thirty-nine

BEAU

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

As my hand falls to my side and the doors slide closed, I tear my eyes away from Emma, from that look on her face, the one that tells me exactly how fucking disappointing I am. Before I can stop myself, I've spun around and crashed my hand through the thin plaster of the hallway wall.

My fingers shake as my knuckles begin to purple, the dust settling at my feet like the million chances I've been given, now worth nothing at all. Fuck me.

My mothers name, carved into stone like that's all she is now, not a person, not a mother, just bones and dirt. Beck leaving the hotel with my money in his hands to pay for his fucking baby with my ex-girlfriend. Zoey, beautifully plump and happy, staring at me as if she's somehow better than I am. Rey - eyes bloodshot and glassy, the liquor surrounding her like a cloud of temptation, the taste of vodka on her tongue creeping down my throat. Emma, broken by my own doing.

My airways clench tightly as the images repeat over and over in my thoughts, faster and faster until I can't breathe anymore, the flames too hot in my throat. Sweat gathers on my forehead and the back of my neck and suddenly, it doesn't matter that I'm several yards from Rey and decades of floors above the hotel bar. My heart beats quicker and quicker, pounding loudly in my ears, each beat like a siren's call towards the sweet liquor that will make all of this just go away.

With every bit of strength I can muster, I return to the suite instead of following Emma, the way that I probably should. My eyes fall on Rey, nearly asleep on my bed, and rage, uncontrollable and violent, rushes through me.

"Out!" I growl, tugging her boot to wake her. She lifts her head instantly, blinking wearily at me. "Get out, get the fuck out right now." I jab my finger towards the door.

"Beau, what's going on?" Her words are slurred and thick with sleep. The aroma she's carried into the room makes me nauseous and exhilarated all at once.

"Fuck you," I snap, shoving my hand through my hair. "Get out of my room and get out of my fucking life,"

Zeus hops to his feet, whining loudly at the tension in the air.

Rey's face crumbles, tears welling in her dark eyes. "Beau, stop. You're being mean," She tries to sit up straighter but nearly falls from the mattress in her efforts.

As her alcoholic perfume wafts in my direction, a shiver runs up my spine, the fires scalding hot at the back of my throat.

"You're fucking right I am," I agree, my anger equally as scorching on my tongue. "Why would you do that, Rey? What the fuck!" Her mouth pops open like a fish but no words come out. I shake my head, "Just go."

Her big eyes are wide, disbelief crinkling her eyebrows. The more time she stares at me, the angrier I get. She knows I've been sober and working hard to stay that way. How could she?

"What are you waiting for? Go." I stare into her eyes seriously until she gets to her feet and backs out of the room, quiet tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Fuck," I exhale when she's finally gone, weakly falling to my knees. Zeus sits by my side, pawing my arm impatiently.

My gaze finds the minibar and instantly I curse myself for requesting they remove any alcohol from the suite. Zeus whines again and I pat his head, scanning the rest of the room for any sort of relief.

A shiny, black guitar sits on the mattress, gleaming under the glow of the overhead light. Clumsily, I make my way to bed, standing over it and taking in the instrument, recognizing the signature on the bottom immediately. Too numb to feel anything, I run my eyes up the strings until I spot a small envelope.

Pulling the card from inside, I ignore the dizzying effect of trying to focus on the tiny handwriting. It's Emma's, I know that immediately.

Beau

I've loved you every single day since the first one, even when I didn't know it.

Em

If I've ever felt truly heartbroken, it's now more than ever. A sharp pain snaps in my chest, making my breath shallow and uneven.

Tucking the card into my back pocket, I stare down at Zeus, watching me like I can do no wrong.

"Sorry, boy." I mutter, keeping my head low as I finally follow my siren's song.

***

"We're worried about you, kid. Don't do this again." Rocco actually sounds like he might be concerned in the voicemail, but it doesn't matter much now. They cancelled yesterday's show and the one before that, claiming that I've been feeling under the weather. I guess they aren't lying.

I sway along the LA sidewalk, unable to keep a straight line. The half empty whiskey bottle dangles from my fingers haphazardly, it's numbing effect still strong in my veins.

A group of college kids walk past me in the dark, the outermost pushing into my shoulder and sending me back a couple of steps. He snickers but keeps walking and I let him. He's not who I'm here for anyways.

I arrive at the bar finally and take a look through the tinted windows. Sure enough, Jace is propped up at the bar, pretty women on each arm. I roll my eyes, taking a long swig from my bottle.

