thirty-one

EMMA

Beau was silent the entire walk back to our hotel, not even cracking a smile when Zeus tried to plow down an expensively dressed woman carrying a toy poodle in her purse. The disdain on her face was clear, not just for the dog but for the dark haired, sad eyed man whom he belonged to. Normally, Beau would've rolled his eyes at her dramatics, or at the very least snickered as we left, but he only tugged a bit at Zeus's leash and kept walking with his head down.

I peek a glance at him in the elevator now, nose scrunched up in disgust as a man wearing foul cologne enters with us. The atmosphere is tense as Beau watches the little red light marking each floor we pass. His eyes, my favorite shade of green, seem dark and heavy, his brows furrowed above them, deeply creasing his forehead. The little muscle in his jaw has been flexed since the cemetery.

My own head is spinning as I stare at the toes of my converse sneakers, wishing there were words I could say that would make him feel better. But I know firsthand that there aren't any. It's discomforting - knowing that someone you love is hurting, but having no way to fix it.

The name Claire Lewis is like a neon sign in my mind and I can't help but think about her. About the woman who mothered this man I love. The protective part of me is angry, reminding me that she's also the one who let him down.

I sneak another peek in Beau's direction. Zeus's impatient panting is the only sound until the elevator pings for the man's stop. Beau relaxes slightly when he's off, letting out the breath he'd been holding to keep the stench away, but doesn't inch his stare from straight ahead of him.

"Beau," I whisper, tugging his hand gently.

His gaze flickers to me and then back up again, hands fiddling with the studs on Zeus's leather leash. The air gets thicker, like there's an actual wall slowly rising between us and my heart clenches tightly in my chest.

I try again, voice a little stronger this time despite the fact that I'm all but begging him to acknowledge me. "You can talk to me,"

A loud chime and a sudden jolt bring us to our floor. Just this morning, Beau called reception to have someone bring my bags to his suite and now I'm not so sure if he'll still like the idea. As soon as the doors glide open, Beau is swiftly through them and trudging down the hall to our suite, Zeus dutifully trotting by his side.

I follow a few steps behind wordlessly, feeling the warmth that's accompanied my time with Beau lately dissipating. Tears well in my eyes before I step into our room. I've braved a Beau cold-front before, but it never fails to hit me right in the gut. It's worse knowing that this time, the emotional toll might be too much on him - just enough to send him over the edge and take him away from me, especially if he closes in on himself.

That can't happen.

He moves about the room slowly, mechanically, putting Zeus's leash away, sitting on the bed, removing his boots. But he never meets my eyes, although I'm sure he must feel me staring.

"Please don't do this," I hate that it comes out a whimper but the weight on my chest and the lump in my throat make it hard to do much else.

If he hears me, Beau makes no indication. Instead he stands slowly and removes his shirt. Dropping his pants as he goes, Beau enters the bathroom in just his boxers, a towel in his hands. I wait a moment to see if he'll come back, and foolishly let myself hope that he will. The sound of the water running is like a stinging slap.

My chin quivers as I flop onto the mattress and Zeus hops up beside me, instantly licking the salty tears from my cheeks. I wipe at them furiously, running my fingers through Zeus's thick fur.

I'm not the one who should be crying. But how can you be there for someone who just wants to be left alone?

"What do I do?" I ask the dog, scratching behind his large, pointed ears. Zeus gives an exasperated huff, his brown eyes watching me intently, as if urging me to help his person. "I know you're worried about him, too."

With a sigh of my own, I remove my overalls and underwear and follow Beau's steps into the bathroom. Knocking gently on the wall, I don't wait for a reply before stepping into the steamy shower. The cool tile floor is slippery underfoot and I'm careful to get my footing before looking up.

His back, one of the few places relatively blank of tattoos, is tight under the running water, muscles straining against his tan skin. The bruises along his ribs are yellowed now - healing just in time for a new, albeit metaphorical, kick in the gut. Mindlessly, I trail my fingertips over his tender flesh, needing to feel him somehow.

"What're you -" Beau turns, his chest glistening with the stream of the shower as little droplets get caught in the trail of hair under his belly button.

I put my finger over his lips, holding his cheek with my other hand. "Don't push me away again, Beau."

Beau looks me up and down slowly and when he meets my stare, his careful, numb expression falters and I see the pain there for a moment. Just as quickly, he closes his eyes and tilts his face up towards the water to avoid my gaze.

My stubborn boy.

