: Chapter 16

I don’t see her again until late the next day. The hearing is going well thus far, and I have the feeling Callaghan’s lawyers will be pushing him toward a settlement. They know there’s blood in the water and that I’ve caught its scent. The rest is only a matter of time and money.

I’m pleased with the day’s work, but I’m also aware that it easily could have gone the other way. Yes, Amelia’s organizational skills and the extra pair of eyes helped me find a crucial piece of evidence. But Amelia’s very existence meant I didn’t get a wink of sleep all night, which caused me to start my day in the courtroom tired and distracted. Not her fault, but still not acceptable.

Part of me, the cowardly part, hoped that she wouldn’t be here when I got back to the office. I wouldn’t mind some time to decompress, maybe chat with Nathan and drink some decent Scotch. But no such luck. As I walk down the corridor toward my office, she jumps to her feet to greet me.

She doesn’t have the wrap dress on today or that top with the big bow that drives me just as wild, but I realize that it doesn’t matter. Even in the perfectly ordinary pantsuit she’s wearing, I still want to unwrap her. The issue lies with the woman underneath the clothing, not with what she’s wearing. She has her hair in a ponytail today, and as she trots toward me, her heels clacking across the marble floor, it swishes from side to side like a glossy horse’s mane. I immediately imagine tugging on it, dragging her head back, and running my lips across her throat. I shift my briefcase in front of me. We’re about to have a difficult conversation, and I don’t want to have it while she’s looking at my erection.

“How did it go?” she says, a bubbly smile on her face. “No, you don’t need to tell me—it went great, didn’t it? Callaghan’s team has already been on the phone wanting to set up a meeting with you. I scheduled it for eight tomorrow morning. I hope that’s okay. I mean, I don’t want to presume, but if they’re looking to cut a deal, it’d be good to get something on the table before court starts at ni …”

She trails off and looks crestfallen as she takes in my grim expression. “Oh. Was I wrong? Didn’t it go well? Or is it the meeting—have I done that wrong?”

I hate that I’m responsible for putting that look on her face. That I’m responsible for stealing her zest and banishing that gorgeous smile. But if I don’t do this, I’ll be responsible for a whole lot more—like wrecking her career and potentially breaking her heart. Never mind my own. Assuming I have one.

“It did go well, and an eight a.m. meeting is perfect, Miss Ryder. Could I see you in my office in a few minutes? Just give me time to make some calls.”

She nods hesitantly. “Of course, Mr. James. Do you want anything to eat? There’s fresh sushi in the executive break room.”

I decline and go into my office, dismissing her. I haven’t eaten all day, and by rights, I should be starving. Too bad all I can think about is Amelia and her goddamn exploding donut balls.

As soon as I close my office door behind me, I look for something to break. There’s nothing in here I don’t need, though, which is a situation that needs addressing. All offices should come equipped with something to break. I glance at the coffee cups and wonder if I actually need all of them.

Standing at the window, I stare out at the harsh lines and beautiful curves of the Manhattan skyline. Chicago was amazing, but damn, I love this city. I want to stay here. I want to see Luke grow up and be there for my dad as he gets older. I want to play a part in all my brothers’ lives. I want to exorcise the ghosts of my pasts and help Nathan build his legacy. I want all of it so goddamn much.

But I also want to run. That small part of me that feels inadequate is perched on my shoulder like a devil, telling me I can’t deal with everything that comes with me staying here: commitment, pain, obstacles to overcome. Fuck, I can’t even deal with a sexy secretary.

I told her I had calls to make, but that was a bare-faced lie. I just needed a few moments to gather myself and to think. Not to mention let my cock recover its composure. As a man who prides myself on hiding my true feelings, I fucking hate that one part of my body insists on giving me away to her.

Except as I’m concentrating on taking deep breaths, I’m forced to admit that my feelings for Amelia go beyond a stiff dick and dirty thoughts. Otherwise, I’d just take both of those things and let them out to play somewhere else. The reason I’m struggling with all this, the reason I’m so disturbed by what I feel for her, is that she’s different.

