacting with anyone. I try to keep in to myself. I try not to go out a lot. But it still hurts. I thought if I don't go out I won't see him and it won't hurt so much. But I was so wrong. It still hurts. Maybe even more.

Who do I share everything with? I've never had friends. My family doesn't care. The only person who would have listened was probably my grandma. But she's been gone. Should I go to her grave?

I didn't realize I was already in front of the door of my room to get out. But I stopped myself. If I go out now I would face too many questions, which I'm not really sure I can answer.

Can I tell ge? Will he understand? And even before I could stop myself I was standing in front of Kuan ge's room knocking on the door. Gosh what was I thinking? Should I just go back to my room now? Yes. That'll be best. Seeing the time he probably isn't in his room either.

Right when I was going to go back he opened the door. His face looks like he fell asleep. At the side of his face, on his left cheek there's a mark of paper imprinted. Is he working from home?

"Am I disturbing you?"

Ge looked startled. Then just like his habit he runs his right hand through his hair to compose himself. "No. Not at all. Yibo. Come in." His face graced the usual smile that he shows everyone.

I enter his room and sit on the chair at the side of his reading cum working table. I didn't have enough courage to sit anywhere else. This room. I've come into his room after years. Seven years to be exact. I remembered the last time I came here was when I was fifteen and it was a stormy night. I remembered how that night I saw him refuse a friend. It was raining cats and dogs, loud thunder shaking the core of the earth, dangerous lightening bolts lighting up the surroundings that was drowned in darkness for split seconds. I remembered how he reasoned that it was impossible for him to go out in this disaster, even when a friend needed him the most that it was life and death situation. That was the night that changed my point of view. I didn't have friends but I wanted to be there for them, where as my gege had friends but he gave excuses when they needed him.

"I'm sorry Kuan ge."

He looks at me weirdly. And it was reasonable because I don't really call him Kuan ge. He sensed something was off. He sat in front of me on the other chair.

"Yibo. What is it?"

"I'm sorry for treating you bad, Kuan ge."

"Yibo, tell me what is wrong?" Gege held my hand in his. Rubbing his thumb on my palm in a relaxing manner. "You can tell me anything, you know that, right?"

"Gege I love Xiao Zhan."

His hand movements stops. He looks at my face as if to try and find out the truth.

"Xiao Zhan as in Dr. Xiao Fanyu's son, Xiao Zhan?" His face shows a bit of shock. "In his hospital dad is investing?"

I just nod. I don't have any other way to express anything.

"Yibo. He is the one that made you stop sleeping around?" Now what I see in his face is smile. A dazzling smile that can light up the whole town. "That's so great. But why are you sad?"

"He wants us to stop seeing each other. He told me that on the party." A lone tear left my eye. "It hurts ge. I don't want to see him. But if I don't see him it hurts. What do I do, ge?"

Ge held my hands and gave them a reassuring squeeze. And somehow it felt okay. It felt like everything is going to be okay.

"It will be alright, didi." His voice held that same calmness and comfort it used to have when we were young. He used his smile to calm me down and it worked. Even after all these years it still works.

Did I ever say that I actually never hated my ge? Even though everyone thinks I do including Kuan ge.

He's that person who'll always be there for me. Also those others who he cares about. I don't know why he didn't help Zanjin ge that day. But it's not relevant to judge him by one decision he made that one day. I think I should let it go. Looking at his face I see a person who is so important to me. I never realized I felt that way. Then why would I burden him with that one point just to gain leverage on him. And just like an epiphany I took a decision a lifetime's worth. I will be there for my gege just like he stays there for me. And maybe one day the distance between me and my parents will go away too. Why wouldn't I hope for the better?

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So here's a new chapter.... I don't know what to say in here, so I'll just keep it short and hope that you guys forgive me for not updating for so long!

I hope you enjoy!

All the love!

C 💕

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