Run, Azure

002

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I wake up feeling heavy as hell. It may not be the first time but the sore and pain all over my body is still a dead give away of what happened last night. It happened again. I shouldn't be surprised from all the bite and purple marks all over my skin but I think my father overdo it this time. I can't even move a muscle. Well at least I'm not tide up and dying from cold. Maybe that emotional scare last night was a delight for him.

Nana said that it's not normal. Fathers shouldn't do this to their children, locking me up in the first place is illegal. What exactly did she called this? Rape? Harassment? I don't know. When I first asked about it, Father said he just loves me very much that he can't live without me, but Nana said it was absurd, she said it was clearly obsession and aggressive possiveness that's so sickening for a normal person. She said I'm being abuse and it's not right, well at first I thought it was normal but then all the guards looked so constipated every time I asked them if what my fathers doing to me is normal. They looked sick every time I walk out to them covered in bruises and bite marks. Well some of them enjoyed seeing it but then again, those who looked at me like that? I didn't see them again the next day.

"Young Master, your bath is ready."

I looked up at the tall lean guy looking so professional as ever. His blue eyes remained unwavering even across my brushes and frail nude body. Maybe his used to it as father never replaced him all through out the past years. William is what they called my personal butler, well kind of, as he answers to my fathers command even if he serves me.

"William." I looked up at him as he started to carry me towards the bathroom. He's always attending to my aftercare after  a night with my father. I don't even know what he thinks of it but I often heard him arguing with my Nana every time I asked something regarding outside or even personal matter. He wouldn't speak to me too unless necessary.

"It happened again." I said softly while he washes my hair. "I'm sorry that you have to do this again."

I smiled even though I know he won't see it. William might be distant and uncaring but he keeps on looking after me every time. I'm just thankful that he's putting up with me.

After eating and cleaning myself out I once again had nothing to do. Well I could read but reading at this time is useless with everything going 360 degrees inside my head. I had the chance to see what's outside yesterday but my cowardly self chooses to isolate the idea instead. I stupidly chose to run away. Even with the desire to know, I'm still scared of seeing what's waiting for me. If ever I step outside, what will happened? It's not the consequences that scares me the most. It was knowing that if I look down and saw nothing... The world that I'm hoping of seeing will just disappear right before my eyes. If there's really nothing outside... Then what will I do then? I don't even want to think about it. Losing the hope that everything Nana said are true and my father lying to me is uncalled for makes me dizzy. I'd rather not know anything than knowing that the life I have right now is all there is to it. I might end up worse than my current state now or I might end my own life instead. I'm satisfied of just knowing and believing Nana.

"William." William who's standing beside my bed looked at me as I called. Knowing what I'll ask him he hurriedly shakes his head.

"So I'll never see her again, huh?" I scoffed feeling stupid once more for asking him the same question everyday.

I look up and saw the box Nana gave me on that fateful day. Should I open it? Having nothing to do I slowly walk towards the box contemplating if I'll open it or not. I'm curious on what's inside so maybe I'll open it. It's not against the rules or anything and it's just plain and old looking box. Even William didn't stop me this time. I look at him from behind and he just looked back at me without moving or any emotion written on his face.

I once again face the box and slightly picked the lid opening it as gently as possible. What I saw inside was a small red box with books beneath it. I opened the smaller box and saw a pendant with a ring on it. On closer observation a continuous string of letters is embedded within it. Azure Mikhail? Is that me? Was Mikhail my fathers last name or another name? I look at William whose standing where I left him.

"What's my fathers last name, William?"

He looks at me questioningly as if asking me why the hell didn't I  know that.

"I believe it's Laviste, Young Master."

So Mikhail is my other name? Or was it someone else's?

I set aside the smaller box and started to open the books. It wasn't a book, it was an album. My album specifically. My baby pictures! I smiled as I never get to see myself. Well it was all baby pictures and so far from what I'm supposed to look now. I spend almost four hours looking through it but I feel disappointed that I didn't get to know my eye color. I was mostly asleep all the time. How am I supposed to tell that it's me? Well with the name Azure in the cover maybe it is really me. But who's this lady?

"Is she my mom?"

She looks so frail and thin that I'm scared she'll fall any minute while holding the baby me in the picture. It was the only picture with that lady in it and it's not even part of the album. The picture was tack in the very back. Who's she? I kind of feel sad seeing her smiling face looking at the camera.

I think I stared at that picture the whole time until Clarissa my fathers secretary came. I quickly hid that lady's picture at the bottom of the books and arrange it neatly inside the box.

"Young Master, your father is expecting you within half an hour in the hall for a quick dinner." Clarissa gracefully bowed and look at William meaningfully before she turns around to leave.

I look at William asking what's that about but he just dismissed me with a look. He prepared me for the dinner allthrough out the remaining minutes. Well Clarissa is a decent woman. I never see her misbehaving, she's just as stoic and proper as William. She never said anything too whenever she looks at me, well nothing out of the ordinary.

"Azure, my child, come here."