I grab the hotel shampoo bottle and squirt a generous amount on my hands, lathering the suds between my fingers. Slowly, I raise my hands to Beau's head, stopping when he jumps a little, eyes opening quickly. I don't speak, hoping he can see the reassurances in my expression.

It's okay. I'm here for you - always.

With a deep sigh, but no words, Beau's eyes flutter closed and I begin to run my hands through his hair, lathering the shampoo through the thick strands. When I feel confident the soap has saturated every lock, I tip his head back and stand on my toes to rinse water through it. Beau doesn't protest, silently allowing me to move onto his body when I'm done.

Using a wash cloth and the hotel's body wash, a generic scent that pales compared to Beau's normal smell, I'm careful to avoid his bruises as I run soapy water over his body. As cautiously as I can, I rinse down each arm, over the ink permanently marking his skin, over his chest and down his abdomen. I refuse to rest my gaze on his nether region, uninterested in anything sexual at the moment. His muscles tense under my touch, not used to such intimate contact.

Why wasn't he shown love? I stare at the suds swirling down the drain so that he can't see the tears welling in my eyes. Why didn't anyone take care of him?

Rushing through my own washing, I notice that Beau is unmoving, watching the water drip from his fingertips to the tile floor. I allow him the time it takes for me to rinse all the bubbles from my skin before I tilt my head, squinting into the shower spray, and open my mouth to speak.

Before I can, Beau's long arms wrap tightly around my waist, pulling my naked torso to his. Holding me hard against his chest, Beau leans his head down as far as he can to nestle in against my neck. Relieved to see any emotion from him at all, I wrap my arms around his neck, stroking his hair soothingly, the way my own parents did for me whenever I was upset.

"It's okay to hurt." I promise him. "It's okay to be angry, or to not feel anything at all." He says nothing but I know he's listening as his chest rises and falls against my own. I can feel his heart racing and my own breaks knowing he's struggling.

"Come on," I finally reach behind him to turn the shower off once my fingers have started to prune. Somewhat reluctantly, he follows, keeping a loose grip on my fingers as I bring him to the bed.

I dress myself quietly before settling in on the mattress beside him, still wrapped in only his towel. Quickly, so he won't notice, I check the time on the wall, knowing he has sound check pretty soon.

I have a few minutes before I have to push him, though. Resting my head on his shoulder, I take his hand in mine and slowly trace over the skull design on his forearm. His long hair tickles my ear as he leans his cheek against my head, exhaling a deep sigh.

"I have a show tonight." He finally speaks and I feel a weight off my chest.

"You do," I sit back to look at him carefully.

As if a switch has been flipped, Beau stands from the bed and begins getting dressed in tight black jeans with ripped knees and a dark tank-top with obscenities written across the front. Rushing his hands through his hair, it stands off his head haphazardly, similar to when we first met, now that the sides have grown in some.

"You're... Okay?" I hold my knees against my chest. "To perform, I mean?"

With a half smirk devoid of any real humor, Beau shrugs his shoulders, grabbing eyeliner from his bag. "It's just a concert, Em."

Staying silent the rest of the time he takes to get ready, I watch him cautiously, looking for any sign that he might lose it. Seeing none, but unable to get rid of the feeling, I try to distract myself with my own makeup, but can't stop peering over my shoulder at him to check.

"I'm not going to fall apart." He mumbles quietly. At first, I think he's speaking to himself, but then his eyes meet mine in the mirror, his brows furrowed in frustration. "I know that's what you're thinking."

"No," I argue lamely, a hint of a smile on my lips. "Just enjoying the view."

He smirks at my attempt to distract him but picks aggressively at the nail polish on his left hand. Before he can make fun of my corny flirting, his phone vibrates loudly on the bedside table.

"Probably Rey," He mutters, expression serious again as he grabs the phone. "Oh,"

My ears perk up at the same time as I turn to face him quickly.

"Oh?"

Beau looks conflicted when he looks up from the screen. "It's Beck,"

My eyes widen but I bite my tongue. He doesn't want to talk to Beck - I can understand that. Even if I didn't, I will support him if he chooses to stay away. I wait for him to continue, eyeing the clock another time to make sure we aren't too late.

Beau looks from me back down to his phone, the crease between his brows becoming more pronounced.

Surprising me so much that my jaw actually falls open, Beau picks up the phone and sits back down at the desk.

"Beck," He sighs. "What's up?"

Hi loves, finally an update for you all! I hope you enjoyed it & thank you for being patient! Remember to comment what ya think and leave any predictions for the rest of this Boston trip❤️