: Chapter 39

I’m at James and James when the call arrives. In fact, I’m with Drake in his office, and we’re going through some paperwork for a complicated set of contract negotiations. We’re both in full-on work mode, and apart from some deeply flirtatious banter, we’ve both managed to keep our pants on for once.

I glance at the screen, checking who it is, and drop the stack of papers I’m holding. They scatter over the floor, and Drake looks up at me in surprise.

“This is the hospital’s number,” I say, my hands shaking.

“Okay. Well, it’s not necessarily anything to worry about. They might just be calling about insurance or an appointment.”

I nod, telling myself he’s right. I spoke to Mom last night, and she sounded okay. She was tired after taking her daily walk around the block, but she was holding her own. She’s been monitoring her oxygen levels and taking her meds, and everything seemed good.

“Answer it,” he says, laying his own work down on the desk. “Or would you like me to deal with it?”

I flash him a small smile. “No, it’s okay—I’m your secretary, not the other way around.” I accept the call.

“Miss Ryder?” a familiar voice says. “This is Jenny Griffin, from Brooklyn Emergency?” I immediately remember the kind nurse with the strong Southern accent who looked after both of us so well.

“Hi, Jenny. Is, uh, is everything okay?” My voice cracks, dread curling in my stomach as I anticipate the bad news I can hear in her tone.

“I’m sorry, honey, but no. She was brought in by the paramedics an hour ago. She collapsed on her way to somewhere called Wanda’s? She didn’t have any ID with her, so she was brought in as a Jane Doe, but as soon as I saw her, I knew who she was. She’s not doing great, Miss Ryder. I think you’d better head on over here as soon as you can.”

I hang up, tears streaming down my cheeks, my heart sinking to my ankles. I can’t breathe. My mom … She’s … I gasp for air, but there’s none in the room.

Drake swoops across the room and gathers me into his arms. “It’s okay, baby, I’ve got you. Whatever it is, we’ll handle it together.”

When we’re dropped off at the hospital by a concerned Constantine, Mom is already in full respiratory failure. She’s wearing the horribly familiar oxygen mask, and her arms are punctured and bruised with needle marks from blood tests. A saline drip is hanging from a stand at her side, and her face is battered and scraped from where she fell onto the sidewalk.

I fly to her side and see that her lips are blue, her eyelids closed. Her hand feels tiny in mine and completely unresponsive. “Mom,” I say, squeezing her fingers. “I’m here, Mom, it’s all going to be okay.”

I glance at the heart monitor, seeing it as proof of life. While her heart is still beating, there’s still hope. Drake is standing at my side, his face set in grim lines when Nurse Jenny walks into the room.

“Isn’t there anything more you can do?” he asks, his tone demanding, his body language screaming power. He’s the kind of man who’s used to being able to fix things, and right now, he’s coming off as intimidating. None of that bothers Jenny, of course. She’s undoubtedly dealt with far worse.

She smiles sadly at him and shakes her head. “She has a DNR in place, so we can’t perform invasive treatments.”

“A DNR?” he echoes.

“A do-not-resuscitate order,” she explains.

“I know what it is,” he replies, gazing down at me. “I just … why?”

“It was what she wanted,” I answer, blinking away tears as I speak. “We discussed it many times, and she was always adamant. She knew she was never going to get better from this, and she didn’t want it dragged out. One of her worst nightmares was being kept alive on a ventilator.”

“But she’s so damn young,” he explodes, looking like he’s going to punch a wall. I know that some of this anger is on my behalf, but I also know that some of it is related to the grief he still feels about his own mom.

Jenny looks at him sternly. “Sir, keep your voice down. You’re not helping anybody behaving like this. We all want what’s best for Edith, and I’m sure you do too.”

He runs his hands through his hair and nods. “I’m sorry. Of course. Amelia, what can I do?”

“Just be with me, Drake. Just be with us.”

“I can do that, mi rosa,” he says, pulling a chair over to sit next to me. He puts his arm around my shoulder and holds me close. I take comfort and strength from him and wish I could send both to my mom.

“Can she hear me?” I ask Jenny.

“We don’t know,” she replies, shaking her head. “It’s one of the big mysteries of the end of life. But I always tell loved ones to assume that they can. To say whatever you need to say. In your mom’s case, given her oxygen levels, I don’t think you have an awful lot of time left together, so make the most of it, honey. I’ll be just outside if you need me.”

“Talk to her, baby,” Drake says, wiping away my tears with gentle fingers. “Don’t leave this room with anything left unsaid, or believe me, you’ll regret it.”

“I know, but I … I don’t know what to say. Isn’t that so stupid?”

He strokes my hair back from my face and kisses me lightly, his eyes intense on mine. “No, Amelia, it’s not stupid at all. She’s your mom. She’s the person who has loved you the most for the entirety of your life, and you’re about to lose her. There are no rule books for this kind of situation. If she were awake right now, what would you say to her?”

“I’d ask her why the hell she was going all the way to Wanda’s on her own, for a start! But … But I’d also tell her how much I love her. How much she means to me.”

He nods and gestures at my mom with his head. “Then tell her. I truly believe she can hear you.”

I bite my lip so hard I taste blood and nod, then turn to my mom, this wonderful woman. This glorious creature who has raised me, cherished me, made me who I am today.

With Drake at my side, I talk. I tell her how much love I have in my heart for her. I thank her for everything she gave to me, everything she gave up for me. I promise her that I will be strong—that even though I will miss her, I will go on living, just as she would want me to. I tell her I will never forget her.

I tell her goodbye.