I saw my father smiling as soon as I stepped on the veranda of the dining hall. He looked as if he just got out of work but quite unruly too. First off, I don't know what works my father have as he wouldn't tell me anything regarding outside my door. Second, it's in the rules to never asked and lastly, well I'm just too afraid to even know. So whenever he visits all our talks is what I did that day or what I want to do. We never really talk about anything. And it's been a schedule for me whenever we had dinner... I'll have my medicines after.

"William, please let him in."

After the dinner as expected, William let Dr. Simon in. I never really liked taking shots, I always losses my consciousness to the point where I can't even speak. I always feel so numb and I cannot move after. I became bedridden for the following days. My father said it was for my illness but I still hate it. Father hug and showered me with kisses while I sit in his lap as I take the shot. It's earlier than the scheduled time but I know it's because of what happened yesterday. It's all my fault that I'm a mess right now.

"William, ready the bedroom." My father instructed as he carried me towards my room. My head feels so heavy and I can't feel anything, my limbs are becoming numb one by one. The medicine is starting to affect my thoughts. I felt the soft mattress beneath me as I sluggishly hum in distress.

"That's all for tonight, William."

I heard the door closed and I gave in to the hopelessness once again as I started to feel the heat all through out my body. I heard the chains as I felt the cold of it in my wrists and ankles. His hand are now all over my body giving me a chilling shudder as I cried for him to stop. It's happening again. Once again I'm being raped by my own father.

"Who thought you to say such gibberish words?" He asked as he palms me.

"You want me to stop?" I felt his heavy hand chocking me as he asked with a ragged breathing. "Why am I turned on with that Lil stunt? Did you purposely did that? Huh Baby boy?"

He laughed menacingly that makes me want to scream at him to stop. Who wanted this anyway? Who wanted to be violated like this? I felt a pang of pain as he started to make his way through my body. He started to touch parts of my body while kissing me senseless. I couldn't help but curse whoever put me into this. I feel so hot all over that I think I'm having a fever. He started to move and I couldn't help but cry out. His thrust are fast and rough making no room to breath. He thrust and thrust again and again mercilessly as I scream and cried for him to stop. It's more bearable if he do this things to me while I'm unconscious but I can't bare it like this. I can't control myself and the heat is not helping at all. I wanted to just end it, I wanted him to just end it. I can't take it anymore. I wanted to curse Dr Simon for the medicine as I can't even move to stop my father. I wanted to curse William for leaving me with him and not even thinking twice of what'll happened to me. I wanted to curse Nana for leaving me and not taking me with her. I wanted to curse my father for doing this again and again but most of all I wanted to curse myself more that I can't do anything. I hated this. I hated myself.

It was almost morning when father stopped. I looked up at him emotionlessly. I don't feel anything. I can't even feel anything anymore. His movements are slow as he lit up a cigarette and puff a few before looking back at me.

"You did well all night, Baby." He smirked as he caress my checks gently, he started to put his clothes back and called William on the phone. He walks towards me and gave me a kiss, invading my mouth with his tongue he smiled and kiss me once more.

"I'll be back again tonight."

As the door closed I silently cried, rich tears streaming down my face. It was so exhausting to move and I felt so disgusted about myself. I can't even move as he didn't even undo the chains. In a few minutes William will once again see me like this. I'll once again inconvenience him. I can't do anything and I'm even becoming a bother for him. I'm such a mess. If Nana see me like this she'll probably throw a fit. If only I can see myself, I'll probably throw up. It's quite comforting knowing that William didn't care. But then again maybe his tired of looking out for me, cleaning my disgusting body, hearing my awful voice that he got no choice but to not care at all. I felt so ashamed.

"I-I ... I..." I started to pull my hands away tugging the chains crying as if I'll help me wash my memory of last night. "I- I w-want to... to..."

I tug and tug until I drew out blood in my wrists. It makes me feel more disgusted about myself. Who the hell wanted to clean that up? Who the hell will? But I didn't stop. Maybe I'll end once I cut myself more? What if I run out of blood? Maybe then I'll be free? I cried to the point of a panic attack but I didn't stop. I wanted to forget.

"Young Master!!" I felt William restraining me from moving. He hugged me as he effortlessly unlocked the chains in my wrists. I cried in his shoulders for a while after that. I'm surprised he allowed me to. But then again I felt ashamed that I ruined his perfectly ironed tux. I felt so hopeless afterwards, I can't move and I can't speak due to the medicine. I'm kind of surprised that I can trashed out or even cry before, I can't feel anything.

"Let me wash you up." After William felt the strength leaving my body, he started to clean me up. I can't even look up to see his face but knowing him, maybe he didn't care about all the bruises. Why am I so embarrassed? His used to it anyway.

He carried my ailing body after he dress me up. I thought he'll leave afterwards but he walks towards the box. My heart race as I thought of the picture in it. What if he gave it to my father? What if I got cought again? He then takes out the picture together with the pendant. I anticipated what he'll do or say regarding what he's carrying but he then put it in my hands as he looks at me. For the first time I saw him smiling genuinely at me.

"I'll help you run, Azure."