What I Miss and Missed

30

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"Yes, I like Vaughn. In fact, I like him a lot."

My heart wont stop aching. It was painful and loud. My ears are ringing that I can't seem to concentrate enough.

What did he say? What am I hearing?

"I like him since I first saw him and... and I can't stop liking him."

The time seemed to stop. I look at Ezekiel after a while and what I saw broke my heart more. He was smiling sadly, as if he knew what he feel is not right but he can't do anything about it... as if he's telling me he can't help it.

"Ezekiel..."

"I know. I know about your relationship. I'm not dumb nor am I clueless... it was so... so obvious." His voice cracked as I saw his eyes start to water.

"I just... I can't help it, Sky. I like him. I just like him so much..." I don't know what to say... I'm hurting. Hurting for him and hurting for us, what? What is this?

"I'm sorry."

Is what Ezekiel said after he walk towards the door. I reach out a hand wanting to stop him but... but I don't know what to say, or do to make him feel better.

"It's okay. I'll go talk to him." Tungsten said as he followed Ezekiel afterwards.

The whole afternoon the two of them didn't come back. I was waiting and want to ask Tungsten what happened after but I forgot to ask for their contact information. What now? What should I do? Are they mad at me? I can't seem to put my head at the thought of not talking to them again. What should I do really...

"Sky~"

I felt a hand wrapping in my waist after a while. I look at my side and found Enzo smiling at me.

"I was calling you since earlier. You can't seem to hear me." Enzo kissed me in the lips after his short whining.

I looked around us and the room was now empty. The sky is turning a beautiful golden hue. I realised  it was already time to leave. It's been a while since Ezekiel and Tungsten left.

They didn't come back that day and I didn't even know how I got home. The happiness I felt as I got to know them seems so distant after they walk away. The others asked me questions as I got home, even Mom tried to comfort me. I just hugged her like my life depends on it. I cant seem to open up nor talk about what happened to them, especially with Vaughn.

Everytime I see Vaughn, Ezekiel's sad eyes was what I remembered. I know its not his fault nor was it Ezekiel's fault.  My guilt was just eating me up. My head can't seem to function normally. All I know is that I hurt Ezekiel. I'm starting to regret  even asking him about his feelings while the throbs in my heart didn't stop... It just multiply.

"Sky we'll meet you after your class this afternoon, okay?" Enzo was worried.  He insisted on being with me for the past few days but I refused.

It's been days now. Ezekiel won't look or talk to me about what happened on my first day. He would either come late to class or would sit as far as he could from me. I tried to talk to him but all my efforts to get close was in vain. Enzo and Canary's violent tendency didn't help too. They were all asking Ezekiel or Tungsten what happened as I refuse to say what's wrong, but neither me or them say anything about the matter. It was so hard... for the past few days my heavy feeling can't seem to lighten.

"Don't worry about him. It's not like he won't get over it, anyway. It's just... it's taking a lot of time, you'll also get used to it."

Tungsten smirked at me ruffling my hair. As Ezekiel distanced himself from us, Tungsten stayed by my side, saying it was to keep unnecessary drama out of our lives, grumbling that Ezekiel was enough for his plate.

"You're his friend too, right?" Tungsten smiled cheekily.

I smiled. Some of my worries seemed lifted with that simple confirmation. They... considered me as friend as well. Even after all that happened, at least Tungsten thought so. However at the same time, the thought of hurting someone who considered you his friend is much more weighting in me than before.

"I just wished he'll talk about it with me too."

"Pfft- like hell he would."

Tungsten laughed, as if what I said is funny enough to do so. I grimaced after he didn't stop after a while. What was so funny?

"Why not?" I glare at him to let him know that I don't appreciate his twisted humour.

"Well dear kitten. Eventhough you're his friend, you might as well be his rival. Hahaha he won't talk about his troubles with you especially if its about your boyfriend." He laugh again.

"He might as well just talk to Enzo or Canary about it. Not that he would, that guy is as close as he is open." He mumbled afterwards.

"That's unfair. If he's okay with both Enzo and Canary, he should be fine with me too. What's the difference?"

I know I'm dumb about a lot of things but I know how unfair that is. I just... I just want to help. Even just a little bit.

"Sky, you're Vaughn's only beloved girlfriend. Unlike those two. I bet they'll just laugh about it."

"What?"

What was that..  supposed to mean?

Before I was permitted to attend school. Mom and the rest already explained to me that what we have, our relationship or even the people we choose to love can be questioned and is still not widely accepted, that we'll be judge and discriminated against if people knew about it. So they told me that it's better to keep it, at least for now, a secret.

I don't mind really... since my concept of right and wrong is still blurred by the rules my father had set. I can't really argued with that since I didn't know any better.

At first I thought that outside world would be completely free, not bound by anything and will by all means guaranteed happiness but I guess it's sad to know that now we are chained by something else. Something we can't even see.

"How was school today, Pumpkin?" Jackson took my hands as he guide me out of the car. The look they are giving me speaks about how they wanted to know what was wrong but I just can't talk about it. It was just so hard to talk about.

All day my head was filled with nothing but worry and confusion. I was confused about what Tungsten might mean about what he said. Although at first I thought it was just because they can't trust me compared to Enzo and Canary but then I realized it doesn't really make sense.

Was it just because they didn't know the relationship between Vaughn and the rest of us? That's the most likely reason behind it. It's not known that Vaughn likes men despite all the rumours I'm hearing  and It also doesn't make sense to exclude me about it since... we're friends and all. So the only factor that differentiate me to them is that I'm believed to be a girl. So I thought that maybe because I was the girlfriend that they knew.

Maybe it was that... right?