Unable to contain my churning emotions, I grab one of the colorful little espresso cups and hurl it at the metal filing cabinet, where it makes a satisfying cracking sound as it shatters. Much better. I straighten my tie, go back to my desk, and pick up the phone. “Miss Ryder, I’m ready for you.”

She walks into the room a few moments later and cautiously looks around. At the sight of the broken coffee cup, she raises an eyebrow.

“It slipped out of my hand,” I say. “Please, take a seat.”

Her mouth opens and closes a few times, and it’s clear she doesn’t believe me about the cup. Tough shit, that’s all she’s getting. Her fingers tremble slightly on her lap, and I curse myself for noticing and being bothered by it. I don’t know why she’s trembling—it could be because of this thing between us, or it could be because I started acting like a coldhearted asshole toward her as soon as things started to settle between us. It could even be, I realize, that she is once again sitting there with the thought that I’m going to fire her. I need to nip that one in the bud right away. She’s a human being, and I have no right to mess with her head like this.

“First of all, Miss Ryder, I want to say that I am totally satisfied with your work. You are completely competent in every way.”

“Uh … okay. Thank you?”

“That said, I think we need to address a few issues. We’ve both tried extremely hard to navigate the situation we found ourselves in through no fault of our own. There is no blame on either side, but I think it’s clear that it’s becoming increasingly difficult to tolerate.”

“Is it?” she says quietly, a shimmer of tears in her eyes. Fuck. Don’t look at her, Drake. Don’t see her cry. “It’s not that clear to me. I thought … well, I don’t suppose it matters what I thought, does it? You’re the boss, after all. Do you want me to leave today, or do I need to work a notice period?”

I glance away, giving her the time she needs to compose herself. When I look back, she’s clearly swiped at her eyes, leaving adorable little smudges of mascara beneath them.

“You won’t be leaving, Miss Ryder. I have no intention of terminating your employment, please don’t misinterpret me. You’re good at your job, and nothing else that’s happened should overshadow that. Your position at James and James is safe.”

She tries to hide it, but I see her body sag slightly with relief and feel like a bastard for not getting there sooner. I knew she’d be worried, and “your job is safe” should have been the first words out of my mouth. Instead, I had to be all lawyerly and shit and build my way up to it. Fuck’s sake, this is hard. Frankly, I’m not used to having to worry about anybody else’s feelings, and that’s always been exactly how I liked it. Which is good, because it turns out I’m pretty crap at it anyway.

“Oh. I see. So … What exactly are you saying, Mr. James?”

I run my hands through my hair, over my face, and down my beard. The full no-water wash for stressed-out dudes.

“Look, Amelia. Can I be honest with you?”

“I don’t know,” she replies, her lower lip trembling even as she tries to be stoic. “Can you?”

I blow out a breath and decide to plunge right in. “Neither of us asked for this, did we? We didn’t expect to ever see each other again, never mind end up working together. It’s … it’s complicated. In all kinds of ways. When I first found out, I spoke to Nathan about it, and we discussed how best to proceed. I won’t lie—letting you go was an option. But neither of us felt that was fair. I promised him that we could work it out and get through this without it blowing up in our faces. He was worried, obviously, about the HR implications … not to mention the public image disaster it could potentially be.”

Her eyes flash at me, and her hands ball up into fists. “And yeah, Amelia, before you go ballistic, I know. You’re a human being, not a walking complication. I know you never had any intention of going public or making an official complaint or making life difficult for anyone. I know that, okay?”

“Good.” She nods, her spine ramrod straight. “You saved me a speech.”

I have to smile at her attitude, the way she’s fighting so hard to keep herself together. I admire her as well as respect her, which only goes to show that I’m doing the right thing here. “This isn’t on you, Amelia, but I’m struggling with the whole situation. I find you … distracting.”