Now the only thing left to do is wait. He'll come out after security forces him to wrap it up, taking at least one girl into his car. He'll be drunk, which means he'll be slow and more stupid than usual. I take another long drink, smirking as the heat blazes down to my core.

Some time and a couple of big gulps later, I hear Jace's voice echoing off the alley-walls.

"Yo, Jace!" I drop the now empty whiskey bottle to the ground, advancing on him quickly.

He turns abruptly, whether at my voice or the shattering of glass, and my fist connects with his jaw instantly. His knees buckle and he falls to the pavement, his date letting out a helpless shriek. Ignoring her and focusing instead on the satisfying crunch of his face under my knuckles, I land another punch and another.

At first it's Jace - a scumbag whose ass I've spent too long saving instead of kicking. Then it's Beck, light haired and smug, like Jace. Finally, and without making much sense, it's my father, no longer so big and threatening.

The whiskey blurs my thoughts until it's like I'm fighting myself. Jace elbows me hard in the nose and I smirk as blood drips into my mouth, glad for a pain that makes sense.

Still not growing tired, I cock my arm back again and again, not stopping until someone physically pulls me off of Jace. Weakly slumped against the wall, I chuckle to myself, licking the iron caked in the corner of my mouth.

A group crowds around Jace now, splashing water on his face to wake him. Satisfied but not quite as much as I thought I'd be, I spit on the ground and turn away, leaving him blubbering to his groupies.

As I stumble along, I barely look where I'm going, not caring one way or another. I keep my head tilted to the sky, eyes staring into the vast empty blackness. My ankle buckles and I slip off the curb, landing hard at the side of the road.

A car blares it's horn, jerking its wheels away from me. I groan, drunkenly pulling myself back onto the sidewalk and leaning against an old storefront. The alcohol the only thing in my stomach, my insides slosh around, nausea creeping up the back of my throat. Heaving hard, I cover the ground in front of me with stomach bile and whiskey.

I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand, before reaching into my back pocket and retrieving my phone and Emma's card. My screen lights up with another call from Rey and I hit ignore immediately, adding to a long list of missed notifications. Unfolding the already worn paper, I can't make out her words, the alcohol clouding my vision so the letters run together. Still, I have them memorized.

Even the note, though, only barely touches the deep ache in my chest. Not just for Emma, but for the two years I've spent fighting this exact situation.

The air is cool but my skin is clammy, my body too warm. Shoving a hand through my hair roughly, I try to concentrate on the street signs in front of me.

"Fuck," I sigh, giving up on finding my way back to the motel. My eyes flutter closed just as my cell vibrates against my thigh.

I almost ignore it, but the insistent vibration is too obnoxious. My finger hovers over the decline button, shock paralyzing me for a moment.

I haven't talked to Emma since our conversation in the elevator.

My thumb shakes as I accept the call, my breath quickening. I open my mouth but am ultimately too cowardly to speak.

"Beau, are you there?" Emma's voice sounds like she hasn't slept in days. I'm sure I look the same.

I swallow hard, trying to clear the lump in my throat. "Yeah."

There's a pause on the other end before she speaks again. "Where are you, Beau?"

I shake my head, too drunk to remember she can't see me. No, I don't want anyone to find me.

What's left of my dignity crumbles, the words out of my mouth before I can stop them. "Everything hurts, Em."

"I know," Her voice is soft and I can see her face in the back of my eyelids, angel lips turned down just a little, a small crinkle between her brows, sadness in her big, brown eyes. I ache to see her, but not like this. "Beau, you have to tell me where you are. You could get hurt."

I could get hurt? The thought makes me chuckle humorlessly. "I'm a big boy,"

"Have you been drinking?" Her question makes my eyes flash open, suddenly even angrier at myself. I don't reply but my silence is enough. "Where are you, Beau?"

I let out a deep exhale, too tired to argue. "I'll text you the address."

With a polite thank you, Emma hangs up and moments later, I'm still staring at the screen, wishing I knew how to make her stay on the line longer.

I finally text her the address of my motel, but can't decide if I want her to find me. Not like this. Leaning my elbows on my knees, I let my head fall and stare at the mess I've made on the pavement.

I only look up when lights flash at me repeatedly, accompanied by the familiar clicking sounds of a dozen cameras. When I lift my head and squint, I can make out the bodies of several paparazzi snapping their trash shots.

Too numb or too drunk to care, I salute them with both middle fingers and hang my head, my dark hair a barrier between me and the rest of the world.

Guys I'm too into it to stop updating!! I hope you enjoyed the chapter - if its even possible with how Beau is feeling right now

Let me know your thoughts in the comments!