"Yeah, good." I simply nodded as we head back to the 13th floor of the building complex where the main house was located.

"Vaughn, Can you please help me?"

The moment we entered the house, Ashnier asked for Vaughn's assistance to help with dinner. I look at Vaughn as he pass through me without as much as looking at my direction. It was to be expected I guess... he must have felt my awkwardness as I most probably made it so obvious that I was purposely ignoring him. My heart tightened at the thought that he might be mad although I know he was just giving me the time and space that I much needed right now.

No, that time and space I asked for was wasted. I never really solved anything. Was it really to much for me?

What should I do really? The guilt is suffocating me.

"Sky? Dinner is ready."

I heard Qen's voice as he knocked on my door and he slowly opened it. I look at him with my bloodshot eyes and a very troubled mind. I wanted to run for some reason.

Why is he here of all people?

"Sky... no, Azure. Was it hard?" He asked crouching beside the bed, sitting in front of me.

"Was it too much?"

His gentle voice so unlike the playful and dangerous tone he once used was echoing in my silent room. I never knew he had such a sweet relaxing way in him. But neither the voice nor his questions are helping me right now, nonetheless, the comfort it was giving me made tears flod my eyes. As if the break was forcefully removed, tears that I've been holding on to flow like river.

"Qen... What should I do? What should I do, really?" I sobbed as he gently embraced me, caging me in his comforting arms. Something I didn't expect I needed the most.

"I... I tried. I really tried hard to understand him. To make it work. To make it better again. I did! But... but it was useless. It didn't... didn't fix anything." I complained, finding it hard to breath from all the pent up emotions inside me that I didn't even realized I had.

"And-...and although it's my fault, it's... it still hurt."

It was a very unpleasant feeling I always felt before. When I imagined Ashnier, kissing somebody else, or the thought of Enzo knowing someone cool from school. Comparable to my insecurities from being viewed like a child and my disgusting thoughts knowing that Canary had kissed someone else I didn't know. It was just like that, exactly like that feeling. The way Ezekiel look at Vaughn, smiling to all his silly remarks and blushing from the smallest contact. It was a feeling that makes my stomach crunch, like someone is squeezing my heart and throwing it around.

"I don't like the thought of him being with Vaughn. It hurts me for no reason. He hurt me so... so I ended up hurting him back. He was mine, Qen... He's mine, right?" I asked, as if his confirmation will salvage me from this... as if it'll be okay, as if it'll be better.

I'm the worst. Saying it out loud made it all the more disgusting as it already is, really. I don't know this feeling nor I want it, but at that time, I let it control me leading to me hurting such a precious person... the first friend I made. I'm such a terrible person that I'm really hating myself more and more as the days passed.

"Sky, are you- perhaps, are you jealous?"

I stilled. I was... what?

"Jealous?... why, what? Hahaha no... Ezekiel is... is a friend."

I stuttered. I understand what jealousy is but I also know it was not right to feel that way. It was an ugly emotion that I shouldn't possess. I'm not... I'm not jealous at all...

I saw Qen smiled, the mischievous glint in his eyes that I didn't know I was missing gives shiver down my spine. He slowly wipe my tears as he kissed my eyes,my nose, my cheeks and finally my lips. His kisses was deep but gentle. It was hard to follow but still guides you to good directions. It was both reassuring and possessive. I was drowning in it and I didn't mind.

I felt him smirked in between the kisses as he draw a moan of pleasure from me... Qen... Qen is such a good kisser. Is what I realized from our first kiss. Holy...

"Well... I too am jealous that you're not paying attention to me." His boyish smile once again graced his dangerously beautiful face as he looked down on my dazed face.

"Although I was the first one who saw that beautiful red eyes, captivating me and all..." He once again placed his lips in my eyes "Now it didn't as much as look in my direction without you averting it in less than a second."

He kissed me once again, now playful like he was happy to know my deep ugly feelings.

"I was so jealous, Azure." He grinned, as if proud.

He was acting like it was no big deal. Although I can hear a hint of sadness, his cheeky grin washed it all away. I look at his bright smile and I can't help but smile as well... I laugh. What was that? That was so nonsensical. I was so serious, though. What is he doing, really?

"You finally smiled. I was waiting for that for like a week or something."

Enrique... I never knew we could converse this easily again. Without awkwardness or any hidden behaviour. Without any of us looking away or putting up an unreadable facade... the way he's looking at me was like how he did back then. The unconditional kindness and irreplaceable pure smiles he first offer to my trembling heart. I really... really really really miss it so much.

"I miss you so much, Qen." I said as I touch his gorgeous face. His blue eyes that look down on me was hypnotising enough to make me kiss him again.

"Well, I was missing you all this time."

It was a sensual kiss. Unhurried but deep enough to call it possessive. Our tongue intertwining as our hands feel each other. It was for a good minute that I really thought I'll end up to more if it wasn't for my grumbling stomach.

"Haha well, shall we go now? Mom will scold you if you don't come down for dinner." He smiled again as he lead me out the room.

"Yes." I nodded. "But why am I the only one getting scolded?"

"For the fact that I'm already an adult while our Azure is just barely... there."

I slapped his arm after that small remark. Well it's not funny... Mom said I'm an adult too.

"That's not funny, kind Sir."

He just laugh as I did too. Well, would you look at that. We're really back at it now.

"Anyways, you should probably talk it out to the others too, specially Vaughn. We've been worried you know." Qen's hands tightened holding mine in his as he kissed it.

"Nothing would be solved with you just brooding it all by yourself with that little head of yours." He ruffled my head and took a strand of my black hair in his hand, he slowly lean to kiss it.

"Learn to trust your lovers a little more, Azure."

🙃