“Distracting?” she echoes, her head tilted to one side and her shiny ponytail draped on her shoulder.

“Yes, I tend to get distracted by women I find attractive.”

The blush that creeps over her cheekbones is so fucking cute. “You find me attractive?”

“Oh, come on. Of course I do. You already know that, surely?” Maybe she doesn’t. She genuinely doesn’t see herself as the knockout she is, which makes her even more adorable.

“Um, I suppose. But you have to understand … that night at the wedding? That was … well, that was the first time I ever had a one-night stand.”

“I know. I was surprised, but you did mention it.”

“Well, maybe what I didn’t mention is that it was the first time I slept with anybody other than my husband.”

I stare at her, taken aback at the fact that I’m only the second man she’s ever had sex with.

A rogue voice pipes up in my mind. I wish I was the first. And I damn well wish I could be the last.

Fuck! What the hell is wrong with me?

“So, anyway, I only told you that so you’d know how inexperienced I am, Dra—um, sorry, Mr. James. I don’t really have much to judge things by or compare them to, and I don’t expect men to find me attractive. Especially not men like you.”

Men like me? I let that one go. “But that night, you had to have noticed that I wanted you. I don’t make a habit of fucking women who repulse me, Miss Ryder.”

“No, I’m sure you don’t, but … Oh gosh, I don’t know what I mean. I’m trying to tell you that I was different that night. I was Scarlet. And sometimes, I’m Scarlet around you even now. I behave in ways I wouldn’t normally behave. I guess I’m trying to say that I get it. If we’re both being honest, then I get it. I find it hard to be around you and not think about the things we did together. I find it hard not to … imagine them happening again.” She’s staring at her hands, her cheeks blazing, and my dick is now so hard it’s like having a metal bar between my legs. Jeez. This is exactly the problem.

“That’s the issue right there, Miss Ryder. Those things can never happen again. Not only because of the company’s image or the legal ramifications, but because I’m not a good man.”

Her attention snaps back to my face. “Yes you are! You might not be a saint. You work too hard, and you talk like you’ve got a stick up your ass sometimes. And you definitely smashed that coffee cup and lied about it, but you are a good man. You care about your job and your clients, you love the shit out of your family, and you’re … well, you’re a good listener. I get that you need to end this, whatever it is, but please don’t do it that way. You are a good man.”

I have no fucking clue how to respond to that. I’m doing what, dumping her? I’m not totally sure, but I’m not doing anything great to her. Yet she’s still defending me. She has no fucking clue who I really am. “We’ll have to agree to disagree on that, Miss Ryder,” I say, keeping my voice calm and locking my emotions away. “And what kind of man I am is irrelevant. For the time being, you will continue to be my secretary, but as soon as a suitable alternative position opens up, you’ll take it. I guarantee your salary and benefits will remain the same, and it will have no impact at all on your career prospects or your future with James and James. But you will be moving. Have I made myself clear?”

“Crystal clear, Mr. James,” she says, her voice matching my ice but her eyes flashing with fire. “Do you have any idea of a timeline on that?”

“Not as yet, but I believe Mr. Darwin’s assistant is due to go on maternity leave at some point in the next month or so.”

Fred Darwin is in his sixties and married to a man named Pierre, so I feel reasonably confident that she’ll be safe with him. I haven’t even discussed this with Nathan, never mind Linda, but I can make it happen. Technically, it might not be the same salary band, but I’ll damn well change the rules if I need to.

“Good,” she says, standing up and smoothing down her jacket. “Well, let’s hope for both our sakes that she doesn’t go over her due date, shall we, Mr. James? Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“No, that will be all, Miss Ryder.”

She nods and strides out of the room. Her ass looks phenomenal in those pants, and I bang my forehead on my desk as I feel my cock go hard yet again.

I hate that I’ve hurt her and that I have to freeze her out. But I have no other choice. It’s the only way I’ll be able to get her out of my head.